Huzzah!

Welcome, friends. Come and sit down. The next chapter will follow shortly. Hope you've all been well. It's nice out, so I seem to be doing more reading rather than typing- my bad. Anyhoo (no it's not a typo). . .

WARNING! WARNING! DISCLAIMING IMMINENT! I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING EXCEPT MIA AND TISH!

Also contains moderate fantasy violence, one substance reference, and some suggestive humour. (Not really, but that's the disclaimer for Shrek 2 and it cracks me up. XD)

Review Responses: (I love you all)

Tashilover: I agree. Men shopping= bitching-- even more bitchy than most women, so go figure. And of course Tish didn't look fat. Much.

Kyrillia: Thanks! It was inspired by an advert I saw once. . . "Woman 1: does this dress make me look fat? Women 2: No, your fat makes you look fat" – All these years on, and I still love that advert. I think it was for coffee, for some strange reason. But I digress. Thank you for reviewing, and this time you'll get a sugar free cookie, just as you requested!

Megami no Izanumi: Weirdly enough, my Mo (mum) speaks French, and is always trying to teach me some random expletives. . .parents, eh? Maybe I'll put some in for "authenticity". . .heh heh. Quelle horreur! Merde du vache! (I apologise to any French people if that is heinously wrong, I only have a measly GCSE in French.) 0

Dragonet: Heh, thankies! I'm worried for Mia more than Tish myself, I don't really know how this is going to go, and I'm writing the bleeding fic! Heh. Well, I let my typing go where the muse takes me.

Starwolf the Insane: Yay! Feel free to roam the world with a strange French accent! And yes, Vargas is amazing. Everyone: go read it now!

Bzzzzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzzzzzz. Pick up. Pick up. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

"-Hello?"

"Ah, Mia, thank God!"

"What?"

"Uh, I mean, hi. How are you?"

"Who is this?"

"Uh, Two."

"Oh, right. Hey."

"So, are you okay?"

"I guess."

"Why haven't you been returning my calls?"

"I dunno, just still a bit. . . weirded out."

"Why?"

"Why? WHY? What do you mean, why? How about the way you left me at the movies! Just- went! Just like that! And then the whole mall thing- I was really worried, that guy looked just like you, are you sure you don't know anything, I mean, I'm not pointing the finger but I've been out with some weirdos in my time, and, and- not that I'm calling you weird or anything, I'm just worried- Oh, God! I don't want to accuse you, I won't, but I mean, it wasn't you was it? You weren't the guy at the mall?"

"No."

"Thank God!"

"So, um. . . how you been?"

"Great. Fine. Over the moon."

"Really?"

"Of course not! I've been trying to keep this deadline at work, my boss is being a pig, and the e-mail systems are down- can you imagine? And. . ."

Ah. Two breathed a sigh of relief. She had started to talk about some pointless personal affair and not the mall incident, which he took as a good sign. Almost an unspoken forgiveness, he thought, as if she wasn't concerned of accusing him anymore. And, for the record, he was innocent. He hadn't been at the mall- it was One's face she must have seen on the T.V. Two would have to follow his twin up on that, too. Being spotted at the scene of the crime? A very stupid mistake to make. No doubt the Merovingian was not too happy about it either.

Mia's voice had ended on a high note; she must have asked a question. Shit! What did she ask? There was a lengthy silence before Two managed a 'Pardon?' which sounded squeaky and hurried. She sighed.

"Have you been listening? At all?"

"Yes, yes, of course! What do you mean, wasn't listening? I-"

"You're awful at lying, you know that?" But he heard her giggle down the line. What strange beings these women were.

"Sorry. Look, Mia. I need to ask you something."

"Hm?"

"My boss, he- ah, is hosting a dinner tonight. It'll be a really boring, I mean, just some old French toad waffle on about how great he is, but, I'd like it if you, uh, came. With me."

He could tell she was considering this, could almost see her eyebrows knit together.

"Okay, why not? But no running off this time!"

Thank God. Now the next problem on the agenda.

"Mia. . . there is another thing too."

"What now?" Her voice was guarded, almost exasperated.

"I have a brother. . ."

"And? So do I. He lives in Oxford and spends his days working with bricks and cement."

". . .Okay. But I mean, I have a twin. Identical."

"That's not too unusual." Mia seemed a little confused, but relieved at the same time. "Look, it's not as if you're going to dress the same so I can't tell whose who, right?"

Silence.

"You dress the same?"

Shit. Shit shit shit. Two, think of something! Something that won't sound weird.

"Uh. . .yes." Okay, now an explanation. "I. . .The boss." Good, blame it on someone else. "He makes sure we look the same, it's a bodyguard thing- to confuse any enemies, so we can't get targeted." It was the truth, at a stretch. Well, Two thought it was better than 'we're just pieces of coding and don't need to change- ever'. Mia still seemed non-plussed.

"You are a strange one, aren't you?"

"Yes. Pick you up at six?"

"Sure. Okay. See you then."

The Twins were in the Porsche driving steadily towards Tish's house. They were both silent, though their minds kept bouncing thoughts off each other.

-Nervous, are we?

-Shut up. You are too.

-Well you better deal with it. We have to pass this twisted test The Merovingian had set. Otherwise I'm going to have to hurt something.

Two made his mind purposefully blank so One couldn't sense what he was thinking.

"Fine, be like that." His Twin sulked, before diverting his attention back to the road.

The minutes crawled by. Two wondered what Tish was going to look like; One had been very guarded about his date so far. She sounded like someone The Merovingian would disapprove of, which worried Two- what if his Twin failed the task? Would he have to retake it too? He flicked his nail, partly for something to do and partly to irritate One. He could see One's jaw clench, but he kept silent. He was definitely nervous. They pulled up outside of Tish's apartment to see her waving out the window at them. She yelled, 'Be down in a minute!' and disappeared. Two timed her, just for fun. Seven minutes and thirty two seconds later, Tish burst from the door.

Two had to admit he was surprised- One had seemed so critical about Tish's appearance, but to him she looked perfectly fine. Her hair was swept back off of her face to show her porcelain skin. Her makeup, whilst a little black, was nowhere near as bad as One had made out. She was wearing a matching necklace and earrings. Apart from the chunky chained boots that she wore, she looked like a proper lady.

"Hey!" She said brightly as she flopped into the back of the car. Her expression changed when she saw both of them from delight to confusion to delight again. "Now wait a fuckin' minute," She said, pointing at The Twins in turn. "There's two of you? You never told me. Which one is which?"

Well, thought Two, she may be a little blunt but there was definitely charisma. One turned round in his seat. "I'm One," he said, pointing at himself. "He's my, uh, brother, Two."

Tish burst out laughing, a high pitched cackle that lasted for ages.

"One and Two? You gotta be fuckin' kidding me!" She was met with blank stares from the Twins and laughed harder. "And what, you're whole family's numerical? 'Oh, look, kids, it's Uncle Five?!?'" She collapsed into giggles again. Two decided any charisma he had perceived she had had gone straight out of the window.

"Tish, remember, we're evil Vamps. We don't have family or proper names." One said as he started the car. Two's eyebrows almost shot off of his head.

-Vampires? He asked One telepathically.

-Just play along, okay? It's the only way she goes along with anything. It was true- Tish had stopped laughing and was now looking at them both with silent awe.

"Uh, Tish?" Two said. Tish looked at him through the mirror. "We're going to be picking up someone else now, okay? Someone who doesn't know about. . .the vamp issue. So no mentioning anything about vampires, okay?"

Tish sighed but nodded.

Time continued to crawl by, and an awkward silence had filled the car. The streetlights whizzed past as the car sped up silently. Two checked the clock; 7.47. They had to meet The Merovingian at eight- it was going to be tight. The Merovingian always appreciated punctuality.

Luckily Mia was ready and waiting for them. Two immediately smiled at the sight of her- as usual, she looked stunning. She was wearing a very expensive-looking purple dress, low-cut and split up the side to show off those gorgeous legs. Two got out of the car to greet her and she surprised him with a kiss. She got into the back with Tish, who stared at her blankly.

"Mia, this is Tish, Tish, Mia. And you haven't met my Twin, One."

Mia nodded and said hello.

"Weird, isn't it?" Tish said to Mia, nodding at The Twins. "One and Two."

Mia nodded again, not sure of what to say. Luckily Tish was quiet for the rest of the journey, and Two breathed a sigh of relief when they reached the restaurant. He got out, remembered his manners and opened the door for Mia. She took his hand and smiled. Two saw his Twin do the same for Tish before muttering to the Valet to park the car. Two approached the restaurant doors and gulped.

Well, this was it.

Show time.

Dan Dan Daaaahhh etc etc. Coming up to the last hurdles now, well done for getting this far! Cookies, muffins, celery sticks and salsa dip for all! : )

If you guys know of the cohorts that The Merovingian keeps company with, (e.g Vlad and the rest of the Merv crew) please leave some stats/facts in a review. I am in need of character information. :D

Eddie