A/N: I don't really have much to say about this part except that I didn't like writing it as much as I liked some of the others. Though, this is the way it has to be and considering that I guess it's pretty decent {smiles} Other than that thanks to all the incredible people who read and reviewed, you make me smile in the best of ways!

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

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Dear Diary – Light At The End Of The Tunnel

–

Dear Diary,

I don't know where to start.

Every time I thought I finally had things figured out something unexpected happened and I turned out to be proved wrong. And my way of handling unexpected situations is to act even more irrationally than I did to begin with, I've discovered, and at some point I can't help thinking what's the use?

Even when I have the best intentions I'm misunderstood and I don't even know why I bother to keep trying. I've done all I can, there is no more.

It sounds suspiciously like giving up, I'm aware of that, but don't they say that a wise person picks his battles carefully and only takes on the ones he knows he can win? Or what about knowing when to deal and when to fight? It's not wrong of me to stop struggling if there's nothing more to fight for.

Right?

I just re-read some of my entry from last time. Bittersweet must have been a really nice emotion, but it's all gone now. Replaced by anger at first and now by disgust and to some extent shame as well.

The end of my bittersweet period, as I've started calling it, was an interview we did a couple of days ago with a reporter from a newspaper; I don't remember which. The questions she asked triggered something in me as they were all about how we were doing and how well we got along with each other.

The others told her that it'd been a rough ride for all of us, but that there was light at the end of the tunnel, things were looking up and it just struck me as being incredibly wrong. Of course they didn't lie; we do get along much better than earlier, but for me there was no grain of truth in stating that future prospect were brighter. Kai and I spent one night together and since then I haven't as much as existed in his world. In my book that's not something that indicates anything good, if you know what I mean.

The thing is, though, I can't explain why it made me so furious. It should've made me sad, it would've been understandable even from my point of view, but when Tyson wanted to take me back to my room I exploded and told him to fuck with someone else, Kai maybe, they made such a great couple and he'd probably be willing too, because I really wasn't in the mood for it.

Then I stomped off.

I am so one for making the right and rational decisions…

–

I was mad for I don't know how long. The anger stole my sense of time.

I took off with Driger and eventually he calmed me down. That brought on dread and worry when I realized what I'd said and how I may have hurt the team beyond repair.

And that in front of a reporter.

I guess that's as good as it gets.

–

Now I'm just disgusted by myself for being so demanding and childish. I had no right to do what I did, just like I have no right to expect that Kai would care or even forgive me for it. Not after what I did and especially not after he was the one yelling at me yesterday and for once not the other way round.

And yes, you heard that right. Mr. Iceman went out of his way just to yell at me. He must really dislike me if he's ready to break his usual habit of ignoring everything around him that he doesn't like just to insult me. But I guess even he has a breaking point and considering my ability to bring out the very best in people and the fact that yesterday was another day straight from Hell for all of us it's probably even understandable that he started shouting.

I walked into our living room and the atmosphere was tense enough to cut with a knife. I don't know what they'd been discussing as I walked in, but there was something very unpleasant in the air and I had a feeling that it had something to do with me as all conversation died when I entered.

They were all there and Max looked up as soon as he noticed me as if he expected me to be able to fix their problem.

Immediately I felt like leaving. I don't like group discussions and Kai was there as well looking deadly and ready to hurt somebody. Honestly, I'd rather not it be me as I'm in enough pain caused by him as it is. My reasoning was that if he wasn't gonna disappear, which he obviously wasn't, I thought I'd save him the trouble and just get lost myself. But before I could turn around and leave Max started talking and thereby revealing what the whole fuss had been about. The one thing I surely didn't want to talk about, think about, or discuss with anybody; not even them and especially not Kai.

Yes, that dreadful morning after where I'd walked downstairs and fallen asleep in the den next to Max. I didn't think he'd been awake to notice me, and apparently I really don't give him enough credit as I never expected him to actually be able to figure out what had been going on and why I was sneaking around early in the morning.

But yet he had figured it out, and probably shared his info with Tyson, Hillary, and Kenny so that they'd been able to piece it all together and figure out what'd been going on with Kai and me the past weeks.

I'd usually name them my friends, but I was ready to kill them all right there and then.

They were in no place to interfere with something as personal as what I'd done and not done with Kai, and I was going to tell them for sure!

Which I did.

And then Kai suddenly had a lot to say as well and we ended up fighting right there in front of everybody else.

I called him all sorts of evil things and he shot right back, calling me mentally unstable and extremely easy because of the way I'd been around all those other guys before. I returned the favor with the usual icicle remark and that I at least had feelings I didn't have to hide because of some screwed up code of morality, to which he replied that I wouldn't know morality and the difference between right and wrong even if it came and hit me right in the face.

And so on and so forth. It was extremely exhausting because I really didn't want to be fighting with him, but on the other hand it was more satisfying than I'd expected and hoped for. To finally clear the air between us and tell him that even if I hadn't done everything perfectly right I wasn't the only one who'd made mistakes either. Just let it all out and let it settle so we could figure something out afterwards.

Have you figured out by now what always happens when I hope or think that things will be able to work themselves out?

No? Cause I really sense a pattern here.

It always gets worse! Much worse!

And this time he just left. Told me I'd been a waste of his time and sanity. Wished me a nice life. He'd make sure not to get in my way anymore.

–

I left as well. I couldn't stand them pitying me for having lost him like that and I felt so ashamed that I'd said all those things to him. That he doesn't have any feelings. And I'm the one who knows how untrue that is. I'm the one who knows that his emotions are that much stronger and more meaningful because he carefully tries to keep them to himself and those who matter to him.

I don't know what might have possessed me to say what I did, but I guess I just wanted to hurt him. To actually hear him say that he thought I was easy was like being shot full of arrows; hurtful and perforating, because hadn't I just given him the essence of my very being in one single night? Did he not know that I never would've done that with anybody else?

He must really be the idiot I kept accusing him of being, if that's the case.

And I know he's not. He can't be. For all I know he still has my headband, and yes it would be overanalyzing, but I'd like to think that it actually means something to him; that it matters in some way. Reminds him of me.

I'd also really wish I had something from him. Something to prove that I belong to him just as he belongs to me. But it be a far shot to hope for anything like that as we haven't even been in the same room since our fight. It's not because I don't want to be near him or talk to him, it's because I can't stand looking at him and knowing he's right there outside of my reach. I can't stand having him not care, having him think of other things than me, of other things that he finds more important when really I should be the one he devoted himself to.

I sound like a jealous and rejected lover.

For the first time in my life that's actually what I am. I can't pull out optimism now and say that everything will be alright, because if it hasn't changed till now then what are the odds that it's going to anytime soon?

They're minimal. It won't happen.

–

Oh, hold on, somebody's knocking on my door. I better go open up, I need to make some excuses to everybody that isn't Kai, and honestly, how likely would it be that he's the one knocking? The guy does not know the meaning of the word, I swear! I can't even count the number of times he's just barged in and seen something he wasn't supposed to see.

And that's sort of sweet, I'm actually smiling now.

I'll be right back.

–

Three hours have passed now since I wrote that I would be right back.

It's also started raining.

The little shed we have in the garden makes it look like it's raining blood because it's all red.

I don't think I'd like it very much if it started raining blood.

But I wouldn't mind letting God use my blood for it.

It's not like I have any use of it myself anymore.

It's just something my heart, this empty muscle that I also have in the left side of my chest, pumps around and around.

Not a very valuable or glorious purpose.

–

Kai brought my headband back.

–

It's red too.

–

And there's blood too when people die.

When people kill themselves.

In the rain.

Of blood.

–

I've often wondered if everything wouldn't be much easier and much better for everybody else if I wasn't around.

Till now I haven't dared finish that thought.

Yet, I just did.

Is that a bad sign?

–

Do you think God would like my heart better than Kai did?

I'd even let him use my blood as rain if he wanted to. I don't need it anymore. After all there is no heart to pump it around and keep me alive.

–

My heart.

It's not worth anything. It's been shattered into a million pieces.

Used and broken.

And returned to me, red as blood, just like my headband, which I'm sure has been drenched in it.

If it wasn't so disgusting I'd take it back.

But it's all filthy and I can't make myself touch it.

I don't know what to do.

–

There is only one thing to do.

Find the light at the end of the tunnel.

It's been a pleasure, Diary, but this is where it ends.

–

Here I come.

Yours truly

Rei Kon

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Angelgirl10

I should have thanked you in my last post, but because getting on-line is quite a task when I don't have internet at home I hope it's okay that I write you a reply now. You're most likely right when you say there there are some things that don't make complete sense or that I've left something out, but right now my goal for this ficcie is to just get it finished, and then when I get back home and get a little more time on my hands I'm gonna go through it all once again and see what I can make better. You've in no way hurt my feelings or made me feel bad, on the contrary, I'm glad you're honest enough to tell me the truth so that I can improve my writing! Thank you ver much! Both for your kind words and for you advise!