Pills
by Kard of Dark
shinitagari no HAMUSTAA go PETTO SHOPPU de mawatteru.
nebari-tsuku nettai-gyo no kankaku.
fuusen nori ni demo naritai.
ippai no mushi no tamago de konna ni atama ga fukureru'nda, haretsu shisou.
--"Pet Shop" by Plastic Tree
The funeral was dismal, lifeless and incredibly hot in the humid air. People were crying this way and that as the priest did what he did and Kenshin's burned remains were put into the earth. He had been cremated on his mother's request. Kaoru secretly agreed; she did not want to imagine his body rotting in the earth.
No, she would have gladly gone on believing he was alive and by her side at that very moment and the funeral was for some other lost friend.
People were starting to leave the grave, going to the reception being held later at his mother's house. Except for a quick hug and a few tears, Kaoru did not see or touch or stand near the sobbing woman. She would only break out into more tears. And she did not want to cry any longer.
A gentle hand rested on her shoulder, giving her a small squeeze. It was meant as a sigh of comfort, but Kaoru paid no attention to it.
"He's in a better place, now," Sayo said, glancing at the tombstone for a moment before giving Kaoru a small smile. "And God will take care of him."
God? Kaoru wanted to scream. There was no God, only a devil. God would've kept Kenshin alive and in her arms. Safely tucked away from the rest of the world where the Devil lurked.
But she kept her act, shedding some tears seeking some comfort before excusing herself and leaving the cemetery for home. Home was the last place she needed to be as everything there reminded her of him, but she wanted him. So she went to submerse herself in painfully pleasant memories of the days they were together.
The subway, the streets, the walk there was all a blur until the key slipped into the lock and the door opened. The real world was her apartment, only her apartment was real. Here, he still existed, and he was her world.
Stripping off her clothes she showered using the shampoos, conditioner and soap he used, slipped into clothes that still smelled like him. She would cry it all out today and tomorrow be fine and in no need of being watched over from the pain of death.
She would be left to her pain at home only and in the unreal world the mask she decided to wear would fall in place and the game of pretend would continue.
Sinking into her bed, she buried her head into his pillow--it still smelled like him. This room held so many memories, sweet memories she did not want to lose. No one else would be able to make her feel loved and cherished like she felt when lost in his arms.
"Wake up sleepy head." Breath caressed her ear, sending shivers down her spine. Hands moved over her body, touching in all the right places, making her moan.
The moan woke her from her dream, and as blue eyes shot open to find lazy purple eyes gazing down at her as the red head straddled her hips. Lifting a hand she reached out to caress his face, he felt so cold as he leaned into her hand, a lock of hair falling into his face as he did so.
Kaoru's hand moved to brush it back but her hand went right through it instead, shattering his image. Shock filled her system. her mind was black, numb until something filled her and she darted from the room and to the kitchen sink where her pills were. She almost dropped the anti-depressant pills her hands shook so much, but she was able to swallow one.
The bottle dropped nonetheless, spilling the small yellow tablets across the tile floor. Her body crumpled into a ball as she started muttering odd things, but one this was clear. "Ghosts don't exist. It's all in your head."
She decided then that she would be sleeping on the couch. There was no way she would sleep on that bed again without some sort of help. And she didn't think doctors prescribed sleeping pills to people taking anti-depressants. Alcohol was out of the question, she never liked drinking as Kenshin sometimes did. She did not understand his need to drink. You didn't want to mix pills with alcohol, then again, you didn't usually want to mix a lot of things with pills.
Alcohol was just one of them.
Regaining her breath and nerves, she gathered the pills up and put them back in the bottle. Kenshin was borderline germ phobic so the kitchen floor was safe. Standing up, she told herself out loud that ghosts didn't exist and that it was all in her head.
Putting the bottle on the counter, she looked about herself, trying to find something to occupy herself with.
Some meaningless activity that would keep her from thinking, from feeling. That would keep her sane.
"Have you been sleeping well?" Megumi asked the patient as the young woman before her shook her head no.
The female doctor always thought Kamiya Kaoru had an innocent aura that oozed naivete‚ and ignorance, but not once had she seen the girl depressed. Though, she had been away at a conference the last week when Kaoru had been prescribed the anti-depressants.
Megumi sighed and looked at the paper before her. her blood pressure had lowered and she had lost weight. You could tell something was wrong, though, by looking at Kaoru. The pale skin, bags and dark circles around her eyes, were clear signs that something was wrong.
"Have you been eating right?"
It took Kaoru a moment to reply, as if she thought the whole question through to find the right answer. "Yeah, even though my cooking isn't the best." She gave a weak smile, looking at Megumi a second before looking away.
"You should be eating right, not getting sleeping pills. Or maybe getting a new bed. Sleeping pills are dangerous things, Kaoru," Megumi glared at her patient and glanced at her watch. "Now, I want you to wait here for ten minutes and then I'll take you out to lunch. And I want no arguments."
Kaoru just sat there looking at the floor, not replying. Giving a heavy sigh Megumi took the silence as a yes and left the room.
Down the hall she spotted Dr. Hino talking to a nurse, who giggled before leaving down another hall. He was the one who prescribed the pills to Kaoru. She wanted to scold him for doing that, but it was the right move as Kaoru showed signs of depression.
Though she was trying.
Passing him, she entered another waiting room for her last patient before lunch.
Hino walked down the hall and curiously looked into the room where Kaoru still sat. "Why hello. Didn't expected to see you back so soon."
He gave a big white smile as he entered the room, but Kaoru didn't look up. Reaching out, his fingers grasped her chin and forced her to look at him. First thing he noticed was her cold skin, the second was her lack of sleep.
"Came here for something to help you sleep? And the old fox wouldn't let you have any...that is her." He let go of her chin, rubbing his hands together. She felt so cold. The only response he got from her was the movement of her head sinking forward so her eyes rested on the floor once more.
"You know what, I'll prescribe you some, but you have to follow the directions. You don't want to risk taking more then directed." He gave her another smile and left the room, promising to go and file a order for the pills.
The room was once more quiet. She was cold, so very cold, because of him. He was always with her, Kenshin was always there. His spirit was following her, watching her and scaring her. But it was all in her mind, it had to be. This was a small set back in her plan, but the sleeping pills would help with that.
He wouldn't let her sleep long enough, and so she was always tired which interrupted her act. She couldn't act like she was over the whole event if she was too tired to make sure the mask was on her face.
Megumi returned, her purse and jacket in hand. "Come on, dear. There's this nice little restaurant with healthy food just down the street. It'll perfect for the both of us."
Taking Kaoru by the arm, they left the room and building for the quaint restaurant for a good lunch. Kaoru felt relaxed in the woman's presence. Megumi treated Kaoru as a friend instead of a patient. Kaoru decided that with some more thought and time, she could see doctors like Megumi as people who cured others instead of helpers of death.
A hamster, seemingly intent on death, is turning around and around in the pet shop.
The sensation of sticky tropical fish.
I want to ride up in a balloon, or something.
My head is so swollen with insect eggs that it feels like it's going to explode.
The only significant sentence in that verse was the first one, and it relates to why she is going to the doctor in the first place. And that in turn relates to the title of the story. But there is symbolism in it all. This chapter is entitled "Pet Shop Beginning" because there is an ending to it, though it won't come for a while.
The alcohol holds no symbolism, I don't drink myself, so I don't understand what people would feel or think when drunk. I don't wish to ask anyone either. The reference to God and the Devil earlier on is understandable in the thoughts of someone whose lots a loved one and they think it is unfair, so they condemn God. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but it is from my own opinion and perspective.
Kaoru hasn't liked doctors from the beginning, and this turn of events is slowly changing Kaoru's opinion, but the change of feelings will be a bumpy one as things go on and the two become friends. Remember, Megumi does not know Kenshin or of his death and about Kaoru and Kenshin's relationship. So she is clueless as to why Kaoru is depressed, but does not offer the choice of a psychiatrist because Kaoru is "trying" to get over her depression with the help of the medication.
Now, my own little rant here. Well, I rewrote this chapter three times...it wasn't much fun, but I liked this one the best and it fits how I want everything to go. Thank you to my beta-reader MoMo-ChAn for proofreading this for me. You've been a great help.