Bernard was again in that room with the computer and the annoyed Authoress.

"So... me an' Jack Sparrow were wondering why you've gone all wacko on us."

The Authoress glared at him. "As if you don't know."

"Uh... no... I don't know... sorry..."

"Guess what movie was on ABC Family yesterday."

"Was I in it?"

The Authoress nodded.

"The Santa Clause?"

The Authoress shook her head. "It's July."

"Oh... you don't mean..."

"Yup. And don't tell me that wasn't you in that movie, cos I know it was."

"I was acting! Acting!"

"Sure."

"Hey, just because you saw the Addams Family Values and you think I'm in love with Wednesday Addams or whatever your problem is does not mean you hafta go and disintegrate random hobbits!"

"The hobbits' molecules are perfectly intact."

"Then where are they?" Bernard asked, exasperated.

"The proper question is when are they. I've sent them into the future of Rivendell a few minutes so they'll stop distracting Gandalf. It worked, didn't it?"

"This sounds familiar..."

"Oh, you recognize Christopher Lloyd's lines from Back to the Future? How about his lines from the Addam's Family Values, do you know those lines? Oh, wait, of course you do... YOU WERE IN IT!"

"I promise you I was acting, and now you're just being weird."

"Oh, go off and woo Wednesday Addams."

Bernard rolled his eyes. "Wednesday Addams is a sadistic weirdo and I was acting! Did you see the end of the movie, by chance?"

"No... Boy Meets World came on."

"At the end she freakin' tried to kill me!"

"Really?"

"Go rent it if you don't believe me."

"Are you sure?"

"I was there, remember?"

"If you say so. Okay, go make presents or something, I'll take care of the hobbits."

"Good," Bernard said as he dissolved into a shower of sexy sparks.

And the Authoress sat down to finally compose her closing poem.