Chapter Four: Typical

Rimmer relaxed with a hot cup of tea in his new office. Yes, this was a great fate indeed. Pretty women in short skirts wandering around at his beck and call. And from the photo on his desk, he gathered his wife was a nice, friendly woman too. The only bad incident he could recall today was when he had made the mistake of falling over the Lost and Found box, and letting Colin help him up. No matter how many times he washed his hands, they still felt sticky and smelt of elderberries, henna and cat vomit. Still, he was in such a good mood, he even let the receptionist Carol take her children to the squash courts to get some exercise as a change from sleeping and playing in cupboards. Tomorrow, he might even let them stay in his office while he played tennis with a few customers in even shorter skirts than the staff. He wandered down to check on reception. Colin had kindly offered to take over from Carol. "Afternoon Colin," he said and jumped the last two stairs to the floor.

"My you're chipper today, Mr Brittas."

"Ah ah ah, Colin. What did you forget?"

"Of course! Good afternoon and welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre, how may I help you?" said Colin and smiled widely. Rimmer smiled to himself. Acting like Mr Brittas, after learning a few key phrases told to him by Laura, was a piece of cake. Somehow it just came naturally to him. Laura walked into reception just then.

"Ah Laura, how are those sheep doing?"

"Wonderfully, Mr Brittas. Great idea of yours to borrow the swimming pool net and use it to lasso them." Rimmer smiled even more. He couldn't believe all the good ideas he'd had since arriving. This was destiny. "The reason I'm here," Laura's voice cut through his happy thoughts, "is because an odd machine has turned up in the loft."

Rimmer gulped. "Shaped like a ball? With metal things around it?"

"Yes. That's it exactly. I've asked Tim and Gavin to check it out."

"NO!" Rimmer yelled. Laura jumped and Colin looked on bemused. "I mean..." Rimmer searched for a reason. His good ideas were running out. "It's... a dome for... the gymnasium because... sunlight is... good for... people? And I don't want Gavin or Tim to accidentally scratch it."

Laura raised an eyebrow.

"Marvellous idea Mr Brittas," Colin cheered. "It's just what the centre needs."

"Mr Brittas, can I speak with you a moment?"

"Er... no?"

"Oh but I INSIST."

"Alright..." Rimmer followed Laura into the staff changing rooms.

She slammed the door shut. "What is it and why is it here?" she demanded.

He scratched at his chin and looked around carefully. "Can I trust you?"

"I think the question is can WE trust YOU."

Rimmer bit into his hand out of habit before deciding to spill the beans, "I'm from the future, 3 million years in the future in fact. I'm actually dead. This is just a holographic form of me. My bunkmate, Lister is the last human being alive and we travel through space with a humanoid cat and an android in a spaceship run by computer with less brains than a foot. I was brought here by that machine in the loft and I'm guessing that Mr Brittas is in my place at this very moment." He paused.

Laura's eyebrow was still raised. "And what, pray tell, makes you think I'd believe all that?"

"Well, you let me stay. Instead of calling the police and telling them I'd done a Nicholas Cage on your boss. You must trust me a little to do that."

Laura's eyebrow settled and she breathed out a sigh of relief. "I hoped you were staying, in a way."

"What makes you think I'm leaving?"

"Well you'll want to go back to your friends surely?"

Rimmer was about to answer when Colin burst through the door. "It's Tim, Mr Brittas! He's trapped in the machine!"

"Oh smeg!" Rimmer gasped and ran out to find the loft. Laura and Colin followed in hot pursuit. The ball was glowing brightly when they arrived.

"Mr Brittas," Gavin sobbed. "He was standing here one minute and the next he was sucked in." Rimmer groaned. He was going to have to rescue Tim and return to his old life. Typical. The Cat had ruined this for him after all.

"Arnold!" Laura called as he stepped towards the fate alteration device. She pulled him towards her and kissed him.

"What was that for?" he said weakly, trying to recover.

"No reason," Laura said, with a wink. And with that, the world of Whitbury disappeared.