Sam was back in the-
"This story is no longer about Sam! Stop talking about Sam!" Peter Jackson interrupted.
"But Sam's my homeskillet!" cried the booming voice from the sky.
"Hey! I thought I was your homeskillet!" Pippin objected.
"Wha- you can't hear me! I'm talking to Mr. Jackson!" said the booming voice from the sky.
"You're right, sorry," Pippin sighed. He poofed back to Rivendell.
The Authoress lowered her voice. "Sam is my homeskillet... Pippin's just my homefry," explained the no-longer-booming voice from the sky.
"And who's your homeboy?" Peter Jackson asked sarcastically.
"Montparnasse," said the quieter than booming voice from the sky.
"Montparnasse? Who's that?"
"From Les Misérables," said the almost-booming voice from the sky.
"Okay, whatever! Can you just get back to the story?"
"Everybody quiet!" Bernard yelled sexily. "Hey... how can I yell sexily?"
"Just do it!" said the again-booming voice from the sky.
The hubbub subsided.
"I can get inside the tomb."
"How?" asked Sam's gaffer.
"I'm a se- a North Pole elf. I can do the se- cool dissolving into sparks trick. So..."
Bernard dissolved into a shower of sexy sparks.
A second later his outline could be seen inside the tomb. In another second he reappeared outside, visibly shaken.
"You're weird," the sexy elf shouted at the sky.
"What did you see?" demanded Gamling.
"A dwarf, an elf, and a woman with interesting shoes, all lying dead."
"Which dwarf?" Smaug asked.
"Umm..."
"Gimli," prompted a whispering voice from the sky.
"Gimli," Bernard repeated.
"And the elf?" asked Celeborn.
"Legolas."
"And the young woman with odd shoes?" asked a man near the back of the crowd.
"Well," Elrond interrupted, "we can narrow it down to Éowyn or Galadriel. It wasn't Galadriel, cos she doesn't wear shoes... and she's standing right here." Galadriel waved. "And we know it wasn't Éowyn, cos she was here a minute ago."
Everyone stared at him.
"Then who was it?"
"Well, I'm havin' a thought here, all." The man from the back of the crowd had worked his way to the front.
Everyone who had been staring at Elrond found that this man was even stranger. So they stared at him instead.
The newcomer did not fit in with any of the people from Middle Earth. He wore a red kerchief and tri-corner hat atop beaded and dreadlocked hair.
"Hey!" Bernard protested. "Dreadlocks are my look!"
The man staggered over to Bernard, who grabbed his arm and rolled up his sleeve. The letter P was branded on his arm.
"Had a brush with the-"
"NOOOO!" screamed the booming voice from the sky. "Bernard... is not... NORRINGTON! Just say his name!"
"But I don't know his name."
"It's... Jack Sparrow!" shouted the booming voice from the sky.
"Captain Jack Sparrow," the man protested.
Peter Jackson was near tears. "Just finish the story!" he begged.