AN: As a side note, Erik just isn't as...Eriky without his cape, so he'll be wearing his backup cape for the duration of this story. Thank you.
The Overture plays. During the whole thing, everyone hears mysterious whispers, seemingly coming from all over the theatre. But none of the cast members really care and the two viewers are too enthralled by the display onstage to turn their heads and try to ascertain the source of the sounds. They cease as soon as Raoul walks onstage and starts singing.
Raoul: These troooooooooooophies! From our saviours, from our saviours! From the enslaving force of ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!
Emily: DAAAAAAAHHH! What are you doing? You were supposed to switch places with M-- wait a minute. You just sang that in the correct octave. [pales]
Kristin: And what's worse: he sounded better than Carlotta.
Raoul: [proudly] I did and you know it! Now let me be Carlotta for the rest of the scene or I'll tell the TAWP president that you just sent all of his agents on a "mission" to the Sahara Desert.
Emily: [furious] How did you find out about that?! [reconsiders, gets evil grin on her face] Now I have to kill you.
New Chorus Girl: (the one who bandaged his head earlier) NOOOO! You can't do that! He's so handsome and friendly and Erik is so...creepy.
Emily: Pamela?? Is that you?? How can you possibly like him? I mean, he's...he's...
Erik: A fop?
Emily: Yes, thank you. A fop! [moans] Where did I go wrong?
[All gasp]
Meg: You mean...
Emily: Yes. It's true. I introduced her to the Phantom of the Opera in all its glorious splendor... [sobs] I have failed!
Kristin: Oh, don't hold it against yourself. It's not your fault she likes soprano boy.
Erik: [thinks: hmm, if Raoul is occupied with Pamela, then...] Besides, I'm sure she'll warm up to me. [grins and gives a short, low chuckle]
[All Erik phangirls: now is your chance to swoon.]
Carlotta: [who has a notebook out ready to take notes on Raoul's performance] May we continue now?
Emily: Right. On with the show!
The entire cast breaks into The Show Must Go On from Moulin Rouge. Emily and Kristin join in.
All: The show must go oooooon! The show must go ooooon!
Erik: [expressively] Outside the dawn is breaking on the stage that holds our final destiny!
All: The show must go oooooon! The show must go ooooon!
Meg: Inside my heart is breaking
Raoul: My makeup may be flaking [receives weird looks]
Emily: But my smile still stays on!
All: The show must go oooooon! The show must go ooooon!
Raoul: Aghem. May I sing now? Uninterrupted??
Emily: Well, if you must. [sneaks everyone a pair of earplugs]
Raoul: ...hear the drums! Hannibal coooooooooomes!
But in the ensuing silence, an altercation can now be heard...
Reyer: Look, I've been doing this enough to know that it is indeed 'Rome' not 'Roma'--
Piangi: Si, but the first time you're supposed to get it wrong. You say 'Roma' not 'Rome'--
Reyer: But-- but I'm incapable of getting it wrong! I'm paid to be right all the time!
Emily: Think of it as character building.
Reyer: [whimpers] I'm going to need therapy after this.
Silence.
Christine: Umm, we don't have a Lefevre.
Kristin: [steps down] I'll be Lefevre! What do I do?
Christine: Just show the new managers around.
Kristin: Oook. So this is the set of Hannibal, and people are practicing and stuff. [indicates] There's Christine, Meg, Madame Giry, Carlotta, Piangi, Reyer, and some other random people, like...Agent Mulder???
Agent Mulder: (from X-Files) The aliens are in league with the Nazis! And they built a robot army to steal all the twinkies!
Raoul: NOT THE TWINKIES!
Emily: Why twinkies?
Agent Mulder: Because...[looks around suspiciously] They're the government's secret source of power! Apparently, the alien and Nazi alliance also sent every last TAWP member to the Sahara Desert on a decoy mission. Normally, we have coping procedures, but without the twinkies--they're all stranded there!
Raoul: Umm, that wasn't the Nazis, it--[Emily glares, Erik pulls out his punjab lasso, and Christine makes the little throat cut sign, just as--]
Agent Scully: [walks in] What's going on here?
Mulder: I was just...umm...
Scully: [surveys the scene] You weren't possibly relating your latest theory involving aliens and Nazis, were you?
Kristin: [thinking quickly] Here are your two tickets to Thursday evening's performance, Agent Mulder! [hands him the tickets]
[Scully raises her eyebrow while Mulder tries to look innocent]
Scully: I can't wait. But right now, we have paperwork to complete, right Mulder?
Mulder: [sulks] Right...[follows Scully out]
Carlotta and Giry: [as the managers] ...Ok.
Kristin: [raises eyebrow] So umm, Carlotta's going to sing for you now, right?
Raoul: Right!
Kristin: Ok, so M. Reyer, if you please?
Piangi: Certainly! [plays the intro surprisingly well]
Raoul: Think of me, think of me fondly...[he continues]
That once again you long
To take your heart--AAAAHHHHHHHHH!
The set has crashed to the stage a bit too close to Raoul
[whiningly] That thing almost hit me!Emily: [who has somehow worked her way onstage] Too bad it missed.
Erik: [grins] Maybe next time it won't.
Raoul: [shakily] No next time for me. I mean, I'm not an idiot.
Everyone looks at him as if to say, "and you're sure of this?"
Raoul: Umm...well, I...
Pamela: Awww, of course he's not. hugs Raoul to comfort him
Emily and Kristin shake their heads.
Emily: Only you could feel sorry for--
But she is cut off as another set crashes to the stage, this time smothering Raoul underneath its billowing folds!
Erik: [snickers] Well, that takes care of that. And now--
[He sings expressively and in his own octave might I add.]
Think of me
Think of me fondly
When we've said goodbye
Remember me
Ev'ry so often--
Pamela: Wait...wait wait wait. That's not right.
Erik: It's the Broadway version
Emily: You have no idea how much that freaked me out when I heard it the first time.
Erik: [continues to sing]
...There will never be a day
When I won't think of you!
Meg: Can it be?
Can it be Christine?
Emily: I mean, I was actually sitting the Majestic trying to sing along and--
Meg: ...He may not remember me
But I remember him!
Emily: Wait, wait. 'Him' does not rhyme with 'were'.
Meg: But...but...do you want me to call Erik... [dramatic pause] a girl?!
[All gasp]
Emily: Well you already called him 'Christine'.
Meg: True. But...but I don't want to tick him off.
Emily: But artistically--
Kristin: Emily.
Emily: What?
Kristin: Leave it.
Emily: But...
Kristin: I'll tell them about the incident with the postage stamps and the vegetables if you don't--
Emily: Oooook, moving right along!
[Erik finishes the song with a masterful crescendo]
Emily: sniffle That was beautiful!
Erik: Well I did teach Christine everything she knows
Christine: And that my father didn't teach me.
Erik: ...right.
Christine: Oh, and Erik?
Erik: [fairly purring] Yes, my dear?
Christine: What's with all the beadwork on this cape? It...sparkles.
Raoul: Oooo it does! Pretty sparkles!
Erik: [snarls] Shut up! Or the next 'sparkles' you see will be from my flaming skull head of DOOM! [Reaches inside his (backup) cloak for skull head staff] Grrr, where is it?
Christine: Looking for this? [holds out staff]
Erik: [growls, mumbles]
Christine: [hands the staff to him] I'm beginning to think this cape is your secret source of power...
Erik: [indigant] It most certainly--
Meg: [riding the zip line from the box down to the stage] Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Raoul: I didn't know we had a zip line...
Pamela: We do now, apparently.
Raoul: Oooo, it looks like fun! I've got to try!
Pamela: Raoul! No, your head--
But it is too late. Raoul has grabbed the handles and started to make his descent. Unfortunately, he sees the ground nearing and panicks.
Raoul: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
He then lets go of the handles a bit too early, crashes to the stage, and succeeds in rolling off of it. Again. But this time he tries to catch himself with his hands and both of his wrists break on impact!
Raoul: ...ow.
Pamela: [sigh] Does he do this all the time?
All: [nodding] Yeah, pretty much.
AN: Hmm, so I cut out some stuff and added some stuff...much better I think.