Author's Notes: This is the fifth chapter of the Ichiban series. Tomoyo's
chapter that will leave some things unanswered that will be answered on the
next chapter. This is maybe just an introduction. Tomoyo is a character
that everyone is intrigued by I guess. She is open, yet obscure at the same
time. I hope this small but "long" intro will be all right. Like Meiling, I
think Tomoyo has a lot of feelings that has yet to be discovered. I hope
you enjoy. Whomever is reading this.
--------------
Tomoyo and the Beautiful Blue Sky
ICHIBAN
If anyone ever told me that I would end up here, at this very moment, at this very place, I would never have believed it. When I was a child I only had specific dreams. Dreams that I listed in an order that I knew I could achieve. I even stored it in my jewelry box, kept it locked with everything that was important to me. My diary, old concert tickets from when Grandfather and I went to see the Nutcracker back in sixth grade, and the eraser that Sakura-chan gave me long ago. That was my most treasured thing. I never used it and hardly ever picked it up to hold it. It's pink color was still so vibrant that the company's name written in black on top of the eraser was still clear. These were my treasures. I never could let them go. But that's one thing about some treasures. If you kept it locked up like that, it would never be able to show its true beauty. I don't really know how to describe it but I knew that keeping things locked up, keeping my list of dreams hidden was too much for me. I achieved almost all of them. Except for one. One dream that would never come true. It was a dream I had since I met Sakura-chan on that first day of school in the fourth grade. Ah, but those are just memories now. I lived in memories for too long. And it isn't right for me to do that. For I have a new list now and I want the last one of my dreams to come true. I am determined for that.
Looking up at the sky from my view, I just came to realize how blue it really is. What a perfect and beautiful day. It was so blue that it was like the color of the Pacific Ocean. Like the exact same colors of the sky during those times when Mother and I used to go to the onsen in Hokkaido. Whenever we were there I would escape from my body guards that always kept an eye on me and Mother's watchful eyes. My mother was very protective of me. Though she was always kept busy with the everyday business of the toy company, those little vacations we took were always her small highlights. Whenever she got a chance, she would buy me a new dress or would help me with a new hairstyle, she would say that I was as beautiful as her Nadeshiko, that I should never cut my hair so it'll look like Nadeshiko's. Her eyes turned to happiness everytime she said Sakura-chan's mother's name. I learned to live with it because I knew it made my mother happy. Amazing how just the color of the sky can make you remember such things.
I wonder if Sakura-chan is looking at the same blue sky at this very moment. I can see her smiling face, her always gleaming green eyes. Just thinking about it made my heartache just a little bit. Not because it's broken or anything of that sort but because I already knew and accepted that I would not be able to see that everyday. Her happy face, that beautiful smile and her never ending happy aura. To see that was life for me back then.
It's different now though. That part of me is over. That dream, that yearning, that longing, that small piece of happiness. My heart beat for something else entirely. I looked at my list of dreams, smiling, taking a deep breath. "This is it Tomoyo, ready or not." I repeated that to myself. This was my next step. I was ready.
-----------------
"I have a friend." Hiiragizawa-kun laid his hand on my shoulder, looking at me with his always kind eyes. He shocked me a little. I wasn't expecting someone to approach me or even notice me at the cafe. He sat down on the chair across from me and without asking, took a sip of my tea, taking a cookie. "Sorry. I hope you don't mind," he said with a smile, placing the teacup back on its saucer.
I returned his smile. "How can I mind if you drank out of it before I even had a chance to drink it or say no. How was it? Good? Bitter?"
"It's very good Daidouji-san. What is it? Rasberry and Peach Tea?" He asked, flashing another smile. "Anyway," he continued, not waiting for my answer. "You would have really said no? To me? I'm sorry. I'll buy you another cup."
I giggled. "How can you be so polite, yet be so..." I couldn't find the words. Silly? Crazy? But those were the words that you wouldn't find me uttering in front of Hiiragizawa-kun. "Hiiragizawa-kun, I would think by now that you would know when I'm kidding and when I'm not. Of course I don't mind. Not at all. And you're right. It is Rasberry and Peach tea."
"What an interesting combination," he observed.
"It is," I said. "You can have any combination of tea you want in this place. That's why I took a liking to it. You can order green tea with mint tea if you want."
"Or maybe lemon tea with old english tea?" He asked slyly. "Or how about white tea with oolong tea?"
I laughed and shook my head. "You're so... you're so..."
He took his glasses off and leaned over the table waiting for me to finish my sentence. "What am I Daidouji-san?"
I wiped the corners of my mouth with a napkin. "Ah, nevermind." I said. I closed the book I was reading. He was still leaning over the table but he put his glasses back on. "You didn't finish your sentence, you know."
"You didn't either," he said.
I sighed. "Really, Hiiragizawa-kun. What is it? Why are you here? What's this about your friend?"
"All right," he said, leaning back on the chair. He didn't speak for awhile but just kept his eyes on me. He adjusted his glasses then leaned in again, giving me another of his many many smiles. "I have this friend who wants to meet you." He said this slowly, as if he would hurt me if he said it any other way.
My heart started to beat faster when he uttered that last sentence. Back then I couldn't explain as to why I started to get nervous. I wanted to disappear. But maybe I was contradicting myself. Maybe I knew. I just didn't want to face it. There was probably a sign of shock in my face for Hiiragizawa-kun apologized and looked away from me, letting himself look around other tables of the outdoor cafe. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean for you to feel awkward or surprised. I just thought that... it wouldn't be so bad if you two meet. I thought you wouldn't mind."
"I have finals to study for," I said quickly. What was he thinking anyway? This friend? "I don't really want to meet anyone." I opened up my book again reading the same sentences over and over. Hiiragizawa-kun sat there watching me. Why now? Why did he have to find me and tell me this? I wanted to be alone. I sat there feeling uncomfortable, my heart beating faster. My hands shaking to even lift up my tea cup that I didn't bother to even drink anymore in fear that he might see how nervous I had become. How did he find me? I asked myself. The cafe was located on the other side of town of where his house was. It was secluded, hidden by trees. "Really, if you don't mind Hiiragizawa-kun, I would like to be alone so I can study."
"It's such a nice day out," he said. "Finals aren't for another month right?"
"It's always good to prepare." I heard him sigh. He stood up, pushing the chair in. "It's such a beautiful day. Smell the fresh air, look at the blue sky. Daidouji-san, you probably won't believe me if I tell you this but I understand you. You and I..." He paused, his eyes searching mine, I had to look away. "You and I..." he continued again. "You and I are the same in many ways. A long time ago I thought only seeing the one that was important to me... I thought just watching them smile was enough happiness for me to live on. But Daidouji-san, that's not true is it? Just watching isn't enough is it? Maybe it's being selfish, maybe it's another reason but it's not enough just to see them happy. Those reasons are selfish too, Daidouji-san. Do you realize that? Because it's running away too isn't it? Daidouji-san, are you really happy this way? Do you really see the blue sky today? Do you smell the fresh air? Do you really hear the birds chirping on that tree? Do you see the flowers that are blooming in those trees?"
"I'm not blind or deaf, Hiiragizawa-kun. Of course I see and hear those things. Of course I smell the fresh air. I did not lose my sense of smell. I did not lose my sense of sight and hearing."
Hiiragizawa-kun smiled. "Are you sure?" He asked almost in a whisper, looking up at the sky. "Are you sure Daidouji-san?" He stood beside me. He did not look at me anymore. He just kept looking up at the sky. The birds flying up high, the flowers on the trees, the flowers planted around the trees. "My friend... I told her that maybe you'll meet her at the park. You know, the one where the ducks are."
I looked up at him closing my book, finding that smile that he always gave me on his face. He didn't say another word to me. He stuffed his hand inside his dress pants pocket, walking away looking up at the sky.
I didn't understand what went on between us. Why did he choose that day to tell me what I didn't want to hear? Why did he come find me to tell me that he understood me? How can he possibly understand me, how I was feeling, when he hardly knew me? If it weren't for Sakura-chan we would never have met.... But when I think about it... if it weren't for Sakura- chan, I would not be here right now. Being friends with him, listening to him... if it wasn't for her... for him... I wouldn't have been able to realize.
I tell myself all the time that I am much stronger than how I really feel inside. I don't consider myself the same as those characters I read about in the many manga that I borrow from Naoko-chan. I can't even see myself in their shoes. I see those girls as weak because unlike them, I was not a lonely person. Happiness was always inside me. Always always always. I had Grandfather, Mother, and my other friends. If I were lonely why then do I smile whenever I see her happy face? Why do I laugh whenever I am with her? Hiiragizawa-kun did not understand me. But I couldn't help but think that maybe I am too easy to read.
"Do you really see the blue sky today? Do you smell the fresh air?" Those were the words of Hiiragizawa-kun. Such easy questions. Of course I do. Am I such an open window? Since that day in fifth grade when I stopped them from fighting... I knew. It was going to happen no matter what. I knew. Sakura-chan's brother knew. Everyone knew. Her happiness was my happiness. I always believed that. I did everything to help. I did everything to see that smile on her face.
--------------------
"I think you're going to look so beautiful," I told Sakura-chan. "Li- kun would like you to go."
Sakura-chan looked at the mirror holding the blue princess dress against her body. She was smiling her old smile but everything about her whole demeanor and her downcast eyes did not match that smile. "It's beautiful, Tomoyo-chan," she said. I told her that I was so happy making it. It's been two years since the last time I made her a costume. Now that we were finally in Jr. High I finally had the opportunity again to make her one for the Fairytale Dance. I think my eyes started to gleam. The fan girl in me wanted so much for her to be happy. I knew for a fact that she was going to be beautiful. Still, Sakura-chan hesitated trying to hide behind that smile.
"Thank-you Tomoyo-chan. It's beautiful. But... but I'm not sure I want to go." She said the words I knew she was going to say.
"But Sakura-chan, you have to go. None of us have been to a dance before and you look so kawaii and Li-kun said that he always wants you to be happy. And I guarantee that you will be happy if you come. I'm almost positive about it. And Naoko-chan and Chiharu-chan will be disappointed if you don't come." I said this very quickly because it pained me. I was almost thirteen and nothing I said was making me feel better. I felt so selfish because I should be happy. After all, I was the one who planned all this. I was the one that had called Meiling-chan for help. I hated myself for what my heart was feeling. I smiled at her hoping she would agree. And when she said 'Yes' in her quiet way I was relieved. It was going to happen after all. She was going to be happy.
"What is your costume Tomoyo-chan?" Sakura-chan asked, looking at me curiously.
"Clara," I answered.
"Clara?" Sakura-chan put her princess dress down on the bed. "From the Nutcracker?"
I nodded. "Grandfather and I saw it for Christmas last year. I thought it was a beautiful story." I clasped my hands together. "Clara. The toy soldier. I think it's my favorite ballet so far."
"I can't wait to see you in your costume too, Tomoyo-chan."
Sakura-chan didn't know that I was busy making a costume for Li-kun. It took all my nights making it, locked in my room right after I school. When Meiling-chan called me that Li-kun had already recieved the costume I made for him and that he was all set and ready to go to Japan, the two of us were excited as ever. "It's funny isn't it?" Meiling-chan said over the phone. "That we're doing all this when we're the ones..." Meiling-chan did not finish but she didn't need to finish for I already knew what she was going to say. We understood each other when it comes to our feelings about Li-kun and Sakura-chan. We both knew the pain, the loneliness, the hopelessness and those other feelings. Still, I was excited. I even told Sakura-chan that I wished I still had my video camera so I can capture everything. As expected, Sakura-chan blushed with embarassment.
I think that was the beginning of my letting go. That night of the fairy tale dance.
Sakura-chan seemed more alive after that night. Meiling-chan called to tell me that Li-kun too was happy when she picked him up at the airport. Two years later, before the start of our last year of Jr. High, it was my turn to pick Li-kun up at the airport. He called to tell me he was finally able to stay. "I'm gonna be home," he said. "I can't wait." To think that Li-kun considered Tomoeda home was sweet in a way. If Sakura-chan had heard him I think her heart would have skipped a beat. I told him this over the phone and I heard him squirm uncomfortably on the other end. I giggled at the tought of him blushing while talking to me. "Really Daidouji," he coughed. "You think about really stupid things."
Li-kun met me outside of the airport. He recognized me first, tapping me on the shoulder because I was looking the other way for him. I jumped in surprise. "I didn't mean to scare you," he said rather quickly. His face getting a bit red. "To be honest, I didn't know where you were but then I realized no one else but you, Daidouji, would have a white limo, a bouquet of flowers and three female bodyguards outside of this airport and I guess I was right." He smiled and without any hesitation or without waiting for my reply, he hugged me. I had not seen Li-kun since the day he left for Hong Kong four years ago. I've spoken with him on the phone a couple times especially when Meiling-chan and I "helped" him visit Sakura-chan for that fairy tale dance. That was all. Sakura-chan keeps a picture of him on her desk but sometimes a person on a picture isn't the same as when you see them right before your eyes. And Li-kun was there... tall now with hair still styled in that messy way, wearing a black suit. He hugged me so tightly that the bouquet of flowers I was going to give him fell to his feet. His actions were so far away from the Li-kun I knew four years ago that it really did surprise me. Li-kun let go of me, picking up the flowers. "I guess these are for me?"
I nodded. "Welcome back," I said bowing to him. "Welcome home." He smiled at those words. I have never seen Li-kun smile before then. It amazed me. He changed so much. From that shy frowning boy to someone that was not even afraid to hug me. I told him this and a part of the old Li-kun came back when a slight blush appeared on his cheeks.
He rubbed his neck awkwardly, looking up at the sky. "Same old Daidouji. You never fail to make those kinds of embarassing observations."
"Making you and Sakura-chan blush Li-kun, was always the highlight of my days back then. Didn't you know that?" I had to giggle. I couldn't help it.
"Except of course you had that video camera of yours too." He looked at both my hands. "Funny, where is that camera now?"
"Really, why would I have it? Sakura-chan's not even around."
Li-kun laughed. "That's right," he bowed to me. "I forgot."
"Sakura-chan will be so surprised." I said after awhile. "She doesn't expect a thing."
"I hope everything will turn out all right," he said looking up at the sky again. "I've been so worried."
"Don't be. I can't wait to see her face when she sees you."
"Me too." He said. "It's been so long, since that dance." He looked back at me, with another blush on his face. "I'm such an idiot. If my sisters see me this way, I'll never hear the end of it." He shook his head. "Anyway, Daidouji, I want to say that you look great. You look very beautiful..."
Li-kun's words were so quick that it took me awhile to register them. Did he really say that? We were inside the limo driving away from Narita, Li-kun looking so happy. He will probably not remember that very moment his face shone like it did when we drove through Tokyo but I will. It was another sort of happiness that I wanted to remember. "Thank-you, by the way," I started talking before I was able to stop myself. "For saying that. No one has ever said that to me before... without comparing me to someone else."
He turned away from the limo's window to look at me sitting on the opposite side of him. "What did I say?" He asked with wonder in his eyes.
I shook my head. "Ah, it's nothing. It's not important." I looked out my window. It was better that he did not remember. It was OK.
But he did not take his eyes off me. I can tell he was trying to recall what he said minutes before... "Ah," he said after a long pause. He looked out the window from his side again. "It's the truth Daidouji. You are."
From that day on, my whole ninth grade year seemed like a blur. It seemed everything in my life that felt alive were spinning above me and I couldn't catch up and all I was left with was silence. Like that lone wind you hear in the mountains or a lone rooster call in the early morning. The noisy cicadas in the trees and the cherry blossoms that follow the way of the breezes. It's that silence I did not want.
I was spending less time with Sakura-chan, less time with Chiharu- chan and Naoko-chan... I felt like I did not belong anywhere and that is what I didn't understand. Why did I feel this way when everyone was happy all around me? I kept believing that I was happy. My best friend was finally able to smile the way she used to. There was a spark in her, this brightness in her eyes. When I was younger even just a small splash of her spirit was enough to make me love her more than anyone else. I loved her with all my heart. Her happiness was my happiness, I believed in that thinking for so long. But everything was different... it wasn't the same anymore. I couldn't endure it anymore.
"Tomoyo-chan?" I was in the hallway walking towards the music room when I heard Sakura-chan's voice.
I turned around, waiting for her to catch up. "Sakura-chan?" Other kids were running past me so they can finally head home or go somewhere else other than school. Voices were everywhere, small conversations flying in the halls but Sakura-chan's voice was the only one I heard. The only one I was able to hold on to.
Her face was flushed when she finally caught up with me. "Why did you walk away so quickly? I was just putting my books away and when I turned around you were gone." Sakura-chan laid her hand on my shoulder.
I turned away from her worried, questioning eyes. "I'm sorry," I said. "I just wanted to practice in the music room."
Sakura-chan followed me to the music room which, except for us, was empty. I sat down on the piano, spreading out my music sheets. I began to play scales just to practice but mostly it was to avoid looking at her. "Tomoyo-chan..." Sakura-chan began. Her voice sounded nervous, unsure of what to say next. "Is something wrong?"
"Of course there's nothing wrong," I said immediately. I smiled, turning back to the piano. That really was the truth for the most part. There really was nothing wrong, at least nothing that she could have done for me.
"Tomoyo-chan," Sakura-chan walked towards me. Her usual nervous stance was present in the air. I was used to her aura, I knew every one of her actions by heart. Nervousness meant she wanted to say something but didn't want to hurt me. "I... I can't wait to hear you sing. Can you let me listen to you for awhile?"
When we were younger, Sakura-chan used to listen to me sing. She would close her eyes as she sat on a desk in front of the piano, listening as if the music was part of her very air. She looked so pretty when she did that. I felt so happy because she was there for me. Listening to me. Don't you see? She was my world. But all that had to change. I couldn't do it anymore. Pretending was never my specialty.
"I'm going away," I said, closing the piano, gathering my music sheets. Why did I even bother to spread them out? Even when I wanted to stop pretending, I still didn't want to let go. "I'm going to London. I applied to a music academy there and I got accepted."
Sakura-chan's eyes widened. "What? What to you mean? When did you decide this? Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice cracked then drifted away.
"I have to leave on Sunday," I continued.
"You're going to leave just like that? You're going to leave before graduation? But why? But..." Sakura-chan shook her head, tears starting to form around her eyes. With a quickness that I was not prepared for, she came up to throw her arms around my neck. She buried her face on my chest. "No, what are you saying? I just don't understand." Her words were muffled, her face wet.
I stayed quiet, my arms stuck to my sides. I had let her cry. I tried not to comfort her, to put my arms around her. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to let go and if I were to say anything, I knew I would not be able to handle it. I would not be able to leave quietly, I just wanted to slip away. Just looking at her crying face then, the words she had said to me. "What would I do without you, Tomoyo-chan?" I didn't know what to say, for I didn't know what I would do without her either.
That night, I began to pack. I wanted to leave as soon as possible. My mother asked if I can hold off on it. "What are you going to do there for 2 months? Why don't you wait until graduation? The next semester is so far away..." But I couldn't make myself stay in Tomoeda another minute. It hurt too much to even think about it. I opened the jewelry box with all my treasured possessions and took the eraser that Sakura-chan gave me along with the dream list that I had written, putting it inside my carry on bag. I was determined even then to achieve all of that. The last one wasn't going to come true but I was over it.
Sakura-chan, Li-kun, and everyone else bid me goodbye in the airport that Sunday. They wanted to throw a party for me but I did not want it. I wanted to not think about Tomoeda when I went on that plane. It was like I wanted a new clean slate. I didn't want that bagagge and I did not want to cry anymore.
"We'll write all the time," said Sakura-chan. "I'll miss you so much. It won't be the same without you." Sakura-chan hugged me so hard I almost lost my breath. I felt her tears on my cheek. She wished me luck. I wished her to be happy. "Tomoyo-chan..." she said in a soft whisper.
"What is it?" I asked.
Sakura-chan wiped her tears away, giving me a braver look on her face. Maybe a look of soemthing else as well. I had to look away. But she had taken my face between her hands and kissed me on the cheek. "I love you, Tomoyo-chan."
Li-kun had also bid me goodbye. "Daidouji," he had said. "I know why you're doing this. Sakura... she tried to tell me. I don't know what to say. You must hate me, like her brother. You feel the same way I do about Sakura. You and I love her more than..." Li-kun sighed. "You must hate me..."
I never hated Li-kun. I never regreted the fact that Li-kun and Sakura-chan had fallen in love. It was their 'destiny' as they say in those romance books and I was not part of that destiny. I was probably the happiest than anyone in the world to see them happy. I told myself that but I just couldn't help feeling hurt. I couldn't help but feel something missing inside me and I just didn't want to feel that anymore.
"Take care of Sakura-chan, Li-kun. You better not make her cry or else I'm going to come back and hurt you."
Li-kun laughed softly. "Funny... Meilin almost said the same thing to me when I left Hong Kong."
"I guess she and I are alike in our thinking." Funny. Meiling-chan and I were very much alike aren't we? I wonder if Meiling-chan too felt that something missing in her heart as well. Then again, I think everyone had felt that something missing in their hearts once before. Or at least will feel it one day. That hurt that makes you want to take your heart out and throw it away.
Li-kun hugged me then, "Thank-you, Daidouji..."
It was a simple thing, those two very simple words. Yet, those words alone meant a lot of things. Li-kun didn't even have to say anything more. I knew the meaning behind it all. When I arrived in London, I would always think about it. Sometimes it made me happy, sometimes it made me sad. Everything that has happened in my life up to that was all my doing. I always ask myself what would happen if I had not called Sakura-chan to tell her Li-kun was leaving for Hong Kong, if that Fairy Tale dance had not happened, if I had not called Meiling-chan, if I had not done this and that.
I decided it was useless to think about it. I decided to forget, to change, to be happy, to look at the blue skies of London, which was sometimes hidden by fog, and never look back. I had stopped wearing the things that my mother had bought for me. The dresses, the blouses, the skirts. I sometimes laughed about how I did not own one piece of clothing that was not feminine. I bought jeans, running shoes, sweatshirts and the last thing I needed to do was to cut my hair. Maybe then I felt, that I was finally going to be different and free. Not just from the feelings I had for Sakura-chan but for everything else. I was no longer going to be the best friend or someone to be relied upon. I was never again going to be the Nadeshiko that my mother wanted me to be since I was a little girl. It was like that feeling of 'finding yourself'. I looked and felt like a different person.
"Do you really see the blue sky today? Do you smell the fresh air?" That was what Hiiragizawa-kun had told me. Maybe with all my wanting to change myself, I was still pretending. I was still the same person. Pretending to be happy seemed too sad to even think about. I guess even Hiiragizawa-kun had seen that in me.
Funny how the more you hide the more people find you.
After Hiiragizawa-kun had left the cafe, I went to that park with the ducks. I wanted to prove him wrong about me. I was not blind, I was not deaf. I was not pretending.
Hiiragizawa-kun's friend sat on a park bench reading a book just like he had told me. She must have heard me as I approached because she turned around to look straight at me. At first she was unsure if I was the person she was supposed to meet. Then she stood up, waiting beside the park bench. "Hi," she said, smiling at me. "You must be Tomoyo." She stuck out her hand for me to shake. "I'm Maria."
At first I did not understand why Hiiragizawa-kun had made me meet Maria. Was it because he felt I needed someone to talk to? Since he had picked me from the airport he was always there to make me feel at home in his native city. I never asked for it. Sometimes, even Mizuki-sensei came with him to take me somewhere. Was it because he thought that if I meet this person, maybe I'd find someone to make me happy? So I can see and hear again? Why did he care?
Maria was small and thin. Her shiny black hair fell all the way to the middle of her back and her skin was so smooth it looked like porcelain. She was certainly beautiful with big brown eyes and small red lips. Like Hiiragizawa-kun she was Japanese and English and she spoke with an English accent. "Forgive me," she said quickly. "I don't speak Japanese too well but I'm learning."
"It's all right," I said trying to smile at this beautiful person in front of me. "I can understand you just fine. You have a pretty accent."
Maria smiled. Somewhere in my mind I was comparing her to Sakura- chan. Somewhere in my mind I wondered if this person will mean something to me. Will this person love me like no one had loved me before. It was really crazy for me thinking about those things when I had only met Maria for about five minutes. When I touched her hand something in me felt alive again, when I talked to her I was mesmerized. She was intelligent, sweet, and funny. She had made me laugh for the first time since I can remember. She was nothing like Sakura-chan at all. I've never met anyone like her before. Hiiragizawa-kun must have known for a long time that I just needed some kind of company. Maria liked all the things that I liked. She even said her favorite ballet was the Nutcracker.
As I got to know Maria, I began to like her more and more. My feelings confused me. I was breathing air that I wasn't familiar with, my heart felt calmer and I began to finally see and hear what Hiiragizawa-kun was wanting me to see and to hear. I began to see life again don't you see... but it still was not the same. I didn't know why. My heart did not feel right.
"So, you must be happy," said Hiiragizawa-kun sipping a cup of white and blueberry tea. He was sitting in front of me with his hair all over his face from the light breeze. Autumn was starting, I can almost sense it. I remembered thinking that I couldn't wait to see London in the fall. "You and Maria must be hitting it off," he continued. "I'm glad."
Hiiragizawa-kun was smiling as always. He made jokes about the tea combinations, how my hair looked nicer short than it was long. "You're like how you should look," he said.
"What does that mean?" I asked, confused.
He shrugged. "You look like yourself, Daidouji-san."
There was something about Hiiragizawa-kun that wasn't right though. Although he smiled, although he joked, there was something dark in his eyes that seemed far away and lost. I've never seen him look like that before. "Is there anything wrong?" I asked, careful not to make him uncomfortable.
"Daidouji-san... what would you say if I take you to dinner. Are you busy?"
He completely ignored my question. "I would like to," I told him.
I guess there are some things I couldn't really explain as to what has happened to me during my first years in London, the times that I had spent with Maria, times I was spending with Hiiragizawa-kun and Mizuki- sensei.
I can always tell you about my music and art classes, the girls music academy and how my mother would send me big packages every month filled with stuff I don't really need like the new toy sensation or a new brand of candy bar but I think that would be boring to you. All I can say is that life is just too hard to explain, my life anyway. I thought I was sure of things when I had arrived here. I wanted to waste away my memories of Japan and be someone that was different from the Daidouji Tomoyo that everyone has known back home. Changing yourself however is hard to do especially when you still have feelings that are still lingering in your very bones. It's hard to define that feeling . It's like love. There are different types of love. Best friend love, an ordinary love, and a love that truly defines you as a person. I thought that I had fallen in love once, the kind of love that truly defined me as a person and I was wrong at that time. I thought I had fallen in love again but it didn't feel the same. It felt like I had to love instead of wanting and feeling that love. It confused me and upset me and it hurt me.
"Tomoyo, I understand." Maria told me in her usual soft comforting way. We were in the park where the ducks were, the place where we first met. She placed her hand on my cheek, her long hair had covered part of her face when she leaned over to me. I looked at her a little nervously, I had not noticed that her eyes were blue. I had always thought they were brown because they were so dark. They were almost like Hiiragizawa-kun's. "I wish to see you happy Tomoyo," Maria whispered to me. She leaned in even closer to kiss me. Her soft lips touching my own. It felt warm, that kiss. My first kiss. It was something I will never forget. You can't really forget that. She had smiled her always lovely smile when we parted. Her face with a touch of sadness but she had no tears. I think I'll always remember Maria with that face. "You promise me that I will see you happy?"
I nodded. I meant it. I wanted to be happy now. Me. Just thinking of me. Like Hiiragizawa-kun had said, sometimes it's good to be selfish. A long time ago, it was enough for me to see the person that I love happy but it was time that I was. And I was prepared for it. I wanted it and needed it. I want happiness.
"This is it Tomoyo, ready or not." I repeated over and over again. My new list of dreams was coming together. I smiled. How silly of me that I was sitting on a tree thinking all this and waiting. That person was coming for sure. But in the meantime, I was happy to wait. To look up at the blue sky that looked like the Pacific Ocean. This was my next step and I was ready.
----------------
To be continued... With Eriol's Ichiban chapter.... All the unanswered questions. And all the list of dreams.
--------------
Tomoyo and the Beautiful Blue Sky
ICHIBAN
If anyone ever told me that I would end up here, at this very moment, at this very place, I would never have believed it. When I was a child I only had specific dreams. Dreams that I listed in an order that I knew I could achieve. I even stored it in my jewelry box, kept it locked with everything that was important to me. My diary, old concert tickets from when Grandfather and I went to see the Nutcracker back in sixth grade, and the eraser that Sakura-chan gave me long ago. That was my most treasured thing. I never used it and hardly ever picked it up to hold it. It's pink color was still so vibrant that the company's name written in black on top of the eraser was still clear. These were my treasures. I never could let them go. But that's one thing about some treasures. If you kept it locked up like that, it would never be able to show its true beauty. I don't really know how to describe it but I knew that keeping things locked up, keeping my list of dreams hidden was too much for me. I achieved almost all of them. Except for one. One dream that would never come true. It was a dream I had since I met Sakura-chan on that first day of school in the fourth grade. Ah, but those are just memories now. I lived in memories for too long. And it isn't right for me to do that. For I have a new list now and I want the last one of my dreams to come true. I am determined for that.
Looking up at the sky from my view, I just came to realize how blue it really is. What a perfect and beautiful day. It was so blue that it was like the color of the Pacific Ocean. Like the exact same colors of the sky during those times when Mother and I used to go to the onsen in Hokkaido. Whenever we were there I would escape from my body guards that always kept an eye on me and Mother's watchful eyes. My mother was very protective of me. Though she was always kept busy with the everyday business of the toy company, those little vacations we took were always her small highlights. Whenever she got a chance, she would buy me a new dress or would help me with a new hairstyle, she would say that I was as beautiful as her Nadeshiko, that I should never cut my hair so it'll look like Nadeshiko's. Her eyes turned to happiness everytime she said Sakura-chan's mother's name. I learned to live with it because I knew it made my mother happy. Amazing how just the color of the sky can make you remember such things.
I wonder if Sakura-chan is looking at the same blue sky at this very moment. I can see her smiling face, her always gleaming green eyes. Just thinking about it made my heartache just a little bit. Not because it's broken or anything of that sort but because I already knew and accepted that I would not be able to see that everyday. Her happy face, that beautiful smile and her never ending happy aura. To see that was life for me back then.
It's different now though. That part of me is over. That dream, that yearning, that longing, that small piece of happiness. My heart beat for something else entirely. I looked at my list of dreams, smiling, taking a deep breath. "This is it Tomoyo, ready or not." I repeated that to myself. This was my next step. I was ready.
-----------------
"I have a friend." Hiiragizawa-kun laid his hand on my shoulder, looking at me with his always kind eyes. He shocked me a little. I wasn't expecting someone to approach me or even notice me at the cafe. He sat down on the chair across from me and without asking, took a sip of my tea, taking a cookie. "Sorry. I hope you don't mind," he said with a smile, placing the teacup back on its saucer.
I returned his smile. "How can I mind if you drank out of it before I even had a chance to drink it or say no. How was it? Good? Bitter?"
"It's very good Daidouji-san. What is it? Rasberry and Peach Tea?" He asked, flashing another smile. "Anyway," he continued, not waiting for my answer. "You would have really said no? To me? I'm sorry. I'll buy you another cup."
I giggled. "How can you be so polite, yet be so..." I couldn't find the words. Silly? Crazy? But those were the words that you wouldn't find me uttering in front of Hiiragizawa-kun. "Hiiragizawa-kun, I would think by now that you would know when I'm kidding and when I'm not. Of course I don't mind. Not at all. And you're right. It is Rasberry and Peach tea."
"What an interesting combination," he observed.
"It is," I said. "You can have any combination of tea you want in this place. That's why I took a liking to it. You can order green tea with mint tea if you want."
"Or maybe lemon tea with old english tea?" He asked slyly. "Or how about white tea with oolong tea?"
I laughed and shook my head. "You're so... you're so..."
He took his glasses off and leaned over the table waiting for me to finish my sentence. "What am I Daidouji-san?"
I wiped the corners of my mouth with a napkin. "Ah, nevermind." I said. I closed the book I was reading. He was still leaning over the table but he put his glasses back on. "You didn't finish your sentence, you know."
"You didn't either," he said.
I sighed. "Really, Hiiragizawa-kun. What is it? Why are you here? What's this about your friend?"
"All right," he said, leaning back on the chair. He didn't speak for awhile but just kept his eyes on me. He adjusted his glasses then leaned in again, giving me another of his many many smiles. "I have this friend who wants to meet you." He said this slowly, as if he would hurt me if he said it any other way.
My heart started to beat faster when he uttered that last sentence. Back then I couldn't explain as to why I started to get nervous. I wanted to disappear. But maybe I was contradicting myself. Maybe I knew. I just didn't want to face it. There was probably a sign of shock in my face for Hiiragizawa-kun apologized and looked away from me, letting himself look around other tables of the outdoor cafe. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean for you to feel awkward or surprised. I just thought that... it wouldn't be so bad if you two meet. I thought you wouldn't mind."
"I have finals to study for," I said quickly. What was he thinking anyway? This friend? "I don't really want to meet anyone." I opened up my book again reading the same sentences over and over. Hiiragizawa-kun sat there watching me. Why now? Why did he have to find me and tell me this? I wanted to be alone. I sat there feeling uncomfortable, my heart beating faster. My hands shaking to even lift up my tea cup that I didn't bother to even drink anymore in fear that he might see how nervous I had become. How did he find me? I asked myself. The cafe was located on the other side of town of where his house was. It was secluded, hidden by trees. "Really, if you don't mind Hiiragizawa-kun, I would like to be alone so I can study."
"It's such a nice day out," he said. "Finals aren't for another month right?"
"It's always good to prepare." I heard him sigh. He stood up, pushing the chair in. "It's such a beautiful day. Smell the fresh air, look at the blue sky. Daidouji-san, you probably won't believe me if I tell you this but I understand you. You and I..." He paused, his eyes searching mine, I had to look away. "You and I..." he continued again. "You and I are the same in many ways. A long time ago I thought only seeing the one that was important to me... I thought just watching them smile was enough happiness for me to live on. But Daidouji-san, that's not true is it? Just watching isn't enough is it? Maybe it's being selfish, maybe it's another reason but it's not enough just to see them happy. Those reasons are selfish too, Daidouji-san. Do you realize that? Because it's running away too isn't it? Daidouji-san, are you really happy this way? Do you really see the blue sky today? Do you smell the fresh air? Do you really hear the birds chirping on that tree? Do you see the flowers that are blooming in those trees?"
"I'm not blind or deaf, Hiiragizawa-kun. Of course I see and hear those things. Of course I smell the fresh air. I did not lose my sense of smell. I did not lose my sense of sight and hearing."
Hiiragizawa-kun smiled. "Are you sure?" He asked almost in a whisper, looking up at the sky. "Are you sure Daidouji-san?" He stood beside me. He did not look at me anymore. He just kept looking up at the sky. The birds flying up high, the flowers on the trees, the flowers planted around the trees. "My friend... I told her that maybe you'll meet her at the park. You know, the one where the ducks are."
I looked up at him closing my book, finding that smile that he always gave me on his face. He didn't say another word to me. He stuffed his hand inside his dress pants pocket, walking away looking up at the sky.
I didn't understand what went on between us. Why did he choose that day to tell me what I didn't want to hear? Why did he come find me to tell me that he understood me? How can he possibly understand me, how I was feeling, when he hardly knew me? If it weren't for Sakura-chan we would never have met.... But when I think about it... if it weren't for Sakura- chan, I would not be here right now. Being friends with him, listening to him... if it wasn't for her... for him... I wouldn't have been able to realize.
I tell myself all the time that I am much stronger than how I really feel inside. I don't consider myself the same as those characters I read about in the many manga that I borrow from Naoko-chan. I can't even see myself in their shoes. I see those girls as weak because unlike them, I was not a lonely person. Happiness was always inside me. Always always always. I had Grandfather, Mother, and my other friends. If I were lonely why then do I smile whenever I see her happy face? Why do I laugh whenever I am with her? Hiiragizawa-kun did not understand me. But I couldn't help but think that maybe I am too easy to read.
"Do you really see the blue sky today? Do you smell the fresh air?" Those were the words of Hiiragizawa-kun. Such easy questions. Of course I do. Am I such an open window? Since that day in fifth grade when I stopped them from fighting... I knew. It was going to happen no matter what. I knew. Sakura-chan's brother knew. Everyone knew. Her happiness was my happiness. I always believed that. I did everything to help. I did everything to see that smile on her face.
--------------------
"I think you're going to look so beautiful," I told Sakura-chan. "Li- kun would like you to go."
Sakura-chan looked at the mirror holding the blue princess dress against her body. She was smiling her old smile but everything about her whole demeanor and her downcast eyes did not match that smile. "It's beautiful, Tomoyo-chan," she said. I told her that I was so happy making it. It's been two years since the last time I made her a costume. Now that we were finally in Jr. High I finally had the opportunity again to make her one for the Fairytale Dance. I think my eyes started to gleam. The fan girl in me wanted so much for her to be happy. I knew for a fact that she was going to be beautiful. Still, Sakura-chan hesitated trying to hide behind that smile.
"Thank-you Tomoyo-chan. It's beautiful. But... but I'm not sure I want to go." She said the words I knew she was going to say.
"But Sakura-chan, you have to go. None of us have been to a dance before and you look so kawaii and Li-kun said that he always wants you to be happy. And I guarantee that you will be happy if you come. I'm almost positive about it. And Naoko-chan and Chiharu-chan will be disappointed if you don't come." I said this very quickly because it pained me. I was almost thirteen and nothing I said was making me feel better. I felt so selfish because I should be happy. After all, I was the one who planned all this. I was the one that had called Meiling-chan for help. I hated myself for what my heart was feeling. I smiled at her hoping she would agree. And when she said 'Yes' in her quiet way I was relieved. It was going to happen after all. She was going to be happy.
"What is your costume Tomoyo-chan?" Sakura-chan asked, looking at me curiously.
"Clara," I answered.
"Clara?" Sakura-chan put her princess dress down on the bed. "From the Nutcracker?"
I nodded. "Grandfather and I saw it for Christmas last year. I thought it was a beautiful story." I clasped my hands together. "Clara. The toy soldier. I think it's my favorite ballet so far."
"I can't wait to see you in your costume too, Tomoyo-chan."
Sakura-chan didn't know that I was busy making a costume for Li-kun. It took all my nights making it, locked in my room right after I school. When Meiling-chan called me that Li-kun had already recieved the costume I made for him and that he was all set and ready to go to Japan, the two of us were excited as ever. "It's funny isn't it?" Meiling-chan said over the phone. "That we're doing all this when we're the ones..." Meiling-chan did not finish but she didn't need to finish for I already knew what she was going to say. We understood each other when it comes to our feelings about Li-kun and Sakura-chan. We both knew the pain, the loneliness, the hopelessness and those other feelings. Still, I was excited. I even told Sakura-chan that I wished I still had my video camera so I can capture everything. As expected, Sakura-chan blushed with embarassment.
I think that was the beginning of my letting go. That night of the fairy tale dance.
Sakura-chan seemed more alive after that night. Meiling-chan called to tell me that Li-kun too was happy when she picked him up at the airport. Two years later, before the start of our last year of Jr. High, it was my turn to pick Li-kun up at the airport. He called to tell me he was finally able to stay. "I'm gonna be home," he said. "I can't wait." To think that Li-kun considered Tomoeda home was sweet in a way. If Sakura-chan had heard him I think her heart would have skipped a beat. I told him this over the phone and I heard him squirm uncomfortably on the other end. I giggled at the tought of him blushing while talking to me. "Really Daidouji," he coughed. "You think about really stupid things."
Li-kun met me outside of the airport. He recognized me first, tapping me on the shoulder because I was looking the other way for him. I jumped in surprise. "I didn't mean to scare you," he said rather quickly. His face getting a bit red. "To be honest, I didn't know where you were but then I realized no one else but you, Daidouji, would have a white limo, a bouquet of flowers and three female bodyguards outside of this airport and I guess I was right." He smiled and without any hesitation or without waiting for my reply, he hugged me. I had not seen Li-kun since the day he left for Hong Kong four years ago. I've spoken with him on the phone a couple times especially when Meiling-chan and I "helped" him visit Sakura-chan for that fairy tale dance. That was all. Sakura-chan keeps a picture of him on her desk but sometimes a person on a picture isn't the same as when you see them right before your eyes. And Li-kun was there... tall now with hair still styled in that messy way, wearing a black suit. He hugged me so tightly that the bouquet of flowers I was going to give him fell to his feet. His actions were so far away from the Li-kun I knew four years ago that it really did surprise me. Li-kun let go of me, picking up the flowers. "I guess these are for me?"
I nodded. "Welcome back," I said bowing to him. "Welcome home." He smiled at those words. I have never seen Li-kun smile before then. It amazed me. He changed so much. From that shy frowning boy to someone that was not even afraid to hug me. I told him this and a part of the old Li-kun came back when a slight blush appeared on his cheeks.
He rubbed his neck awkwardly, looking up at the sky. "Same old Daidouji. You never fail to make those kinds of embarassing observations."
"Making you and Sakura-chan blush Li-kun, was always the highlight of my days back then. Didn't you know that?" I had to giggle. I couldn't help it.
"Except of course you had that video camera of yours too." He looked at both my hands. "Funny, where is that camera now?"
"Really, why would I have it? Sakura-chan's not even around."
Li-kun laughed. "That's right," he bowed to me. "I forgot."
"Sakura-chan will be so surprised." I said after awhile. "She doesn't expect a thing."
"I hope everything will turn out all right," he said looking up at the sky again. "I've been so worried."
"Don't be. I can't wait to see her face when she sees you."
"Me too." He said. "It's been so long, since that dance." He looked back at me, with another blush on his face. "I'm such an idiot. If my sisters see me this way, I'll never hear the end of it." He shook his head. "Anyway, Daidouji, I want to say that you look great. You look very beautiful..."
Li-kun's words were so quick that it took me awhile to register them. Did he really say that? We were inside the limo driving away from Narita, Li-kun looking so happy. He will probably not remember that very moment his face shone like it did when we drove through Tokyo but I will. It was another sort of happiness that I wanted to remember. "Thank-you, by the way," I started talking before I was able to stop myself. "For saying that. No one has ever said that to me before... without comparing me to someone else."
He turned away from the limo's window to look at me sitting on the opposite side of him. "What did I say?" He asked with wonder in his eyes.
I shook my head. "Ah, it's nothing. It's not important." I looked out my window. It was better that he did not remember. It was OK.
But he did not take his eyes off me. I can tell he was trying to recall what he said minutes before... "Ah," he said after a long pause. He looked out the window from his side again. "It's the truth Daidouji. You are."
From that day on, my whole ninth grade year seemed like a blur. It seemed everything in my life that felt alive were spinning above me and I couldn't catch up and all I was left with was silence. Like that lone wind you hear in the mountains or a lone rooster call in the early morning. The noisy cicadas in the trees and the cherry blossoms that follow the way of the breezes. It's that silence I did not want.
I was spending less time with Sakura-chan, less time with Chiharu- chan and Naoko-chan... I felt like I did not belong anywhere and that is what I didn't understand. Why did I feel this way when everyone was happy all around me? I kept believing that I was happy. My best friend was finally able to smile the way she used to. There was a spark in her, this brightness in her eyes. When I was younger even just a small splash of her spirit was enough to make me love her more than anyone else. I loved her with all my heart. Her happiness was my happiness, I believed in that thinking for so long. But everything was different... it wasn't the same anymore. I couldn't endure it anymore.
"Tomoyo-chan?" I was in the hallway walking towards the music room when I heard Sakura-chan's voice.
I turned around, waiting for her to catch up. "Sakura-chan?" Other kids were running past me so they can finally head home or go somewhere else other than school. Voices were everywhere, small conversations flying in the halls but Sakura-chan's voice was the only one I heard. The only one I was able to hold on to.
Her face was flushed when she finally caught up with me. "Why did you walk away so quickly? I was just putting my books away and when I turned around you were gone." Sakura-chan laid her hand on my shoulder.
I turned away from her worried, questioning eyes. "I'm sorry," I said. "I just wanted to practice in the music room."
Sakura-chan followed me to the music room which, except for us, was empty. I sat down on the piano, spreading out my music sheets. I began to play scales just to practice but mostly it was to avoid looking at her. "Tomoyo-chan..." Sakura-chan began. Her voice sounded nervous, unsure of what to say next. "Is something wrong?"
"Of course there's nothing wrong," I said immediately. I smiled, turning back to the piano. That really was the truth for the most part. There really was nothing wrong, at least nothing that she could have done for me.
"Tomoyo-chan," Sakura-chan walked towards me. Her usual nervous stance was present in the air. I was used to her aura, I knew every one of her actions by heart. Nervousness meant she wanted to say something but didn't want to hurt me. "I... I can't wait to hear you sing. Can you let me listen to you for awhile?"
When we were younger, Sakura-chan used to listen to me sing. She would close her eyes as she sat on a desk in front of the piano, listening as if the music was part of her very air. She looked so pretty when she did that. I felt so happy because she was there for me. Listening to me. Don't you see? She was my world. But all that had to change. I couldn't do it anymore. Pretending was never my specialty.
"I'm going away," I said, closing the piano, gathering my music sheets. Why did I even bother to spread them out? Even when I wanted to stop pretending, I still didn't want to let go. "I'm going to London. I applied to a music academy there and I got accepted."
Sakura-chan's eyes widened. "What? What to you mean? When did you decide this? Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice cracked then drifted away.
"I have to leave on Sunday," I continued.
"You're going to leave just like that? You're going to leave before graduation? But why? But..." Sakura-chan shook her head, tears starting to form around her eyes. With a quickness that I was not prepared for, she came up to throw her arms around my neck. She buried her face on my chest. "No, what are you saying? I just don't understand." Her words were muffled, her face wet.
I stayed quiet, my arms stuck to my sides. I had let her cry. I tried not to comfort her, to put my arms around her. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to let go and if I were to say anything, I knew I would not be able to handle it. I would not be able to leave quietly, I just wanted to slip away. Just looking at her crying face then, the words she had said to me. "What would I do without you, Tomoyo-chan?" I didn't know what to say, for I didn't know what I would do without her either.
That night, I began to pack. I wanted to leave as soon as possible. My mother asked if I can hold off on it. "What are you going to do there for 2 months? Why don't you wait until graduation? The next semester is so far away..." But I couldn't make myself stay in Tomoeda another minute. It hurt too much to even think about it. I opened the jewelry box with all my treasured possessions and took the eraser that Sakura-chan gave me along with the dream list that I had written, putting it inside my carry on bag. I was determined even then to achieve all of that. The last one wasn't going to come true but I was over it.
Sakura-chan, Li-kun, and everyone else bid me goodbye in the airport that Sunday. They wanted to throw a party for me but I did not want it. I wanted to not think about Tomoeda when I went on that plane. It was like I wanted a new clean slate. I didn't want that bagagge and I did not want to cry anymore.
"We'll write all the time," said Sakura-chan. "I'll miss you so much. It won't be the same without you." Sakura-chan hugged me so hard I almost lost my breath. I felt her tears on my cheek. She wished me luck. I wished her to be happy. "Tomoyo-chan..." she said in a soft whisper.
"What is it?" I asked.
Sakura-chan wiped her tears away, giving me a braver look on her face. Maybe a look of soemthing else as well. I had to look away. But she had taken my face between her hands and kissed me on the cheek. "I love you, Tomoyo-chan."
Li-kun had also bid me goodbye. "Daidouji," he had said. "I know why you're doing this. Sakura... she tried to tell me. I don't know what to say. You must hate me, like her brother. You feel the same way I do about Sakura. You and I love her more than..." Li-kun sighed. "You must hate me..."
I never hated Li-kun. I never regreted the fact that Li-kun and Sakura-chan had fallen in love. It was their 'destiny' as they say in those romance books and I was not part of that destiny. I was probably the happiest than anyone in the world to see them happy. I told myself that but I just couldn't help feeling hurt. I couldn't help but feel something missing inside me and I just didn't want to feel that anymore.
"Take care of Sakura-chan, Li-kun. You better not make her cry or else I'm going to come back and hurt you."
Li-kun laughed softly. "Funny... Meilin almost said the same thing to me when I left Hong Kong."
"I guess she and I are alike in our thinking." Funny. Meiling-chan and I were very much alike aren't we? I wonder if Meiling-chan too felt that something missing in her heart as well. Then again, I think everyone had felt that something missing in their hearts once before. Or at least will feel it one day. That hurt that makes you want to take your heart out and throw it away.
Li-kun hugged me then, "Thank-you, Daidouji..."
It was a simple thing, those two very simple words. Yet, those words alone meant a lot of things. Li-kun didn't even have to say anything more. I knew the meaning behind it all. When I arrived in London, I would always think about it. Sometimes it made me happy, sometimes it made me sad. Everything that has happened in my life up to that was all my doing. I always ask myself what would happen if I had not called Sakura-chan to tell her Li-kun was leaving for Hong Kong, if that Fairy Tale dance had not happened, if I had not called Meiling-chan, if I had not done this and that.
I decided it was useless to think about it. I decided to forget, to change, to be happy, to look at the blue skies of London, which was sometimes hidden by fog, and never look back. I had stopped wearing the things that my mother had bought for me. The dresses, the blouses, the skirts. I sometimes laughed about how I did not own one piece of clothing that was not feminine. I bought jeans, running shoes, sweatshirts and the last thing I needed to do was to cut my hair. Maybe then I felt, that I was finally going to be different and free. Not just from the feelings I had for Sakura-chan but for everything else. I was no longer going to be the best friend or someone to be relied upon. I was never again going to be the Nadeshiko that my mother wanted me to be since I was a little girl. It was like that feeling of 'finding yourself'. I looked and felt like a different person.
"Do you really see the blue sky today? Do you smell the fresh air?" That was what Hiiragizawa-kun had told me. Maybe with all my wanting to change myself, I was still pretending. I was still the same person. Pretending to be happy seemed too sad to even think about. I guess even Hiiragizawa-kun had seen that in me.
Funny how the more you hide the more people find you.
After Hiiragizawa-kun had left the cafe, I went to that park with the ducks. I wanted to prove him wrong about me. I was not blind, I was not deaf. I was not pretending.
Hiiragizawa-kun's friend sat on a park bench reading a book just like he had told me. She must have heard me as I approached because she turned around to look straight at me. At first she was unsure if I was the person she was supposed to meet. Then she stood up, waiting beside the park bench. "Hi," she said, smiling at me. "You must be Tomoyo." She stuck out her hand for me to shake. "I'm Maria."
At first I did not understand why Hiiragizawa-kun had made me meet Maria. Was it because he felt I needed someone to talk to? Since he had picked me from the airport he was always there to make me feel at home in his native city. I never asked for it. Sometimes, even Mizuki-sensei came with him to take me somewhere. Was it because he thought that if I meet this person, maybe I'd find someone to make me happy? So I can see and hear again? Why did he care?
Maria was small and thin. Her shiny black hair fell all the way to the middle of her back and her skin was so smooth it looked like porcelain. She was certainly beautiful with big brown eyes and small red lips. Like Hiiragizawa-kun she was Japanese and English and she spoke with an English accent. "Forgive me," she said quickly. "I don't speak Japanese too well but I'm learning."
"It's all right," I said trying to smile at this beautiful person in front of me. "I can understand you just fine. You have a pretty accent."
Maria smiled. Somewhere in my mind I was comparing her to Sakura- chan. Somewhere in my mind I wondered if this person will mean something to me. Will this person love me like no one had loved me before. It was really crazy for me thinking about those things when I had only met Maria for about five minutes. When I touched her hand something in me felt alive again, when I talked to her I was mesmerized. She was intelligent, sweet, and funny. She had made me laugh for the first time since I can remember. She was nothing like Sakura-chan at all. I've never met anyone like her before. Hiiragizawa-kun must have known for a long time that I just needed some kind of company. Maria liked all the things that I liked. She even said her favorite ballet was the Nutcracker.
As I got to know Maria, I began to like her more and more. My feelings confused me. I was breathing air that I wasn't familiar with, my heart felt calmer and I began to finally see and hear what Hiiragizawa-kun was wanting me to see and to hear. I began to see life again don't you see... but it still was not the same. I didn't know why. My heart did not feel right.
"So, you must be happy," said Hiiragizawa-kun sipping a cup of white and blueberry tea. He was sitting in front of me with his hair all over his face from the light breeze. Autumn was starting, I can almost sense it. I remembered thinking that I couldn't wait to see London in the fall. "You and Maria must be hitting it off," he continued. "I'm glad."
Hiiragizawa-kun was smiling as always. He made jokes about the tea combinations, how my hair looked nicer short than it was long. "You're like how you should look," he said.
"What does that mean?" I asked, confused.
He shrugged. "You look like yourself, Daidouji-san."
There was something about Hiiragizawa-kun that wasn't right though. Although he smiled, although he joked, there was something dark in his eyes that seemed far away and lost. I've never seen him look like that before. "Is there anything wrong?" I asked, careful not to make him uncomfortable.
"Daidouji-san... what would you say if I take you to dinner. Are you busy?"
He completely ignored my question. "I would like to," I told him.
I guess there are some things I couldn't really explain as to what has happened to me during my first years in London, the times that I had spent with Maria, times I was spending with Hiiragizawa-kun and Mizuki- sensei.
I can always tell you about my music and art classes, the girls music academy and how my mother would send me big packages every month filled with stuff I don't really need like the new toy sensation or a new brand of candy bar but I think that would be boring to you. All I can say is that life is just too hard to explain, my life anyway. I thought I was sure of things when I had arrived here. I wanted to waste away my memories of Japan and be someone that was different from the Daidouji Tomoyo that everyone has known back home. Changing yourself however is hard to do especially when you still have feelings that are still lingering in your very bones. It's hard to define that feeling . It's like love. There are different types of love. Best friend love, an ordinary love, and a love that truly defines you as a person. I thought that I had fallen in love once, the kind of love that truly defined me as a person and I was wrong at that time. I thought I had fallen in love again but it didn't feel the same. It felt like I had to love instead of wanting and feeling that love. It confused me and upset me and it hurt me.
"Tomoyo, I understand." Maria told me in her usual soft comforting way. We were in the park where the ducks were, the place where we first met. She placed her hand on my cheek, her long hair had covered part of her face when she leaned over to me. I looked at her a little nervously, I had not noticed that her eyes were blue. I had always thought they were brown because they were so dark. They were almost like Hiiragizawa-kun's. "I wish to see you happy Tomoyo," Maria whispered to me. She leaned in even closer to kiss me. Her soft lips touching my own. It felt warm, that kiss. My first kiss. It was something I will never forget. You can't really forget that. She had smiled her always lovely smile when we parted. Her face with a touch of sadness but she had no tears. I think I'll always remember Maria with that face. "You promise me that I will see you happy?"
I nodded. I meant it. I wanted to be happy now. Me. Just thinking of me. Like Hiiragizawa-kun had said, sometimes it's good to be selfish. A long time ago, it was enough for me to see the person that I love happy but it was time that I was. And I was prepared for it. I wanted it and needed it. I want happiness.
"This is it Tomoyo, ready or not." I repeated over and over again. My new list of dreams was coming together. I smiled. How silly of me that I was sitting on a tree thinking all this and waiting. That person was coming for sure. But in the meantime, I was happy to wait. To look up at the blue sky that looked like the Pacific Ocean. This was my next step and I was ready.
----------------
To be continued... With Eriol's Ichiban chapter.... All the unanswered questions. And all the list of dreams.