Inside Their Heads: Ishtar
Written By:
Samanda Hime-sama
I am surrounded by people every day. There are a few who care about me personally but the rest don't. A few people (mostly my relatives) hate me for the simple fact that I was born as the next to rule Pheliosta.
Most choose to not to see me but what I represent. They scurry to and fro during their work but at the end of the day they go home. I'm only a means to an end for them; which is okay by me. That stopped hurting a long time ago.
The perfect example to this would be Sir Keld. He doesn't see me as a person and I doubt he ever will. I am useful to him because he has ambitions of being related to the Royal Family. The day I marry I will either cease to be useful or he will continue to try to manipulate me for his further gain.
I do not plan to marry Yuujel so most likely he will cease to try to manipulate me for his own ends. I pity him because he's old now and all he has left are dreams of his ambitions. It's all that his life has become. His wife had an affair with and ran off with another man when she learned the truth about Sir Keld.
And I hate him too for his selfishness. He doesn't care who is trampled beneath his shoes as he races to put his schemes into action. He's hurt so many people but he doesn't care. And that's what I can't forgive. He'd like to think that we are all puppets dancing to his tune and to some extent that is true. But I know what he's about so sometimes I take the time to sabotage his newest plan and laugh inside as I watch it backfire. All by accident of course.
Jill, Krai and the other imperial guards also fit into the mold too. They see me as that 'trouble making, bratty princess' without inquiring as to why I act that way. Then at the end of the day they pat themselves on the back and go home to a warm meal with their families. And I'm left here alone in this gigantic castle, alone.
Sometimes I wonder what I did so wrong in my last life that I am so cursed in this one. I'm sure that if I said that aloud someone would laugh in my face and tell me that I'm being absurd. But then they don't know the truth, do they?
I think the clothes are the only real perk to the job of being a princess. The boring lessons, the constant need for perfect etiquette, assassins, risk of poison and lack of confidantes speak for themselves. If I had my choice I would not have been born a princess but a normal person instead.
And they wonder why I am such a 'problem child.'
But we are not in charge of our own destinies, although sometimes we can alter it for a greater purpose if the will is strong enough. I think Duzie said that to me once. Sometimes its hard to remember because Duzie says so much.
Duzie is one of the three people I care about most in the whole world. See, he's my pet kyawl. The circumstances around how I got him are a little strange heh heh. Let's just say I wanted a little away time for the castle.
But Duzie isn't just a kyawl. It's his newest incarnation. His last one was when he was the vampire King Duzell. He cursed my great grandfather, Phelios, as Phelios killed him. And when Phelios was reborn, Duzell followed him and got reborn himself. And I picked him up, so to speak.
I committed myself to helping him find Phelios so I could help him kill him. What? You think that it isn't something I should be helping him with? Phelios is the one that got me in this position. If he hadn't died then I wouldn't be a princess.
Plus I enjoy pulling one over on everybody. Admit it. If you had the chance to do something in a life that up till that point had no meaning, would you? And enjoying that isn't wrong.
I don't know very much about Duzie's past. I think it could be summed up by: 'I figured world domination would be a fun way to spend eternity.' And that's really all I know about him. He's really very intelligent and a great strategist which is what makes him such a good general, I guess.
But I think I know him pretty well now. It's been about six months since I picked him up from the wilds. I do have to admit to the overpowering urge to match make with Duzie. I've been trying to hook him up with some cuties but he hasn't been going for it. He claims that the men I've been eyeing as potential mates aren't his types. So I guess Duzie does go both ways... Huh.
Oh and then there's Falan. She's my cousin and heir to Ci Xeneth but she won't agree to that. She's on a mission to get her half brother, Illsaide, appointed as King. She's claiming that since he's so beloved by the people he'd be the one everyone would support for the throne. Personally, I think she's just trying to get off the list herself. Falan has never liked being the center of attention.
Out of all my relatives I love her the best. She's got a calm and serene disposition but can be forceful when circumstances call for it. She has the long silver hair that characterizes my family tree and the same dark green eyes that I have. We're both petite but she has the bigger bust and I'm a little jealous about it, okay? She's also cute, friendly and available. Any takers?
There's also Darres. I love him with all of my soul but in a different way than Falan and Duzie. To me, they are my family. But Darres, Darres I want him to be my future. I want to marry him and bear his children. Live in a little cottage somewhere with just our family and live out our lives peacefully.
It's a nice little dream, huh? It won't ever happen though. My admiration and respect for Darres turned complicated after I hit puberty. Oh I knew that I loved him and that he was the only man for me. But there was one slight little problem that wouldn't stop nagging at me.
You see, Darres doesn't love me back. When he looks at me, he see's me as well as the princess everyone else wants me to be. But in the end that's all that he does see. He doesn't see me as desirable and I rather think he see's me as asexual. At least until I do something to rub his nose that I'm alive, desirable and hot blooded young maiden.
I hang onto my feelings. The love I feel for him is what sustains me through the bad times. And I hope that one day Darres will wake up from whatever dreams that fill his head and really looks at me. It would be nice to see that look of male appreciation in his eyes for once instead of disapproval.
Hey, I can keep dreaming. Sometimes if one wishes hard enough for their most powerful desire, it can come true. I think I'll try that. If I wish with every part of myself maybe one day Darres will turn to me and tell me he loves me. Until that day I will wait...
The rest of the people? They don't care about me. And as far as I'm concerned they can all go hang.