The Bachelor Chapter 13

An odd sensation hacked at Hermione's insides as she watched Parvati disappear. The room seemed to have grown larger with the absence of the other girls. She mused to herself…twenty-five of them had once cloistered inside this room. Twenty-four of them had been hoping to be that last girl there.

Out of those twenty-four, only one of them remained.

Shaking her head in contemplation, Hermione marveled at how far she'd come. Of course her competitive side hummed with glee when she thought of how she'd ousted all of those gold-diggers. Then again, battled her look-at-the-reasons side, what the hell was she doing frolicking, yes, hideously cavorting around with Draco Malfoy?

He was ambling over towards her now. Oh, shit.

She looked down at the sofa. Bright red. Mmm, sexy. No, Hermione, not sexy, she chided herself. Sofas weren't sexy...but they could be made to be sexy. Depending on what you did with them or how you used them.

Crap. Blaise was so rubbing off on her.

"Hermione," Draco said warmly sitting down next to her. "Wine?"

She shook her head primly. "No, thank you. I don't drink unless there is occasion to do so."

"I find it occasion enough," he continued with a small smirk. "Do have some."

"Ask Hannah to," she snapped, her heart pitter-pattering as he shrugged and turned away.

"If you insist," he drawled. "I'll do anything…you…want."

She giggled. He was trying to seduce her, then? What for? Although of course she wanted to be seduced quite fully and properly, she decided she was not going to be an easy one. They said she was hard-to-get, then why, by golly, she'd play hard-to-get. "Good!" she said brightly. "Could you leave me alone then?"

"Touchy," he pouted, and turned his amorous attentions (poor boy hadn't had a lay in six weeks, she remembered) to Hannah, who eagerly greeted them and threw them right back at him.

Hermione watched as they walked off hand-in-hand to some part of the huge mansion, probably to make out.

Hermione had never made out before. Okay, one teeny tiny peck on the lips sort of kiss, well, it hadn't even been that…she couldn't quite tell what Viktor had done as a goodbye. She'd been quaking with nervousness, so…and then of course, there had been that time in Switzerland. But she refused to think about it. Shaking her head slightly, she walked over to the bottle of wine that Draco had been offering her and gingerly poured herself a glass. Might as well. She did love a good Merlot every once in a while.

An hour later Draco and Hannah came back in to find a slightly tipsy Hermione stroking that red couch and murmuring to herself. She sat up abruptly when she saw them and turned beet-red. "What are you doing back so soon?" she asked, flushed. And then to distract attention from herself, she said as meanly as she could muster, "What's the matter, Draco? Couldn't keep it up long enough?"

He scowled.

Hannah started.

Hermione held up her hand. "I'm going to bed. And this Merlot… what cheap kind of brand is this! Penebleise Valley? Never heard of it! Damn the show. If they can't afford better wines then this world truly is coming to a low-point."

She departed, knowing just how confused Draco and Hannah might be. It felt good to be the… the one who was being the puzzle for a change, instead of the puzzled.

"Well," she heard Draco drawl below. "Looks like she's in a bad mood."

"Why speculate about her, Draco?" Hannah responded distantly. "I can think of much better things to do…"

Shutting the door with a slam, Hermione frowned and leaned against its heavy oak. She liked him, she really did. Every word he said… it made her… want to be with him. She hated him. He was an evil, conniving git who deserved someone like Blaise or Hannah anyway.

But she couldn't let him know. He was just playing around with her, the same way he'd played around with the other twenty-five girls here. And he was just bastard-y enough to laugh with glee if he found out just how much she fancied him.

Unhappy and depressed, Hermione snapped at a camera man who had followed her up. "Go away," she growled. "I'm about to undress."

"Any words?" the little snot asked greedily. "Any… accusations against Hannah?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "I know you want the... I hate Hannah! Oh, my, gosh, she is the world's biggest bitch ever. She totally stole my man!... routine, but I'm not going to give it to you."

He grinned. "You just did, sugar," and walked off hurriedly before she could castrate him.

Hermione mumbled an expletive in his direction but otherwise slumped down onto her bed. There was no point in following him anyway, and it was just too much effort to actually have to kill him, then hide the body, and then think of an alibi. She had already degraded herself enough by simply participating on the show. What would one more little incident do? The public's opinion of Hermione Granger, Potions Biochemist and Transfiguration Major, owner of Granger Labs and four-time winner of Scientist of the Year, had already changed.

Now she was Hermione Granger, Participant on The Bachelor, Girl Who Vied for Marrying Draco Lucius (maybe, she didn't know what the idiot's middle name was) Malfoy, and Girl Who Actually Fell For The Bastard.

Hannah probably didn't even fancy him as much as Hermione did. He was smart. Ooh, he was smart. He liked plants and reading. If there was one regret Hermione had, it was not studying Herbology after Hogwarts. She loved the magical plants; he would be absolutely fantastic to discuss it all with.

Too bad.

Just as she changed for the night and was ready to turn off the lights, Hannah stepped into the room, her face happy and bubbly. "Hermione," she crowed happily.

"I'm very tired, Hannah," Hermione said as miserably as she could muster. "Perhaps some other time you can tell me just how Draco Malfoy snogs a girl."

"Oh, it was fantastic! Scratch that, marvelous! The best snog I've had in years."

Hermione rolled over and turned off the lights, but that didn't shake Hannah off. Hermione fell asleep to Hannah droning on and on. "…and then he said that I looked lovely… and we got to third base. Can you believe that! Third base! Almost a shag!"

"Mmm" mumbled Hermione. "Shut up."

"Bloody hell. Haven't felt this good in ages," Hannah sighed happily. Just when Hermione thought that Hannah was drifting off, she was flooded by that voice again. "Hermione? Do you think he's my soul mate? Oh god. I've found my soul mate. I know I have. Jesus! I'm tingling! Hermione! He's my soul mate! My soul mate, damn it, my soul mate!"

Sleep was out of the question. If soul mates were preventing her from sleeping, then life was tougher than she thought. "Hannah!" she seethed. "It is one a.m. I'm really tired. I know, I know, it's absolutely silly of me to be sleepy at one, abnormal as it is… but can you just accept it and have a soul mate discussion in the morning?" she snapped.

Hannah blinked.

Hermione groaned.

"So, anyway, yeah… oh, gosh. Do you really think he's my soul mate? How many girls can say they met their soul mate through a TV show? Isn't that freaking cool!"

Needless to say, Hermione woke up the next morning an absolute mess. Her hair was worse than normal, she was sure she had tea bags planted firmly under her eyes, and her head pounded in misery, aching for a more peaceful sleep. "Gah," she muttered as she made her way over to her suitcase for emergency Pepper-Up potion. Never travel without the stuff, she reminded herself, just in case sleep was once again denied in her future thanks to a discussion about whether Draco Malfoy was Hannah's soul mate or not.

Hannah was bright and chipper, on the other hand. "Hermione," she said, and her voice seemed to ooze with happiness. "I'm excited. Tomorrow… tomorrow we're going to go visit his mansion! Am I visiting first or are you?"

Hermione shrugged. "Kathy will probably waltz in any second and tell us. She's got a nasty habit of doing so," she continued, frankly expressing her dislike of the ex-Malfoy. "I really hate that woman."

In response to Hermione's outburst, Hannah's eyes grew wide and she stared. "Really?" she giggled. "Why?"

"Because," she responded glumly. "She's so annoying. And she expects us to think her damned nephew is the next Prince Charles or something."

"Prince Charles is dreamy, isn't he?" Hannah said, still giggling.

"Oh, Hannah!" Hermione sighed. Whatever floats your boat… "He's old! And anyway, I thought you felt that way about Draco!"

"I do! It's okay to feel that way about lots of people, Hermione, but you only have one soul mate. And he's so mine. Isn't he? You can tell. Blonde goes so well with brunette. Lurrrrrve it!" Hannah had begun to apply make up as she gossiped. "I'm so totally excited. What do you think I should say to him, advice counselor?"

"Look," Hermione replied, deftly avoiding a spray of perfume (going right for the eye there, that was!). "It's not just…I'm a brunette, too," she finally finished up nervously, hoping Hannah would understand the implications that well, her brunette hair went well with his blonde (she hoped).

"Oh," Hannah frowned, turning to look at Hermione, and Hermione had to quickly side step a jabbing eyeliner (Sweet Merlin! T'was a war zone!). "So you are…oh my gosh! You want to go blonde, don't you?!"

Well, so much for that. Hannah obviously didn't understand. "No, no," Hermione soothed. "Not at all… I don't believe in dying your hair… one should always love what she has! I mean, unless your hair is turning gre—"

But she was cut off by a super excited Hannah. "It's okay, Hermione. Nonsense! Embrace your inner blonde! I was a blonde just a few months ago. It's amazing. Blondes do have the most fun!"

"I don't care about fun," Hermione said blankly.

"Of course you do," Hannah replied distractedly as she began to frantically comb the room for something or the other. "Aha, got it!" She pulled out her wand and Hermione's heart began to race.

"Um," she began cleverly, "what are you doing?"

"Just hold tight for a minute. Remembering the spell… it'll come to me…"

Hermione shrank towards a wall. "Hannah…" she warned.

But her words were useless. Hannah turned to her, eyes blazing, and before Hermione could react or respond, she shouted. "Hold still now! I've got it! Auricomus Alterteratum!"

Hermione closed her eyes as bile rose up in her throat. Oh dear, Hannah was going to kill her with some stupid spell gone awry… it was going to be in the papers… "Top Scientist Tragically Killed by False Make-Up Spell"… what a way to go…how depressing!

Suddenly it was all quiet. Hermione opened her eyes cautiously and examined her hands. Ten fingers? Check. Her eyes traveled upwards. Two arms? Check. Torso? Check. Neck? Check. Face? Check. Hair? Check. She looked up and Hannah was beaming at her.

"You. Look. Stunning. Ravishing. Fantastic." She stated gleefully. "Come see! Come see, come see, come see! You will love it!"

Cautiously Hermione stepped in front of the mirror.

And shrieked.

"MY HAIR!" she moaned. "MY HAIR MY HAIR MY HAIR! Hannah what in Merlin have you done to it!"

"Lovely, isn't it?" Hannah replied fondly. "I swear, even Draco Malfoy will find you undoubtedly attractive."

"What spell did you use?" Hermione demanded in frustration and anger, fingering her now blonde…and not only blonde, platinum, yellowy blonde!...locks and wanting to yank them out.

"Only the spell that every witch should know. That and… hee… I can't say, the other one's really dirty. But quite pleasurable," Hannah chuckled.

"I don't care, I don't care," Hermione mumbled unhappily as she racked her brains for a spell to reverse it… what had Hannah said? She grabbed Hannah's wand in desperation and forced it to reveal its last spell… ah.

In a few minutes, Hermione was back to normal; perfectly brown-haired again. Shooting a dirty look at the wand, she fingered the brown locks and breathed in a sigh of relief. Her heart was still pounding from the momentary shock, however. "I hate you," she snarled at Hannah, who looked hurt.

"Just trying to help, Hermione! You know you looked much better as a blonde. It hides your huge nose and shows off your otherwise small eyes."

"Just shut up!" Hermione groaned. She hated to be so rude, but Hannah had crossed the limit. "I was trying to make a point, and you go dye my hair blonde! How thick can you get!"

Hannah sniffled. "You know. All I wanted to do was help. But if you can't even take that, then just go screw yourself. You little bi—"

"—tch," Hermione finished muttering under her breath. "Whatever. I tried to explain it to you. You keep assuming I'm just some cow sitting here waiting for the show to end. Well I've been here six weeks and you know what? I'm just as anxious as you! I too have kissed Draco, okay?"

Hannah's voice, which seemed to get squeakier as she got more excited, positively resembled a mouse. "You did?" she whispered. "Was it awkward? I bet it was. He isn't your soul mate," she spat.

"Yeah well I'm not dumb enough to believe he is," Hermione replied venomously.

"Did you just call me dumb?" Hannah's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"So what if I did," Hermione threw her hands up in the air. She was fed up of this whole thing. All this trouble for one boy. It was ridiculous yet riveting at the same time. Interesting and horrible. Paradox. Damn.

"Then…then, ok, Hermione, you wanna play games?" Hannah asked coolly, which seemed a marvelous feat for the hot-headed young girl.

"Maybe you think you're playing games," Hermione responded, noticing how silly the situation was. Preposterous, even. "But you can't handle it."

"Oh is that what you think? Is it? Is it? You want a piece of me? Cuz watch out, bitch, you're going to get it."

Hermione stepped back. Hannah was taking this a bit too seriously, wasn't she?

"You think you can get Draco?" Hannah continued, every word of her rant serious and deadly. Except that it was a very high-pitched serious and deadly. "You think so? Well, you're nothing compared to me. You know he's going to pick me. Totally."

Hermione stumbled on her words. "Excuse me? He doesn't even like you! He personally told me!" Okay, so it was a lie. But whatever. The situation called for it.

"Uh-uh. I'm not taking this. From now on, Miss Hermione Granger, it's war. W-A-R-R. War."

Hermione giggled, swore, and frowned in the same three seconds. "All right," she finally said. "You're on."

What had she gotten herself into?

A/N: I'm sorry it took so long. Guys, I know you want the next chapter, but death threats? Um, sorry. I'm too lazy to respond to those. I had final exams, for those of you who don't check my bio—by the way, if you ever want to know any update info, if something unusual is going on, I'll put it in my bio! To answer your questions, though, does this all really happen in the show? Not sure. I myself have watched one season of it (Andrew and Jen), found it utterly ridiculous and somehow humorous, and then decided to make fun of it.

Let's see…thanks so much for your awesome reviews though. They were really fantastic. Once again, leave your e-mail if you want the e-mail update, okay? Well, that's all for now. Apologizing for the shortness of the chapter, but I have writer's block.

As for Hannah's meanness, well, yes, she was a Hufflepuff, but people change. And if Hannah gets antsy when it comes to boys, then so be it.