Hi!  It is I, Phoebe.  I am SO sorry about the lack of updates, but I'm back!!  Yea!  Thanks to all of my dear reviewers.  You're the bomb!!  Hehe.  Anyhow, here's Chapter Five.

Mr. Moony's Hotline

I really hate to sound conceited (if only because Sirius does it so well that I could never compete), but I am the shit when it comes to problem solving.  Really, I mean it.  I should have my own column in the Daily Prophet.  See, we were in Charms, which is practically everyone's favorite lesson because it's so loud that you can actually have a conversation.  We were working on making out teacups tap-dance.  We (James, Sirius, Peter and I) had, per usual, finished early.  James kept sighing and looking moody, then glaring at Lily, then sighing, looking moody, and glaring at Lily.  After about ten minutes of this Sirius said, "Prongs, if you don't stop doing that and tell us what's up I will have to hurt you.  And it won't be fun."  James sighed again.

            "It's Lily."

            "Well, thank you, Captain Obvious," I said sarcastically.  "We needed clarification on that one."

            "I think I like her," James elaborated. 

            "Since this has been blatantly obvious since you turned her hair purple in first year, you'll forgive me for not dying of shock.  So what's your problem?"  James stared at me incredulously.

            "You knew?  And you didn't tell me?"  James nearly yelled.  It was my turn to stare.

            "EVERYONE knows.  What, is this a surprise to you?"

            "Yes, it is!"  James exclaimed.  Sirius snorted.

            "Prongs, face it.  You've liked her forever.  You might as well have a sign around your neck that says 'I WANT TO SNOG LILY EVANS' and be done with it."

            "SIRIUS knew?"  James yelped, turning to me.  "And I missed it?"

            "Somehow, someway, yes, you did," I replied.

            "Well, what should I do?"

            "About Lily?"

            "No, about the dancing turnip.  YES, about Lily!"  I considered this for a minute.

            "You're not going to like this," I warned.

            "Just tell me!" James snapped.

            "Ok.  Well, the main reason she won't go out with you is that she thinks you're conceited.  So what you have to do is show her that you aren't.  Be polite to her, say hi to her, stop trying to kill Snape-"

            "WHAT??  Annoying Snivellus is, like, my life goal.  I can't just stop.  The rest of it sounds ok, but I'm not going to throw six years of hard work down the toilet."  Trust James to think that annoying Snape was hard work.  All he had to do was exist.  Oh yeah, real tough one there.

            "Fine," I said calmly.  "Just remember how well that worked out for you last year."  Even though James tried to look innocent, I knew he remembered.  It had been after our Defense against the Dark Arts O.W.L., and James and Sirius had decided to indulging in their favorite pastime of hexing Severus Snape for no reason.  Lily, being the nice person that she is, intervened.  And boy, were we in trouble.  To summarize:  She told James that he was a bullying toerag and that she'd rather go out with the Giant Squid than him, she told Sirius that he was a hypocritical, arrogant asshole who was just as bad as the rest of his family (which everyone who knows Sirius knows is pretty much the worst insult you can come up with), and she told me that I was a pathetic coward because I didn't have the balls to stand up to James and Sirius and stop them.  And I have to say, despite the fact that James and Sirius got three weeks of detention, we all admitted that Lily's little tirade made us feel much, much worse than detention ever had.  And although James and Sirius loyally insisted that what she said to me wasn't fair, and James and I assured Sirius that he wasn't as bad as the rest of his family, and Sirius and I promised that James wasn't really a bully, we all knew that she was right about what she'd said.  I knew James was thinking about this now, and I knew that remembering being called a bully really didn't sit well with him.  I knew this because remembering being called a pathetic coward didn't sit well with me.  Finally, James said reluctantly,

            "Ok, how's this?  I'll be civil to her- say hi, smile, be polite, whatever- and I'll try not to hex Snivellus."

            "And you can't ask her out," I warned.  "Not until she knows you're trying to be nicer."  James groaned.

            "Fine, no asking her out.  And you really think this'll work?"

            "It's worth a shot," I pointed out.

            "I guess," James conceded. "Thanks, Moony."

            "You're welcome."

            "Can we wrap this up?"  Sirius demanded impatiently.  "As heartwarming as it was, I'm starting to be sick." 

            "It only makes you sick because your idea of a successful relationship is remembering the girl's name when you dump her after five seconds," I pointed out.

            "Hey!  That's not true!"  Sirius protested.

            "Yes it is.  You have the shortest attention span of anybody I've ever known," James said.  Luckily the bell rang, so we didn't have to listen to any more of Sirius' lame attempts to defend himself.  Damn, break's over.  Bye- RJL