A/N: A huge Thanks! to everybody who read and reviewed, I'm really honored that people take the time reading this and also that they seem to like it {smiles} This is a very crucial part of the diaries, and while I haven't been really graphical or anything I just thought you should know. And there's another thing. In a couple of hours I'll be on an airplane to Argentina which is halfway around the world for me. There are four diary entries left. They are mostly written, but I don't know what kind of Internet or what kind of time for that matter I'll have once I get there, so please bear with me if I'm not able to update as often as I have. That was one long note {smiles}

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

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Dear Diary – Bittersweet Memories

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Dear Diary,

It feels like something inside of me has died. My self-esteem, my self-respect, and all those other feelings that make me who I am and make me capable of loving myself. Everything is just gone and I have this huge hole instead that I don't know how I'd ever fill up again. I'm hollow, just a shadow of myself; if I were to go out while the winds were blowing up a storm they'd take me with them; I'm that empty.

Yes, I know things weren't this bad with Kai, but a lot has changed and I don't know which would I'd prefer right now, which would be better; to throw myself off a cliff or to personally throw him off a cliff.

Heartbroken? Partly.

Angry? Well, I guess.

Bittersweet? Absolutely!

It's a strange mix of emotions and I'm actually in very real physical pain as well, so life is just peachy.

I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be such a huge problem to revive all my dead emotions, but it would take superhuman effort on my behalf as I'd have to go see Kai about it. Superhuman because I've finally done it this time, I've driven him over the edge and I've acted like the biggest fool in the world. I don't think he'd even be interested in helping me out, as little as it would take, so I should probably get used to this strange feeling. The sooner the better.

–

I don't know if you remember, but last time I felt like this it also had to do with Kai and back then – I was really miserable – I told you that if he'd give me another offer I'd take it without second thoughts. Now, there have been plenty of offers since then, but they all came from me so it's not exactly the same. Back then I doubted if I'd really be stupid enough to let him use me again, but on the other hand I must have wanted it as I probably wouldn't have written it just for the sake of it. Still, I was pretty there wouldn't be another offer or that I'd just, I don't know, be able to make him go away or something. It's happened before that people have just magically disappeared, hasn't it?

Or maybe not. Though convincing myself of it was fairly easy. He's really gifted when it comes to screwing with peoples' heads, let me just tell you that, though he'll probably say that I'm the one with the talent.

But to cut a long story short he did give me an offer and I did take it.

Before you start to judge me, however, you have to listen to what I have to say because it's not what it sounds like, and it's not like I haven't learned my lesson from this. Trust me!

I slept with him.

I am now one Rei Kon who's lost his virginity. To one Kai Hiwatari.

–

I'm pretty sure I told him that all I wanted was one single night, what a liar I am, and he was fine with that. It's pretty sad if that's all he's been after all along, but I'm not gonna get into that, it's too disturbing. Being with him like that, though, was this dream of mine that I've had ever since he first kissed me, and now that it's come true I can stop chasing it. It's a memory I'll carry with me for the rest of my life; no matter how or where I end up I'll always remember him and love him in my own special way.

And yes, that got way sappy, but I mean it! He was my first, he could've been my everything and I'd love to make him my last, but before I drown in Barry White songs I'll just say that it won't be that way because I already had my dream come true.

In my current state, morning/afternoon after and still sore as Hell, I can't remember a lot from last night apart from Kai. And before you ask why I'm not breaking down if it was so recent then let me just tell you that I already did. Before we left. It wasn't pretty and I don't wanna talk about it. Period.

–

Somebody threw us a party last night because things have gotten so much better between all of us. Kai and I aren't included in that, of course, but it goes for everybody else. It was this whole new beginning and everybody was there; everything was just so great. Note the sarcasm. But hey, you can't have everything, right?

We all know how well it went the last time I was in touch with alcohol so I decided to let the others drink this time so that I could laugh at them when they couldn't find their way to the bathroom instead of the other way round.

And no, you won't like the answer, so please don't ask!

Anyway, the latest blow-up with Kai wasn't even a full week ago so instead of getting in his face immediately I started wandering the absolutely huge house they'd rented for the party. I know the Hiwatari mansion is gigantic, I've gotten lost there on several occasions, but this house, or should I say castle, was even bigger. Everything was king-size and Tyson was even ready to leave Hillary and marry the fridge instead, which didn't really surprise anybody.

I wonder how I got by without a map… But I guess that's not so important…

–

I ended up finding this really nice bedroom with this really abnormally huge bed. Call me a big girl, but it was like designed for a perfectly romantic first time of lovemaking, and because Max had managed to make me drink just a little bit I was sentimental as Hell. Throwing myself onto the bed I was ready to slip off to dreamland where I wasn't currently fighting with Kai and everything was just pink candy floss…

–

Okay, seriously, no more Mariah!

–

Before I could fall asleep I noticed that there were balcony doors leading out, and outside the full moon, the ocean, apparently we were on the coastline, and the thin, white curtains just added to the atmosphere and created a perfect setting. Almost ironically so as I was there all by myself. Even the moon was reflected in the surface of the water, and there I was all alone.

I don't know for how long I was out there, but suddenly I heard the door to the room being opened, closed and locked. Then I heard a voice, Kai's, calling my name quietly as if he didn't know if he was interfering with something or disturbing me in some sort of way.

As if he could ever do that.

I was hoarse when I answered him that I was out on the balcony, and a little later he walked through the curtains and joined me outside.

My breath was taken away the very moment I saw him. He was that beautiful, what can I say?

The moonlight was reflected in his hair and in his eyes, and I would have died for him right there and then over and over, but instead I looked at him, wondering why he was there.

He looked back at me intensely and said my name again. Then I had his arms around me and his lips on mine.

–

I was shocked at first, but my body automatically pushed me back against him, carefully, scared he might pull away. He didn't. He just held me closer and parted my lips with his tongue. Then I let myself go.

I had this urge to touch him everywhere, as if he would disappear if I let him go for only a moment. And I also had to know if he was really still wearing my headband; he hasn't returned it yet.

We stumbled inside and fell onto the bed. We started tearing each other's clothes off, and yes, there it was around his neck hidden by his scarf; my happiest moment ever.

It was different than the other times and yet it was also very well-known. The need to get skin on skin as well as the fighting and the caressing. It wasn't sweet love or romance per se and it wasn't exactly desperate and needy either, but it was sort of like we knew that this was the only chance we'd get.

That was probably my cue to telling him that I only wanted the one night, but I'm not sure because when I think back now it was all a mess of arms and legs entangled in sheets and skin rubbing against skin. Maybe the sweet drops of sweat and the deep moans of pleasure have altered my memory, who knows?

But I do remember one thing clearly.

He was unbelievably gentle and caring when he entered me. It hurt, yes, I'm still sitting really uncomfortably, but it was all a part of the pleasure, a part of the price I had to pay to make him mine. And he did everything so right!

It happened almost violently when it came to a much too soon end. I had his name on my lips and I also told him that I love him. Spur of the moment, I guess, but maybe I really have gone from just being in love with him to actually loving him. I'm absolutely sure that I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it.

He said it back.

But I might have dreamed that up as I felt drained and exhausted, physically and mentally and therefore I was asleep shortly after it was all said and done.

–

I woke up hours later to the sound of Kai's even breathing and the sound of the ocean. I had his arms around me and our legs were a mess with the sheets. I wanted to stay there, I felt safe, but I knew that it had only been for the night, so waking up together would just make things more complicated, and I didn't want that. I know that we can never go back to normal, but I wanted to ruin as little as possible, so I slipped out of his embrace, into my clothes and out of the room.

I found Max lying on the floor downstairs in the den and I lay down on the couch as if I'd slept there all night.

–

By now I still haven't talked to Kai, obviously. I don't know how, not after I made such a fool of myself and I'm not even sure if we're actually back on speaking terms anyway. Not that it'd matter much. 

I'd really like to know why things can't work out for me just this once? What did I do that was so terrible? I'd smack myself upside the head if I thought I'd do me any good!

And I haven't even thought about what this is gonna do to our team. It can't work out like this. We were once told by Kai's grandfather that the only thing that could ruin us for sure was if we started falling for each other, or screwing around with each other, I think were his exact words, and now I can see how right he was. He was an asshole, yes, but at least he knew what he was doing, which is more than I can say for myself.

I'm not going mad, not yet, but this isn't exactly what I'd imagined Kai and I ending up with. Bittersweet is really the right word to describe my memories. It was wonderful and I'd do it all again, but I have this bitter taste in my mouth as well because I'd hoped for something more. I'd hoped to know all the little things about him, little things only I'd know because I was his lover and the one he turned to, but by the looks of it it's not gonna happen.

I might as well forget it. I told him one night only, I got it, and it's all I'll ever get.

Life is unfair.

Yours truly

Rei Kon

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crowkeeper990

Thanks a lot for what you said in all your reviews, it really made me happy! I don't know if I deserve more review than I get. I can't judge my own work so I'd be hard for me to say, and on the other hand, while reviews do make me very happy – I still find it amazing that people actually bother to read much less review what I write – they're not the main reason why I write. I write because I like doing it, because I can't not write, if that makes any sense. Reviews encourage me, but I'd most likely be writing even without them. Hereby of course not saying "Don't review!" but just that as much as I like them, I don't desperately need them to continue; I write because I can't stop {smiles}