Self Help
"Today you are a new man," Fox Mulder said to his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He straightened his jacket, tugged at his tie, and flashed a bright smile.
"Take control of your life, accept responsibility for your actions, and you will relish every day that you are alive," he chanted to himself as he made his way to the fish tank.
"Old habits are easy to break—if you put your mind to it. Concentrate. Concentrate now, don't dump the fish food. Scatter it. Scatter, scatter, slowly, here ya go, good morning, mmm-mmm, isn't that good…" Mulder capped the fish food and heaved a satisfied sigh. "Today I am a new man."
He straightened up and took a long look around his apartment. "Old habits are easy to break…" He eyed the cartons of Chinese takeout perched on and around his couch. "I will cook tonight!"
He folded the blanket he'd used the night before into a neat little square. "Clean clean clean, messes create a stuffy atmosphere, and your brain does not work properly. Create a clear space around you…" He picked up the papers that had been left on the floor for the past few months.
The clock radio went off somewhere in the kitchen. "A new day has come…"
"A new day has come," Mulder said firmly to himself.
"Today I am a new man."
The car was at a standstill on the George Washington Memorial Parkway.
"Patience is a virtue. When angry, take a deep breath and count slowly to a hundred…four, five, six…"
Horns blared all around him. Mulder glanced at his watch. 8:23.
His finger began a slow tap against the steering wheel.
"Twenty-seven, twenty-eight, I am a new man, I am a new man, I am a new man…"
"Good morning, Scully!" Mulder called as he stepped through the doorway. Scully turned in surprise. He grinned broadly.
"Good night?" Scully asked, eyebrows raised.
"Perfect night!"
Scully nodded very slowly. "Good."
Mulder jiggled his leg up and down in suppressed excitement. The two of them have been sitting there all morning, reading files, filling out paperwork. Not a word had been exchanged. He couldn't wait anymore.
"Guess what, Scully?"
His partner looked up.
Mulder sat up straighter. His face glowed so much it was like a light bulb.
"What, Mulder?" Scully asked impatiently.
Mulder swung his arm up from behind the desk. A small pamphlet was clutched in his hand. His smile was so wide it almost split his face.
Scully took one look and began to laugh. "You are a New Man? Mulder, have you been reading that? Is that why you haven't complained all morning?" She continued to snicker. "You want me to call you Esther, too?"
Mulder looked hurt. "It's not funny, Scully, it really works." He continued earnestly, "I am a new man. I'm cleaning up the mess at my place, getting rid of the porn, eating right—wanna see my arteries, Scully? I'm even being nice to people I don't think I like."
His words were met with a blank expression.
Mulder plowed on. "I'm thinking about writing letters of apology to all the people I've insulted. I'm beginning to learn the Bureau dance. And I'm going to paint the apartment a bright, lush, lavender."
Scully tried to arrange the most scathing face she could. She failed miserably. Her eyes crinkled merrily at the corners. "You're a moron."
Mulder's face fell. "Oh."
A/N: Thanks for the reviews. What do you think about this one?