The Bachelor Chapter 8
"Mine…mine…he's going to be all mine…yummy and mine, mine, mine…"
Hermione raised an eye at Parvati's off-key singing. "Did you make that one up?" she asked from over her copy of 100 Ways to Get Playful Revenge.
Parvati nodded with a small gleeful smile. "Oh, you know," she said airily. "Just a bit of background singing."
"I'm sure," Hermione replied, with the same dubious expression. Was Parvati off her rocker or was this just a normal thing; this outburst of song late at night. The evening had been tiring, from the rose ceremony and onwards. The remaining however many it was now had all drunk a glass of champagne and toasted their time together.
It was such a joke. Their time together? Malfoy toasted to breasts, the girls toasted to Malfoy, and Hermione toasted to yet another day finished.
Lately actually Hermione had been doing a bit of thinking. It was time mummy darling re-entered the picture. She'd been the drive behind this whole, get-a-boyfriend-make-him-a-fiancé-and-give-me-babies-now thing that had happened recently. Ugh. Babies. Top scientists had many better things to do than mate like an animal and deliver babies to a hungry grandma. Well, technically, Hermione thought, wrinkling up her nose at the saying, humans were animals.
Gods. She was such a nerd. She was never going to get a guy.
Meanwhile, Hermione turned her attention back to the book. As she read through the different forms of revenge, she felt a bit shocked that people could be that desperate. There was no way in hell she was going to curse Malfoy's toilet to sing Christmas carols every time he flushed. That was just gross.
And she wasn't about to curse his toenails to grow thirteen inches (each!) either. If the toilets were gross, this thing topped the cake, so to speak. Finally, Hermione stumbled upon something that she thought Malfoy might appreciate. Yes. It was perfect for someone like him.
Hermione tiptoed to the living room downstairs, where the rose ceremony had been held. Now it was empty and eerie, but she found exactly what she'd been looking for. Malfoy had left his wristwatch down here (he'd taken it off to dance with one of the girls; liquor didn't suit him very well), and according to the book, as long as you had access to anyone of their possessions, nearly every spell could work. She muttered a few choice words and went back upstairs, feeling much better about the whole thing. Life's work complete, she fell into a comfortable slumber.
A piercing shriek woke the entire house the next day. Hermione shot out of bed and Millicent grabbed her wand shakily. "Do you think someone's been bumped from the show?" Millicent asked worriedly.
Hermione stared at her, wondering if she should say anything, but then decided to let it go. Whatever.
The two of them, along with many other girls, raced down to the kitchen, from where the scream seemed to have originated. However, when they all tumbled in, nobody was there. Hermione suddenly noticed a few pale strands of silky blonde hair on the floor and began to giggle like a maniac.
The girls looked at each other nervously. This was Hermione, their resident sarcastic, non-giggling, playing-hard-to-get, book-reading (how did she do it?), weird…person. And she was giggling like she'd come up with a diabolical plan to take over the world.
Hermione couldn't stop laughing. There was a trail of blonde hair leading from the toaster (Muggle appliances had slowly but surely made their way into the wizard world, although their purpose was a tad different) to the stairs, and the stairs themselves gleamed with blonde hair, which contrasted very nicely with the brown wood. Hermione pointed and laughed until tears came out of her eyes (another nasty trait she'd inherited) and she snorted rather unceremoniously.
One of the girls made a face at her. "Hermione…you don't laugh like that. It looks bad."
Hermione sighed. "I don't need lessons, thank you," she wheezed. "It's just…just…Malfoy's hair…all over the place," she burst into laughter again. The spell had worked! It was the funniest spell. Malfoy would continue to shed hair all day, but new hair would grow immediately. The perfect spell for Malfoy.
None of the girls understood this when Hermione explained, so she just dropped it and went down to breakfast. After everyone had showered and such, and prettied up, Kathy Silver waltzed in happily.
"Girls," she began. "No dates today."
Collective groans rose up from all around Hermione. "Oh but I wanted him to see this outfit," Hannah said, sighing.
Kathy practically sparkled. Hermione had a sneaking suspicion she enjoyed tormenting the girls. "Actually," Kathy said merrily, "Two of Draco's friends are paying us a visit."
The girls piped up. "Really?" exclaimed Blaise.
"Yes. They're going to be interviewing each of you individually and reporting the results to Draco, so he can get a better understanding of all of your…vivid personalities."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Would these friends be a certain Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle?" she asked.
Kathy nodded. "Oh, lovely! You all know them, then?"
Millicent nodded but spoke for the group. "Yeah, but not very well. We weren't sure they could speak English."
Kathy beamed. "Lovely, then. I notice that Draco has picked all his schoolmates. How sweet!"
Kathy exited and Parvati once again began to sing her off-key song. Lavender gave her a look. "No, Parvati, he is not all yours. He could be mine, or Blaise's, or Hannah's, or Millicent's, or even Hermione's. Well, probably not Hermione's (and she gave Hermione a quick flash of teeth) but you know what I mean."
The girls giggled. "So which one of us five is it going to be?" they wondered.
Hermione swallowed to keep her temper in check. They were right; she wasn't going to be The One he picked to marry or whatever, but they could at least include her...before Hermione could stop herself, she'd said the dratted words. "Remember girls? I'm playing hard-to-get?"
"Oh, so you really were!" Blaise yelled and all of the girls squealed joyfully. "Eek! Eek! Oh Hermione, you smart, wicked witch!"
Hermione wanted to smack her head against the wall. Out of all the things she could have said, she just had to say this. Blast it.
Around three that afternoon, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle showed up. They'd grown up a bit but they still looked like taller, fatter versions of their Hogwarts selves. "Hello," they grunted. "The first one we have chosen to interview is Blaise Zabini."
Blaise got up and left the room with the two of them.
"What kind of questions do you think they're going to ask?" Hannah asked worriedly, her Hufflepuff persona taking over.
"Oh, probably stuff like, kids and where you want to live, and careers and all that stuff," Parvati assured her. "It'll be fine, don't break your broomsticks."
Hannah's brows furrowed but she nodded.
Twenty-two minutes later (Lavender was timing) Blaise came back, smiling widely. "Draco picked the questions, according to Vince and Greg," she said happily. "They're really good. Oh, and did you know that Vince and Greg can read now?"
Even Hermione was amazed. Who would have thought that the two blokes would learn to read.
Vincent stuck his head in the door and summoned Lavender, who hurriedly followed him, looking a bit anxious. To whittle away the time, Hermione took out yet another book and began to read in earnest, trying to drone out the constant chattering of the girls. Topics ranged from fashion, accessorizing, Malfoy, and fat-free desserts (this was a new one, actually, and Hermione, ever the experimenter, decided to listen in).
"Have you tried those fudge bars? The green ones, they claim to have only one hundred calories per bar and no fat at all?"
"Really, they must taste so terrible then."
"No! They're actually quite good, much better than when I was dieting, then I could only have those orange bat wafers…disgusting."
"Oh, those, they have no sugar at all!"
"I know, it's terrible really but they did help me shrink my dress size, which was fabulous, because I had to attend Elisa's wedding…"
"Elisa got married?! Really! Tell me all about it!"
Somewhere between Elisa's honeymoon and snarky nail polish colors, Hermione tuned out. When she tuned back in, she realized that Lavender was back and Parvati was gone. Lavender was sparkling with joy as she came back in.
"I think that my answers must have been absolutely perfect. Vincey and Greggy seemed so excited about them! Oh, and Vincey and Greggy have the absolute best style ever! They look fantastic!"
Hermione snorted (much to the chagrin of many girls). "Vincey" and "Greggy" hadn't ceased to amaze her.
Sooner or later, it was Hermione's turn, and she followed "Vincey" out to the gardens, where they had set up a table that looked like a lemonade stand. "Hello…Her-my-own-nee," said "Greggy", looking at the sheet with confusion. Hermione smiled brightly. "Yes, that's it, sound out the syllables. How long have you been reading, Greggy dear?" she asked sarcastically.
"One year," Greggy stated proudly. Vincey nodded enthusiastically. "Draco said he had a…special question for you. Should we start with that?"
Hermione shrugged.
"Okay. It is, 'If I let Millicent go, do you think she'd eventually let it go or would she kill me?"
Hermione laughed. "I think she'd kill both Draco and herself," she said amiably.
However, that was the only question that Hermione really appreciated out of the rest of them. Obviously, Draco was only interested in one thing.
"So where would you prefer to have sex? On the beach or in the bed?"
Hermione blushed, as she often did when the word 'sex' and 'you' were in the same sentence. "Erm…bed," she finally said, her face turning various shades of tomato.
Vincey hooted. "I hear the beach can be a bit uncomfortable," he said crudely.
Hermione wanted to curse the papers on which the questions were written. I'll set them on fire, she thought savagely.
Greggy had the next question. "On an average, how many times a day would you have sex?"
Hermione pursed her lips. "I'm not going to answer that."
Greggy shrugged. "Fine, moving on. How many kids do you want?"
Hermione relaxed. Finally a question she could answer. "Well, I'm very busy with my career, so I don't really have time for the little devil—I mean, for the children. But I suppose maybe one. Maximum two."
Vincey smiled coarsely. "Well, use birth control then," he advised.
Hermione ripped the paper apart.
"Hey, no fair!" Greggy cried. "That's got all the fun questions! The other sheet's all the boring ones!"
Hermione smirked. "Fire away."
Greggy rolled his eyes and struggled to read the next question. "Do you have an active career?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Of course I do."
Vincey managed to read the next question perfectly, without stumbling over a single syllable. "What do you like better? Owls, cats, or toads?"
"Cats, although owls are nice as well."
"Does Millicent look like a toad?" Greggy asked. "That's another pescia…I mean, special, question for you."
Hermione snorted. "Poor Millicent. Malfoy must really hate her."
Before Vincey or Greggy could say anything more, they were interrupted—quite rudely—by a man who kept losing and re-growing his hair. He looked a bit crazy as he stormed into the question session wearing just boxers.
"Hermione Granger!" he shrieked angrily as he saw her. "How could you! It's my hair! My beautiful hair!"
Hermione smiled sweetly. "It was so perfect wasn't it."
"Gah! Why'd you do it?" he asked unhappily, petting his precious hair.
"To get back at you for that stupid French stunt," she explained patiently, as if talking to a two-year-old.
"But that was weeks ago! This is my hair! That was your food!"
Hermione shrugged. "It'll stop tomorrow. Until then, my 'perfect haired' friend, until then."
She walked back inside, ignoring the frustrated stream of curses behind her.
A/N: Not the most eventful of chapters, I know, but I can't have every chapter be an elimination ceremony/dates because that moves too fast for my taste. Hermione finally got her revenge! Oh, and just so you know, that sex on the beach or bed question was actually in the only Bachelor season I followed (Andrew and Jen, was it?). So was that uncomfortable statement. I wanted to give Crabbe and Goyle, our dear stupid friends, some limelight. And to answer your question, Some12, I am a bit like Hermione-not a girly girl, not really into make-up and such.
Remember, I do e-mail updates, so if you want one, please leave your e-mail add in the review. Everybody go and read "Once upon a freakin' time" by Evadne! Read anything by burgundyred!
Lastly, huge thanks to reviewers and everyone who's stuck with me. I can't believe I'm already at chapter eight. Special thanks to Sylvan Tears—really love your reviews, and you've been with me since chapter one. Anyway, thanks, and please review this chapter, everyone! (Yikes, long author's note.)