Sorry about taking to long to update this fic. There always seems to be something or other getting in the way, and I don't have the time to get around to it. No matter. Now that I have time, I'll do what I can to take down this chapter in one sitting, assuring that it will be up quickly. Okay, so let's get going and see what happens, cuz at this moment in time, even I don't know.
THE JARETH WARS
Chapter 3: Biscuit brooding indecency
Hoggle found himself logged up in a tree branch, distancing himself as far as possible from the love interest confused girl, who had begun to proclaim her undying love for the little man/thing.
Sarah: Hoggle my love! Please come down here so that we might call a minister and get married!
Hoggle: No! There's no way I'm sharing half of my new fortune with some chick who got her head whacked.
Sarah: Whatever do you mean dearest?
Hoggle: Just keep away!
Sarah, seeing as how her newest infatuation was in a tree and she was on the ground, the only option was to climb to up to the wart, and convince him of her undying devotion. Hoggle nearly choked as Sarah inched her way up the tree. This was not good at all, because everyone knows the ever destructive equation of life: boygirl=love, lovecommitment= marriage, marriage=husbandwife, husbandwife=baby, marriagebitchywoman=divorce, bitchywomandivorce=goodbye half of earnings, divorcebaby= goodbye half of earnings18 years of financial instability.
Hoggle shuddered, and began to shimmy further up the tree, getting as far away from the girl as possible, who was now currently three feet below him.
Sarah: Hoggle?! Why do you keep going away?!
Hoggle: realizes there's no point in answering such a stupid question
Now, in an entirely different section of the labyrinth, Jareth trekked his way towards the swamp, in search of the Chilly Gang (also known as the Fire Gang, but I forgot this last chapter, thus the word 'chilly' shall replace fire in hopes of fooling the masses that I know what I'm talking about). How he wished he could teleport, but if he didn't know where he was exactly supposed to find them, it would be futile. Having to walk for the whole past ten minutes made him feel like a peasant, and he almost cried when he noticed that he had scuffed his new pair of snake skin boots. Sure, he probably wouldn't have worn them again anyway, but just knowing that he'd have to be seen in them for a whole hour, or possibly even a whole day, was degrading. When he thought things couldn't possibly get worst, a bolt of dumb luck struck him. Low and behold, there was the Chilly Gang dancing around what seemed to be a new stereo that they had purchased at Best Bu-... Bist Boy (no need to get sued here).
Jareth: Hey, you!
Chilly1: Hey nothin! Can't you see we're rockin to some awesome shit here?!
Chilly2: Awesome my ass! We need some Bowie going on!
Chilly1: Mick Jagger is way cooler than Bowie!
Chilly2: What you hopped up on?! Bowie is the coolest!
Chilly3: Why don't we leave it at Elton John?
Chilly12: Hell no!
Jareth: Shut up and pay attention to me!
The Chilly Gang stood motionless as Rolling Stone music played in the background. Jareth was pleased with himself for finally getting their attention.
Jareth: Now, I need you to light me a cigarette and I'll be on my way.
It looked like he'd be getting his needs taken care of, except "Ziggy Stardust" had just come onto the radio.
Chilly2: Alright!
Chilly1: This sucks.
Jareth: Will you stop listening to that outdated crap and tend to my every whim already?!
Chilly Gang: gasp
Now, if you're ever in the presence of the Chilly Gang, never EVER call anything from David Bowie, Rolling Stones, Elton John, or Led Zeppelin outdated. If you do, may God (or whatever deity you worship) have pity on your soul.
Chilly2: ... GET 'IM!!
Jareth found himself being chased by the angry mob of red haired thingies (not sure what species they are, really), wishing that he had never offended the God of rock that is Bowie, and that he had worn a comfier pair of tights. Fortunately, one of them started throwing small fire balls at him, and once his cigarette was lit, he teleported back to his castle. He eased onto his throne, puffing at his Maliboboro Light in contentment. He then looked over to his thirteen hour clock and smiled. He had already used up one hour, giving Sarah only half a day left. Of course, he planned to cheat, but that wouldn't happen until later. When all seemed peaceful and good, Jareth flinched at the sound of the screaming Toby, that was lying on the floor. Seemed that the ether had finally worn off.
Jareth: You are quite persistent, aren't you?
Well, if there was one thing he had learned from Irish mothers from the 1800's was that beer was the best remedy to a screaming child. Alas, Jareth did not possess such a carb infested beverage, for having a large belly was not too appealing. He did remember having some rubbing alcohol, so he grabbed a bottle of that and poured some into the wailing baby's mouth. Within seconds it had passed out and all was quiet once more. (NOTE: DO NOT GIVE BABIES ALCOHOL, AND ESPECIALLY NOT RUBBING ALCOHOL!!!.... unless they deserve it... but otherwise DON'T).
With this accomplished, the goblin king looked into his crystal ball to check up on things and see... Sarah dragging Hoggle to a chapel?! She was supposed to be finding a way through the Labyrinth, not trying to get hooked up. This neglect infuriated the blonde, and he vowed to put a stop to it immediately, and then teleported off to the United Church of Ludo.
Yes, another chapter complete. Okay, IMPORTANT QUESTION!!! You all know who Mick Jagger is, right? I know, stupid question, but I had a friend who didn't, and I was appalled. OK, if you DON'T know who he is, go to google.com and type "Mick Jagger," or maybe even "Rolling Stones" and get educated! If from anywhere, you should know Elton John from the Lion King (God forbid that be the only time you experienced his music), you OUGHT to know Led Zeppelin, but if you were unfortunate enough to live a horribly sheltered life, go to google.com and type in "Led Zeppelin." Alright, now if you DON'T KNOW David Bowie... what the hell is wrong with you?! Good God! He only plays Jareth, not to mention sings all the songs, minus Chilly Down!!! The only excuse you would have is if you're one of those weird people who went into the Labyrinth section and thought "Hmm... a story I don't know anything about... okay!" Otherwise.... I'm sorry you're messed up. Now that that's done, I'm off to look for stuff on Screamin' Lord Byron, for he is a gorgeous babe to whom I must pay homage.