A/N: I got this idea while watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. In order for you to understand this, you really have to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show. Don't kill me, please. Poor, poor, Professor Snape.
Rocky Horror Hogwarts Show
Professor Snape furiously stalked into Potions, his robes billowing gracefully behind him. Last night, in his opinion, had been a complete disaster. Albus Dumbledore, in his infinite wisdom, had called for a movie night for all seven years as well as the faculty. No exceptions. And, of course, Sybil just HAD to suggest Rocky Horror Picture Show; Severus's all time favorite movie. Let's do the Time Warp Again... He shook his head slightly. That damn song just wouldn't go away! It was so catchy! And, because he was the Greasy Git of Hogwarts, the resident evil teacher, he couldn't even throw one solitary piece of toast or light his special magical lighter! It was so unfair! Albus at least had the common sense to set the fourth years and younger up with Shrek. He could just imagine the irate parents screaming and beating down Hogwart's doors, demanding the Headmaster's resignation... that would be the day. Since he couldn't throw his toast or play with the squirt guns, or, heaven forbid, show up in costume, he had to watch the movie again in his quarters, well three more times, acting out every scene in his costume- a black cape, silver corset, black satin panties and fishnets. He was Dr. Frank N. Furter, right down to the silver five inch high heel shoes.
He sneered at the Gryffindors, while inwardly bemoaning his fate. Gryffindors, first thing in the morning! This is insane! And last night, THEY got to throw bread and dance and sing along, while I just had to sit there. Where did they learn the lines, anyway?! He nodded to his Slytherins, who had the decency to not fill the air with meaningless chatter, as his head felt like it was about to explode. It's just a jump to the left, and then a step to the ri-i-i-i-ight... STOP!!! He massaged his temples wearily.
"The assignment is on the board," he said, his silky voice, his best feature, he might add, resonating around the classroom. "The ingredients are in the store room, except for the Hag's hair. For that, you must see me at the appropriate time in your brewing." Everyone stared back at him dumbly. "Well? What are you waiting for- the Second Coming? Get to it!" Honestly, these brats are incompetent. Every single one of them, with the exception of Granger. No, she's a competent know- it- all, which is even worse. I swear, if Lucius hadn't seen me in my Furter costume, I could fail his son like he deserves.
"It's astounding. Time is fleeting. Madness takes its toll," A voice jerked Snape from his musings. He turned around and saw Seamus standing on his chair.
"Mr. Finnegan!" he barked savagely. "Get down!" Seamus jumped onto the floor lightly and Snape settled down into his chair.
"But listen closely," Seamus continued, undeterred.
"Not for very much longer," Hermione drawled.
"I've got to keep control," Seamus chanted back. Suddenly, he jumped onto the table. "I remember, doing the Time Warp, drinking, those moments when, the blackness hit me," he sang at the top of his lungs.
Hermione chimed in and they sang together, "And the voice would be calling, let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp Again!"
Harry, Dean, Ron, Lavender and Padma started singing and dancing, along with Seamus and Hermione. "It's just a jump to the left," they jumped, "And then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight. Put your hands on your hips, and pull your knees in ti-i-i-i-ght. It's just a pelvic thrust that makes you go insa-a-a-a-ane. Let's do the Time Warp Again!"
The Slytherin students watched them incredulously, their potions ingredients already set up. "What the- Professor Snape, do something!" Pansy complained.
"They're ruining my concentration!" Draco snapped.
Professor Snape watched them, his jaw brushing the floor. "Students- Gryffindors- oh hell, I give up," he grumbled, secretly enjoying the singing. His foot started tapping in time to the music that Harry had produced with a wave of his wand.
"It's so dreamy," Hermione drawled, in her best Magenta Voice. "Oh fantasy, free me! So you can't see me, no, not at all. In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention, well secluded, I see all."
"With a bit of a mind flip," Seamus drawled.
"You're into a time slip!" Hermione yelled.
"And nothing can ever be the same," Seamus yelled back.
"It's the start of sensation."
"Like you're under sedation!" Seamus screamed.
"Let's do the Time Warp again!" Hermione and Seamus sang at the top of their lungs. "Let's do the Time Warp again!"
Ron started singing in a whiny falsetto. "Well, I was walking down the street, just having a thing when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook me up and took me by surprise. He had a pickup truck and the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I vowed to change. Time ain't nuthin when you're-"
"MR. WEASELEY!!!" Severus roared.
Ron jumped and stared at the fuming Potions Master. "Yes, Professor Snape?" he asked in a trembling voice.
Professor Snape loomed over him. "If you're going to sing and enact the best movie on the planet," Oh, the gates of Hell are opening and welcoming me, "then do so in the correct costumes. You are Columbia, correct?" I am going to so be fired...
Ron's jaw dropped, as did everyone else's. "Yes, sir," he stuttered.
"And, you," he rounded on Hermione and Seamus, "are Magenta and Riff Raff, correct?" They nodded dumbly. "Who is Furter? Janet? Brad Major?" Harry, Lavender and Neville raised their hands. "Excellent. Now get into the appropriate getup for your characters. And if ANYONE breathes a word about this I will test experimental poisons on you!"
The Gryffindors let out a cheer while the Slytherins just sat there, stunned. "Pro- professor?" Draco stuttered. "What is going on?"
"Oh, for once in your life, do shut up," Snape snapped. He whirled back to the Gryffindors. "Now, back to costumes."
Harry grinned and dropped his robes. Draco yelped and covered his eyes at the black corset with red and blue stitching, black satin panties, fishnets, and silver stiletto high heals. Harry crossed his arms smugly as Pansy's, Blaise's and the rest of the Slytherin's jaws dropped as they stared at the cross dressing Boy Who Lived.
"Damn..." Pansy muttered. "He looks better in that than I do... and I have the right equipment." Blaise gulped and nodded, her eyes raking over the figure in front of her.
Draco peered between his fingers and groaned. "Would you put some bloody clothes on??" he snapped, covering his eyes again.
Hermione, Ron, Seamus, Neville and Lavender, in quick succession, dropped their robes as well. Hermione was wearing a short, dark dress with white cuffs and collar. She quickly produced a brush and frizzed up her hair. Ron wore a bright pink and silver corset, black tap shorts and tap shoes. His hair had changed from its customary fire engine red to hot pink. Seamus had a Victorian style black jacket and pants, and one of his shoulders appeared to be deformed. His hair grew seven inches and turned blond. Neville was impressive in a dark blue suit, and Lavender looked very pretty in a pale purple dress and a wide brimmed white straw hat.
"Very good," Professor Snape drawled, looking over them with a critical eye. "Do you know your lines?"
Harry snickered. "I have the video, in wide screen. We've watched this movie almost 40 times- in the last month."
Professor Snape's eyes widened. "You were able to get the movie to work in Hogwarts? That's advanced magic!"
Hermione blushed. "Thank you," she murmured.
Snape's eyebrows rose. "I'll deny it and hunt you down, Miss Granger if you tell anyone, but good job. Twenty points to Gryffindor for excellent spell casting."
"All right, let's start," Hermione said briskly. "Professor, what role do you want?" she asked politely.
Snape grinned. "Since I'm already your professor, I'll be the Professor! And the rest of you," he said, staring at the Slytherins, "can be the extra people."
The Slytherins groaned collectively. Draco thumped his head on the desk, muttering about writing a letter to his father.
"You'll do no such thing, Mr. Malfoy," Snape growled. "I'll flunk you!"
Draco's jaw dropped. "You- you wouldn't," he stuttered, his face paling considerably.
Snape's eyes narrowed. "Don't push me, Malfoy. I've put up with your father long enough. I won't be pushed by a little tyke as well."
Draco pouted. "You're my Godfather. Why are you being so mean?"
"I don't know, why are you being a God awful little brat?" Snape countered bitingly.
Draco clammed up and crossed his arms.
They ran through the first half hour of the show without a hitch, until Harry 'Dr. Furter', made his grand appearance.
"No, no, Potter," Snape snapped, throwing up his hands. "You need more pelvic thrusts!" He threw his hands up in exasperation. "Here, let me show you!" He led Harry in a rousing rendition to "Sweet Transvestite," complete with erotic and explicit dance moves.
Draco's jaw dropped. "That's insane!" he protested, quite loudly. He was the ONLY one left protesting among the students. Everyone else was still doing the Time Warp over and over and over across the back of the room.
Harry, under Snape's instruction, entered as Dr. Frank N. Furter, wrapped in a black cape with a silver lining. Once he had moved the movie to the point in Furter's lab, Harry stopped. "We don't have a Rocky," he muttered.
Snape raised an eyebrow. "And why is that? Surely one of you has cast him? Dean, perhaps?"
"No, Sir," Dean said calmly. "I'm Eddie."
"Oh." Professor Snape sighed. "Well, you know the requirements."
"Yes, Sir. Blond, stacked, and rocks for brains," Hermione drawled. She and Harry brightened and turned, staring at Draco with calculating expressions.
"Professor," they said in a sing song. "We found the prefect Rocky." They advanced on the unaware Draco.
Professor Snape stared at his Godson with a smirk. Rocks for brains, indeed. "If he agrees to it."
Harry leaned over to Hermione. "Would it be unethical to put him under the Imperious?"
Snape choked slightly. Draco stared at the advancing Gryffindors with disdain. "I am not partaking in this insanity," he snarled.
Harry waved his wand before putting it back in his corset. "Yes you are."
Draco stood up and snarled. "No I'm not!"
Hermione stared at Draco with wide eyes. "You're right, Harry, he is a perfect Rocky."
Draco looked down at himself and screamed before passing out. Where his school robes had been was now only a gold bikini bottom and gold calf high boots. Harry simply picked Draco up and dumped him on top of a desk. "That can be the tank. Places everyone?"
Everyone took their places and Snape called "Action!"
They continued, with the unconscious Draco playing Rocky. At least, he remained unconscious until Harry started yelling about Rocky and pulling on his arm. He shot up and stared around wildly.
"What the hell is going on? Where am I???" Draco screamed. He finally stared down at himself and started screaming incoherently. He shot to his feet and sprinted out the door.
Harry chased after him, still in character. "ROCKY!!!! COME BACK!!!!!" he screamed, chasing Draco through the dungeons. "ROCKY!!! Oh, hell, MALFOY, GET YOUR GOLDEN CLAD ASS BACK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, YOU BLOODY PERVERT!!!!!!!!!!!" Draco screamed back, his voice echoing faintly throughout the hallways.
Professor Snape and the rest of the Potions class crowded in the doorway, watching with glee as the golden bikini clad Draco was chased through the hallways by the corset clad Harry.
"Ten galleons says he catches him," Seamus bet Pansy.
"You're on!" Pansy smirked. "GO DRACO!!! RUN!! RUN!!!"
"GO HARRY!!! GET THAT SLIMY BUGGER!!!" Ron and Seamus cheered.
Professor Snape smirked at his students. "All bets have to go through me," he announced. "Ten galleons to start. Do I hear twenty?"
The Slytherins quickly pulled out their coin purses and placed their bets, the Gryffindors doing the same.
Twenty minutes later, an exhausted Draco stumbled into the classroom. "Hide me," he begged his housemates. "Please!" Harry staggered through the doorway and Draco dove into the enormous cauldron behind Snape's desk, only to shoot out of it just as quickly, his costume dripping wet and sagging precariously off his hips.
"OOH, we're up to the pool scene?" Harry squealed, diving into the cauldron himself. He hopped back out and advanced on the terrified Draco, his corset unlacing and sagging down around his waist. Draco blinked in surprise.
"Potter, what happened to you?" he asked warily. "Why do you have... um...wow.... Professor, what was in that cauldron?"
Harry shrugged. "What do you mean?" His voice was higher than normal, and for some reason, his chest felt heavier... he looked down. "OH MY GOD!!!!!!!" 'she' screamed. 'She' dove, she tackled, and they landed on the floor! They rolled around, wrestling. Hermione, her eyes wide, accioed Colin Creevey's camera and started taking pictures. Pansy wrestled with her for the camera, determined to take some pictures of her own.
"MINE!!! BITCH!!!" Hermione shrieked, clawing at Pansy.
"WHORE!!!" Pansy shrieked, raking her nails across Hermione's face.
They both missed Harry's corset and panties falling off, joined by Draco's golden bikini bottom.
"Ummm, whoops," Harry muttered, 'her' face purple. Hastily, 'she' yanked 'her' scanty clothing back up, avoiding looking at Draco, who was openly staring at 'her'.
"Right," Draco drawled, leisurely pulling his bikini back up. "That merits some consideration. You make a hot girl." He lunged forward and grabbed Harry's shoulders, pressing their lips together firmly.
Professor Snape's eyes widened and his eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. "Well, that was unexpected," he said to no one in particular. Hermione and Pansy stopped fighting over the camera long enough to see Draco pinning Harry to the floor, snogging 'her' senseless. They scrambled and started taking pictures again. Hermione conjured popcorn and passed it around.
At last, Harry managed to get out from under 'her' nemesis. "Ummm, Malfoy, what the hell are you trying to do?" 'she' squeaked in alarm.
Draco's eyes grew predatory. "Why, you, of course." Harry meeped and skidded across the floor. Professor Snape fell over, laughing, followed by the majority of the students in the room.
"Um, Malfoy, can we talk this over? I ummm... HELP!!!!!" 'she' shrieked, sprinting for the exit.
Draco quickly got to his feet and followed. "POTTER, GET YOUR BLACK SATIN CLAD ASS BACK HERE!!!!!!!"
"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, YOU BLOODY PERVERT!!!!!!" Harry shrieked, 'her' voice growing fainter by the second.
"DON'T MAKE ME GET MY WHIPS AND CHAINS, YOU COCK TEASE!!!!!"
Professor Snape straightened up. "Bets anyone?" Everyone reached for their purses.
A/N: So ends Professor Snape's obsession with the Rocky Horror Picture show. I hope you liked.
B/N: If you haven't seen the movie, you probably won't get it, but believe me, this is as good as it gets!!!!! And, by the way, that is meant as a compliment... (if Laura doesn't take it that way I just might be out of a job...)
Laura stops advancing on Annie with the frying pan.
A/n: That is so sweet! Runs over and gives her beta sister a huge hug, accidentally hitting her with the frying pan in the process OHMYGOD!!! ANNIE! Are you ok?? I didn't mean to!!!
B/N: Note to all people out there: when glomping other people, never carry large, heavy objects!!! Now that the note is over, I am going to go get a cold pack, some headache pills, and hopefully a bottle of vodka!
A/N: Never mix pain pills with alcohol... you could die!
B/N: Sweet oblivion! Why do you evade me so?!
A/N: Annie, we will get you help. I hope...