PART TWO
This is stupid.
You're being obtuse, Jack.
Why do you always call me obtuse?
How about dense? Idiotic? Deliberately ignorant?
Stupid, Jack suggested idly.
Arguing with me about word choice is not going to change anything.
Jack swallowed, staring up at Carter's house, failing to see any movement silhouetted against the soft glow of the lights on the curtains. What if I don't want things to change?
Well, they can't carry on the way they are, can they?
No, he supposed Kanan was right. He sighed in resignation, reaching for his car keys and pulling them out of the ignition smoothly, dropping them into his pocket after he stepped out and locked the door. The night air was frigid; he was glad he was wearing his leather jacket.
You like wearing this jacket because you know she likes it, Kanan pointed out mildly.
Jack flushed slightly, and smoothed the jacket in question down self consciously over his abdomen.
You're acting like a teenager on his first date, Kanan sighed.
Except I'm don't even know if I'm welcome here.
I think you'll always be welcome here, Jack. It's me that's not welcome.
They dropped into silence as he made his way slowly up the pathway, hesitating on her doorstep.
You know, I still think this is stupid, Jack tried one last time.
And being the wiser of the two of this, I still think this is the best course of action. Knock, or I'll do it for you.
The sound of his knuckles on the door seemed to echo loudly in the still night air, and his body tensed as he listened for any sound of movement from inside. He knocked again, straining to hear something.
"Carter?" he yelled, banging on her door again. He heard movement from inside, but there was no sign of her approaching the door to let him in. "If you don't let me in, Carter, I'll let myself in!" he threatened. Since when had he resorted to threatening Sam Carter?
The threat worked though; he heard her thumping across her wooden hallway, her figure silhouetted through the lace curtain before he heard the rough clicking of her lock being opened. She didn't open the door though; she simply stalked back into her house. He reached for the knob tentatively and turned it, letting himself in. "Carter?"
"What do you want, Sir?" She sounded resigned, he thought.
"I need to talk to you," he told her earnestly, stepping into the lounge. He bit back a gasp of surprise when he saw her. Her hair was damp and curling behind her ears, more of her skin visible than he'd been allowed to see for a very long time. "Do you... do you want to get changed?" he suggested, swallowing roughly.
She stared up at him, raising her eyebrows. "I don't think you'll be here long enough to warrant me getting changed, Sir. I'm going to go finish my bath when you're done."
He nodded silently, jamming his hands awkwardly into his pockets. "Carter, we have to talk."
"So you've said," she agreed dully. "About what?"
"Kanan."
She jerked visibly, turning around so that he could see the smooth lines of her upper back and shoulders, following the curve of her spine until the towel she wore around her concealed the rest.
Control, Jack, it's all about control, Kanan's voice was dry.
You aren't much better around Shallan, if I may remind you, Jack snapped tersely.
"Colonel, I've said I'm sorry-"
"Carter, I don't blame you!" he snapped. "I told you, I'm okay with Kanan."
She turned around slowly, watching him. "What if I'm not okay with him?" she asked.
He stared at her blankly. "But you like the Tok'ra."
"You don't," she said simply. "If you've changed so much that you accept a Tok'ra inside you, then I don't know if you're still the same person, Sir."
"But I haven't changed," he disagreed, "I just realized that they aren't all that bad."
A slight smile touched her lips, but it was bitter and sorrowful. "No. You have changed. You told me you'd never, ever willingly become a Tok'ra. You did something you swore you wouldn't do because I asked you to, and now it's changed you."
"Carter, what do you have against the Tok'ra?" he asked waspishly.
"Nothing," she shrugged.
"Then what is the problem?" he demanded. She stared at him blankly. He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated beyond measure. She wasn't making any sense, but then, there wasn't anything really new about that. "Carter, what's happened? Normally I'm the one criticizing the Tok'ra and you're the one defending them. You're one of the only people one base who likes the Tok'ra."
"Not anymore, obviously," she replied tersely.
"What is the problem?"
"It isn't a problem," she said stubbornly.
"Then what is it?"
"I just don't understand."
"Understand what?"
"Why you are choosing to stay a Tok'ra. Why you haven't demanded Kanan leave you yet. Why you're accepting him and carrying on as though everything is okay."
"Everything is okay, Carter."
She was quiet for a second. "Is it?" she asked softly.
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Carter... when Kanan... when I first woke up... God, you know how it feels to have a Tok'ra-"
"Not the way you do, apparently," she interrupted.
"Carter!"
"I'm sorry," she muttered, but the flash in her eyes betrayed the words, and the tone of her voice was anything but sorry.
"Talk to him, Carter, get to know him-"
"You like him," she said softly.
He stared at her. Yeah, the snake wasn't too bad.
I'm not a snake, Jack.
"What's so wrong with that?"
She sighed, and bit her lip, closing her eyes.
Let me try.
Tired of trying to reason with an unreasonable woman, Jack willingly let Kanan try.
"Major Carter," the Tok'ra started. Jack watched, fascinated, as Carter's eyes widened and she stepped backwards from him, almost repulsed by the sound of his now distorted voice. Kanan wasn't perturbed though, and he kept going steadily. "I am Kanan, Major Carter."
"I know." Her voice was brittle, tight.
"And I can understand why you're finding it hard to accept me," Kanan continued. Carter snorted loudly. "But what neither Jack nor I understand is why you're reacting like this towards us, yet you are willing to accept your father and Selmac, and have shown you are able to exist with other Tok'ra."
She had a reason, Jack could read it in her eyes, but he couldn't see what the reason was.
She's jealous, Kanan announced, sounding pleased with himself.
Jealous?
Of me.
Why on earth would she be jealous of you? Jack thought, surprised.
Because I already know you better than she does. I will become closer to you than she ever will be. She can see that your relationship with her will change; that she will not ever be the most important person in your life.
That's ridiculous, Jack snorted mentally, almost shaking his head.
It's not, Jack. She's right.
"I can leave him," Kanan spoke again, and Jack was morbidly curious about the sudden turn of events. She was jealous, of a snake? Carter wasn't really the jealous type though, was she? And she knew that she was one of the most important people to him on this planet.. along with Teal'c, in a completely different way of course.
"Would you?" she challenged.
"I'll leave him right now, if I have to," Kanan said loudly.
For a second, Jack felt an irrational sense of panic over ride him. Leave him? Kanan would leave him? Now?
"You would?" Carter asked, and he was horrified to hear her sound almost interested in the idea.
"If Jack wants me to go, I'll go."
He watched Carter through his eyes, even though Kanan was in control. She was studying him carefully, her intelligent blue eyes regarding him clearly. "Does he want you to go?"
No. He didn't even have to think about it.
"If he has to choose between you and me, Major Carter, he'll choose you."
He was about to protest that statement loudly, mentally gathering his anger and irritation at being forced into the back corner while Carter and Kanan discussed a decision that affected him just as much - if not more - than it affected them, when he realized something. Kanan was right. As much as he had come to like the Tok'ra - an idea that still pricked him with a slight measure of guilt and self disgust - Jack knew what Kanan was saying was true. Theirs hadn't been an entirely mutual commitment; it had been a blending of convenience. You save my life, I save yours. End of bargain. Somewhere along the line, Jack had realized that some Tok'ra weren't so bad at all. In fact, some Tok'ra were pretty darn good. They removed aches and pains and bad knees and made you feel like you were twenty again.
But it was the dependence that scared him.
You will come to depend on me, Kanan whispered softly. You won't be able to live without me there.
And it was true. Already, the first seeds of fear and panic at the thought of being along again were growing in his mind, and he tried to hold onto Kanan with his mind.
But you'll have her, Jack, you'll have Sam.
She was making him choose, he thought dully. She was making him choose between herself and Kanan. Why couldn't she accept them both?
Ask her.
"Carter?" he whispered, blinking in confusion. Her eyebrows rose at the sudden change of control over his body, and he saw a slight touch of relief brush across her eyes.
"Sir?"
"Why can't you accept us both?"
The question confused her, and she saw her brow pull together in concentration, the way she did when she was absorbed with her work. He loved her focus. "If... If Jolinar was still here, Sir, and you didn't have Kanan, what would you do?"
He hated how she answered questions with a question. "I don't know."
"You're lying."
You're lying.
"What would I do?" he asked her pointedly.
"You'd leave," she whispered. "It's not fair to expect you to care about Jolinar. Besides, if Jolinar was in my mind, you wouldn't be the first one I'd talk to."
She was right, he realized, and so was Kanan. He'd still care about her, but he was unable to care for the Tok'ra inside her the same way he cared about her. He cared about Carter, not a snake.
"I love you," she whispered softly, her eyes big as she gazed at him. "Not Kanan, you."
He stared at her silently. They weren't ready for those sorts of confessions, he thought blindly, stepping backwards. Too soon, too much had changed in too short a space of time. He needed to adjust to this new world first, before she threw more changes at him. "I'm sorry, Carter," he whispered, closing his eyes. When he opened them she'd turned away from him, and he knew she was crying because her head was hanging low and her shoulders shook slightly. He reached out, letting his fingers rest on the cool skin of her shoulders. It was satin smooth beneath his digits, and he brushed his fingers down the tops of her arms, marveling at the softness that could contain so much strength.
"I... I'm sorry too," she whispered.
"I won't let Kanan die," he said firmly.
"And I won't ask you to let him sacrifice himself," she agreed gently.
"Couldn't we even try?" He was horribly aware and ashamed of the way he almost whined as he asked the question, but desperation over shadowed dignity.
Her eyes were red and glistening as she turned back to him, brushing his hands off her shoulders. "No. I can't... I can't watch you become someone else."
He frowned. "I'm still me, Carter."
"But you're also Kanan. I know how it was with Jolinar, Sir. I picked up little bits of her, sometimes I think like her. I evaluate situations from her point of view before mine, sometimes. You're becoming more like Kanan and less like Jack O'Neill. Just like my Dad is more Tok'ra than human."
He froze, staring at her numbly. "That's not true," he whispered.
She laughed bitterly. "For crying out loud, Colonel, you're standing here talking to me honestly for a change. Doesn't that tell you all that you need to know?"
Yes, he realized dully, it did. But what scared him was the fact that he didn't mind sharing with Kanan. He didn't mind his identity subtly being change and merged with someone else's.
And maybe that was a sign of just how deep he was already caught in this trap.
o0o
Jack stared blankly at the wall, his mind empty and full at once. He could feel Kanan's restlessness, but he ignored the Tok'ra. He wanted to be by himself for a while; he didn't feel like company.
Sorry, I can't go anywhere, Kanan murmured, a touch of amusement present.
Jack scowled in annoyance, attempting to ignore the Tok'ra by turning his gaze back to the paper work on the desk in front of him. Mission reports. How on earth did Hammond put up with reading so many reports every day? Jack had thought he'd had it bad simply trying to write the damn things after each mission, but to read reports of teams going through the gate on a daily basis while he was stuck here, pushing paper on a large mahogany desk was wrong.
He itched to be out there, to feel the cold smoothness of his weapon in his hand, his body poised in readiness for action.
This isn't working, Kanan announced loudly, shattering Jack's thoughts and dragging him back to reality.
Kanan, would you just shut up? he sighed, squeezing his eyes shut and trying again to focus on the report.
You can't ignore me, Jack. I'm right here.
I'm not trying to ignore you, I am ignoring you, Jack returned spitefully.
You're not doing a very good job, Kanan returned evenly.
Well if you stopped talking to me, it would be a lot easier.
You're talking to me.
You're worse than my conscience, Jack complained, shifting on his chair.
Kanan remained silent, and despite the Tok'ra's effort to give him space, Jack felt his anger growing. It was unreasonable, unneeded and irrational, but it was there.
You're not happy.
No, I'm not. And neither are you.
Jack waited for Kanan to respond, waited for him to disagree or agree, to solve the problem they had found themselves in.
I want to go home, Jack, Kanan said softly. I want to go where the others are. I want to speak to people who understand what we are.
What we are, Jack echoed softly.
We're outcasts here, Jack. The only people who talk to us are Teal'c and Jonas, everyone else treats us like an outcast.
Carter doesn't, he defended loyally.
She doesn't treat you like an outcast, but you know how she feels about me, Kanan said softly.
"So what do you suggest we do?" Jack asked out loud, his voice bouncing around the empty room.
Take a break. Go visit the Tok'ra for a while. We've been here for a month now; we could use a small vacation.
Jack sighed; he didn't want to spend his vacation on a sandy planet playing second fiddle to a snake who controlled his body and was friends with all the other Tok'ra. Among the humans, Kanan was an outcast and among the Tok'ra, Jack was the one left out.
Two days, Kanan suggested pleadingly. I just... I need to tell them about Shallan.
And what if they find her, Kanan? What if they save her?
Kanan didn't answer, and Jack sighed heavily into his hands.
Words from long ago floated across his memory... 'the Tok'ra love as one'
Not in this case. Kanan loved Shallan; Jack didn't. And while he felt Kanan's love for the woman, it wasn't his. His was for someone else, someone who Kanan was curious about and cared about because of his feelings, but her reaction to Kanan stopped any possibility of the Tok'ra ever caring more about her.
Carter was right; it wouldn't work between the three of them.
Okay, Jack agreed softly, rising to his feet. I'll go talk to Hammond.
o0o
The minute they stepped through the Stargate into the searing heat of the desert planet the Tok'ra were currently living on, Jack stepped back and let Kanan take over. This was his turf; his people; his world. With Jack's opinions and mannerisms, his strength of belief challenging the Tok'ra ideals, he stuck out like a sore thumb, and paid the price of being regarded suspiciously by the other Tok'ra.
It is, I think, the Goa'uld's biggest mistake, Kanan commented as they trudged across the hot sand, the heavy boots they were sinking into the loose grains.
What is? Jack questioned absently, looking through Kanan's control of his eyes and watching the lines of sand dunes in the distance.
Disregarding the human - especially the Tau'ri - strength of character and complexity.
And you don't? Jack asked pointedly.
It is also a flaw of the Tok'ra, yes. You are complex and remarkable creatures, Jack.
We're not creatures, we're humans.
If the Goa'uld let their hosts speak and think, they would be almost impossible to defeat. As it is, their arrogance and denial of the wealth of knowledge humans possess... it is something the Tok'ra have come to value.
So what, you use our brains as well as our bodies? Jack demanded sourly, almost pulling his muscles into a scowl.
No. We have a genetic memory, Jack, and that memory influences the way we see and do things. We've done things the same way for thousands of years. To have someone fresh with an unblemished view of a situation, it leads to solutions previously unheard of. Especially with you, Jack. You are a very remarkable human.
Jack snorted mentally, and Kanan remained silent as they continued their trek towards the Tok'ra base.
So I have a question... Jack began.
Yes?
How do the Tok'ra know where to stand for the ring transporters?
Kanan's laughter rang loudly across the sandy planet, and Jack felt his mood lighten slightly; he even started to enjoy the hot sun shining down onto his head. It wasn't often they saw the sun anymore, hidden away in his little office in the bowels of Cheyenne, they'd become pale and white, their skin winter pale and soft.
This is home, Kanan said softly, reverence in his voice.
Jack stared around at the dun hills, the barren land sloping and rising gently as far as he could see, unblemished by any other color. No, this wasn't home.
Come, Jack. They're waiting for us.
o0o
This was, Jack decided as Kanan lifted the bowl to his lips and swallowed a small amount of the soup contained it, possibly one of the strangest experiences he'd ever had. Sitting in a roomful of people - or Tok'ra - he'd never met but knew almost intimately anyway was definitely unusual. Some Kanan were close to, and Jack automatically decided he preferred their company as well.
Carter was right; Kanan's personality was seeping into his own. He supposed it'd be hard to keep separate anyway, considering how close their brains were proportioned to one another and how much time they spent in each others company.
It is easier when you are accepted, Kanan said gently.
Accepted, yes. As Kanan's host, the others did accept him. As Jack O'Neill, they scorned his narrow mindedness and refusal to accept certain facts. His stubbornness irked them, and his determination in his beliefs so different to their own were a source of constant amusement. Didn't he know that they were right and he was a mere human, a host?
They do not consider you merely a host, Jack.
I consider myself merely a host.
The thought slipped out before he could stop it, and he felt Kanan recoil in pain.
I'm sorry, he apologized uneasily, but it was the truth. He may still be alive, yes, but it wasn't his life anymore. It was theirs. Someone else had equal say in what he did and what he didn't do, and Jack wasn't comfortable with that. He'd lost his team, his friendships, many of his rights he'd taken for granted. He'd lost Carter. But mostly, he'd lost himself.
Come, Kanan ordered, the distance in his voice causing Jack's guilt to increase ten fold. Let's go talk to Selmac.
The Tok'ra in question was in the council rooms with Garshaw, but when Kanan cleared his throat Selmac turned to them, Jacob Carter's eyebrows raised in question, a gesture Jack was very familiar with on Carter's face. "May we speak with you, Selmac?" Kanan requested, his control on Jack's vocal chords grating the words. He knew Carter hated the sound of Kanan talking through his voice. Now she understood how he'd felt when Jolinar had spoken to him. He shuddered involuntarily, guiltily grateful for Kanan's control of his body so that nothing of his thoughts were betrayed.
"Yes," Selmac nodded. He turned to Garshaw. "If you'll excuse me."
Garshaw nodded, and Jack saw the concern in her gaze as it flicked over him and Kanan before she swept out of the room, the absence of her presence leaving the room feeling almost empty.
"What's up, Jack?" It was Jacob that spoke, and Kanan released control to Jack.
"I'm not sure. Kanan wanted to talk to Selmac," Jack hedged, jamming his fists into his pockets.
Jacob raised his eyebrows again, shrugging. "Okay."
"O'Neill is having trouble, Jacob," Kanan interrupted. "I am not sure if this blending will work."
The words were hollow inside Jack, but the relief of having them out in the open over ride the tides of guilt they brought with them.
"I didn't think it would." Jacob was still in control, and a slight smile touched his lips. "Jack's not... I didn't think he'd take to it."
"It is not a matter of Jack not 'taking to it'," Kanan said simply, "the timing is what is not satisfactory."
Jack knew Jacob was curious now, and he sighed internally. Why couldn't you just have left it with me not being Tok'ra material?
Because that's not the truth, Jack.
Since when are the Tok'ra so big on the truth?
I have never lied to you, Jack, you know that. Jack remained silent, and Kanan's voice was irritated when he spoke again. Not all humans are truthful either, Jack. You're doing a very good job of lying to yourself, me and the people you care about.
The words stung.
"What do you suggest, Kanan?" Jacob asked at length.
"I have an idea, Jacob, but I do not know whether it will be accepted by Council, or whether it will even work."
Jack felt his eyes widen. Oh, he wasn't serious, was he?
But he was; Kanan had never been more serious.
"Jacob, you are going to love this," Jack muttered, slipping back again as Kanan took a deep breath and started explaining. Damn he hoped this plan worked. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted it to work.