A/N: To everybody who reviewed: Thank you so much! And I'm really sorry this took me so long to get out. Buenos Aires and the Spanish language are kicking my ass to tell you the truth, and also editing this chapter was really impossible, it simply wouldn't turn out the way I wanted it. Hope it's okay though, tell me if I need to change anything!

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

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Dear Diary – I'm Not Giving You Up

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Dear Diary,

I think I may have made the mistake of my life. Overly dramatic or not.

They say there's only so much one can do and that there's a bottom line for how bad things can get, but I've realized that it's just not true. There's always something more one can do, always, just as well as things can always get worse. There is no bottom line, no miraculous turning point after which everything just gets better.

Trust me; I'd know. I thought I'd reached it.

But I didn't do what I had to do and things are getting worse while I'm watching because of it. If I'd had any idea that it would've ended like this I don't think I would've done it. On the other hand I probably would, I just would've done it differently. I never wanted to hurt him, I just wanted him to be happy, be my Rei-Rei like he's always been, and instead I've turned him into a zombie with this strange, bittersweet smile that doesn't suit him at all.

I could've sworn he wanted it too. That he enjoyed it. That it made him happy. I guess I've gotten really bad at reading him. And to think he was once like an open book to me, his thoughts written out in letter ten feet high. It worries me a great deal that I managed to push him away to this extent. He's my friend, my – dare I say it? – lover and it shouldn't have to be like this.

Of course, I wouldn't know exactly how he feels about it, but the way I see it and the only way I can interpret his actions is that it wasn't just sex. Tyson was just sex, even though we didn't have actual sex, and Rei's various flings were also just sex, though there was no way he had real sex with any of them. But what we did was different. More, I like to tell myself, but as time goes by and he keeps looking right through me I'm not so sure. Or maybe his despondency is really a sign telling me that it did mean something, but that he just doesn't know what to make of it.

I think that's the explanation I'll stick with. It's the less painful one. I'd like to say that I understand what he's doing and why he's doing it, holing himself up in his room and out on our back porch, but it'd be lying because I have no idea what's going on with him.

–

Now, if he was just treating me like this it'd be one thing, but as a matter of fact he's blocking out everybody else as well. Somebody who doesn't know him all that well probably wouldn't be able to tell, he's just distant after all, but there's also this almost harsh side to him now that I've never seen before. If I didn't know any better I'd say that he's turning into me, but that's just plain ridiculous.

Or maybe it isn't. We had an interview yesterday and he really excelled! It was such a disaster! He wasn't paying attention where he's usually very attentive and polite, and even the interviewer could tell that something was wrong. Max lied to cover him up and said that he was a little under the weather and then Tyson offered to take him to his room so we could get things over with, but no no. Mr. Rei Kon had other plans. Instead of just leaving he got up and hissed at Tyson that he should leave him the Hell alone and go back to fucking around with me if he was really so desperate to fuck around with somebody. He was sure I'd love to, it was after all what I did…

Shock!

Firstly, I have never heard Rei talk like that. Never! Secondly, I had no idea he even knew about me and Tyson. Maybe that's the reason why he's acting the way he is, he thinks he's just been used and now I'm gonna throw him away. I'd see why he concluded that. I'm not with Tyson anymore. And thirdly, did he absolutely have to say it in front of a reporter from the New York Times?

No, I shouldn't blame him, but for crying out loud, a lot of my money will be spent on keeping that woman silent.

The things I do for him… Now, that's ridiculous!

–

I don't know. Maybe I should just write you the entire story and then come up with a solution.

As I said, we slept together, had sex, made love, I'm not so sure anymore which one it was though I'd greatly prefer the latter.

Because things have been working out so well lately Mr. Dickinson decided to have a party for us. And oh yes, my party experiences are so great, but what was I to do? Say no?

As if!

So, we had this huge rented house, more alcohol than anyone could ever hope to drink and more people than I could ever hope to count. Truth be told I wasn't exactly up for partying. After Rei blew up in my face and I started wearing that headband of his I haven't been the same person, but nobody was paying attention to that so I went and secretly hoped I could get Rei drunk enough to at least talk to me.

A noble motive? Absolutely not, but I was running out of ideas for things to do.

Unfortunately this idea didn't work out either as Rei disappeared as soon as we got there without really consuming any alcohol.

Too bad. I'd just have to find him and make him listen to me anyway. And take whatever he'd choose to throw at me this time. That was my intention, but yeah, you've guessed it, it's not what happened.

–

I already told you that the house was huge, and because of that I spent an eternity searching one room after another for Rei. On some of the stairs he had suddenly vanished and I had panicked totally thinking he had seen me and run away, because he didn't want to talk to me.

Let me put it like this, it's wasn't really the case, but I didn't know that then so when I entered the next bedroom I found I locked the door and headed for the bed. I could at least sleep I figured. I had given up on looking for him altogether, if he absolutely didn't want to be found then who was I to find him?

That's when I noticed the shadow outside the open balcony doors.

I knew it could only be Rei so I called out his name, my voice breaking for some stupid reason.

Seconds later he answered that he was out there as if he'd known I would come.

–

I was happy for the first time that night. I had finally found him and now we could sort the mess out and become friends, or whatever it is we're calling ourselves, again.

Honestly, that was what I wanted, but when I stepped out on that balcony it all just overwhelmed me; him, the moonlight, the ocean, the atmosphere, the moment, and mostly this feeling of finally being near him again. I didn't realize I'd missed him so much and there he was. Mine for the taking.

–

Had it not been such an extraordinary moment I might have been mocking my choice of words, I sound like something from a Barbra Cartland novel, sentimental enough to make even myself sick, but sometimes even reality calls for sentimentality.

–

He looked sort of lonely and sad, my Rei-Rei, but also stunningly beautiful.

Even if I can't read him anymore he sure can read me; look right through me into my very core. The little speech I'd been preparing was gone; my mind was empty so I just hugged him hoping that it would explain everything.

And in some way it did. He must have accepted the apology I wanted to give because suddenly I had his lips all over mine and his body pressed against me. In that second I found out that what I wanted from him wasn't his friendship, not anymore, but just him and nothing else.

–

Somehow we made it back inside, and somehow we got each other out of our clothes and into bed. He seemed pleasantly surprised when he had to untie his headband from around my neck and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy every second of it.

Just like I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy every second of everything else we did.

I don't know what I expected from him, but his strength surprised me. I actually think he's stronger than I am, but he was so soft and giving that it was hard not just to ravish him. I will never in my life forget the way his face looked when I moved down over him, tasting his skin for every inch or two I passed.

He clung to me like he was afraid of letting go, and everything else about him as well indicated that I should go slow as to avoid breaking him or scarring him. There was something he was almost franticly trying to say, but I didn't want to hear it in case he'd tell me to stop, so I kept kissing it from his lips and eventually it seems he forgot

Maybe I should have let him talk; if that's the reason why he's acting the way he is now.

–

I think I was able to keep my promise of being gentle and slow and not rape him or hurt him in any way. If he doesn't think well of me for anything else, please let him remember this as the one good thing I did.

And it was worth it all!

I think he has a natural talent for everything; he instinctively knew what to do and when to do it. I don't think I've ever had the pleasure of meeting anyone quite like him. I couldn't have made myself let go; I would've let him become my addiction easily. And to know that I was the one pleasing him, that I was the reason for his delight was simply mind-blowing.

But the reason why the world could've ended and I wouldn't have cared was that he told me he loved me.

I guess I always knew we had potential to end up like that, but that he believed we were already there was making me see stars and how could I not return the sentiment? I had to, and I did.

–

I'm sure our souls connected in that moment, and when I bent forward to kiss him he was already asleep. I soon followed him knowing that everything would be as it should in the morning.

–

When I woke up I was hugging his pillow.

He was gone and his bedside was cold; he'd been gone for quite some time.

I got up worried and went to search for him. It didn't take me long to find him. He was asleep in the den, on the couch next to Max who was on the floor. I wanted to wake him up, kiss him, and carry him back upstairs, but before I even got to touch him Max opened his eyes, the only time I've really seen them sad, and just shook his head before he went back to sleep.

I was confused, but before I could react Hillary came in to wake them up and Rei didn't even look at me.

That was destroying.

But I'm not done battling yet, that's one thing I know for sure. I'm not giving him up now that I finally know what having him is like!

Yours sincerely

Kai Hiwatari