Author's notes:
Well, when I originally uploaded this fic, ffnet's system must have been…going crazy or something…so it thought there was only one word to it, and the reviews wouldn't come up on time…and on top of that…when I tried to put my original notes in, it ate them. So here I am typing again. This is just a short, one-shot, sappy, no-point-except-to-make-Tsuzuki-and-Hisoka-have-a-cuddly-moment fic. (I'm always surprised, when I go to look for Yami fanfiction, how little Tsuzuki/Hisoka fanfics there are…). So…basically, One-shot, Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Hisoka POV Shounen Ai. It's been revised from the original update because I was re-reading it and caught more of my tense problems (I think I fixed most of them). And if anyone is interested in more excellent Yami fanfiction, I highly recommend Kouri Arashi's "Live Through" arc (Including "Somewhere I Have Never Been" and "Falling is Like This"). I have her bookmarked as a favorite author, so when you're done here, go read her stuff! Best Yami fiction I've ever read, cross my heart.
Anyway! Thanks for reading, and Enjoy!!
-Cora
"Your Warmth"
No words had been spoken. But then, no words had been needed. Now that I think about it, if anyone had spoken, I would have shattered into chaos. I was so fragile, so breakable. I admit that I'm surprised I didn't fall apart in his arms.
He had held me as I'd felt the world fall down into nothingness. When I was losing control of myself, so close to losing myself, he held me. I still think that maybe, he was what kept me anchored to reality. Out of the incomprehensible mantras spinning through my mind then, he was the only thing that made sense, that stayed constant.
I clung to him.
It was like clinging to sanity. I knew I would lose if I let go, if I forgot that thought of him, nothing would have brought me back.
I didn't tell him that that was how I survived; that it was because of him I had held on.
Now, I think I feel closer to him. Who wouldn't? He did, after all, stay with me after I had pushed everyone away. Despite all of my harsh words, cruel actions, he stayed. He held me.
I am grateful, but I haven't told him. I'm not sure if I'll ever tell him. Maybe it'll stay locked within me forever.
I felt safe. I awoke in strong arms and warmth. I had had no desire to ever leave that security. I wanted to stay there, away from the harsh world that reveled in the joy of tormenting me. I knew, I know, he could protect me.
Since then, I have woken in the night finding my heart and body aching for those arms, for that warmth and for that safety.
Even now, I longed for it as I watched him across the room, sitting cross-legged in the plush lounge chair, reading over the case file. His dark hair feathered into his eyes, almost hiding a bored expression that twisted his normally serene features. The first couple buttons of his white dress shirt had been undone since we were away from the formality of the office. It took nearly all of the will power I possess to keep from running to him, flinging my body into his arms, and beg him to hold me and keep me safe forever.
"Ne, Hisoka…"
I jumped at his voice, startled out of my wandering thoughts.
"Yes…?" my voice came more breathy than intended.
He looked up, directly into my eyes before giving me a cheerful smile.
"Let's treat ourselves to dessert tonight, what do you think?"
I let a sigh slip through my lips, despite myself. "Don't you ever think about anything besides food?" I asked softly, though well do I know the answer.
"But we have enough, don't we? Pleeaassee Hisoka?"
"Alright, alright, we'll have dessert," I felt too tired to argue that if we had dessert tonight, we wouldn't be able to afford much of anything tomorrow.
Besides, I added silently to myself, if he's happy, I'll be happy.
Tsuzuki was hopelessly delighted. Later that evening he downed three slices of chocolate cake and half of mine. I didn't mind; I hadn't really been that hungry anyway.
When we returned to the hotel room, I eyed the mess of case papers on the floor. We had been working on the mystery for over a week and were barely any closer to the cause of all of the names appearing prematurely on the kiseki.
I dropped to my knees on the floor and began to gather the scattered documents, shoving them back into folders without really caring if they went into the correct ones or not. Tsuzuki, meanwhile, had flopped down on one of the beds to digest all of the cake he had consumed earlier. He laid there for a minute or two before reaching for the remote and turning on the TV. I left him to it when I get up from the floor and head to the bathroom to get ready for bed.
By the time I came back, wearing my pajamas, he'd already lost interest and had resorted to flipping channels. Tsuzuki sighed, defeatedly, and turned it off again. He curled himself up on the bed, looking as though he would fall asleep right there, if allowed to. Naturally, I'm not inclined to do so.
I was tucking myself under the covers of my own bed when I noticed this. "Tsuzuki, don't go to sleep like that, change your clothes at least." Part of me is surprised he at least took off his shoes. I felt like such a mother hen sometimes.
But, I thought as he gave a small protest before he got up and headed to the bathroom, I can't help wanting to take care of him, to help him take care of himself, because I know, when left to his own devices, Tsuzuki can be neglectful to himself. I just want to stay with him, always.
By the time he came back, I had already drifted into sleep.
I was in that dream again. The one about the night when my three long years of slowly dying began. I hadn't had this dream for a while. Not since…that last incident.
It was not going to end well.
Always, I always know it's a dream, but it still frightens me.
He still frightens me.
I could see him in the dream, staring down at me, a serene sort of smirk spreading across his face. An expression that only Muraki is capable of. Anger flared in me. I hated it when he looks at me like that. But there's nothing I could do about it, because in the dream, I couldn't move; there was nothing I could do.
"Such a beautiful doll," he murmured softly as he leaned down close to me. "It would be such a waste to kill something so beautiful so brutally…" A seductive hand ran lightly over my body, touching in places that made my skin twitch and burn with unwanted pleasure. It didn't matter that it was a dream; I can always feel it.
The carefully wandering touches slowly traced out a pattern that began to burn right into my flesh. I stubbornly refused to cry out, to show him any kind of response to pain, but it only seared deeper, and I felt as though I could barely breathe…
"Stop…stop…please…!"
No…no don't hurt me anymore…just please, please please please stop. it hurts, it hurts it hurts it hurts
Please!
"Hisoka!"
that voice…
"Hisoka!…Hisoka!"
…is familiar…
"Hisoka! Wake up!"
…who…wake up? Stop…stop shaking…me…
"Hisoka!"
Tsuzuki – !
My eyes flew open. Tsuzuki sat on my bed, looking extremely worried. It took a moment before I realized that I had a death grip on his wrists as he gripped me by the shoulders. I was also breathing very hard and was covered in a thin layer of cold sweat. What's worse was that my whole upper body burned with the remnants of the curse.
"Hisoka…daijoubu?" he asks worriedly, but what he's looking at is my arms. I had only worn a T-shirt and flannel pants to bed, so the majority of my arms were exposed to show the angry red markings. I hate it when anyone sees them, especially Tsuzuki. I hate to remind him about Muraki.
I swallowed and nodded slowly, letting go of his wrists and pushed up slowly to sit.
"I'm fine…"
By the look he gave me, I know he isn't convinced.
"Demo…Hisoka…" his eyes dropped back to the curse lines on my arms, and he stared at them as though hypnotized. If I didn't know any better, I would think they frightened him. Maybe they did.
I would be the last person to blame him.
I shook my head, the action made me slightly dizzy, but I ignored it. "I said I'm fine…" I pushed off the covers and slid off the bed and went to the bathroom for a glass of water, but as soon as I took one step, the world went fuzzy and I felt myself falling backwards. I was caught by a soft warmth which enfolded around me as I felt my mind cloud over, and the world slowly faded into black.
The first thing that registered as my mind came back into consciousness was that same warmth I had fallen into. My empathy stretched out and a wave of emotions slammed into me so forcefully I barely got my shields back up in time. An intense feeling of worry had nearly thrown me back into the abyss of my mind.
But underlying all that anxiety was another feeling that I couldn't quite interpret. It was something I had often felt around Tsuzuki, but usually it was dimmed to the point where it skimmed just below my senses.
It was more prominent now than I'd ever felt it, but I still had difficulty holding onto it. Despite what some people may believe, emotions do not label themselves when you use empathy. You have to know your own emotions to be able to recognize what others are feeling.
This emotion was almost completely foreign to me. It had been new when I'd first met Tsuzuki. I'd had no idea what to do with this feeling. It hadn't been much of a problem before, since usually it was so elusive I could only barely grasp it for seconds at a time. But before Tsuzuki, I had never had any experience with it.
Then, suddenly, it was clear to me. The warmth I felt was not just from the fact that Tsuzuki was holding me close to his body. It was also from this emotion he was letting himself project now more than ever before. This strong warmth which I couldn't help but feel safe as it wrapped around me, this was the only thing I had ever wished for when I had been alive.
It was love.
…Tsuzuki…
"Hisoka?" Gentle. Soft. Warm. Worried.
My eyes slowly flitted open to find large, anxious purple ones staring down at me.
"…Tsuzuki…" a small, weak whisper was all I could manage.
A relieved smile broke across his face. "Yokkatta…" something cool and damp was placed against my forehead. "Mou, Hisoka, you shouldn't say you're fine if you're really not," he chided gently.
I gazed into that deep purple a moment longer before closing my eyes again and turning my face into his chest.
"Gomen…"
There was a small pause, and I could just barely feel his body tense a moment before relaxing.
"Hisoka…" he whispered again, and I felt my heart catch in my chest. I could feel his slight confusion, his emotions were conflicting with one another. He wasn't sure how to handle the situation because although emotions of sincere care were coming off him in waves, he was afraid that he would get hurt.
I tried to project reassurance into him; tried to make it clear that I would never hurt him, but with the exhaustion brought on by the nightmare, this use of my powers washed another sick and dizzy feeling into me. God but I hate being an empath sometimes.
The cold cloth came back to my forehead again, and I felt a tentative skimming of fingers down my cheek. I didn't mean to, but I opened my eyes again to look up at him.
Tsuzuki looked for all the world like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie-jar.
"S-sorry…" he stammered, taking his hand away, "I…"
"Tsuzuki," I cut him off, catching his hand and pressing it back against my face, "it's okay."
His eyes go wide for a moment before I close mine once again, just simply content with his touch.
Part of me doesn't understand how he can be so self-conscious about little gestures of affection when he does everything else in such a carefree manner. It adds a whole new dynamic to his character. Tsuzuki is one of those people who appears to have no complexities at all, but when you stop a moment and think, you realize that in fact you know very little about him.
But on another level I can partially understand his hesitation. All throughout his life he had been tormented, hated, scorned. Like me. Except that I had been locked away; imprisoned and out of reach of society. Tsuzuki had not. He was out in the open, left to a superstitious and cruel world. It is easy to see why he would be wary of love.
I know all this, but I've never quite understood why.
My thoughts drifted, and in their wandering I was slowly falling back into sleep. Tsuzuki's fingers gently stroking through my hair only lulled me faster.
Tsuzuki laid me back down on the bed and began to tuck me back in. My empathy protested at the absence of the warmth and comfort of his arms.
"Nnnh…" I grumbled without really meaning to. My eyes stayed shut for lack of strength to open them.
"Hisoka?"
I calmed my empathy, trying to regain the edge of sleep.
"No…it's nothing," I breathed softly.
I could feel his smile. I could have felt it all the way back in Meifu.
"Daijoubu da yo, Hisoka," he whispered.
Then my senses were taken completely by surprise as he pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. I could feel concern, love, pain, trust, in that simple contact. My empathy was completely filled up by the warmth that could only be Tsuzuki, and I struggled to keep control of it and not throw my arms around him and beg him to just hold me for that night.
I have learned that, sometimes, it is simply best to let your inhibitions go.
As he leaned back I gently caught his face, just inches from my own. My empathy picked up the changing color in his emotion as he becomes somewhat confused. I felt as though my own emotions all tried to push through me at once, and it became hard to breathe.
"Tsuzuki – …" my breath hitches.
He only twitches a slender eyebrow in further confusion.
"Hisoka…what – "
My body has completely gone beyond my rational control. In one rush of movement I brought my lips up to his and began to kiss him desperately. At this point, I knew I must have been projecting madly.
He was tense and caught off guard at first, then I felt him physically relax and return my gesture, though in a somewhat more timid manner.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, wanting to be ever closer to him, trying to dig deeper into his warmth. I broke our kiss, breathless for lack of air. A rush of blood had already found its way to my face, and I knew my cheeks must be an obvious pink. I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eyes, but buried my face into his neck, feeling overwhelmed by the force of my own emotions. I felt the pinpricks of tears in my eyes.
To my own surprise I felt him draw me closer, his arms wrapping around me tightly. I sniffed slightly, attempting to regain control of my body and my empathy, as his fingers once again sift through the strands of my hair.
"Tsuzuki…I…I didn't – " I couldn't make it any farther, my choking sobs made it nearly impossible for me to speak.
"Shh…Hisoka," he says soothingly. I was so flustered I couldn't keep the empathy straight.
"I…I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…I just…" I managed after a few moments, tears staining into his shirt.
At this the hand in my hair paused, and he was quiet. I continued to attempt to stop my tears and calm myself down, only to find that it wasn't working.
He moved slightly away from me, and I felt fingers rubbing away the tear-stains running down my face. When they were done, he gently tilted my chin up to make our eyes touch each other. He smiled at me, though somewhat sadly.
"I don't mind, Hisoka."
I finally managed to get the sobbing under control, and I looked at him through watered eyes. "…I just…"
"Shh," he kissed my forehead again, almost shattering the fragile hold I have on myself.
"…Tsuzuki…please…would you…just hold me tonight…?"
This time I could both see and feel his smile, and he brought me into that warm embrace.
"I always will, Hisoka."
-owari-