The Bachelor 9
Something was tickling Hermione's face like a bunny rabbit's ears…although it was a bit rough…a bit uncomfortable. As she rubbed open her crusty eyes she was terrified to see beautifully shaped ringlets right in front of her. Was she having a nightmare?
"My hair! Look at my hair!" Millicent chanted, shaking the ringlets. Hermione gasped. Millicent's hair was a mere finger's length distance from her face, which was quite disturbing. Hermione had yet another disturbing thought.
"Please tell me you were not rubbing your hair against my face thirty seconds ago," Hermione said, rubbing her forehead unhappily.
"I needed you to see it," Millicent whined. "You're so honest, and I wanted to know your opinion. Dates resume today!"
Hermione groaned. "Move, Millicent," she said, sighing as she heaved herself out of bed. Ten minutes later, she was as usual impeccably dressed, wearing casually elegant lavender colored robes, which unfortunately had a deep V-neck, but Hermione was running out of extremely conservative clothes.
If only she could go back in time and warn herself to bring heaps of conservative clothes instead of the "fun and sexy" wear that she'd purchased at Willowed Witch's before she'd come.
If only she could go back and time and warn herself not to come at all.
Stumbling downstairs and trying to block out Millicent's incessant ramblings on the different ways that her hair could curl, Hermione focused instead on the delicious looking bagels that were waiting for her. She picked up a bagel and grabbing a box of cream cheese began to lather it on rather thickly, mouth nearly watering from hunger. Just as she was about to bite into her delicious morning treat, she heard a loud voice.
"Hermione, no!" yelled Hannah, who had just stepped into the kitchen.
"No what?" Hermione asked, confused.
"Put that nasty looking thing down," Hannah said crossly. "Right now."
"But why?" Hermione was bewildered. It was just a bagel. It wasn't as if she was, heaven forbid, making a move on Draco Malfoy or anything like that.
"Cream cheese! Cream cheese! Hermione, that's pure cream cheese! Pure fat! Calories! You. Must. Not. Eat. It."
Hermione was, needless to say, a bit freaked out. "Er…" she said, setting the bagel down on the counter top as she tried to come up with a remark that would basically convey her point—she didn't give a damn if the thing was three thousand calories.
But obviously this was the wrong move. Before Hermione could say "Draco's coming!" Hannah had grabbed the delicious looking bagel and thrown it into the dustbin.
"Good girl," she told Hermione. "I knew you were just too tired to notice what you were putting in your body. Now go have some fruit."
Hermione hated fruit. Irritable and hungry, she scowled and went back upstairs. In the distance she could hear Hannah asking Millicent, "What's up with her?"
The day progressed slowly until about eleven, when a steaming hot date box arrived. Kathy had informed them that three lucky girls would get one-on-one dates this time, and the first date box would inform exactly who got it. Hermione knew it wouldn't be her and for that reason she was relieved.
The individual date went to Millicent, who nearly squashed Hermione with her excitement. "Girls," she gasped. "Where's it to?"
"The Traveling Magical Zoo," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. Thank Merlin she didn't get the date. Smelly animals, scary animals, and weird magical animals plus Malfoy didn't exactly sound like a blast, but Millicent didn't care.
"Wow. I have this pair of robes that are zebra striped. I'm going to wear them," she said, squealing as she raced up the stairs to go get changed.
Hermione nearly closed her eyes as Millicent descended the stairs a good hour later. Her robes were overwhelmingly bright, not to mention disgustingly tacky. Malfoy would have fun. In fact, Hermione reasoned, Millicent resembled a hippopotamus dressed up like a zebra. Absolutely stunning zoo attire, really.
Draco opened the door and was astonished to see a plump zebra staring right back at him. Shaking his head in disbelief, he soon realized it was not, in fact, a zebra, but Millicent Bulstrode, looking very excited for the upcoming date.
Draco suddenly felt sick.
"Hey, baby," Millicent cooed. Granger came up behind Millicent and held up a finger.
"Give us a moment, Malfoy. I have a little advice for Millie here."
Draco smirked as she pulled Millicent away from the door and whispered something furiously in her ear. Nevertheless, when Millicent came back to the door, she simply gave him a watery smile and motioned towards the waiting broomsticks.
Draco was impressed. That Granger—who did not look half as hideous as Millicent, and wow, was that really cleavage? Who knew Granger had any?—did know what she was doing. She made a very good advice consultant.
Although he reminded himself, he was still cold and hard and downright mad at her for the awful stunt she had pulled the other day. Instinctively he ran a hand through his hair, making sure it was all there.
Millicent's smile considerably broadened when she saw this. "I love your hair, bab—I mean, Draco!" she said, giving his hand a bit of a tight squeeze. He shuddered.
"Thanks, Millicent," he replied cautiously. After a quick ride on the broomsticks, the two of them arrived at The Traveling Magical Zoo, which was well-known among wizards for its amazing and sometimes very dangerous animals.
Then again, at the moment, Draco was a bit more afraid of Millicent than he could ever be of a jarvey or a kneazle.
Speaking of dangerous beasts, Millicent had been conversing with a jarvey—a large, ferret like animal that could actually speak, but could be quite rude. Unfortunately, it was honest.
"Oh looky here," it began, and Millicent cooed with delight. Draco had to admit that it was a bit interesting. "It's a tub o' zebra lard and a thin lookin' stick."
Draco was put-out. He had worked hard to gain weight and there was no need for a stupid animal to call him a stick. Disgusting creature. "Come on, Millicent, let's go."
But he was shocked to find that Millicent had burst into tears. "I…I…don't really look like zebra lard, do I?" she sniffed. Draco felt inept and under-appreciated. Those guys that would do anything to get on the show—they weren't here right now, dealing with a sobbing Millicent.
"Um, it's okay, Millicent," Draco responded, patting her hand awkwardly. "Let's go look at some other…animals."
Millicent came home around six and everyone clamored around her for details, with the exception of Hermione, of course. However, before Millicent said a word about her date, she requested that Hermione hear it too.
Everyone had suddenly decided, after seeing Hermione's prank on Draco and her attitude towards him, that Hermione Granger was the best interpreter of Draco's feelings, based on his actions and words.
How they had come across this unearthly conclusion Hermione didn't know, but it was less hassling to just go along with their claims versus trying to convince them that it wasn't true. She'd tried, actually, but their argument had been too simple to refute.
"You're a bloody scientist," Parvati had said. "Of course you can interpret his actions."
Hermione had not exactly wanted to launch into an explanation about how all scientists had different fields of study and hers was most definitely and most emphatically not divination, so she accepted the theory and went along with it.
Now, as she was reading an interesting romance novel, which was actually a first for her, she was absolutely bombarded with girls and their questions. "Hermione, shut that silly thing—oh, my, are you actually reading The Enemies Tryst? It's an excellent, book, isn't it?" Parvati said in one breath.
"Er…well, it's quite interesting, really," Hermione replied, amazed that she was having a conversation with a piece of fluff about a piece of fluff and actually enjoying it. Well, it had turned out to be a learning experience after all.
"Anyhow, Millicent's back from her date and she wants you to hear all about it."
Hermione rolled her eyes mentally and looked around at the girls, all of whom seemed excessively chipper. She shuddered. Seeing them drunk would be a nightmare.
"Hermione! Tell me what my date means as a potential for Draco and me," Millicent gushed.
"Go ahead," Hermione sighed wearily. She might as well do it.
"Okay, so Draco and I went to the zoo, and we saw loads of really interesting creatures, and it was so fun. He was really polite to me and stuff but he said it was awkward and I totally agreed—I knew we were at make-out stage but I mean, it's weird to make out in front of little kids at the zoo, right? And oh, there was this really mean animal that insulted us and Draco comforted me."
Hermione stared, trying to let the information sink in. Of course she could interpret it just fine—Malfoy was far from interested in Millicent and was probably feeling awkward because he knew that the "relationship" wouldn't work—but the thing was, how was she supposed to tell Millicent without hurting her feelings? Hermione was a very caring girl, deep down inside, and although she seemed cold and uninterested in these kinds of girls, she was nice to everyone.
"Well," she began, "The animal was a jarvey, wasn't it?"
Millicent shrugged. "I don't know."
"They tend to be quite rude to everyone, so don't take it personally. I think Draco…comforting you…means, er, it means that he is a very…deep person. Yes. He can notice other people's feelings and act accordingly," Hermione finished up lamely.
None of the girls seemed to notice. "Oh, brilliant," breathed Lavender. "Absolutely brilliant."
Hermione shrugged. "What can I say? It's the science."
The next day, an individual date for dinner and dancing arrived for Hannah, who positively glowed when she heard the news. "Dancing!" she gasped. "Oh no! I didn't bring clubbing clothes!"
A massive frenzy of clothes-searching ensued, ending when Hannah decided she'd just wear something she'd brought, after all. "One of the girls might be conspiring against me," she confided to Hermione. "I can't trust any of them. They're out to get Draco for themselves, and I can so feel a connection between us. It's like…fire," she said, obviously pleased with her comparison.
Hannah departed wearing sparkly hot pink robes and a pair of strappy baby pink stilettos. "Pink's the newest black," she declared. For a few minutes after she left, Hermione tried to decipher exactly what 'pink's the newest black' meant but eventually gave up.
When she came back late at night, Hermione was already equipped with certain interpretations. If she said that Malfoy had been polite and such, Hermione would supply her with the explanation that it was his superb upbringing (ha! Hermione was only telling them what they liked!). If she said that he had been sweet and romantic, Hermione would inform her that he was probably interested in her. Easy explanations, really.
Hannah came home looking very exhausted. "We danced and danced. Hermione, tell me what it means if he danced with me the whole time—he's such an excellent dancer, really!"
Hermione was caught a bit off-guard. She hadn't prepared for 'tell me what it means if we danced together'. Umm…it was a club…you're on a date…he was doing his duty, perhaps? "It means he likes you," she finally said, too tired to think of anything more farfetched or detailed.
The next morning, considerable shrieking alerted Hermione of yet another date box. "This is the three person date box," someone told Hermione as she entered the room, wearing another "fun and sexy" outfit. Curse the stupid clerk at that stupid store that had made her buy these stupid outfits. Today it was a pretty pastel pink pair of robes, that were tight, but far from skin tight—Hermione would never be caught dead in anything that resembled Millicent's laced thing a few weeks ago. That had been giving her nightmares.
"The date's for Blaise, Hermione, and Parvati, okay? You guys are going on a magical ride through Elsor's Gardens."
"Magical ride on what?" Hermione asked nervously. Please, nothing to do with heights, she begged. Of course, her luck, as usual, was as rotten as Hippogriff remains and it turned out the ride was going to be on something equivalent of a magical hot air balloon. Quite an experience.
The three of them were picked up by Malfoy around eleven that morning. Parvati smiled coyly and didn't talk while Blaise took the other option and began conversing outrageously with him. He seemed a bit taken aback at her brazenness but nevertheless, went along with it.
"So Draco Malfoy," Blaise teased, "who'd you fall asleep dreaming of?"
Malfoy smirked. "My mother."
Only Hermione caught his joke and she snorted, which caused both Blaise and Parvati to send her withering looks. "Hermione," Parvati whispered heatedly. "How many times have we told you not to laugh like a bloody animal?"
Malfoy apparently heard her comment. "Yes, Hermione," he stressed, "why must you snort? It's so wrong. And inconceivable, in this society. You must be very careful, dah-ling," he said.
Hermione snorted again at his comment. "Yes, it is, but then again, I'm only soil on this well polished floor," she replied, suddenly feeling a disgusting and irrepressible urge to giggle. Mentally berating herself, she swallowed mid-giggle. She wasn't a giggler; why the hell were the things infesting her now?
The ride wasn't half as bad as she'd thought it be. It was awfully nice to see the beautiful gardens from an aerial view, and she was pleasantly surprised to find out that Draco did know quite a bit about botany, and throughout the whole ride she was thoroughly entertained in this whole meal of knowledge. It had been absolutely fascinating to find out how exactly whomping willows had been cultivated and when the tara root had made its first appearance.
Unfortunately, Blaise and Parvati kept breaking the spell with a, "Wow, Draco, you know so much!" and a "You're such a bloody genius, sexy!". It got quite irritating about the third time around and Hermione desperately wanted to Silencio the two of them for at least a good three hours.
The date ended quite nicely, Hermione thought. It could have been a lot worse, but she had discovered so much lovely information about plants that it had been more than tolerable. Bordering on fun, even.
Blaise and Parvati were put-out that all they had done was "discuss stupid plants" as Blaise had said dismally and Parvati had agreed vigorously. "Most definitely," she had said, "the only chemistry going on there was between the plants and Draco. Oh, and Hermione too. She actually liked learning about the blasted things."
Hermione shrugged. "Oh, it wasn't that bad, really," she said. "Wasn't learning about that werewolf plant completely mesmerizing?"
Blaise rolled her eyes. "Um, yeah, if you're attracted to plants maybe!" Parvati nodded.
Hermione sighed, muttered something about wasting her breath, and returned to The Enemies Tryst, which was, unfortunately, quite gripping. Was Pamela going to date Brendan or Henry? Hermione couldn't tell. And then that silly Susan, she was not going to get her man back! Obviously Jordan was not interested…even though Lily was a conniving little creature. Sighing, Hermione turned to the next page. What had she become?
The last individual date had gone to Lavender, and it was a trip to a water park. Lavender came back dripping and elated, and demanding an interpretation of "he bought me fish and chips. What does that mean?" Hermione bullshitted an answer and the girls bought it as usual, and then donned their fanciest robes for a five-minute ceremony that ended in two of them crying their eyes out anyway.
It was morbid, this show. Blasted thing.
The tension was disgustingly thick as Draco tenderly picked up the first rose and began the same explanation—"I've grown increasingly fond of everyone so far and I feel like I have a connection with everyone here"—and all of that silly rot that was for plain idiots to trust. Unfortunately most of the girls here were looking at him with rapturous eyes and believing every single word. "He cares," Hermione heard one of them gush. Hermione sighed.
Draco was getting ready to call his first name. Finally he said, "Hannah." Hannah swallowed what was sure to be a squeal, Hermione knew, and went up and gave him a fierce hug.
"Thanks," she whispered. "Thanks."
The next girl to be called was Parvati, who had a very similar reaction to Hannah. If possible, the nerve-wracking situation had just gotten worse, as there were only two spots left. Hermione was pretty sure that Draco was going to need her now more than ever, and she was about eighty-five percent sure she'd get a spot—unless Draco had already found four girls he was deeply interested in. Then again, Draco seemed rather immature—his idea of connection was probably limited to the bedroom.
"Blaise," he finally said, and Blaise did not hesitate to conceal her joy as she leapt upward and enveloped Draco in a hug.
There was one rose left, and Hermione felt a fleeting feeling of pity for Millicent. Hermione was quite positive that Millicent would not be receiving a rose, and the poor girl really did lust after Draco in a most disturbing way.
"Hermione," Draco finally said, exhaling loudly. The cameras picked it up so that the tension would look even worse on television, and Hermione got up and accepted the rose. Their fingers brushed and Hermione was a bit surprised to find out that she hadn't grown green warts or been repulsed at his touch.
Poor Millicent had already begun to sniffle, and each sniffle was growing louder and louder. Feeling terrible, Hermione walked up to the poor girl and gently patted her back. "Millicent," she said comfortingly, "Don't be so downcast. Draco's not worth all of that."
But evidently this approach wasn't working very well. Millicent sobs increased in volume. Hermione, desperate for something to say, searched her brain. "Oh, Millicent, seriously. I'll have you know that Greg Goyle was sending you the snarkiest looks yesterday."
Millicent cheered up considerably.
A/N: Well, fair length chapter? Wow, thanks for the reviews, everyone. I have no idea why this fic is so popular—I never expected this kind of a reaction. Thanks! I wish I could recommend fics but I have found out that it's against the TOS. I really liked this fic The Big Cliché by The Dying Duck and I had others too but no more recommendations. I'll have to go back and delete my old ones sooner or later, too. Probably later because I procrastinate so much. Um, for those of you that asked me if there would ever be any romance, you'll just have to wait. I've laid down clues and stuff, and plus, it's pretty predictable. But no I'm not going to hurry it up because I love taking things slow. Anyway, please review! Thanks!