Title: Dos Equis
Rating: R
Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I am not making any money off this so don't sue me. Also, I would like to thank Mr. James Fulmair, A friend of mine, her mother, and myself.
Dos Equis!
Harry was baffled. The stupid rope he was trying to learn to magically knot kept turning into a bow. This was extremely frustrating. He didn't know how to tie a knot manually either. The Dursleys had taken many camping trips. Unfortunately, Harry was not invited. The Dursley's avoided taking him anywhere if they didn't have to, and Harry certainly didn't complain.
In retrospect, he now saw he probably should have pushed a little harder to be included. During class choosing for their sixth year, Harry, Ron, and Hermione came across a fairly new class called "Wilderness Perpetuation". It was taught by Harry's good friend, Firenze, whom everyone had become aquainted with in the previous year. With professor Trelawney again teaching divination, and being himself unable to go back to the forest, Firenze requested he become a permanent teacher. Knowing that Perpetuation is another word for Continuity, and because Firenze is a bit trippy, they figured it was a tree-hugging class that taught one how to preserve the environment for future generations and all that jazz. Ron, who happened to be in desperate need of easy classes he could pass, convinced half of Gryffindor to sign up.
Ron was probably regretting that now. The class had turned out to be about wilderness survival. That meant the students went camping in the forbidden forest. Ron hid his shame well and tried to carry on a conversation. But no one could understand much of Ron's speech since classes began due to his continual sobbing and gnashing of his teeth.
Stooping on the soggy ground in three layers of clothing and magically heated socks, Harry sighed miserably and put his wand away letting the rope flop onto the grass. He gazed out into the dense forest surrounding their clearing and surveyed his classmates. 20 gryffindors, 5 ravenclaws, and 7 hufflepuffs. Thankfully, none of the Slytherin decided to sign up.
Every single other student looked just as miserable as Harry. Hagrid, who was asked to accompany the students since Firenze couldn't, was trying really hard to start a fire the muggle way. Or what he thought was the muggle way. Harry didn't have the heart to tell him it was impossible. He was probably the warmest person there because of all the physical activity. There was actually sweat forming itself on his brow.
Hagrid, fed up with the fire, threw down his sticks and mumbled that he was going to find food.
"Hagrid! find something good!" Hermione joked. Hagrid mumbled something about forcing her to eat trees. and stomped off.
Ginny, who was nearby twirling around a tree singing "la la la la..." with no discernible tune suddenly went "trees are delicious!" and climbed into the tree singing "I'm a giraffe! I'm a giraffe! Trees are delicious!"
"Bing!" said Colin Creevey
Harry trailed over to Ron who was huddled in a fetal position. Harry kicked Ron. Ron fell over sideways with his arms over his head. He began screaming "Ducks, Ducks, everywhere, and not a drop to drink!".
Harry wandered over to where Hermione was trying to set up her tent. Hermione screamed in frustration and pointed dramatically at the tent. "HAHA YOU'VE BEEN BROUGHT DOWN BY THE CURSE! THE PLAGUE OF THE KEYBOARD!"
"What the hell is a keyboard? BING!" said George Weasley.
"Fuck!" said Fred Weasley.
"What is fuck?" inquired Colin. "I wanna say it.... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-"
"Bing! What the bloody 'ell are you goin' on 'bout Colin?" Hagrid boomed as he returned to the campsite with a humongous sack filled with something.
"What's that Hagrid?" Lavender puzzled.
"They're 'eads." Hagrid said.
"mmmmmm.... huuuumans...." Parvati taunted.
"Bing!" Lavender screamed and ran away, her hands flailing about in the air.
"Hagrid rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. "Not HUMAN 'eads, you idiot. CABBAGE 'eads."
"Cabbage?" Hermione gave a disgusting face.
"yea... I thought we could cut them up and make them into 'cabbage patties' and fry them...." Hagrid shrugged.
"Are you mad? that will never work." Hermione raised an eyebrow.
Hagrid looked at her condescendingly, and turned to the wet logs and made a fire with his magical pink umbrella. He went to work creating his cabbage patties.
Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed exasperatedly and started pacing back and forth muttering about S.P.E.W. and how it isn't spew. Harry sat down on a mossy rock and stared at a slug moving laboriously threw the grass.
20 minutes later, Thick smoke was enveloping everything and everyone within a 3 mile radius. The kids were dropping like flies. Hagrid began evacuating the area, pulling the kids out of the forbidden forest 4 or 5 at a time. When everyone was safe, they began walking up to the castle.
"That really worked." Hermione said sarcastically rolling her eyes.
"Look, 'ermione, the cabbage patties worked in theory, ok?" Hagrid yelled at her.
"Bing! Ok, ok, Hagrid. Don't get your panties in a twist." Hermione muttered.
Hagrid rolled his eyes. All the sudden Hagrid spotted a very small, squattish figure running towards them. "What's tha'?" Hagrid squinted into the sunset. The entire group turned and squinted where Hagrid was squinting. Two whole minutes passed and Harry started and exclaimed "Dobby!"
"oooooooh...." came a collective sound, and everyone turned back around and headed for the castle. Harry started walking toward Dobby. When he got close enough he realized something was amiss....
"Dos Equis!" Dobby cried.
"Bing! Dobby.... what are those things hanging out of your ears?" Harry squinted and looked at Dobby's ears.
"I don't know! I found them!" Dobby said. "It didn't look like anyone was using them."
"DOBBY!" came a scream from the castle. Hermione was stomping at them.
"Yes?" Dobby asked wide-eyed.
"You stole my tampons! And evidently put them in your ears! That's not what they're for...." Hermione huffed.
Dobby nodded at Hermione and turned back to Harry. "Dobby wanted to tell Mr. Harry Potter that Winky is acting strange...."
"How is strange?" Harry asked.
"Mr. Harry Potter must come see for himself." Dobby squeaked and grabbed Harry's hand, pulling him towards the castle. Harry looked back at Hermione and shrugged. Hermione followed grudgingly.
Dobby pulled them all the way up to the castle, and into the Great Hall, where it looks as though there was a great commotion at the Hufflrpuff table. Harry pushed through the crowd and saw (none other) then Winky. She was on the table dancing and taking off her clothes. "Dobby, What happened?" Harry asked, horrified at the sight in front of him.
"Bing! Winky's had a few too many, sir, but not enough to pass out." Dobby said.
Harry sighed and fell to his knees. "I GIVE UP!" He shouted to the ceiling, "When will the madness end?" Harry hung his head. Everything had become very quiet and everyone was staring at him. Winky was in the middle of taking off her skirt when she flopped over sideways, asleep, and began snoring.
Professor McGonagall came into the hallway holding a shotgun. "OK students, go to class." Everyone filed out of the Great Hall. Harry and Ron and Hermione happened to have potions. What luck. The students heard a loud BANG as they left the Great Hall.
They arrived right before class started. Just as Harry took his seat next to Ron, he had a strange feeling inside his stomach. Ron looked at him funny. Harry looked around. Professor Snape had not yet arrived. Harry got up and began walking out of the room when Snape walked in and spotted him. "Where do you think you're going Mr. Potter? Off to break another school rule, like your father? I hated your father you know? He was such an insolent prick...."
"Hate to interrupt your semi-sane mumbling professor, but may I use the lavatory?" Harry asked.
"No. Take your seat!" He shouted at him.
"Please?" Harry asked.
"If you don't sit down I will take 3,000 points from gryffindor." Snape boomed.
"Why 3,000?" Hermione squawked indignantly.
"Because I'm a biased little bastard that wears women's underwear." Snape said.
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Harry yelled, "I HAVE DIAHRREA! I HAVE TO USE THE RESTROOM EVERY FOUR MINUTES!"
Snape looked slightly taken aback as Harry raced past him and out of the room. "Bing! Well, turn to page 346 of your potion book and begin."
All the sudden Neville fell down in epileptic seizures.
Hermione looked at him, shrugged her shoulders and said "Bing!" Then the entire dungeon laughed and laughed.
Rating: R
Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I am not making any money off this so don't sue me. Also, I would like to thank Mr. James Fulmair, A friend of mine, her mother, and myself.
Dos Equis!
Harry was baffled. The stupid rope he was trying to learn to magically knot kept turning into a bow. This was extremely frustrating. He didn't know how to tie a knot manually either. The Dursleys had taken many camping trips. Unfortunately, Harry was not invited. The Dursley's avoided taking him anywhere if they didn't have to, and Harry certainly didn't complain.
In retrospect, he now saw he probably should have pushed a little harder to be included. During class choosing for their sixth year, Harry, Ron, and Hermione came across a fairly new class called "Wilderness Perpetuation". It was taught by Harry's good friend, Firenze, whom everyone had become aquainted with in the previous year. With professor Trelawney again teaching divination, and being himself unable to go back to the forest, Firenze requested he become a permanent teacher. Knowing that Perpetuation is another word for Continuity, and because Firenze is a bit trippy, they figured it was a tree-hugging class that taught one how to preserve the environment for future generations and all that jazz. Ron, who happened to be in desperate need of easy classes he could pass, convinced half of Gryffindor to sign up.
Ron was probably regretting that now. The class had turned out to be about wilderness survival. That meant the students went camping in the forbidden forest. Ron hid his shame well and tried to carry on a conversation. But no one could understand much of Ron's speech since classes began due to his continual sobbing and gnashing of his teeth.
Stooping on the soggy ground in three layers of clothing and magically heated socks, Harry sighed miserably and put his wand away letting the rope flop onto the grass. He gazed out into the dense forest surrounding their clearing and surveyed his classmates. 20 gryffindors, 5 ravenclaws, and 7 hufflepuffs. Thankfully, none of the Slytherin decided to sign up.
Every single other student looked just as miserable as Harry. Hagrid, who was asked to accompany the students since Firenze couldn't, was trying really hard to start a fire the muggle way. Or what he thought was the muggle way. Harry didn't have the heart to tell him it was impossible. He was probably the warmest person there because of all the physical activity. There was actually sweat forming itself on his brow.
Hagrid, fed up with the fire, threw down his sticks and mumbled that he was going to find food.
"Hagrid! find something good!" Hermione joked. Hagrid mumbled something about forcing her to eat trees. and stomped off.
Ginny, who was nearby twirling around a tree singing "la la la la..." with no discernible tune suddenly went "trees are delicious!" and climbed into the tree singing "I'm a giraffe! I'm a giraffe! Trees are delicious!"
"Bing!" said Colin Creevey
Harry trailed over to Ron who was huddled in a fetal position. Harry kicked Ron. Ron fell over sideways with his arms over his head. He began screaming "Ducks, Ducks, everywhere, and not a drop to drink!".
Harry wandered over to where Hermione was trying to set up her tent. Hermione screamed in frustration and pointed dramatically at the tent. "HAHA YOU'VE BEEN BROUGHT DOWN BY THE CURSE! THE PLAGUE OF THE KEYBOARD!"
"What the hell is a keyboard? BING!" said George Weasley.
"Fuck!" said Fred Weasley.
"What is fuck?" inquired Colin. "I wanna say it.... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-"
"Bing! What the bloody 'ell are you goin' on 'bout Colin?" Hagrid boomed as he returned to the campsite with a humongous sack filled with something.
"What's that Hagrid?" Lavender puzzled.
"They're 'eads." Hagrid said.
"mmmmmm.... huuuumans...." Parvati taunted.
"Bing!" Lavender screamed and ran away, her hands flailing about in the air.
"Hagrid rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. "Not HUMAN 'eads, you idiot. CABBAGE 'eads."
"Cabbage?" Hermione gave a disgusting face.
"yea... I thought we could cut them up and make them into 'cabbage patties' and fry them...." Hagrid shrugged.
"Are you mad? that will never work." Hermione raised an eyebrow.
Hagrid looked at her condescendingly, and turned to the wet logs and made a fire with his magical pink umbrella. He went to work creating his cabbage patties.
Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed exasperatedly and started pacing back and forth muttering about S.P.E.W. and how it isn't spew. Harry sat down on a mossy rock and stared at a slug moving laboriously threw the grass.
20 minutes later, Thick smoke was enveloping everything and everyone within a 3 mile radius. The kids were dropping like flies. Hagrid began evacuating the area, pulling the kids out of the forbidden forest 4 or 5 at a time. When everyone was safe, they began walking up to the castle.
"That really worked." Hermione said sarcastically rolling her eyes.
"Look, 'ermione, the cabbage patties worked in theory, ok?" Hagrid yelled at her.
"Bing! Ok, ok, Hagrid. Don't get your panties in a twist." Hermione muttered.
Hagrid rolled his eyes. All the sudden Hagrid spotted a very small, squattish figure running towards them. "What's tha'?" Hagrid squinted into the sunset. The entire group turned and squinted where Hagrid was squinting. Two whole minutes passed and Harry started and exclaimed "Dobby!"
"oooooooh...." came a collective sound, and everyone turned back around and headed for the castle. Harry started walking toward Dobby. When he got close enough he realized something was amiss....
"Dos Equis!" Dobby cried.
"Bing! Dobby.... what are those things hanging out of your ears?" Harry squinted and looked at Dobby's ears.
"I don't know! I found them!" Dobby said. "It didn't look like anyone was using them."
"DOBBY!" came a scream from the castle. Hermione was stomping at them.
"Yes?" Dobby asked wide-eyed.
"You stole my tampons! And evidently put them in your ears! That's not what they're for...." Hermione huffed.
Dobby nodded at Hermione and turned back to Harry. "Dobby wanted to tell Mr. Harry Potter that Winky is acting strange...."
"How is strange?" Harry asked.
"Mr. Harry Potter must come see for himself." Dobby squeaked and grabbed Harry's hand, pulling him towards the castle. Harry looked back at Hermione and shrugged. Hermione followed grudgingly.
Dobby pulled them all the way up to the castle, and into the Great Hall, where it looks as though there was a great commotion at the Hufflrpuff table. Harry pushed through the crowd and saw (none other) then Winky. She was on the table dancing and taking off her clothes. "Dobby, What happened?" Harry asked, horrified at the sight in front of him.
"Bing! Winky's had a few too many, sir, but not enough to pass out." Dobby said.
Harry sighed and fell to his knees. "I GIVE UP!" He shouted to the ceiling, "When will the madness end?" Harry hung his head. Everything had become very quiet and everyone was staring at him. Winky was in the middle of taking off her skirt when she flopped over sideways, asleep, and began snoring.
Professor McGonagall came into the hallway holding a shotgun. "OK students, go to class." Everyone filed out of the Great Hall. Harry and Ron and Hermione happened to have potions. What luck. The students heard a loud BANG as they left the Great Hall.
They arrived right before class started. Just as Harry took his seat next to Ron, he had a strange feeling inside his stomach. Ron looked at him funny. Harry looked around. Professor Snape had not yet arrived. Harry got up and began walking out of the room when Snape walked in and spotted him. "Where do you think you're going Mr. Potter? Off to break another school rule, like your father? I hated your father you know? He was such an insolent prick...."
"Hate to interrupt your semi-sane mumbling professor, but may I use the lavatory?" Harry asked.
"No. Take your seat!" He shouted at him.
"Please?" Harry asked.
"If you don't sit down I will take 3,000 points from gryffindor." Snape boomed.
"Why 3,000?" Hermione squawked indignantly.
"Because I'm a biased little bastard that wears women's underwear." Snape said.
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Harry yelled, "I HAVE DIAHRREA! I HAVE TO USE THE RESTROOM EVERY FOUR MINUTES!"
Snape looked slightly taken aback as Harry raced past him and out of the room. "Bing! Well, turn to page 346 of your potion book and begin."
All the sudden Neville fell down in epileptic seizures.
Hermione looked at him, shrugged her shoulders and said "Bing!" Then the entire dungeon laughed and laughed.