Author's Notes #1: The Sixth Chapter of the ICHIBAN series. Now it's
Eriol's turn to share with us a bit of his life. There's a splash of London
here, a dash of Tomoyo-chan there, Suppi-chan stops by and even Nakuru.
Since Eriol isn't really a Tomoeda student, this was written in third
person rather than first. I think it works better for the one who always
has a sly smile. So will it be a love story? Sure it will. But for whom? I
can't really tell you about that. Oh! If you're a Harry Potter fan, well
there's even a pinch of that in this story too.
AN #2: You don't really have to read the other stories in order to get this one. Tomoyo-chan's chapter is weaved in this story so you might want to read her's first. There's even a little mention of Yamazaki-kun's story in this chapter. I wonder if you can catch it.
-------Eriol, Tomoyo, and The Search for Happiness--------
ICHIBAN
Hiiragizawa Eriol walked along the quiet streets of his suburban neighborhood just outside the hustle and bustle of the city. Walking during the early mornings was one of the many things Eriol enjoyed doing and being Eriol, he liked doing many things even when he liked to keep these certain things on the down low. It was better to do things in a subtle manner than doing something outlandish, was his thinking. One of these things would be sneaking sweets inside Spinel Sun's lunch so the little one can be hyper all day long with big happy eyes and a pure red blush of happiness on his cheeks. That really cracked him up, even if he knew Spinel Sun would be mad and quiet all the more.
"Don't you ever stop? This is not amusing anymore," said Spinel Sun with his back to him reading a newspaper. "You're too old for this."
Eriol just smiled at this. Spinel Sun was always amusing whenever he was hyper and when he was angry. Eriol couldn't help it. No matter what Spinel did the creature was just cute. Eriol's eyes twinkled behind his glasses just thinking about it. "You can never be too old," he said to himself.
What else did Eriol like? Well Eriol liked to write, he liked to read various books in his library, he also liked manipulating the lovely Sakura- san and Li-kun, whom he nicknamed his "cute decendent" much to Li-kun's horror. But he didn't exactly call his manipulating them "manipulating", he just loved how innocent they were to so many things. He loved to see his Cute decendant's angry red face and Sakura-san's innocent looking eyes. He still couldn't believe how they bought that chocolate story he and Yamazaki- kun came up with back when he was still in Tomoeda. He really missed those times. In fact, if he wasn't so far away, he would still do what he did best to his two favorite people. Of course, since he was older and wiser now, he was even more subtle and nonchalant in what he did, those two would still never know what hit them.
Eriol also liked the autumn and the dew left on flowers during the mornings. He remembered how in the very early hours, he would be awakened by Kaho so they can see the sun rise together, then pick fresh flowers for the breakfast table. Flowers that still contained the dew beads on their petals. Kaho always made sure they saw the sunrise together because she said it symbolized another new beginning for both of them together. He wondered, as he walked along the streets that were still quiet and abandoned and sleeping, if he can still catch that sunrise again to see that new beginning and the dew drops on the flower petals.
"Can I ask for a favor, Hiiragizawa-kun?" She was very quick on the phone. Right when he said hello, or rather when Nakuru answered and the phone was handed to him, she started speaking in a hurried but very polite fashion. He instantly knew who it was. Who else had a soft whispery voice that sounded so proper? She continued to explain to him about the music academy and if it was alright if can he pick her up. "But if you're going to be busy then that is all right. I can always ask one of my mother's friends that live there. It would be nice if I can see an old friend again..."
If he had not stopped her from talking, she would have probably continued. "Daidouji-san, it wouldn't be a problem at all. I'll see you at the airport." He couldn't help but feel concered about that phone call. Although Daidouji-san had sent him letters before, she rarely called him. The last time he had spoken to her or seen her was in the fifth grade. How long was that now? Almost five years wasn't it?
"Who was that?" Kaho was behind him, holding a tray full of biscuits and hot tea. She looked concerned.
"Daidouji-san," he answered. "She's going to attend the music academy near by. She wanted to know if I can pick her up at the airport."
As expected, Sakura-san called a few hours later crying on the phone while explaining what was happening. The thing was though... Sakura-san didn't really need to explain about her friend's decision to come to another country. Eriol already knew the reason and when he looked at Kaho's worried face sitting next to him by the sofa, he knew that she knew. It really wasn't hard. Both of them knew how it felt like. Maybe they had already known even when they said goodbye years ago outside the gates of his Tomoeda house. Daidouji-san certainly knew how to keep many things locked up inside her. Things that only she can ever know. Daidouji-san, even if Eriol didn't know her well enough, also knew that while everyone would also try to hide their feelings from her or from anyone else, she seemed to be the only person that can see through them like glass. When most everyone else was blind towards her, her eyes were certainly clear when it concerned everyone else. She knew his cute decendants feelings, absolutely knew Sakura-san's feelings, she even saw his own deep love for Kaho... all she had to do was look at his eyes and smiled this small gentle smile that complimented her beautiful, subtle face very well. He'll always remember that and the words she had said to him. "Hiiragizawa-kun, you have very kind eyes." He promised himself that if and when he had a chance to meet her again, he wanted to tell her the same thing. She really did have kind eyes and a kind heart even when she faced such loss and heartbreak.
Days later he and Kaho waited by the arrival gates at the airport. Kaho couldn't help but be happy about seeing one of her students again and her excitement made him quite excited too even though Daidouji-san must have felt the opposite. After an hour delay, Daidouji-san walked towards the gates dragging two heavy looking lugagges and a carry-on bag. He and Kaho immediately ran to her, hugged her, then helped her with all her belongings. They said their greetings and their usual talk of flights and bad airplane food. Then Kaho immediately taking Daidouji-san in her arms once more, hugging her like a mother or sister would. Eriol always loved seeing Kaho like that, just her ability to be simple, unguarded, and happy. Daidouji-san's arrival meant a new change, he can see that in the way Daidouji-san breathed in the London air and the way she smiled. She did this in her usual subtle way but Eriol saw it and though he didn't know it then, her arrival had also given him a new outlook on life as well.
As soon as Daidouji-san was situated in her own apartment, he made sure to show her around. Kaho went along with their sightseeing whenever she had free time. Often times in the beginning, Daidouji-san just stayed quiet and seemed like she was taking in everything that the city had to offer. Whenever she did decide to talk, she would gush about how different the foods were, how different chocolate tasted in England and how it tasted in Japan, she said she liked the fog that appeared in most mornings and even insisted to go to the subways with him even when he had his own car to drive around in. "It's just like Harry Potter. Maybe we'll see the infamous Platform 9 and 3/4." She laughed at that. Eriol, whom she said somewhat resembled Potter-san was even made to ask a guard if he was able to direct them to the infamous platform.
The guard was not amused. "You think that's funny do you?" He scoffed. "You know how many times punks like you ask me that?"
It didn't matter. Daidouji-san had laughed and he too had laughed. It was a rare moment when he was able to act his physical age and can actually express the laughter he sometimes kept inside him. It was probably a rare moment for Daidouji-san also. Back in Tomoeda whenever they had a chance to talk to each other, she gave off an aura of mystery for him. She was mature, she was very smart, spoke in a very mature way and like he already knew long before, she can see through everyone. She had a very kind heart. Didn't he also promise himself that when he was able to, he was going to tell her that she had "kind eyes" as well? He figured though that it wasn't the right time, because he was just getting to know her after all. Though Daidouji-san never talked about her feelings he knew that she was still hurting. She was trying to let go slowly and he was willing to help her with that, even if she never really asked him for the help. Like any friend, he was worried about her. Sakura-san would call, sometimes even Li- kun called to ask him about Daidouji-san and he would just say that she was doing fine. He wasn't lying about that. She really was but he can also tell that she was still hiding. She can see blue skies, see the blooming flowers but he wondered if she can really see their true beauty. Only someone that was truly happy can see and appreciate them. He learned that from Kaho because it was Kaho that made him see, when he had felt lost. That was a long time ago though, before he even went to Tomoeda, before everything happened. Back then he felt like he didn't belong anywhere. Felt like he was a tool with all these magic powers he never asked for. What good was magic when you have nothing and felt nothing? Then suddenly she came along and he was reborn. All his depressed feelings melted away and he began to live again and began to like many many things. It felt great. He wanted Daidouji-san to feel that way too. If happiness and love changed him, he was sure Daidouji-san can see that kind of happiness too.
"Maybe if she can meet someone," suggested Kaho one evening. "What do you think?" She looked out into their garden and at the roses that were sure to be moistened by dew by early morning. "I mean, just a friend you know. Someone that she can talk to. She must miss... I mean, she can always talk to us but I think she needs someone different from us..." Kaho found it difficult to explain but he knew what she meant and he knew the perfect someone.
Maria was one of his very old friends who used to live next door to him. She would come over sometimes and was always so inquisitive about everything that looked strange in his house, which if you think about it, was pretty much everything. She especially like Spinel Sun who had to pretend to be some creature called a cat which to Spinel Sun, was like an abomination. She also liked talking to Nakuru who was always happy because Maria was cute and anything cute and sweet Nakuru liked. He liked Maria's company, like Daidouji-san she was also smart, very polite, and had a gift for music. She can play the flute and was studying classical opera. They would certainly hit it off for sure. Well at least he hoped so and as soon as he told Maria about Daidouji-san she agreed.
"I think it would be interesting," she said.
The next day, he knew instantly where to find Daidouji-san, well with a little help from what little magic he had left, that is. He caught sight of Daidouji-san sitting alone, reading a book outside a tea house called The Mystery Tea Leaf. He thought the name was quite odd, but he had passed the place once before. In fact, Kaho was talking about how the back of the building had a shrine where various tea leaves of mysterious orgin were scattered everywhere for decoration and that they should visit one day.
"I have a friend," he said putting a hand on her shoulder. She immediately jumped in surprise. He sat down on the chair across from her, taking a drink from her tea cup. It was an odd combination he thought but it did taste interesting and sweet. He gave her his usual smile hoping that she'll agree to meet Maria. Though she returned his smile, she still continued to being her usual quiet, open, yet hiding self. It was just like Daidouji-san to pretend like that when she should know that he can see through her already and understand her. It wasn't that hard to understand her. She was just like him in someways, he can admit to that. She looked scared and nervous.
"Really, if you don't mind Hiiragizawa-kun, I would like to be alone so I can study."
So she still isn't able to let go after all, he was thinking. "You and I are the same in many ways. A long time ago I thought only seeing the one that was important to me... I thought just watching them smile was enough happiness for me to live on. But Daidouji-san, that's not true is it? Just watching isn't enough is it? Maybe it's being selfish, maybe it's another reason but it's not enough just to see them happy. Those reasons are selfish too, Daidouji-san. Do you realize that? Because it's running away too isn't it? Daidouji-san, are you really happy this way? Do you really see the blue sky today? Do you smell the fresh air? Do you really hear the birds chirping on that tree? Do you see the flowers that are blooming in those trees?"
Those were the only words he was able to say to her. He wanted to say more, comfort her, say something... anything, just to see her really smile, like the kind she used everytime she was in the presence of Sakura-san. When her face glowed and her eyes twinkled. That was how he remembered her and he didn't want that to disappear. He wanted to tell her that too but he sighed and just walked away again. Hoping, maybe wishing, that she'll stop pretending and hiding behind a smile.
Like any friend he was worried. He wondered, as he walked that long way back to his house if Daidouji-san had decided to meet Maria after all. "Those two would be good together," he told Kaho.
"You're not trying to be match maker again are you?" Kaho asked, with a slight smile on her face. "Remember the last time you played that role? You completely got it all wrong."
Yes. Yes. He remembered that one. How can he ever forget that? He completely almost changed not only Sakura-san's destiny, but Tsukishiro- san's and his cute decendant's as well. Their lives would have been completely different if they had not followed their own true destiny but followed the one he made for them instead. "I'm really glad I got that one wrong," he said.
"Well, I wonder if they really did meet though." Kaho said. "I miss Daidouji-san's happy face."
He agreed but he was pretty sure Daidouji-san was out to prove him wrong. She was not the kind of person that can be beaten down by words. He hoped that their meeting was a pleasant one. He still was always worried about her. Though he knew that Daidouji-san can take care of herself, he felt like it was his responsibility to look out for her too. Even after she called to thank him about having her meet Maria, he still worried, as any friend. "I'm still here if you need me, Daidouji-san," he told her.
"I know," she said. "Thank you for taking care of me."
Before he knew it, as quickly as the sun would rise and set, a year had passed. Daidouji-san's first year at the academy had gone on without any problems. Despite the uniform the girls had to wear at the academy, whenever he went out to lunch with her or went with her for a cup of tea at their usual place at The Mystery Tea Leaf, Eriol saw how much she had changed even from the clothes she was wearing. If she wasn't wearing the uniform, she instead wore jeans and t-shirts, sweatshirts and jean jackets. It was a far cry from the clothing she always wore that made her look to him as a very proper lady. Now she looked like her age. She looked very young and alive. He was happy for her and loved spending time with her, if she weren't busy being with Maria of course. Still... there was still something sad about Daidouji-san. Something he really couldn't pinpoint. Was she still afraid to let go?
Being with Daidouji-san also made him feel young. For Eriol, it seemed he never really had a childhood. Things went too quickly for him. He was always the grown up even when he had that quirky streak in him that loved to trick Spinel Sun and others without them suspecting him. Then again, Spinel Sun was so used to it, he knew that Eriol was the only culprit. But he wanted something more than that. How old was he supposed to be now? About seventeen wasn't it? He wanted, maybe just once in his life to run around, to go to a concert, to go to Buckingham Palace and chastise the stone faced guards until they squirm. He was never much of a child at all, never had a childhood and Daidouji-san made him feel like his age even if it's just for the afternoon. Once in awhile if they were feeling especially silly, they would still ask the various subway guards where Platform 9 and 3/4 was or if they've seen a lost owl named Hedwig because he lost it while buying tokens.
The guard would always say the same thing. "You think that's funny do you? Do you know how many punks like you ask me that?" They were always different guards but they always say the same thing. Sometimes it was even funnier to hear the guard's response or witness their reactions than pretending to be some kind of Hogwarts student because Eriol didn't look like much of a punk at all. How can such a straight laced young person wearing dress pants and a sweater with a nicely pressed shirt and tie underneath, ask such silly questions in such a serious straight laced way?
It was just liberating he supposed. He felt like laughing out loud which he has never done before. Daidouji-san's laughter, although there was still something missing behind it all, was contagious. He couldn't help but join her. She was still in her old habit of covering her mouth while she laughed, that polite way of doing things but he didn't care. It felt pretty good to be a teenager. He just wished that Daidouji-san would one day fill that something missing in her. He wished he can fill it up whatever that missing piece was. Was it really that painful? He always asked himself that whenever he was with her. Of course it was. He understood that later on.
"Eriol, where have you been?" As soon as he got home, Kaho was asking him questions. She looked worried yet mad at the same time and Kaho was never mad. "Don't you remember what we were supposed to do tonight? I mean, it doesn't matter to me, but you could have said something."
"I was with Daidouji-san," he simply said. "I'm sorry."
"You've been spending a lot of time with her lately." She looked away. Eriol noticed that she was dressed to go out but then she started to take her hair down, looking at herself in the mirror that hung in the hallway. She started to take her makeup off and her coat. "I've been waiting for tonight. I was really excited. It's been awhile since I've seen a musical. Since we went out together."
Eriol didn't know what to say. He can apologize and apologize but it wouldn't really make a difference. He was completely forgetting everything. It wasn't like him.What was happening exactly? He watched Kaho walk towards the garden. From the open doorway he can see that the moon had shone through the black sky like a bright spotlight. Stars spread out everywhere. Kaho always liked sitting out in their garden especially at night so she can see the constellations. It was a Japanese garden that he had designed especially for her because he remembered how much she admired them. He took his sweater off and loosened his tie, following her lead. She was sitting on a bench with her back to him. Her long red hair shining in the moonlight. He wanted to say something. Anything really. That he was stupid for forgetting, that he got caught up, that he'd make everything better. Yet, he and Kaho knew each other so well that he didn't need to say that but he found himself not moving any closer to even comfort her. He leaned against the doorframe waiting for her to say something.
"Where do you go whenever you're with her?" She asked softly, without looking at him.
He sighed, staring at his shoes. "Daidouji-san just needs a friend. I want to be there for her."
"So you're making her happy?"
"But it's nothing like that. She's missing something. I want to know what that is."
"And you think you can fulfill that?"
"I just want to try."
"Eriol, you can't make everyone happy just like that. They have to feel it for themselves." He was waiting for her to turn around, to look at him. He wanted to look at her face, her eyes. He wanted to say something... yet he just couldn't do it.
For all the years he had known Kaho, he was always sure about his feelings for her. All he had to do was look at her smile or the way she talked about her students so passionately or even when she would often times forget where she placed her things, it was just there. Those feelings so full and so alive that he always felt very complete. He can remember years before when he had doubts about their relationship. Sometimes when they went out together, people would give them their usual stares, their usual whispers, their usual snickers. They thought Kaho was his mother or his sister or anyone other than who she really was. Because of those things, he had many doubts. Why on earth did she ever decide to be with him. She was this beautiful, smart, and caring woman and yet here he was stuck inside a body of a child. Those were the days when he was very unsure of himself, about who he was, before he really "lived", before he appeared in Tomoeda.
What did she say to him then? "Don't think about it," her voice was soft and sweet, her eyes understanding. "I knew it was going to be you before I ever met you. I'll wait for you, Eriol. Even if it's forever."
Now that he was older, seventeen now was it? He was taller then her, he actually looked like someone that can really be with her. Those stares and whispers were gone. Kaho never even aged. She looked like the same woman he met long ago. Always understanding, always kind, always aloof and forgetful. Always Kaho. Why then, did he find it so difficult to speak to her? It seemed like the life he was leading before Daidouji-san arrived, seemed so very different from the life he was leading now that he was spending time with her. Maybe it was because they were the same "age", they had the same interests, they even had the same odd quirks, like finding enjoyment in embarassing Sakura-san and Li-kun and liked the same little things like tea combinations. Other than Maria and his days in Tomoeda, he never really spent time with anyone that was the age he was supposed to be. Maybe it was the experience of being young was what he wanted. He didn't know. His feelings were all over the place. He wanted Daidouji-san to be happy, he wanted Kaho happy. HE wanted to be happy. But what did it really take for him to achieve all that? He thought he was already happy but now he just wasn't sure. He had to question his feelings which he had never done before. He kept staring at Kaho's back, her hair turning silver violet from the light of the moon.
"You know," he said, after a long silence. "You never wake me up anymore to see the sunrise."
"That's because you look too peaceful to wake up. Besides, I figured you don't really like that stuff anymore."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because you're never really home anymore. I don't know..." She sighed, looking up at the stars. "I don't know where you go, I don't know what you do, you never really talk to me anymore. I mean, really talk to me. Even Suppi-chan and Nakuru-san wonder about you. But even so, even with all that, I look at you and I've never seen you happier."
He was silent, sliding down to the floor, his back against the door frame. The house was dark, quiet, the only light was from the moon and street lamps that can be seen over their high hedges. He wondered where Spinel Sun and Nakuru had disappeared to but he didn't ask. "It's just Daidouji-san, that's all. There's nothing to worry about." He whispered to himself and to her.
"It's not your responsibility to make her happy. She has to do that on her own. You can't help everyone."
"That's just it, Kaho." What was he trying to say? Why was he feeling so hopeless? "That's not the only reason. Whenever I'm with her, whenever I am around her, I feel happy too. Just like you said." He shook his head. Of all things, why was he telling Kaho all this, when it hurt him to even spill it out. "I don't know what I'm talking about."
"Eriol... do you... have feelings for her?" She said it so quietly, so slowly that he wasn't even sure if he heard it right. It was so unexpected, just out of the blue.
"What?" He asked, so startled that even his voice cracked.
"Have you fallen in love with her?"
"Of course not." He said quickly. "What kind of question is that?"
"Are you sure?" She finally turned his way but it was so dark he can only see part of her face. Only her hair still glowed like some kind of hailo.
"Why do you even question it?" His voice cracked again. Why was she even asking? She already knew the answer to that. She was the only one forever, the only one he thought about.
"I can sense it in you. I can sense your confusion. I can sense your doubts. I know you like a book."
"If you know me like that, then you should know it's just you that I..." He stopped. He couldn't even see her face anymore. What was he trying to say? She was wrong for sure. She didn't know what she was talking about. If you know me so well... he wanted to say... why are you doubting me? But more than that, why was he doubting himself? All of a sudden he didn't know how to feel and what to say. What she was saying couldn't really be the truth, but if it wasn't, then why did he stop when he was about to say that she was the only one for him?
She walked towards him. "Whatever your doubts Eriol, I hope you'll find the answer. After all, all I want is for you to be happy." Without another word, she went inside the dark house. Her faint perfume lingered in the air when she passed him. They smelled of wild flowers, a smell that was just distinctively hers. Kaho's high heels clicked further away on the wooden floors. He sat there, his back still against the door frame listening to the sound until he couldn't hear it anymore.
The next morning when he went to look for her, she was gone. Only a plain white note was left on his nightstand. "The sunrise is beautiful. I hope you'll catch it once again." He turned the note around to see if she had written more. He knew though that she had not. Just looking for more than what was there made him not want to think about what really was there. He couldn't even think straight. It took him a long time to even get out of bed. The sick feeling of emptiness stuck to him and pricked at him all over his body. It took him even longer to get out of the house.
"You have to get out of here, Idiot!" Nakuru yelled at him, from the open door way of the library. It was the first time Nakuru ever became commanding. Usually it was Spinel Sun who said things like that to him.
"Leave me alone," he said.
"Stop wallowing like an idiot. You're the one who did this to yourself. Go on. Decide what you think is right. You're so insistant on wanting everyone else to be happy yet you can't even decide what your happiness is." Nakuru left him, without even giving him a time to respond. Next time, he told himself, if he had another chance to create another creature, he would definitely make sure that the creature won't be able to talk back or yell at him about things he didn't want to face. Nakuru was right though. He needed to answer his doubts or else he just couldn't live with himself anymore.
He met Daidouji-san at The Mystery Tea Leaf.
"So, you must be happy," he told her while sipping a cup of white and blueberry tea. "You and Maria must be hitting it off." He gave her a small smile, all the while he couldn't help but think about how much prettier she was, sitting there in front of him. She had cut her hair short, the ends just touching her shoulders. She was certainly different from the last time he had seen her. She seemed revived, full of life. She seemed very happy, the very opposite of what he was feeling.
"Maria and I..." she paused. She put her tea cup down, blotting the corners of her mouth with a napkin. "Well, I still need to see if this is right for me. I mean... she told me she understands. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it."
He looked sorry he ever said anything. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"No, no..." She put her head to the side and smiled. Really smiled. Something Eriol observed was different from the smile that she had given him in the past. This was a smile that was somewhat happy. "It's not something to apologize for. I think I just need to let go of some things... that's all. I just want to know. I want to know if it's really love or if it's something else. I want to feel it in my heart." She smiled again, drinking her tea. "Anyway... that's just how I feel I guess..." Her eyes focused on him. "How about you? How are you Hiiragizawa-kun?"
"You changed your hairstyle," he said instead. Pretending he did not hear her question. How soft her face was, how delicate her hands were. Even when she was wearing jeans with holes in them and a black leather jacket, she still couldn't help but act like a lady. "You're like how you should look."
She looked confused but gave him a small laugh that she hid behind her hand. "What does that mean?"
He shrugged. "You look like yourself, Daidouji-san." He wasn't lying, she really did.
"Thank-you," another small, comfortable, beautiful laughter hidden behind a soft, porcelain-like, hand. "I guess." She was watching him, observing him. Again she asked him a question he didn't want to answer. She asked it slowly, carefully as to not make him uncomfortable. "Is there anything wrong?"
Again, he ignored it. "Daidouji-san... what would you say if I take you to dinner?" He asked quickly, instead.
"I would like to," she answered.
It's been months since he'd been out, so when Daidouji-san had accepted his invitation he was relieved. He waited for her outside the restaurant that was near his house and the music academy. "So we don't have to drive around so much," she said. It was autumn and a bit cold. He breathed in the fresh nippy air, which instantly filled his insides with such comfort even though he was still lost and very empty. The only times he felt alive was when he was with Daidouji-san. But that feeling of being alive... it just felt different. His heart still hurt, he still couldn't sleep, even just the simple things like looking out his bedroom window at night or the slight breeze that made his curtains wave gently in the night, made him think about... It's always the little things, he thought sadly.
"Hiiragizawa-kun! There you are!" Daidouji-san was walking towards him, waving her hand. "I'm sorry I'm late."
"It's no problem," he said, trying to smile his usual gentle smile. "I just got here myself."
"You look great," Daidouji-san always managed to compliment everyone even though she was the one that looked beautiful. With her short hair in curls, her black dress shining in the dark. Does she know how wonderful she really is?
"Daidouji-san, you look very beautiful."
They spend their dinner by candle light. Laughing at old jokes and the old days of when everyone was in Tomoeda. Yamazaki-kun's tall tales, class plays that were penned by Naoko-chan. Daidouji-san even told him the story about the two sided coin with plus signs on them that he had given to Yamazaki-kun as a goodbye gift. "He used it against Chiharu-chan once during this dance we had. Chiharu-chan was really happy." Eriol smiled. He knew that no one else BUT Yamazaki-kun could put something like that to good use.
"Hiiragizawa-kun?" Daidouji-san touched his arm as soon as they stepped outside after their dinner was over.
"What is it?"
"Let's go to that shrine behind The Mystery Tea Leaf, what do you say?"
He agreed. They found a taxi right away that took them there in less than ten minutes. It swerved in and out of traffic, going to alleys, breaking and speeding. It seemed almost comical but they got there alive and well. The driver happy to drop them off because they were his last customers after a long day and night.
The shrine behind The Mystery Tea Leaf seemed quiet and forlorn. Two other couples were there other than them. It looked just like any shrine that were scattered all over Tokyo, except it had that touch of western flair. Orange lanterns lighting the whole place making everything, even their clothes and skin turn into some dark orange hue. A lone flute soundtrack played through an invisible speaker system. Tea leaves of mysterious orgin scattered everywhere looking like fallen leaves. For some reason, the place reminded Eriol of an old time black and white painting. The shrine looked very lonely. He was almost expecting a crow to come down to eat the scattered tea leaves.
He followed Daidouji-san to a small man made pond where its wooden bottom were filled with coins. "Let's make a wish," he said to her, handing her a coin.
They made silent wishes, closing their eyes, their hands clasped together. It was getting dark, the half moon so bright that its vivid reflection showed through the pond like an upside down smile or a slice of an apple. It seemed like you can grab it just like that, like how Narcissus tried to grab his own beautiful reflection.
"Daidouji-san.... " Eriol said softly, still looking at the reflection of the moon. "You know... Kaho left me."
From the corner of his eye, he can see the reaction on her face when she turned to look at him. "I'm sorry," came her whispered reply.
"You shouldn't apologize. It isn't your fault." Eriol still focused his gaze on the moon's reflection. "It's strange isn't it? I feel like a hypocrite. Here I am telling you how you should find that happiness, yet I can't even find the answers to my own."
"Everyone has doubts, Hiiragizawa-kun, it's just that one day, the right one will be there and you won't feel those doubts anymore. You'll feel it in your heart." She moved in closer to him, her short hair covering her profile as she looked down at the pond. "I learned to live with that concept."
"It was you, Daidouji-san. Somewhere in my heart, I thought I really loved you."
"Somewhere in my heart, I thought I fell in love with you too." She said this with such a soft voice that if she wasn't standing right next to him, he wouldn't have heard. "I thought I was crazy."
"I wanted to be sure. That's why I asked you to be here."
"That's why I said yes."
"Daidouji-san, since you came here, you made me see another side of myself that I never knew existed.... You see, I was always an adult. Treated and acted like an adult, I didn't know any other way. I was a child but I never was one. I didn't even know how to handle it. When I'm with you, I want to laugh out loud. I want to scream and run around. I've never done that before. It felt great and everytime I did those things with you, everytime I heard you laugh, I wanted to hear that more and more. I fell in love with you just by you being like that because I was never like that."
"But its because of you that I was able to do that as well. If I was by myself, I would never dare go up to those guards and tell them old Harry Potter jokes. I guess in away... I fell in love with you because you were like that. You had the guts. So polite, yet you have that dark streak. I want that. How do you do it?" She smiled at him. Ah, yet another smile that wasn't hiding anything. He was glad he saw it yet again.
Eriol smiled back. "That's a secret." He reached out to take her hand in his. "I'm glad I told you."
"Hiiragizawa-kun, you know... I don't think you ever doubted. You knew all along who you loved, didn't you? You just liked the fun. That dark streak in you just wanted to be let out." She made Eriol laugh for the first time, in a long time.
"No, that's not true. I do love you Daidouji-san. I'm glad I got to know you even more. I'm glad I was able to become your friend. I've never met anyone quite like you."
"You're lucky you know," she said, rummaging through her purse, looking for something. "Mizuki-sensei loves you so much that she was willing to let you go. And you love her so much that you can't even think of replacing her. I can see that in you, Hiiragizawa-kun. You've never doubted. Whenever I mention her name, your face lights up. You talk about her with so much feeling. It's just like Sakura-chan and Li-kun. Everytime I look at them, they look like you do now." She handed him a folded piece of white paper that seemed to be folded over and over again and read many times.
"What's this?" He asked.
"My list of dreams. I made it before I left Tomoeda." She waited for him to open it up. "You see, I thought that I had fallen in love once, the kind of love that truly defined me as a person and I was wrong at that time. I thought I had fallen in love again," another smile from her. "But it didn't feel the same. It felt like I had to love instead of wanting and feeling that love. It confused me and upset me and it hurt me... But now I understand it. I think we both do."
Eriol didn't know what to say. He unfolded the piece of paper, looking at her list, each one of them with a check mark next to it, completed and achieved. Except for the last. "To achieve happiness with the one I love," he read, then looked at her. "I hope that you do. If there was anyone in the world who can fulfill this dream, it would be you."
"It's time for both of us to fulfill that dream." She opened her other hand to show him an unused eraser. "But you already achieved that a long time ago, huh?"
Eriol smiled. "What is that?" He asked, looking at the eraser she was holding. "A symbol to erase the past?"
Daidouji-san gave a small giggle. "Funny. You know you can't erase the past. But you can learn to let go, right?" She gently traced the dark letters of the eraser. "You see, this is my most treasured possession. Sakura-chan gave it to me in the fourth grade. After that, she became my best friend. It's still the one thing that I hold dear to me." Ever so slowly, she brought the eraser to her lips to kiss, then dropped it in the pond, it gave off one tiny sound, like one lone water droplet falling from a faucet. It sank slowly until it reached the wooden bottom. "So I'll always know that my wish will come true, ne?" All of a sudden, he felt a small butterfly kiss on his cheek. "Ganbate, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"Ganbate," he hugged her tightly. "You always have such kind eyes, Daidouji- san, I really hope you'll find happiness."
The next day, Eriol wondered, as he walked along the streets that were still quiet and abandoned and sleeping, if he can still catch that sunrise again someday to see that new beginning and the dew drops on the flower petals. He wondered if he was too late. The sun was still dim, not yet over the horizon.
"Was the sunrise beautiful?" He asked, when he arrived. He stayed a few paces behind her. She was leaning against a tree, its yellow folliage like an umbrella that draped over her. "I'm sorry I was too late."
"You missed it by mere seconds." She said.
"I was afraid that I would never see you again."
"I'm always here catching the sunrise."
"When you left, I felt like I wasn't real anymore. When you left, I felt empty. I want to never change anything again. I love you. I loved you since the day I met you. That's all I can say."
"That's all you have to say," she said. "I understand. I told you before. I'll wait for you, even if it's forever."
He went to her placing his hand on her warm, soft cheek. "You don't have to wait anymore." He leaned down to kiss her, the feel of her mouth against his was like heaven, soft, tender, warm, he wanted it to last forever... just kissing her there with the sun slowly rising. This was what he lived for. How his heart felt full again and so complete. How her faint wild flower scent felt like home, like warmth filling him up with every kind of emotion, of every kind of love. Being with her, being this close, was what he always wanted. The very meaning of his own kind of happiness.
--------
Fate as you know it can come in many different ways. As Eriol and Kaho walked home hand in hand, they decided to stop by at the park, the place where the ducks swam freely. Up on a tree they saw a smiling Daidouji-san looking up at the blue blue sky, lost in her own thoughts whatever that may be. A blue bird right next to her.
Fate as you know it can come any time and as they looked to see who was coming to also see the ducks that swam on the pond was Maria reading a book completely oblivious to anything around her, for if she wasn't so lost in her reading she would notice that there was someone up on a tree right above her trying to catch a blue bird.
Eriol smiled. What an opportunity he thought. For he was also thinking of Fate and how funny it was sometimes. He closed his eyes. Twitched his lips a little and then...
"Tomoyo?"
"Maria?" Tomoyo didn't know what happened. Suddenly she was up on that tree, the next, she was falling, landing on top of Maria. "You broke my fall." She said.
"Jeez. I thought that was it for me. Dead, just like that. What were you doing up there?"
"I was looking up at the sky and then I saw a bird. Then I fell. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Are you hurt anywhere?"
"Not really, but I thought all of a sudden God had it out for me and sent an angel to take me to heaven or something."
Tomoyo smiled. "Maybe you're not really wrong on that part."
"Huh?"
From where they stood, Eriol and Kaho can hear the light laughter of Daidouji-san.
Kaho let go of his hand, smiling in a playful way, her eyes accusing. "You didn't by any chance go and make her fall did you? That same thing happened once before."
Eriol kissed her on the cheek, "I don't know what you're talking about," he said, with a smile on his face, his eyes twinkling behind his glasses. He took her hand in his again and headed for home. "Really, why would I do a thing like that?"
--------------
AN #3: Well, that's it. Eriol's story with a little bit of Tomoyo. I know a lot of people who read this are probably disappointed that it isn't a TxE love story but honestly, I tried to write one but I just couldn't do it. One because I can't see it. Two because if you read those pages of the 12th manga volume at all, Eriol is completely in love with Kaho and only Kaho. Even Tomoyo saw it and she even told him. I can't see Eriol and Tomoyo together even in a fanfiction world and though they may look good together and probably have a lot of things similar with each other, they just aren't right in connecting with each other in my opinion and if I ever write about them ending up together somehow, they would be way too OOC. So Kaho and Eriol it is. I hope those of you who read this will like it none the less.
AN #4: I doubt that erasers sink when you throw it in a pond but hey its my story so it sinks. Maybe Eriol had put a spell on it to make it sink as well.
Only Rika, Chiharu, and Syaoran are left. So I wonder who will be next. Thank you for your comments with this series of mine that started in 2001. Your comments and emails have been a great motivation for me to keep going.
Cindy
AN #2: You don't really have to read the other stories in order to get this one. Tomoyo-chan's chapter is weaved in this story so you might want to read her's first. There's even a little mention of Yamazaki-kun's story in this chapter. I wonder if you can catch it.
-------Eriol, Tomoyo, and The Search for Happiness--------
ICHIBAN
Hiiragizawa Eriol walked along the quiet streets of his suburban neighborhood just outside the hustle and bustle of the city. Walking during the early mornings was one of the many things Eriol enjoyed doing and being Eriol, he liked doing many things even when he liked to keep these certain things on the down low. It was better to do things in a subtle manner than doing something outlandish, was his thinking. One of these things would be sneaking sweets inside Spinel Sun's lunch so the little one can be hyper all day long with big happy eyes and a pure red blush of happiness on his cheeks. That really cracked him up, even if he knew Spinel Sun would be mad and quiet all the more.
"Don't you ever stop? This is not amusing anymore," said Spinel Sun with his back to him reading a newspaper. "You're too old for this."
Eriol just smiled at this. Spinel Sun was always amusing whenever he was hyper and when he was angry. Eriol couldn't help it. No matter what Spinel did the creature was just cute. Eriol's eyes twinkled behind his glasses just thinking about it. "You can never be too old," he said to himself.
What else did Eriol like? Well Eriol liked to write, he liked to read various books in his library, he also liked manipulating the lovely Sakura- san and Li-kun, whom he nicknamed his "cute decendent" much to Li-kun's horror. But he didn't exactly call his manipulating them "manipulating", he just loved how innocent they were to so many things. He loved to see his Cute decendant's angry red face and Sakura-san's innocent looking eyes. He still couldn't believe how they bought that chocolate story he and Yamazaki- kun came up with back when he was still in Tomoeda. He really missed those times. In fact, if he wasn't so far away, he would still do what he did best to his two favorite people. Of course, since he was older and wiser now, he was even more subtle and nonchalant in what he did, those two would still never know what hit them.
Eriol also liked the autumn and the dew left on flowers during the mornings. He remembered how in the very early hours, he would be awakened by Kaho so they can see the sun rise together, then pick fresh flowers for the breakfast table. Flowers that still contained the dew beads on their petals. Kaho always made sure they saw the sunrise together because she said it symbolized another new beginning for both of them together. He wondered, as he walked along the streets that were still quiet and abandoned and sleeping, if he can still catch that sunrise again to see that new beginning and the dew drops on the flower petals.
"Can I ask for a favor, Hiiragizawa-kun?" She was very quick on the phone. Right when he said hello, or rather when Nakuru answered and the phone was handed to him, she started speaking in a hurried but very polite fashion. He instantly knew who it was. Who else had a soft whispery voice that sounded so proper? She continued to explain to him about the music academy and if it was alright if can he pick her up. "But if you're going to be busy then that is all right. I can always ask one of my mother's friends that live there. It would be nice if I can see an old friend again..."
If he had not stopped her from talking, she would have probably continued. "Daidouji-san, it wouldn't be a problem at all. I'll see you at the airport." He couldn't help but feel concered about that phone call. Although Daidouji-san had sent him letters before, she rarely called him. The last time he had spoken to her or seen her was in the fifth grade. How long was that now? Almost five years wasn't it?
"Who was that?" Kaho was behind him, holding a tray full of biscuits and hot tea. She looked concerned.
"Daidouji-san," he answered. "She's going to attend the music academy near by. She wanted to know if I can pick her up at the airport."
As expected, Sakura-san called a few hours later crying on the phone while explaining what was happening. The thing was though... Sakura-san didn't really need to explain about her friend's decision to come to another country. Eriol already knew the reason and when he looked at Kaho's worried face sitting next to him by the sofa, he knew that she knew. It really wasn't hard. Both of them knew how it felt like. Maybe they had already known even when they said goodbye years ago outside the gates of his Tomoeda house. Daidouji-san certainly knew how to keep many things locked up inside her. Things that only she can ever know. Daidouji-san, even if Eriol didn't know her well enough, also knew that while everyone would also try to hide their feelings from her or from anyone else, she seemed to be the only person that can see through them like glass. When most everyone else was blind towards her, her eyes were certainly clear when it concerned everyone else. She knew his cute decendants feelings, absolutely knew Sakura-san's feelings, she even saw his own deep love for Kaho... all she had to do was look at his eyes and smiled this small gentle smile that complimented her beautiful, subtle face very well. He'll always remember that and the words she had said to him. "Hiiragizawa-kun, you have very kind eyes." He promised himself that if and when he had a chance to meet her again, he wanted to tell her the same thing. She really did have kind eyes and a kind heart even when she faced such loss and heartbreak.
Days later he and Kaho waited by the arrival gates at the airport. Kaho couldn't help but be happy about seeing one of her students again and her excitement made him quite excited too even though Daidouji-san must have felt the opposite. After an hour delay, Daidouji-san walked towards the gates dragging two heavy looking lugagges and a carry-on bag. He and Kaho immediately ran to her, hugged her, then helped her with all her belongings. They said their greetings and their usual talk of flights and bad airplane food. Then Kaho immediately taking Daidouji-san in her arms once more, hugging her like a mother or sister would. Eriol always loved seeing Kaho like that, just her ability to be simple, unguarded, and happy. Daidouji-san's arrival meant a new change, he can see that in the way Daidouji-san breathed in the London air and the way she smiled. She did this in her usual subtle way but Eriol saw it and though he didn't know it then, her arrival had also given him a new outlook on life as well.
As soon as Daidouji-san was situated in her own apartment, he made sure to show her around. Kaho went along with their sightseeing whenever she had free time. Often times in the beginning, Daidouji-san just stayed quiet and seemed like she was taking in everything that the city had to offer. Whenever she did decide to talk, she would gush about how different the foods were, how different chocolate tasted in England and how it tasted in Japan, she said she liked the fog that appeared in most mornings and even insisted to go to the subways with him even when he had his own car to drive around in. "It's just like Harry Potter. Maybe we'll see the infamous Platform 9 and 3/4." She laughed at that. Eriol, whom she said somewhat resembled Potter-san was even made to ask a guard if he was able to direct them to the infamous platform.
The guard was not amused. "You think that's funny do you?" He scoffed. "You know how many times punks like you ask me that?"
It didn't matter. Daidouji-san had laughed and he too had laughed. It was a rare moment when he was able to act his physical age and can actually express the laughter he sometimes kept inside him. It was probably a rare moment for Daidouji-san also. Back in Tomoeda whenever they had a chance to talk to each other, she gave off an aura of mystery for him. She was mature, she was very smart, spoke in a very mature way and like he already knew long before, she can see through everyone. She had a very kind heart. Didn't he also promise himself that when he was able to, he was going to tell her that she had "kind eyes" as well? He figured though that it wasn't the right time, because he was just getting to know her after all. Though Daidouji-san never talked about her feelings he knew that she was still hurting. She was trying to let go slowly and he was willing to help her with that, even if she never really asked him for the help. Like any friend, he was worried about her. Sakura-san would call, sometimes even Li- kun called to ask him about Daidouji-san and he would just say that she was doing fine. He wasn't lying about that. She really was but he can also tell that she was still hiding. She can see blue skies, see the blooming flowers but he wondered if she can really see their true beauty. Only someone that was truly happy can see and appreciate them. He learned that from Kaho because it was Kaho that made him see, when he had felt lost. That was a long time ago though, before he even went to Tomoeda, before everything happened. Back then he felt like he didn't belong anywhere. Felt like he was a tool with all these magic powers he never asked for. What good was magic when you have nothing and felt nothing? Then suddenly she came along and he was reborn. All his depressed feelings melted away and he began to live again and began to like many many things. It felt great. He wanted Daidouji-san to feel that way too. If happiness and love changed him, he was sure Daidouji-san can see that kind of happiness too.
"Maybe if she can meet someone," suggested Kaho one evening. "What do you think?" She looked out into their garden and at the roses that were sure to be moistened by dew by early morning. "I mean, just a friend you know. Someone that she can talk to. She must miss... I mean, she can always talk to us but I think she needs someone different from us..." Kaho found it difficult to explain but he knew what she meant and he knew the perfect someone.
Maria was one of his very old friends who used to live next door to him. She would come over sometimes and was always so inquisitive about everything that looked strange in his house, which if you think about it, was pretty much everything. She especially like Spinel Sun who had to pretend to be some creature called a cat which to Spinel Sun, was like an abomination. She also liked talking to Nakuru who was always happy because Maria was cute and anything cute and sweet Nakuru liked. He liked Maria's company, like Daidouji-san she was also smart, very polite, and had a gift for music. She can play the flute and was studying classical opera. They would certainly hit it off for sure. Well at least he hoped so and as soon as he told Maria about Daidouji-san she agreed.
"I think it would be interesting," she said.
The next day, he knew instantly where to find Daidouji-san, well with a little help from what little magic he had left, that is. He caught sight of Daidouji-san sitting alone, reading a book outside a tea house called The Mystery Tea Leaf. He thought the name was quite odd, but he had passed the place once before. In fact, Kaho was talking about how the back of the building had a shrine where various tea leaves of mysterious orgin were scattered everywhere for decoration and that they should visit one day.
"I have a friend," he said putting a hand on her shoulder. She immediately jumped in surprise. He sat down on the chair across from her, taking a drink from her tea cup. It was an odd combination he thought but it did taste interesting and sweet. He gave her his usual smile hoping that she'll agree to meet Maria. Though she returned his smile, she still continued to being her usual quiet, open, yet hiding self. It was just like Daidouji-san to pretend like that when she should know that he can see through her already and understand her. It wasn't that hard to understand her. She was just like him in someways, he can admit to that. She looked scared and nervous.
"Really, if you don't mind Hiiragizawa-kun, I would like to be alone so I can study."
So she still isn't able to let go after all, he was thinking. "You and I are the same in many ways. A long time ago I thought only seeing the one that was important to me... I thought just watching them smile was enough happiness for me to live on. But Daidouji-san, that's not true is it? Just watching isn't enough is it? Maybe it's being selfish, maybe it's another reason but it's not enough just to see them happy. Those reasons are selfish too, Daidouji-san. Do you realize that? Because it's running away too isn't it? Daidouji-san, are you really happy this way? Do you really see the blue sky today? Do you smell the fresh air? Do you really hear the birds chirping on that tree? Do you see the flowers that are blooming in those trees?"
Those were the only words he was able to say to her. He wanted to say more, comfort her, say something... anything, just to see her really smile, like the kind she used everytime she was in the presence of Sakura-san. When her face glowed and her eyes twinkled. That was how he remembered her and he didn't want that to disappear. He wanted to tell her that too but he sighed and just walked away again. Hoping, maybe wishing, that she'll stop pretending and hiding behind a smile.
Like any friend he was worried. He wondered, as he walked that long way back to his house if Daidouji-san had decided to meet Maria after all. "Those two would be good together," he told Kaho.
"You're not trying to be match maker again are you?" Kaho asked, with a slight smile on her face. "Remember the last time you played that role? You completely got it all wrong."
Yes. Yes. He remembered that one. How can he ever forget that? He completely almost changed not only Sakura-san's destiny, but Tsukishiro- san's and his cute decendant's as well. Their lives would have been completely different if they had not followed their own true destiny but followed the one he made for them instead. "I'm really glad I got that one wrong," he said.
"Well, I wonder if they really did meet though." Kaho said. "I miss Daidouji-san's happy face."
He agreed but he was pretty sure Daidouji-san was out to prove him wrong. She was not the kind of person that can be beaten down by words. He hoped that their meeting was a pleasant one. He still was always worried about her. Though he knew that Daidouji-san can take care of herself, he felt like it was his responsibility to look out for her too. Even after she called to thank him about having her meet Maria, he still worried, as any friend. "I'm still here if you need me, Daidouji-san," he told her.
"I know," she said. "Thank you for taking care of me."
Before he knew it, as quickly as the sun would rise and set, a year had passed. Daidouji-san's first year at the academy had gone on without any problems. Despite the uniform the girls had to wear at the academy, whenever he went out to lunch with her or went with her for a cup of tea at their usual place at The Mystery Tea Leaf, Eriol saw how much she had changed even from the clothes she was wearing. If she wasn't wearing the uniform, she instead wore jeans and t-shirts, sweatshirts and jean jackets. It was a far cry from the clothing she always wore that made her look to him as a very proper lady. Now she looked like her age. She looked very young and alive. He was happy for her and loved spending time with her, if she weren't busy being with Maria of course. Still... there was still something sad about Daidouji-san. Something he really couldn't pinpoint. Was she still afraid to let go?
Being with Daidouji-san also made him feel young. For Eriol, it seemed he never really had a childhood. Things went too quickly for him. He was always the grown up even when he had that quirky streak in him that loved to trick Spinel Sun and others without them suspecting him. Then again, Spinel Sun was so used to it, he knew that Eriol was the only culprit. But he wanted something more than that. How old was he supposed to be now? About seventeen wasn't it? He wanted, maybe just once in his life to run around, to go to a concert, to go to Buckingham Palace and chastise the stone faced guards until they squirm. He was never much of a child at all, never had a childhood and Daidouji-san made him feel like his age even if it's just for the afternoon. Once in awhile if they were feeling especially silly, they would still ask the various subway guards where Platform 9 and 3/4 was or if they've seen a lost owl named Hedwig because he lost it while buying tokens.
The guard would always say the same thing. "You think that's funny do you? Do you know how many punks like you ask me that?" They were always different guards but they always say the same thing. Sometimes it was even funnier to hear the guard's response or witness their reactions than pretending to be some kind of Hogwarts student because Eriol didn't look like much of a punk at all. How can such a straight laced young person wearing dress pants and a sweater with a nicely pressed shirt and tie underneath, ask such silly questions in such a serious straight laced way?
It was just liberating he supposed. He felt like laughing out loud which he has never done before. Daidouji-san's laughter, although there was still something missing behind it all, was contagious. He couldn't help but join her. She was still in her old habit of covering her mouth while she laughed, that polite way of doing things but he didn't care. It felt pretty good to be a teenager. He just wished that Daidouji-san would one day fill that something missing in her. He wished he can fill it up whatever that missing piece was. Was it really that painful? He always asked himself that whenever he was with her. Of course it was. He understood that later on.
"Eriol, where have you been?" As soon as he got home, Kaho was asking him questions. She looked worried yet mad at the same time and Kaho was never mad. "Don't you remember what we were supposed to do tonight? I mean, it doesn't matter to me, but you could have said something."
"I was with Daidouji-san," he simply said. "I'm sorry."
"You've been spending a lot of time with her lately." She looked away. Eriol noticed that she was dressed to go out but then she started to take her hair down, looking at herself in the mirror that hung in the hallway. She started to take her makeup off and her coat. "I've been waiting for tonight. I was really excited. It's been awhile since I've seen a musical. Since we went out together."
Eriol didn't know what to say. He can apologize and apologize but it wouldn't really make a difference. He was completely forgetting everything. It wasn't like him.What was happening exactly? He watched Kaho walk towards the garden. From the open doorway he can see that the moon had shone through the black sky like a bright spotlight. Stars spread out everywhere. Kaho always liked sitting out in their garden especially at night so she can see the constellations. It was a Japanese garden that he had designed especially for her because he remembered how much she admired them. He took his sweater off and loosened his tie, following her lead. She was sitting on a bench with her back to him. Her long red hair shining in the moonlight. He wanted to say something. Anything really. That he was stupid for forgetting, that he got caught up, that he'd make everything better. Yet, he and Kaho knew each other so well that he didn't need to say that but he found himself not moving any closer to even comfort her. He leaned against the doorframe waiting for her to say something.
"Where do you go whenever you're with her?" She asked softly, without looking at him.
He sighed, staring at his shoes. "Daidouji-san just needs a friend. I want to be there for her."
"So you're making her happy?"
"But it's nothing like that. She's missing something. I want to know what that is."
"And you think you can fulfill that?"
"I just want to try."
"Eriol, you can't make everyone happy just like that. They have to feel it for themselves." He was waiting for her to turn around, to look at him. He wanted to look at her face, her eyes. He wanted to say something... yet he just couldn't do it.
For all the years he had known Kaho, he was always sure about his feelings for her. All he had to do was look at her smile or the way she talked about her students so passionately or even when she would often times forget where she placed her things, it was just there. Those feelings so full and so alive that he always felt very complete. He can remember years before when he had doubts about their relationship. Sometimes when they went out together, people would give them their usual stares, their usual whispers, their usual snickers. They thought Kaho was his mother or his sister or anyone other than who she really was. Because of those things, he had many doubts. Why on earth did she ever decide to be with him. She was this beautiful, smart, and caring woman and yet here he was stuck inside a body of a child. Those were the days when he was very unsure of himself, about who he was, before he really "lived", before he appeared in Tomoeda.
What did she say to him then? "Don't think about it," her voice was soft and sweet, her eyes understanding. "I knew it was going to be you before I ever met you. I'll wait for you, Eriol. Even if it's forever."
Now that he was older, seventeen now was it? He was taller then her, he actually looked like someone that can really be with her. Those stares and whispers were gone. Kaho never even aged. She looked like the same woman he met long ago. Always understanding, always kind, always aloof and forgetful. Always Kaho. Why then, did he find it so difficult to speak to her? It seemed like the life he was leading before Daidouji-san arrived, seemed so very different from the life he was leading now that he was spending time with her. Maybe it was because they were the same "age", they had the same interests, they even had the same odd quirks, like finding enjoyment in embarassing Sakura-san and Li-kun and liked the same little things like tea combinations. Other than Maria and his days in Tomoeda, he never really spent time with anyone that was the age he was supposed to be. Maybe it was the experience of being young was what he wanted. He didn't know. His feelings were all over the place. He wanted Daidouji-san to be happy, he wanted Kaho happy. HE wanted to be happy. But what did it really take for him to achieve all that? He thought he was already happy but now he just wasn't sure. He had to question his feelings which he had never done before. He kept staring at Kaho's back, her hair turning silver violet from the light of the moon.
"You know," he said, after a long silence. "You never wake me up anymore to see the sunrise."
"That's because you look too peaceful to wake up. Besides, I figured you don't really like that stuff anymore."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because you're never really home anymore. I don't know..." She sighed, looking up at the stars. "I don't know where you go, I don't know what you do, you never really talk to me anymore. I mean, really talk to me. Even Suppi-chan and Nakuru-san wonder about you. But even so, even with all that, I look at you and I've never seen you happier."
He was silent, sliding down to the floor, his back against the door frame. The house was dark, quiet, the only light was from the moon and street lamps that can be seen over their high hedges. He wondered where Spinel Sun and Nakuru had disappeared to but he didn't ask. "It's just Daidouji-san, that's all. There's nothing to worry about." He whispered to himself and to her.
"It's not your responsibility to make her happy. She has to do that on her own. You can't help everyone."
"That's just it, Kaho." What was he trying to say? Why was he feeling so hopeless? "That's not the only reason. Whenever I'm with her, whenever I am around her, I feel happy too. Just like you said." He shook his head. Of all things, why was he telling Kaho all this, when it hurt him to even spill it out. "I don't know what I'm talking about."
"Eriol... do you... have feelings for her?" She said it so quietly, so slowly that he wasn't even sure if he heard it right. It was so unexpected, just out of the blue.
"What?" He asked, so startled that even his voice cracked.
"Have you fallen in love with her?"
"Of course not." He said quickly. "What kind of question is that?"
"Are you sure?" She finally turned his way but it was so dark he can only see part of her face. Only her hair still glowed like some kind of hailo.
"Why do you even question it?" His voice cracked again. Why was she even asking? She already knew the answer to that. She was the only one forever, the only one he thought about.
"I can sense it in you. I can sense your confusion. I can sense your doubts. I know you like a book."
"If you know me like that, then you should know it's just you that I..." He stopped. He couldn't even see her face anymore. What was he trying to say? She was wrong for sure. She didn't know what she was talking about. If you know me so well... he wanted to say... why are you doubting me? But more than that, why was he doubting himself? All of a sudden he didn't know how to feel and what to say. What she was saying couldn't really be the truth, but if it wasn't, then why did he stop when he was about to say that she was the only one for him?
She walked towards him. "Whatever your doubts Eriol, I hope you'll find the answer. After all, all I want is for you to be happy." Without another word, she went inside the dark house. Her faint perfume lingered in the air when she passed him. They smelled of wild flowers, a smell that was just distinctively hers. Kaho's high heels clicked further away on the wooden floors. He sat there, his back still against the door frame listening to the sound until he couldn't hear it anymore.
The next morning when he went to look for her, she was gone. Only a plain white note was left on his nightstand. "The sunrise is beautiful. I hope you'll catch it once again." He turned the note around to see if she had written more. He knew though that she had not. Just looking for more than what was there made him not want to think about what really was there. He couldn't even think straight. It took him a long time to even get out of bed. The sick feeling of emptiness stuck to him and pricked at him all over his body. It took him even longer to get out of the house.
"You have to get out of here, Idiot!" Nakuru yelled at him, from the open door way of the library. It was the first time Nakuru ever became commanding. Usually it was Spinel Sun who said things like that to him.
"Leave me alone," he said.
"Stop wallowing like an idiot. You're the one who did this to yourself. Go on. Decide what you think is right. You're so insistant on wanting everyone else to be happy yet you can't even decide what your happiness is." Nakuru left him, without even giving him a time to respond. Next time, he told himself, if he had another chance to create another creature, he would definitely make sure that the creature won't be able to talk back or yell at him about things he didn't want to face. Nakuru was right though. He needed to answer his doubts or else he just couldn't live with himself anymore.
He met Daidouji-san at The Mystery Tea Leaf.
"So, you must be happy," he told her while sipping a cup of white and blueberry tea. "You and Maria must be hitting it off." He gave her a small smile, all the while he couldn't help but think about how much prettier she was, sitting there in front of him. She had cut her hair short, the ends just touching her shoulders. She was certainly different from the last time he had seen her. She seemed revived, full of life. She seemed very happy, the very opposite of what he was feeling.
"Maria and I..." she paused. She put her tea cup down, blotting the corners of her mouth with a napkin. "Well, I still need to see if this is right for me. I mean... she told me she understands. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it."
He looked sorry he ever said anything. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"No, no..." She put her head to the side and smiled. Really smiled. Something Eriol observed was different from the smile that she had given him in the past. This was a smile that was somewhat happy. "It's not something to apologize for. I think I just need to let go of some things... that's all. I just want to know. I want to know if it's really love or if it's something else. I want to feel it in my heart." She smiled again, drinking her tea. "Anyway... that's just how I feel I guess..." Her eyes focused on him. "How about you? How are you Hiiragizawa-kun?"
"You changed your hairstyle," he said instead. Pretending he did not hear her question. How soft her face was, how delicate her hands were. Even when she was wearing jeans with holes in them and a black leather jacket, she still couldn't help but act like a lady. "You're like how you should look."
She looked confused but gave him a small laugh that she hid behind her hand. "What does that mean?"
He shrugged. "You look like yourself, Daidouji-san." He wasn't lying, she really did.
"Thank-you," another small, comfortable, beautiful laughter hidden behind a soft, porcelain-like, hand. "I guess." She was watching him, observing him. Again she asked him a question he didn't want to answer. She asked it slowly, carefully as to not make him uncomfortable. "Is there anything wrong?"
Again, he ignored it. "Daidouji-san... what would you say if I take you to dinner?" He asked quickly, instead.
"I would like to," she answered.
It's been months since he'd been out, so when Daidouji-san had accepted his invitation he was relieved. He waited for her outside the restaurant that was near his house and the music academy. "So we don't have to drive around so much," she said. It was autumn and a bit cold. He breathed in the fresh nippy air, which instantly filled his insides with such comfort even though he was still lost and very empty. The only times he felt alive was when he was with Daidouji-san. But that feeling of being alive... it just felt different. His heart still hurt, he still couldn't sleep, even just the simple things like looking out his bedroom window at night or the slight breeze that made his curtains wave gently in the night, made him think about... It's always the little things, he thought sadly.
"Hiiragizawa-kun! There you are!" Daidouji-san was walking towards him, waving her hand. "I'm sorry I'm late."
"It's no problem," he said, trying to smile his usual gentle smile. "I just got here myself."
"You look great," Daidouji-san always managed to compliment everyone even though she was the one that looked beautiful. With her short hair in curls, her black dress shining in the dark. Does she know how wonderful she really is?
"Daidouji-san, you look very beautiful."
They spend their dinner by candle light. Laughing at old jokes and the old days of when everyone was in Tomoeda. Yamazaki-kun's tall tales, class plays that were penned by Naoko-chan. Daidouji-san even told him the story about the two sided coin with plus signs on them that he had given to Yamazaki-kun as a goodbye gift. "He used it against Chiharu-chan once during this dance we had. Chiharu-chan was really happy." Eriol smiled. He knew that no one else BUT Yamazaki-kun could put something like that to good use.
"Hiiragizawa-kun?" Daidouji-san touched his arm as soon as they stepped outside after their dinner was over.
"What is it?"
"Let's go to that shrine behind The Mystery Tea Leaf, what do you say?"
He agreed. They found a taxi right away that took them there in less than ten minutes. It swerved in and out of traffic, going to alleys, breaking and speeding. It seemed almost comical but they got there alive and well. The driver happy to drop them off because they were his last customers after a long day and night.
The shrine behind The Mystery Tea Leaf seemed quiet and forlorn. Two other couples were there other than them. It looked just like any shrine that were scattered all over Tokyo, except it had that touch of western flair. Orange lanterns lighting the whole place making everything, even their clothes and skin turn into some dark orange hue. A lone flute soundtrack played through an invisible speaker system. Tea leaves of mysterious orgin scattered everywhere looking like fallen leaves. For some reason, the place reminded Eriol of an old time black and white painting. The shrine looked very lonely. He was almost expecting a crow to come down to eat the scattered tea leaves.
He followed Daidouji-san to a small man made pond where its wooden bottom were filled with coins. "Let's make a wish," he said to her, handing her a coin.
They made silent wishes, closing their eyes, their hands clasped together. It was getting dark, the half moon so bright that its vivid reflection showed through the pond like an upside down smile or a slice of an apple. It seemed like you can grab it just like that, like how Narcissus tried to grab his own beautiful reflection.
"Daidouji-san.... " Eriol said softly, still looking at the reflection of the moon. "You know... Kaho left me."
From the corner of his eye, he can see the reaction on her face when she turned to look at him. "I'm sorry," came her whispered reply.
"You shouldn't apologize. It isn't your fault." Eriol still focused his gaze on the moon's reflection. "It's strange isn't it? I feel like a hypocrite. Here I am telling you how you should find that happiness, yet I can't even find the answers to my own."
"Everyone has doubts, Hiiragizawa-kun, it's just that one day, the right one will be there and you won't feel those doubts anymore. You'll feel it in your heart." She moved in closer to him, her short hair covering her profile as she looked down at the pond. "I learned to live with that concept."
"It was you, Daidouji-san. Somewhere in my heart, I thought I really loved you."
"Somewhere in my heart, I thought I fell in love with you too." She said this with such a soft voice that if she wasn't standing right next to him, he wouldn't have heard. "I thought I was crazy."
"I wanted to be sure. That's why I asked you to be here."
"That's why I said yes."
"Daidouji-san, since you came here, you made me see another side of myself that I never knew existed.... You see, I was always an adult. Treated and acted like an adult, I didn't know any other way. I was a child but I never was one. I didn't even know how to handle it. When I'm with you, I want to laugh out loud. I want to scream and run around. I've never done that before. It felt great and everytime I did those things with you, everytime I heard you laugh, I wanted to hear that more and more. I fell in love with you just by you being like that because I was never like that."
"But its because of you that I was able to do that as well. If I was by myself, I would never dare go up to those guards and tell them old Harry Potter jokes. I guess in away... I fell in love with you because you were like that. You had the guts. So polite, yet you have that dark streak. I want that. How do you do it?" She smiled at him. Ah, yet another smile that wasn't hiding anything. He was glad he saw it yet again.
Eriol smiled back. "That's a secret." He reached out to take her hand in his. "I'm glad I told you."
"Hiiragizawa-kun, you know... I don't think you ever doubted. You knew all along who you loved, didn't you? You just liked the fun. That dark streak in you just wanted to be let out." She made Eriol laugh for the first time, in a long time.
"No, that's not true. I do love you Daidouji-san. I'm glad I got to know you even more. I'm glad I was able to become your friend. I've never met anyone quite like you."
"You're lucky you know," she said, rummaging through her purse, looking for something. "Mizuki-sensei loves you so much that she was willing to let you go. And you love her so much that you can't even think of replacing her. I can see that in you, Hiiragizawa-kun. You've never doubted. Whenever I mention her name, your face lights up. You talk about her with so much feeling. It's just like Sakura-chan and Li-kun. Everytime I look at them, they look like you do now." She handed him a folded piece of white paper that seemed to be folded over and over again and read many times.
"What's this?" He asked.
"My list of dreams. I made it before I left Tomoeda." She waited for him to open it up. "You see, I thought that I had fallen in love once, the kind of love that truly defined me as a person and I was wrong at that time. I thought I had fallen in love again," another smile from her. "But it didn't feel the same. It felt like I had to love instead of wanting and feeling that love. It confused me and upset me and it hurt me... But now I understand it. I think we both do."
Eriol didn't know what to say. He unfolded the piece of paper, looking at her list, each one of them with a check mark next to it, completed and achieved. Except for the last. "To achieve happiness with the one I love," he read, then looked at her. "I hope that you do. If there was anyone in the world who can fulfill this dream, it would be you."
"It's time for both of us to fulfill that dream." She opened her other hand to show him an unused eraser. "But you already achieved that a long time ago, huh?"
Eriol smiled. "What is that?" He asked, looking at the eraser she was holding. "A symbol to erase the past?"
Daidouji-san gave a small giggle. "Funny. You know you can't erase the past. But you can learn to let go, right?" She gently traced the dark letters of the eraser. "You see, this is my most treasured possession. Sakura-chan gave it to me in the fourth grade. After that, she became my best friend. It's still the one thing that I hold dear to me." Ever so slowly, she brought the eraser to her lips to kiss, then dropped it in the pond, it gave off one tiny sound, like one lone water droplet falling from a faucet. It sank slowly until it reached the wooden bottom. "So I'll always know that my wish will come true, ne?" All of a sudden, he felt a small butterfly kiss on his cheek. "Ganbate, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"Ganbate," he hugged her tightly. "You always have such kind eyes, Daidouji- san, I really hope you'll find happiness."
The next day, Eriol wondered, as he walked along the streets that were still quiet and abandoned and sleeping, if he can still catch that sunrise again someday to see that new beginning and the dew drops on the flower petals. He wondered if he was too late. The sun was still dim, not yet over the horizon.
"Was the sunrise beautiful?" He asked, when he arrived. He stayed a few paces behind her. She was leaning against a tree, its yellow folliage like an umbrella that draped over her. "I'm sorry I was too late."
"You missed it by mere seconds." She said.
"I was afraid that I would never see you again."
"I'm always here catching the sunrise."
"When you left, I felt like I wasn't real anymore. When you left, I felt empty. I want to never change anything again. I love you. I loved you since the day I met you. That's all I can say."
"That's all you have to say," she said. "I understand. I told you before. I'll wait for you, even if it's forever."
He went to her placing his hand on her warm, soft cheek. "You don't have to wait anymore." He leaned down to kiss her, the feel of her mouth against his was like heaven, soft, tender, warm, he wanted it to last forever... just kissing her there with the sun slowly rising. This was what he lived for. How his heart felt full again and so complete. How her faint wild flower scent felt like home, like warmth filling him up with every kind of emotion, of every kind of love. Being with her, being this close, was what he always wanted. The very meaning of his own kind of happiness.
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Fate as you know it can come in many different ways. As Eriol and Kaho walked home hand in hand, they decided to stop by at the park, the place where the ducks swam freely. Up on a tree they saw a smiling Daidouji-san looking up at the blue blue sky, lost in her own thoughts whatever that may be. A blue bird right next to her.
Fate as you know it can come any time and as they looked to see who was coming to also see the ducks that swam on the pond was Maria reading a book completely oblivious to anything around her, for if she wasn't so lost in her reading she would notice that there was someone up on a tree right above her trying to catch a blue bird.
Eriol smiled. What an opportunity he thought. For he was also thinking of Fate and how funny it was sometimes. He closed his eyes. Twitched his lips a little and then...
"Tomoyo?"
"Maria?" Tomoyo didn't know what happened. Suddenly she was up on that tree, the next, she was falling, landing on top of Maria. "You broke my fall." She said.
"Jeez. I thought that was it for me. Dead, just like that. What were you doing up there?"
"I was looking up at the sky and then I saw a bird. Then I fell. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Are you hurt anywhere?"
"Not really, but I thought all of a sudden God had it out for me and sent an angel to take me to heaven or something."
Tomoyo smiled. "Maybe you're not really wrong on that part."
"Huh?"
From where they stood, Eriol and Kaho can hear the light laughter of Daidouji-san.
Kaho let go of his hand, smiling in a playful way, her eyes accusing. "You didn't by any chance go and make her fall did you? That same thing happened once before."
Eriol kissed her on the cheek, "I don't know what you're talking about," he said, with a smile on his face, his eyes twinkling behind his glasses. He took her hand in his again and headed for home. "Really, why would I do a thing like that?"
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AN #3: Well, that's it. Eriol's story with a little bit of Tomoyo. I know a lot of people who read this are probably disappointed that it isn't a TxE love story but honestly, I tried to write one but I just couldn't do it. One because I can't see it. Two because if you read those pages of the 12th manga volume at all, Eriol is completely in love with Kaho and only Kaho. Even Tomoyo saw it and she even told him. I can't see Eriol and Tomoyo together even in a fanfiction world and though they may look good together and probably have a lot of things similar with each other, they just aren't right in connecting with each other in my opinion and if I ever write about them ending up together somehow, they would be way too OOC. So Kaho and Eriol it is. I hope those of you who read this will like it none the less.
AN #4: I doubt that erasers sink when you throw it in a pond but hey its my story so it sinks. Maybe Eriol had put a spell on it to make it sink as well.
Only Rika, Chiharu, and Syaoran are left. So I wonder who will be next. Thank you for your comments with this series of mine that started in 2001. Your comments and emails have been a great motivation for me to keep going.
Cindy