A/N: Ah yes, here we go again. Thanks to those who read and reviewed. I just have to say that I'm imagining them a bit older in this than they really are, and also that the press is more visible and significant, meaning that they appear on TV and in papers like real celebrities do. Apart from that I also have to say that this person might seem a bit OOC, but I like to think that there's more to him than just his tough exterior.

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

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Dear Diary – I Miss You

–

Dear Diary,

Here I am writing once again despite promising myself not to. The last time I did this it tore me up awfully and why would anyone want to put themselves through something painful? That was what I based my decision on then, but things have changed in the meantime and I just don't know anymore. I can't really help it, you see, things are developing in a way that I don't like at all, and since I don't have anybody to talk to about it I guess I'm stuck with you.

If I were overly dramatic and emotional I'd say I've lost everything, but I'm not so it's not really the right thing to say. However, the blatantly sentimental statement does hold a grain of truth as everything that ever mattered to me is gone now. I'm even afraid I'm the only one to blame for it.

On the other hand, though, I'm not really surprised, I don't want to be, I should have seen it coming. All good things come to an end and all that, but it still tears at my very being to think of all the things that used to be mine, but aren't any more. What happened to us, to me, that made it all end up like this?

Despite everything I did to keep up appearance and be the anti-social snob some accused me of being, I always thought we, as a team, were different. Stronger, better, closer, capable of taking on the world, and make a difference so it wouldn't happen. Not to us. We wouldn't break and fall apart.

It seems we did anyway.

And I'm scared, scared senseless, because when I look at everybody, they don't seem to have noticed. Not a thing. Their lives go on and they're happy, but they don't see that things aren't the way they used to be. I do, and I don't like what I see. Deep down these people do matter to me. They're my team. My friends.

I don't even remember the last time I had a normal talk with Max outside an interview. However, I do remember reading in a paper that he and his girl had broken it off. Before I read it I had no idea. That's bad. That's beyond bad, because it wasn't like that all the time. I remember doing stuff with Max, bothering Kenny, going to town, staying up all night before a tournament to win a bet and prove to the others that we could, and other normal things. If my memory serves me well, though, that's years ago and I don't know what happened to him between then and now.

Oh yes. Beyond bad.

Luckily it's only Max I've drifted so far away from. The other three are still my friends and the ones I do things with. Or so I like to tell myself.

Kenny and I have never really had much in common. He always hung on Tyson too much for my liking, but I've always admired him for his intelligence and determination, though I'm not really one for showing such feelings. Maybe I should. The kid's got a sense of humor like nothing I've ever experienced. When he and Dizzi team up against the rest of us there's no saving anything. They don't quit until we've all given up.

I wonder why we don't do that anymore? It's mainly due to that, actually, that I've ever felt welcome in the team. Both before and after Black Dranzer.

–

Okay, maybe things aren't so bad after all with Kenny and Max. At least not so bad that they can't be fixed. Getting things back the way they used to be would probably just take time and effort; I don't think we're that far away from each when it comes down to it.

What an unusually nice thought.

But all nice thoughts end here. The only ones left are Tyson and Rei and as much as I'd love to get things back with them I've practically given up hope. It's not all bad with Tyson, but Rei? I really don't know.

Tyson's the reason why today and yesterday were the worst days of my life. The reason why I messed up and lost my battles last night and that training today went so badly that everybody yelled at me, and Rei, Rei, laughed at me.

Go ahead and shoot me already.

I told you that Tyson and I had this thing going on. Nothing serious, just some comfort and some closeness to get rid of the empty feelings I know we all carry around with us. It's been going on for a while now and I must admit that I've grown used to having him around when I need him. I don't love him, I don't even like him all that much, I have no feelings that could indicate that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together. That was never the plan and luckily that was never the way it was. I guess I just expected him to be around till I didn't want him anymore.

I never expected that he would leave me for someone else, but that's just what he did. I can't even blame him.

Yesterday in the afternoon a couple of hours before we had to meet and prepare for our battles we were cuddling. It was all nice and well-known, but an abrupt end was put to it by Tyson saying, "I'm really going to miss this."

I didn't get it so he explained, "You know this is the last time we'll ever do anything like this, right?"

But I still didn't get it, I was so confused, what was he talking about? And where was all this coming from?  

He continued, "I like you, Kai, don't get me wrong, but I'm just not the type to cheat on the people I'm with, and now that I have Hillary…" He stopped there and looked at me, begging me to understand.

If he'd told me he wanted to quit beyblading for good it would've surprised me less.

But I did understand him. I was just thinking very slowly at the time and so it took me a while to comprehend what he'd actually said. I remembered him talking about this girl he was going to hook up with and I also remembered him talking about how he thought he was falling in love with her. But I never thought that it was going to affect us. I never thought that maybe he saw more in us than I did, that he couldn't be with both of us at the same time.

Am I being self-centered?

I think I blacked out right there in front of Tyson. Well, not really blacked out, because I was able to tell him that I was fine and that I had enjoyed our time together. I even wished him all the best, which proves entirely that I wasn't really myself. I don't talk that much or in that way and under no circumstances to Tyson.

The daze I was in wasn't broken by losing three battles in a row that night. I kept seeing Tyson looking relieved beyond any belief as he left my room and we both knew he was never coming back.

What did wake me up was Rei laughing at me earlier today at training almost as if he pitied me.

I don't know, I guess I deserve something for treating him the way I did, but the last thing I expected was his laughter and the obvious reasoning behind it.

Which leads us to today. And to training. Where Tyson of course had to bring her along.

She spent all day in the dojo. All day!

And no, it wasn't really that bad. She's a beautiful and very nice girl, a little too loud and annoying for my liking, but she's just right for Tyson. They are great for each other, so much in love you can tell just by looking at them, and I haven't seen that for a while. No, they aren't really my problem. Of course I'm… sorry that I don't have Tyson anymore, and getting his friendship back is going to take a while, but I'm sure we can make it happen in time. We were never that intimate in the first place. I'm okay with the situation, I just reacted the way I did when he told me because I wasn't prepared, that's all.

And I'm actually being honest here for once.

My real problem is that I wasn't the only one who wasn't completely disgusted by her. Nobody was, and Rei particularly wasn't.

Why this bothers me so much you'll have to ask someone else. I simply don't know the answer. If I don't care about him then there's no real reason to be bothered, but apparently somebody forgot to tell me that…

Anyway, Tyson and Rei are pretty close so I had expected Rei to already know her. He didn't. Maybe the two of them are drifting apart as well? Who knows?

Fact is that Rei did his very best to make a good impression on Hillary. He was nice, explained everything to her, joked with her, was very charming and all in all absolutely sweet. Tyson didn't mind because he had his moments with Hillary too. The three of them looked as if they'd been best friends forever.

I felt sick. Hillary and Tyson were stealing the attention of my best friend.

But they were so relaxed and comfortable with each other that it didn't take Max and Kenny long before they were in as well. I don't really know what I did, I might have been a bit withdrawn, but I'm sure it must have looked perfect for someone from the outside. Annoyingly happy friends having great fun with each other while training. Oh joy. For a few seconds at a time, though, I slipped out of the sickeningly pink candy floss and saw how unreal it actually was.

That's all there is left of us now. Something fake.

Sad, isn't it?

However, the most hurtful thing about today was Rei, surprisingly enough. Right up until I started playing him, which I in retrospective really shouldn't have done, we were close friends and he was what kept me from turning into the statue of ice that is slowly becoming me now that he's not here.

He hurt me more than he knows by being so nice and friendly to Hillary. I know he didn't mean anything by it, it's just his nature, but it still hurt because he wasn't friendly to me.

Also, when he laughed at me I could have died. I was so focused on watching him, without him noticing that I wasn't able to do anything right. The others were going crazy and Tyson even yelled a bit at me, but Rei just pretended I didn't exist. He ignored me fully. Now I know exactly what it feels like.

Or actually he didn't ignore me fully. In his desperation Kenny asked him to say something to make me focus and then Rei looked me straight in the eyes and laughed at me. Then he said, "Don't worry about it, Chief, Kai'll get over it, he's probably just falling for some girl himself." He laughed again and the others laughed with him. I might have smirked as usual, but my insides went numb with pain and disbelief.

How could he even think something like that? Some girl? Hallo Rei? I'm not falling for some girl!

–

I've realized what my problem is. I miss my best friend. I miss Rei. I miss having him around, I miss his stupid jokes, I miss it when he gets mad and starts seething at me, I miss it when he falls asleep on me in front of the TV and no force in the world can wake him up so that I have to carry him upstairs to bed, I miss it when he pouts oh so innocently making me want to do anything to make him smile again, I miss… I miss Rei, that's all there is to say to it.

It's ironic really. When he wanted me I didn't want him, I didn't need him, but now that I want my friend back, need my friend back, he doesn't want anything to do with me.

Welcome to my world.

Yours sincerely

Kai Hiwatari