A/N- Hiyee! I'm hyper! I dunno why. I love you, reviewers! My fic was pathetic and ignored, but you guys all showed up and now I'm getting more than two reviewers to a chapter! Yay! Oh, and just because I'm picky about these things, make sure you pronounce these names right... Javert – Juh- VEHR (the J sounds like the SIA in Asia), Enjolras – ON-johl-russ, and Gavroche – Gav-ROSH. Just being pernickety. And remember, I've talked myself into believing that Bernard is real. So he is in this story... and in my mind.

I'm From Tookland- He is the coolest elf. He's been my officical boyfriend since... November of 2002. I'm a freak.

Alteng- I told my brother what you said about dementors using old ringwraith costumes and he said something along the lines of "No, it's the other way around!" So I dragged him to the bookshelf and showed him the copyright dates on LOTR and the dates on Harry Potter... poor confused loser.

A Darker Side of Light- I love the Witch King of Angmar. He's hot. Every time I see him die in the third movie I can't help going "I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who would have thought a pretty little girl like you could destroy my beatiful ugliness!"

Tinkerbell033- You're a treehugger too? I watched the cast commentary of TTT, where Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan (I know I spelled that wrong) tell you to go out and plant a tree, and I actually did within the week.

Western Master 3- Ooh, I want the blue one! I am amused, as always.

"So," Bernard asked the sky of Rivendell. "Why'm I in this fic?"

The elf suddenly found himself in a normal looking bedroom where I girl with waist-length brown hair sat before a computer.

"Hey! Don't do that! It makes me nervous. I coulda used my cool dissolving into sparks trick."

"Bernard," the girl at the computer sighed, "I thought you understood the rules."

"What rules?"

"I allow you to have special guest appearances in my absolute nonsense fics, but you can't let the other characters know about this world!"

The two got into a long conversation about reality versus fiction that didn't make any sense and wasn't recorded.

"So, why'd you put me in that fic?" Bernard asked again.

"I can't tell you straight out, but you get to use your sexy dissolving into sparks trick."

"You mean my cool trick."

"Sexy."

"Cool."

"Sexy!"

"PLOT!" screamed Peter Jackson.

Sam wandered in, pursued by a few of the other characters living in the attic.

"Do not break out of the garret! JAIL!" shouted a heavily-sideburned and apparently deranged police inspector.

"Shut up, Javert," Bernard said.

"Bernard! Didn't see you there. What brings you to North Carolina?"

A young man with wild black hair and scars all over his pale face poked his head through the door. "I didn't mean to," he said timidly.

"Help!" Sam screamed. "That man came after me with knives and the other one tried to put me in a crate!"

"Sam, sweetie, don't worry about them. The one with the sideburns, he's crazy and thinks everyone should be thrown in jail. The pasty one, he's really nice, I promise."

"But the knives..."

The pale man shuffled slowly into the room. "I'm not finished," he said, holding out hands that looked like scissors.

"Edward, dear, you're scaring Sammykins. Can you... give him some time?"

Edward nodded.

"Javert?"

"Huh?"

"Leave Sam alone, okay? Don't put him in jail."

"Where am I?" Sam demanded.

"PLOT!"

"Sorry guys!" The Authoress tapped a few buttons on her computer. Bernard disappeared. Sam, Inspector Javert, and Edward Scissorhands were whisked back into the attic.

Bernard was back in Rivendell. Many characters were lying on the ground, having knocked themselves unconscious against Gandalf's shiny barrier. Several orcs had found a battering ram and were using it (to no avail) against the light. "Where was Gandalf and his white shiny light when those orcs were using that thing on our doors?" Théoden whined.

"Hey, you left already!" Haldir said indignantly.

"Oops!" Théoden poofed away.

Bernard rolled his eyes. "Alright, I get to use my sexy... uh... cool... dissolving into sparks trick... hmm..."

"I WISH I COULD JUST DISAPPEAR AND REAPPEAR INSIDE THE TOMB!" shouted Sauron.

Silence fell. Everyone stared at Sauron.

"What?" the Dark Lord asked.

"You aren't supposed to talk," Isildur reminded him.

"Why not?"

Farmer Maggot spoke up. "It 'elps your aura of evil."

"Oops. Sorry."

"PLOT!" Peter Jackson screamed.

And Bernard understood why he was in this fic.