A/N: To those who were kind with their nagging/emails, I thank you. To
those who were less than kind (and you know who you are), we won't discuss
it. Special thanks to Marian and Anne for the beta. I'm trying to get ahead
so that when school starts up next week, I'll have some parts saved, but
it's slow going, guys. Also, I'd like to thank you all again for reading
and critiquing. It means a lot.
Chapter 13: Lucky
It was two weeks after Christmas when Ginny made a rather dismal discovery. She didn't know how to be Harry's friend.
The notion sounded stupid even to her own ears, but after a return to Hogwarts she could only describe as strange, there was simply no other explanation for the way she was feeling. It was bad enough that she saw him almost every waking moment of the day. Between Quidditch and meals, and the fact that they were in the same House, Harry seemed to be underfoot almost constantly. But to make matters infinitely worse, he seemed to be adapting altogether TOO well to friendship.
There was a duality in their relationship she was finding increasingly difficult to ignore. She would sit sometimes, listening to him talk about something mundane, like O.W.L.S. and it was as though she were standing outside of herself, watching the scene and feeling like an utter fraud. She had kissed him. She remembered that. Sometimes, it was difficult NOT to remember that.
And yet, there he would be, drinking his pumpkin juice, acting for all the world like nothing had changed.
She didn't know how he managed it. The only thing she could think of to explain his incredible ability to slip right into an easy friendship with her was that he simply hadn't felt what she had. But she knew it would be rewriting history to say that.
So what she was left with was a good deal of confusion coupled with a healthy dose of anxiety. All things considered, it was difficult to see how she was any better off now than she had been before the DA party. In fact, she felt worse. At least before, they hadn't ever bothered to term their relationship. Now, she knew exactly what he expected of her. He wanted to be her friend.
She felt herself gradually overcome by the nasty proposition that she was now trapped in a place she did not wish to be and one she did not know how to get out of. In a fit of desperation, she had confessed at least a part of what had happened to Neville. Even leaving out most of the details, it felt a bit odd to be discussing this sort of problem with a boy - but Ginny told herself she needed a fresh perspective. If she was to be entirely honest, however, she also needed to talk to someone closer. It wasn't quite that she distrusted Hermione, but with Neville, Ginny knew that if there was ever a question, his loyalties lay firmly with her.
Unfortunately, even talking to Neville did little good. He seemed to think she wasn't patient enough. To her, however, it was impossible to be patient because the whole situation felt cheap and artificial. Forced.
But the worst part was, she felt guilty. If she couldn't genuinely find it in herself to be friends with Harry, she wasn't sure what she would do.
And now, sitting in the library across from him, she tried to keep her increasingly jumbled thoughts at bay and attempted, yet again, to concentrate on her homework.
Unfortunately, it was nearly impossible what with.well, what with the staring.
The moment Harry had asked if he could come study with her, Neville and Luna, Ginny had wanted to tell him no. It wasn't that her friends embarrassed her, but she knew Luna acted a bit eccentric sometimes and Harry never took well to that. It was the sort of thing that was bound to make them all feel uncomfortable.
And now, inexplicably, Luna had spent the last fifteen minutes staring at them. Normally, Ginny would have asked her what was going on, but with Harry there, she wasn't sure she wanted an answer. Neville was no help. Every time Ginny glanced in his direction, he simply leaned over his paper and scribbled harder.
She reckoned the staring wouldn't have been so bad had Luna not been sporting the oddest look on her face. It was a cross between satisfaction and supreme benevolence. That, and the fact that she sighed every time she switched from staring at Harry to Ginny and back again.
Harry coughed then and Ginny looked up, bracing herself to defend Luna's admittedly dotty behavior but he simply continued writing. She didn't know why on earth he'd want to come study without Ron and Hermione anyway.
After a particularly loud sigh, Ginny closed her eyes and put down her quill. "Problem, Luna?" she asked, trying to keep her voice calm.
"No," Luna responded with a dreamy smile. "Actually, this is perfect. Thank you, Ginny. Thank you."
"Uhm.well, you're welcome," Ginny responded, now more confused than before.
"Although, now that you mention it, Harry." Luna drawled.
Harry glanced up and did what Ginny believed was the best impression yet of someone truly engrossed in his work. "Hm?"
"Could you be a dear and move your book?"
"Oh sorry, I didn't realize that-" He stopped mid-sentence, clearly noting that none of his books were anywhere near any of Luna's things, nor were they obstructing any discernable view. He cleared his throat. "Uhm, which one, Luna?"
"The green one."
"Ah. Okay." He paused. "Where would you like me to move it?"
"Oh, roughly two inches to the left, if you could. My left, that is."
Ginny gnawed on her bottom lip as Harry complied.
"Oh, marvelous. Thank you, Harry!"
"No problem," Harry shot Ginny a good-natured smile and started to go back to his work.
"Now, Ginny-" Luna began, eyeing Ginny's rucksack critically.
"Luna, are you hungry?" Ginny asked.
"Come to think of it.yes."
"Neville?"
"Famished," he responded, without looking up.
"Dinner?"
"Sounds good," Harry said, slamming his book shut. "I'm going to drop my books off at the Tower first."
"Me too," Neville said.
"Brilliant, I'll come with you," Ginny said.
"I only have half a foot left for this essay," Luna sucked thoughtfully on her quill.
"I can fetch you on our way back," Neville responded.
And with that, the trio departed at a quick clip towards Gryffindor Tower. The journey was silent, and mercifully so for Ginny, who was caught between being aggravated with Luna for acting so strangely and aggravated with herself for being so judgmental. Luna was her friend and Ginny knew she shouldn't mind what others thought, but Harry wasn't just anyone and that she cared so much about his opinion irked her.
Ever since she'd returned from Christmas holiday she'd felt herself increasingly on edge. Climbing through the portrait hole, she spotted her brother and Hermione reading by the fire.
"Off to dinner?" she heard Ron ask as she made her way upstairs.
"Yes," Harry responded, "I just want to drop this off in our room first."
"Brilliant, we'll join you."
Hurrying up the rest of the stairs, Ginny walked down the hall to the fifth year dormitory. Throwing her rucksack at the foot of her bed, she took a few minutes to put her books in her trunk before making her way back downstairs.
She found Harry perched on the arm of the sofa, waiting for the rest of their group to come back. She smiled at him slightly before coming to lean against the back of the sofa. Not particularly in the mood for conversation, she stared at the fire.
There was a moment of awkward silence before he let out a small laugh, causing her to glance his way.
"So, you know, studying with Luna and Neville-"
"Was bloody awkward, I know. I'm sorry." She blushed. "Last time we'll ever do that again, eh?"
His smile faltered somewhat. "Actually, I was going to say that I got quite a bit more work done than I usually do."
"Oh." She didn't quite know what else to say.
"Ron and Hermione can get a little distracting sometimes."
"Oh," she repeated uselessly.
There was another moment of silence before he spoke again.
"You.you thought it was awkward?"
"Oh, no! No. Not at all." she tried to give him a breezy smile but her lips felt stiff and she wasn't quite sure she'd managed it.
He stared at her, as though expecting some form of elaboration, but the words froze and her mind was terrifyingly blank. The echo of footsteps sounded on the stairs and it was with no small amount of relief that she spotted Ron and Neville coming down towards them. "Ready, then?" she called to the boys and tried valiantly to ignore the feeling of Harry's eyes still on her.
"Just waiting for Hermione," Ron said.
"Here. Sorry, there was a slight crisis upstairs." Hermione appeared, looking rather rumpled as she joined the group.
"Not a problem, let's be off then." Ginny grabbed hold of Neville's arm and led the way out the portrait hole, distancing herself as far from Harry as possible.
"You all right?" Neville whispered to her once they were several feet in front of their friends.
"Just a complete coward, that's all," she said with a sigh, glancing over her shoulder to make sure the others were out of earshot.
"She had a dream, you know," he murmured as they made their way down the hall.
"What?"
"Luna. She was just telling me she had a dream of you and Harry studying in the library when the two of you walked in."
"Ah." Ginny wrinkled her nose. "How odd."
"I know. That's why she was so.happy."
"I see. Neville, why is Luna having dreams about Harry and me studying in the library?"
"I don't know."
"Is this the first time?"
"I don't know."
"You're not being helpful."
"I could ask her."
"Please do."
"Gin?"
"Yes?"
"You aren't a coward."
"Thank you, Neville."
He nudged her playfully. "I'm serious."
With a soft moan, she rested her head on his arm. "I don't know how to act around him anymore, Neville, and it's driving me mad."
"He told you he wanted to be your friend."
"Yes."
"That should make things easier."
"Well, it doesn't."
"I reckon you'll work it out."
"He's so at ease and I swear everything I say makes me sound like an utter fool."
"You're no fool, Gin. You're no coward, either." He slowed down then, allowing the others to catch up. "Luna asked me to fetch her from the library when we went," he said and Ginny reluctantly unhooked her arm from his. "I'll meet you all there." With that, he veered away from the group leaving Ginny with no other choice than to walk next to her brother.
She had barely taken two steps before she felt the weight of a hand on her shoulder. "Did you still want help with your Charms homework after dinner?"
Willing herself to be brave, she nodded at him. "Yes, thank you, Harry. As long as you're not too busy."
"No, I did most of my homework before Quidditch practice."
"That's insane," Ron muttered.
"Typical, Ron." Hermione sighed, just loud enough for him to hear.
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"Ginny!"
Never so happy to hear someone shouting her name, Ginny quickly turned to see Susan Bones hurrying towards her, clutching her rucksack with a look of determination on her face.
"Susan! I haven't seen you in ages. We're all just off to dinner, would you like to-"
"Actually, Ginny, I've eaten already. I was hoping I could have a word." She sounded somewhat out of breath.
Ginny's brows knit in confusion. "Of course. Harry, could you save me a seat?"
"Of course."
"You know, Ron," Hermione said in an increasingly shrill voice, as she continued down the hall, oblivious to the fact that part of the group had stopped, "you're not stupid. There's no shame in putting just a bit more effort into what you do. Just because Harry doesn't feel like lolling about for hours in the afternoon and staying up until 3 in the morning doing homework doesn't mean you should make him feel bad about it."
"Make him feel bad about it? Are you out of your mind?! I was joking. Merlin, Hermione, what's your problem lately? A bloke can't say two words in front of you without having his ear chewed off."
Leaning low, Harry whispered "Hurry" into her ear before jogging off to join his friends.
She stared after him, mildly dazed by his sudden closeness and the heat of his breath on her neck, but was jolted back to reality when Susan tugged the sleeve of her robes.
"C'mon, let's go in here." She said, beckoning Ginny in to an empty classroom.
Blinking to clear her mind, Ginny obliged. Once the door had been firmly shut and the girls seated, she finally got a good look at her friend and was a bit surprised by the weary, dull look in her eyes.
"Susan, are you all right? It's been nearly two months-"
"Blaise and I are in love and I have a favor to ask you."
Ginny's mouth closed and she simply stared at her friend in silence for several seconds before managing to choke out, "Blaise?"
"Yes."
"Zabini?"
Slightly more exasperated, "Yes."
"But he's a Slytherin and you're-you're a Hufflepuff!"
"Yes, thank you, because I needed reminding as to what house I belong to." Ginny flinched at the sudden venom and Susan sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have barked at you. It's just that, well, it's been frustrating is all. You don't know what these past two months have been like, Gin."
Clamping down on her hurt feelings, Ginny leaned forward. "Then tell me."
"Well, it started back right after Maeven caught on fire and Malfoy tried to burn us to death."
Susan paused, as though trying to collect her thoughts and Ginny waited patiently.
"I caught up with Blaise that evening outside the Great Hall and thanked him for helping us. I didn't really expect much of a response, but he barely even looked at me. He just sort of sniffed and walked away. I was annoyed, but I let it go. I reckoned it was good, you know, to finally know the sort of person he was and if he was going to be arrogant about it, well, I could finally just ignore him. So.so I did, for almost a week. And then, after our next Familiar's class, he slipped me this note. All it said was 'Potions Classroom, 11pm'."
"What?" Ginny couldn't help herself from saying.
Susan nodded. "I didn't know what to make of it. I wanted to ask him, but I reckoned I shouldn't say anything because, well, generally people pass notes when the want things to be kept secret."
"But you went."
"Yes, more out of curiosity than anything else, I went. I half expected it to be some kind of trick and that I'd be walking into detention with Snape, but Snape wasn't there and the classroom was empty."
"He stood you up?"
"No, he came eventually, but he was ten minutes late. He just sort of strode in, closed the door behind him, looked at me and told me to stop being so bloody obvious." Ginny let out a sound part way between a snort of laughter and a gasp and Susan nodded, "I was so mortified." And then she stopped, biting her lip.
"And then?" Ginny prodded gently.
"An-and then.well, we didn't talk for a long time." Even in the dim winter light coming through the windows, Ginny could see Susan was blushing. "Afterwards I-I tried to ask him why he'd wanted to meet me in the Potions classroom or why he'd even chosen me to begin with. All he'd say was that he'd noticed me staring at him for weeks, but didn't mind so much because I was pretty. I reckoned he didn't think I was worth talking to."
"Susan."
The Hufflepuff swiftly shook her head. "It went on like that, for.for a while. Us just meeting up in the Potions classroom when Blaise knew Snape wouldn't be there. It was pleasant, and unexpected. I'm not really used to boys looking my way like that, much less ones like Blaise, so it was nice. And that's all I thought it ever would be."
"But then it became more," Ginny said softly.
Susan nodded. "One day Blaise was over 20 minutes late and just as I was about to leave, he stormed in, slammed the door shut and yanked me over to one of the lab benches and started talking."
For a brief second, Ginny thought she saw a shimmer of tears in Susan's eyes before the Hufflepuff abruptly stood and walked to the window. There was nearly a full minute of silence before she started talking again.
"You don't know what it's like.for them.to be in there. For all of us the war is this thing outside, beyond the walls of Hogwarts and inside-we're safe. But for the Slytherins..it's in their Common Room. Can you imagine what it's like to have people all around you whose parents you KNOW are Death Eaters and there's nothing anyone can do about it? And all they ever do is make your life miserable and threaten you and tell you that if you don't agree with them, they'll hurt you or your family? People like Malfoy make it excruciating to be in that house. Blaise hates him."
Ginny stood up and joined her friend at the window.
"That's why they all are the way they are. So many of them go in there and.change. I think.I think Snape tries to do what he can to-to help them, but even he can't..I mean, not without.Ginny, you're going to think I'm crazy, but I think Snape is on our side."
At this, Ginny very nearly laughed. "I don't think you're crazy, Susan."
"He helped Blaise. I think he's.well, training him somehow. Training him for the war." Susan shivered slightly, from cold or fear, Ginny was uncertain. "Think about what the Sorting Hat said about houses having to stand together. I know a lot of people in Hufflepuff thought it meant we needed to be more vigilant because of the likes of Malfoy and other Slytherins-but just think, Gin. What if it really meant that we had to stand together FOR the Slytherins?"
There was nearly ten seconds of silence before Ginny realize that Susan expected an answer. "Susan, I don't quite think I know what you mean."
"Ginny, have you ever stopped to wonder what you'd be if you weren't a Gryffindor? Or why you were even sorted into the house you're in? I mean, take Hermione. Why Gryffindor and not, for example, Ravenclaw?"
Ginny shook her head, "Well, it isn't as though Hermione is ONLY about studying, you know-"
"And you're saying that all Ravenclaws are?"
"Well, mostly-"
"What about Cho Chang? Come on, Gin, Hermione is loads smarter and more studious than Cho."
Ginny opened her mouth to respond but then closed it again.
"Or your brother Percy. I mean, don't you think he would've made a good Ravenclaw?"
"Well, perhaps, but everyone in my family has been sorted into Gryffindor!"
"But don't you see? If that's true, and we're just being sorted by family lines then it really is arbitrary!"
"There are REASONS why we're sorted, Susan."
"Harry is a Parselmouth, for pity's sakes. So was Salazar bloody Slytherin."
"Harry's a Gryffindor," Ginny said swiftly, "He could NEVER be a Slytherin."
"There's nothing WRONG with being a Slytherin!" Susan shot back, angrily.
"Malfoy is a Slytherin. Voldemort was a Slytherin," Ginny responded, her voice deadly quiet. "You weren't in the Chamber of Secrets, you didn't see that thing Salazar Slytherin kept locked up in his cave-that monster he kept alive that could have killed us all."
"You're right," Susan said, sounding tired. "I don't know about that. I wasn't in the chamber. But don't forget, Ginny, that Snape is a Slytherin and he's not evil. Neither is Blaise. He's going to leave, you know. Do work for the Ministry or something as a spy. It sounds dangerous."
Her anger faded into worry and Ginny shot Susan an apologetic look. "I'm sorry."
Susan merely shrugged. "In the end, Harry is going to stop it, but it's men like Blaise who'll tell them everything they need to win-and no one will ever know."
Stricken, Ginny opened her mouth, but Susan abruptly shook her head.
"I know what you're going to say, Gin. Harry doesn't want it, and.and to be honest, I don't think Blaise would want it either. He doesn't want people to know what he's doing. The only reason I'm telling you all this is because I know Harry sometimes.sometimes he sees things. Helpful things. And if he ever sees anything about Blaise..and tells you.I'm hoping you would.." At this, Susan's voice trailed off and she simply stared weakly at her hands and shrugged. "I-I don't know. To be honest, I don't know what I'm asking for," she whispered miserably.
Ginny could vaguely hear the sound of footsteps approaching them and swiftly took her friend's hands. "If I hear anything, you'll be the first to know," she whispered fervently, and Susan looked up at her, her dark blue eyes swimming in tears. "Oh, Susan, don't cry," she pulled her friend forward in a hug. The footsteps came closer but, much to Ginny's relief, veered off just before reaching their classroom and faded down the corridor.
When she sat back she noted with a bit of surprise that the Hufflepuff had recomposed her features to erase all signs of discomfort. It was, Ginny realized, a rather Slytherin thing to do and she wasn't quite sure how she felt about it. "Susan-"
"I'm fine," Susan responded quietly.
An uncomfortable silence settled between the two girls as Ginny mulled over everything she had just been told. She thought back to the DA Christmas party and the small group of young Slytherins who had attended. At the time, she had just chalked up their behavior to typical Slytherin anti- social snobbery, but viewed in light of everything Susan had just said, she might have been deeply mistaken. They might well have been simply too scared to approach anyone else. Rarely associating outside of their own house, they'd taken a great risk coming to the party at all. She felt terrible to realize that she hadn't even greeted them. Closing her eyes, she rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Have you spoken to Blaise about all this? What does he have to say?"
At this, Susan let out a short, harsh laugh, "No, I haven't spoken to Blaise about this. In fact, I haven't spoken to Blaise in two weeks."
"What?"
Susan shrugged causally, "I don't know. He stopped talking to me. It might have been because of Malfoy, it might be something Snape said to him. Frankly, I don't care why he stopped. I love him, Ginny. He knows that. And in the two months we were together, he loved me." She pinned the Gryffindor with a defiant look, as though daring her to disagree. "And once I leave this place, I'm going to follow him."
Ginny felt her heart plummet to her stomach in fear. "Oh, Susan."
"I am. I've made up my mind."
"Susan, please."
"You don't think I can do it, do you?"
"No, it's not that-Susan, I just don't want to see you hurt-or worse."
"And if it were Harry, Ginny? Would you do anything different?"
At this, Ginny fell silent. If it were Harry leaving to go on some dangerous mission, would she follow him? Could she ever choose not to? She considered her parents, her brothers, the fact that Voldemort had already tried to use her once to get to him. She thought back to that terrifying night at the Ministry.and came to the conclusion that she honestly didn't know what she'd do.
"Look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound bitter. I'm happy for you, Gin. Really, I am. I'm happy for you and Harry because you've found each other."
"But we aren't together, we're just friends."
Susan paused then and sent her a sad smile. "Friends? Merlin, what bliss. You're lucky, you know. So lucky. Do you have any idea what I'd give to be able to just sit with Blaise? In the Great Hall or in the Common Room? Just to sit with him and.and be with him? To not have to hide the fact that we even know eachother?"
And it was almost the worst Ginny had ever felt about anything in her entire life. Shame flooded through her and her cheeks grew warm. She should have come to this conclusion herself. She WAS lucky. And instead of being grateful for every second she spent with Harry, she had been selfish and indulgent, with her head in the clouds and her heart jealously aching for more.
"Oh, Gin, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply-."
"I'm a wretched friend, Susan," Ginny said. For a second, she thought she glimpsed something of the gentleness and vulnerability that she remembered in her friend's eyes.
"No, you're not."
"I am. I'm a terrible, wretched friend. I'm so sorry. I had no idea what you were going through-"
"I wasn't ready to tell anyone then. I am now. And it's good of you to listen." She paused. "I-I need to go now. I told Justin I'd meet with him to go over Muggle Studies homework and I'm already a half hour late."
Ginny sighed. "Susan, promise me you'll come to me before you decide to do anything-or go anywhere."
"You can't talk me out of it, Gin."
"I know that and I wouldn't. I just need to see you before you go."
A pause.
"Alright."
"I've missed you Susan."
"And I, you." For a moment, she looked as though she wanted to cry again, but instead stood up and walked to the door. Ginny followed suit. Stepping out into the hallway, Susan paused and gave her a brief, tight hug. "Be seeing you," she whispered.
"You'd better."
And with that, they went their separate ways.
When Ginny pushed open to doors to the Great Hall, she was almost immediately assaulted by the cacophony of students jostling each other and enjoying their meal. Still rather drained by her whole conversation with Susan, she made her way over to her friends and sank into an empty seat.
The rest of dinner was spent in relative silence as she paid only a small amount of attention to the chattering going on around her. She was in such a distracted state, in fact, that it wasn't until she was halfway back to the Common Room that she realized the rest of the group had gone on ahead and she was walking alone with Harry.
"So, would you like to meet in the library or just stay in the Tower?" he asked.
"Sorry, what?" She looked at him, genuinely confused.
"For Charms."
"Oh! Oh." she frowned. "Listen, Harry, I've been thinking I'm better off working on Potions alone tonight and Charms tomorrow. Do you have time tomorrow?"
"I'm supposed to help Professor Lupin with something after dinner, but if you're up later, then that should work."
"Thank you. I-I just reckon that I should work on Potions now, you see," she didn't know why she was still talking, as she felt more and more ridiculous, but something spurned her forward. "It's one of my harder subjects and I just always tend to put off the hard things for later."
A pause.
"No, I understand," he said quietly. "I tend to do that too."
They had reached the Portrait Hole and she was just about to give the password when he put his hand on her arm, stopping her.
"Ginny, what are you doing later this week?"
She raised an eyebrow at him. "When?"
"I-I don't know," he said, suddenly looking rather disconcerted.
"Nevermind, I'm free," she said quickly. "What did you have in mind?"
"I'm just thinking that there's.well, there's something I might want to show you.later." Taking in the bemused look on her face, he reddened slightly. "It's nothing bad."
"So what you're saying is at some point this week there's something somewhere you might want to show me?"
"Yes."
She nodded her head gravely and tried not to laugh. "Good. Count me in." Giving the Fat Lady the password, she started to make her way through the portrait hole.
"Any idea where you'll be?" she heard Harry ask from behind her. Glancing over her shoulder, she caught the teasing look in his eyes and shrugged.
"No clue, but if you can't find me - just send Hedwig." It took her a moment to realize what she'd just said and she was momentarily horrified at what she'd just made light of. The incredulous look on Harry's face only made things worse. His subsequent laughter, however, felt like a balm on her frayed nerves.
It was the first time in a long time that Ginny remembered what it felt like to be truly at ease around Harry.
It was like a burden momentarily lifted and it gave her hope that maybe, just maybe, they might be friends.
Chapter 13: Lucky
It was two weeks after Christmas when Ginny made a rather dismal discovery. She didn't know how to be Harry's friend.
The notion sounded stupid even to her own ears, but after a return to Hogwarts she could only describe as strange, there was simply no other explanation for the way she was feeling. It was bad enough that she saw him almost every waking moment of the day. Between Quidditch and meals, and the fact that they were in the same House, Harry seemed to be underfoot almost constantly. But to make matters infinitely worse, he seemed to be adapting altogether TOO well to friendship.
There was a duality in their relationship she was finding increasingly difficult to ignore. She would sit sometimes, listening to him talk about something mundane, like O.W.L.S. and it was as though she were standing outside of herself, watching the scene and feeling like an utter fraud. She had kissed him. She remembered that. Sometimes, it was difficult NOT to remember that.
And yet, there he would be, drinking his pumpkin juice, acting for all the world like nothing had changed.
She didn't know how he managed it. The only thing she could think of to explain his incredible ability to slip right into an easy friendship with her was that he simply hadn't felt what she had. But she knew it would be rewriting history to say that.
So what she was left with was a good deal of confusion coupled with a healthy dose of anxiety. All things considered, it was difficult to see how she was any better off now than she had been before the DA party. In fact, she felt worse. At least before, they hadn't ever bothered to term their relationship. Now, she knew exactly what he expected of her. He wanted to be her friend.
She felt herself gradually overcome by the nasty proposition that she was now trapped in a place she did not wish to be and one she did not know how to get out of. In a fit of desperation, she had confessed at least a part of what had happened to Neville. Even leaving out most of the details, it felt a bit odd to be discussing this sort of problem with a boy - but Ginny told herself she needed a fresh perspective. If she was to be entirely honest, however, she also needed to talk to someone closer. It wasn't quite that she distrusted Hermione, but with Neville, Ginny knew that if there was ever a question, his loyalties lay firmly with her.
Unfortunately, even talking to Neville did little good. He seemed to think she wasn't patient enough. To her, however, it was impossible to be patient because the whole situation felt cheap and artificial. Forced.
But the worst part was, she felt guilty. If she couldn't genuinely find it in herself to be friends with Harry, she wasn't sure what she would do.
And now, sitting in the library across from him, she tried to keep her increasingly jumbled thoughts at bay and attempted, yet again, to concentrate on her homework.
Unfortunately, it was nearly impossible what with.well, what with the staring.
The moment Harry had asked if he could come study with her, Neville and Luna, Ginny had wanted to tell him no. It wasn't that her friends embarrassed her, but she knew Luna acted a bit eccentric sometimes and Harry never took well to that. It was the sort of thing that was bound to make them all feel uncomfortable.
And now, inexplicably, Luna had spent the last fifteen minutes staring at them. Normally, Ginny would have asked her what was going on, but with Harry there, she wasn't sure she wanted an answer. Neville was no help. Every time Ginny glanced in his direction, he simply leaned over his paper and scribbled harder.
She reckoned the staring wouldn't have been so bad had Luna not been sporting the oddest look on her face. It was a cross between satisfaction and supreme benevolence. That, and the fact that she sighed every time she switched from staring at Harry to Ginny and back again.
Harry coughed then and Ginny looked up, bracing herself to defend Luna's admittedly dotty behavior but he simply continued writing. She didn't know why on earth he'd want to come study without Ron and Hermione anyway.
After a particularly loud sigh, Ginny closed her eyes and put down her quill. "Problem, Luna?" she asked, trying to keep her voice calm.
"No," Luna responded with a dreamy smile. "Actually, this is perfect. Thank you, Ginny. Thank you."
"Uhm.well, you're welcome," Ginny responded, now more confused than before.
"Although, now that you mention it, Harry." Luna drawled.
Harry glanced up and did what Ginny believed was the best impression yet of someone truly engrossed in his work. "Hm?"
"Could you be a dear and move your book?"
"Oh sorry, I didn't realize that-" He stopped mid-sentence, clearly noting that none of his books were anywhere near any of Luna's things, nor were they obstructing any discernable view. He cleared his throat. "Uhm, which one, Luna?"
"The green one."
"Ah. Okay." He paused. "Where would you like me to move it?"
"Oh, roughly two inches to the left, if you could. My left, that is."
Ginny gnawed on her bottom lip as Harry complied.
"Oh, marvelous. Thank you, Harry!"
"No problem," Harry shot Ginny a good-natured smile and started to go back to his work.
"Now, Ginny-" Luna began, eyeing Ginny's rucksack critically.
"Luna, are you hungry?" Ginny asked.
"Come to think of it.yes."
"Neville?"
"Famished," he responded, without looking up.
"Dinner?"
"Sounds good," Harry said, slamming his book shut. "I'm going to drop my books off at the Tower first."
"Me too," Neville said.
"Brilliant, I'll come with you," Ginny said.
"I only have half a foot left for this essay," Luna sucked thoughtfully on her quill.
"I can fetch you on our way back," Neville responded.
And with that, the trio departed at a quick clip towards Gryffindor Tower. The journey was silent, and mercifully so for Ginny, who was caught between being aggravated with Luna for acting so strangely and aggravated with herself for being so judgmental. Luna was her friend and Ginny knew she shouldn't mind what others thought, but Harry wasn't just anyone and that she cared so much about his opinion irked her.
Ever since she'd returned from Christmas holiday she'd felt herself increasingly on edge. Climbing through the portrait hole, she spotted her brother and Hermione reading by the fire.
"Off to dinner?" she heard Ron ask as she made her way upstairs.
"Yes," Harry responded, "I just want to drop this off in our room first."
"Brilliant, we'll join you."
Hurrying up the rest of the stairs, Ginny walked down the hall to the fifth year dormitory. Throwing her rucksack at the foot of her bed, she took a few minutes to put her books in her trunk before making her way back downstairs.
She found Harry perched on the arm of the sofa, waiting for the rest of their group to come back. She smiled at him slightly before coming to lean against the back of the sofa. Not particularly in the mood for conversation, she stared at the fire.
There was a moment of awkward silence before he let out a small laugh, causing her to glance his way.
"So, you know, studying with Luna and Neville-"
"Was bloody awkward, I know. I'm sorry." She blushed. "Last time we'll ever do that again, eh?"
His smile faltered somewhat. "Actually, I was going to say that I got quite a bit more work done than I usually do."
"Oh." She didn't quite know what else to say.
"Ron and Hermione can get a little distracting sometimes."
"Oh," she repeated uselessly.
There was another moment of silence before he spoke again.
"You.you thought it was awkward?"
"Oh, no! No. Not at all." she tried to give him a breezy smile but her lips felt stiff and she wasn't quite sure she'd managed it.
He stared at her, as though expecting some form of elaboration, but the words froze and her mind was terrifyingly blank. The echo of footsteps sounded on the stairs and it was with no small amount of relief that she spotted Ron and Neville coming down towards them. "Ready, then?" she called to the boys and tried valiantly to ignore the feeling of Harry's eyes still on her.
"Just waiting for Hermione," Ron said.
"Here. Sorry, there was a slight crisis upstairs." Hermione appeared, looking rather rumpled as she joined the group.
"Not a problem, let's be off then." Ginny grabbed hold of Neville's arm and led the way out the portrait hole, distancing herself as far from Harry as possible.
"You all right?" Neville whispered to her once they were several feet in front of their friends.
"Just a complete coward, that's all," she said with a sigh, glancing over her shoulder to make sure the others were out of earshot.
"She had a dream, you know," he murmured as they made their way down the hall.
"What?"
"Luna. She was just telling me she had a dream of you and Harry studying in the library when the two of you walked in."
"Ah." Ginny wrinkled her nose. "How odd."
"I know. That's why she was so.happy."
"I see. Neville, why is Luna having dreams about Harry and me studying in the library?"
"I don't know."
"Is this the first time?"
"I don't know."
"You're not being helpful."
"I could ask her."
"Please do."
"Gin?"
"Yes?"
"You aren't a coward."
"Thank you, Neville."
He nudged her playfully. "I'm serious."
With a soft moan, she rested her head on his arm. "I don't know how to act around him anymore, Neville, and it's driving me mad."
"He told you he wanted to be your friend."
"Yes."
"That should make things easier."
"Well, it doesn't."
"I reckon you'll work it out."
"He's so at ease and I swear everything I say makes me sound like an utter fool."
"You're no fool, Gin. You're no coward, either." He slowed down then, allowing the others to catch up. "Luna asked me to fetch her from the library when we went," he said and Ginny reluctantly unhooked her arm from his. "I'll meet you all there." With that, he veered away from the group leaving Ginny with no other choice than to walk next to her brother.
She had barely taken two steps before she felt the weight of a hand on her shoulder. "Did you still want help with your Charms homework after dinner?"
Willing herself to be brave, she nodded at him. "Yes, thank you, Harry. As long as you're not too busy."
"No, I did most of my homework before Quidditch practice."
"That's insane," Ron muttered.
"Typical, Ron." Hermione sighed, just loud enough for him to hear.
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"Ginny!"
Never so happy to hear someone shouting her name, Ginny quickly turned to see Susan Bones hurrying towards her, clutching her rucksack with a look of determination on her face.
"Susan! I haven't seen you in ages. We're all just off to dinner, would you like to-"
"Actually, Ginny, I've eaten already. I was hoping I could have a word." She sounded somewhat out of breath.
Ginny's brows knit in confusion. "Of course. Harry, could you save me a seat?"
"Of course."
"You know, Ron," Hermione said in an increasingly shrill voice, as she continued down the hall, oblivious to the fact that part of the group had stopped, "you're not stupid. There's no shame in putting just a bit more effort into what you do. Just because Harry doesn't feel like lolling about for hours in the afternoon and staying up until 3 in the morning doing homework doesn't mean you should make him feel bad about it."
"Make him feel bad about it? Are you out of your mind?! I was joking. Merlin, Hermione, what's your problem lately? A bloke can't say two words in front of you without having his ear chewed off."
Leaning low, Harry whispered "Hurry" into her ear before jogging off to join his friends.
She stared after him, mildly dazed by his sudden closeness and the heat of his breath on her neck, but was jolted back to reality when Susan tugged the sleeve of her robes.
"C'mon, let's go in here." She said, beckoning Ginny in to an empty classroom.
Blinking to clear her mind, Ginny obliged. Once the door had been firmly shut and the girls seated, she finally got a good look at her friend and was a bit surprised by the weary, dull look in her eyes.
"Susan, are you all right? It's been nearly two months-"
"Blaise and I are in love and I have a favor to ask you."
Ginny's mouth closed and she simply stared at her friend in silence for several seconds before managing to choke out, "Blaise?"
"Yes."
"Zabini?"
Slightly more exasperated, "Yes."
"But he's a Slytherin and you're-you're a Hufflepuff!"
"Yes, thank you, because I needed reminding as to what house I belong to." Ginny flinched at the sudden venom and Susan sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have barked at you. It's just that, well, it's been frustrating is all. You don't know what these past two months have been like, Gin."
Clamping down on her hurt feelings, Ginny leaned forward. "Then tell me."
"Well, it started back right after Maeven caught on fire and Malfoy tried to burn us to death."
Susan paused, as though trying to collect her thoughts and Ginny waited patiently.
"I caught up with Blaise that evening outside the Great Hall and thanked him for helping us. I didn't really expect much of a response, but he barely even looked at me. He just sort of sniffed and walked away. I was annoyed, but I let it go. I reckoned it was good, you know, to finally know the sort of person he was and if he was going to be arrogant about it, well, I could finally just ignore him. So.so I did, for almost a week. And then, after our next Familiar's class, he slipped me this note. All it said was 'Potions Classroom, 11pm'."
"What?" Ginny couldn't help herself from saying.
Susan nodded. "I didn't know what to make of it. I wanted to ask him, but I reckoned I shouldn't say anything because, well, generally people pass notes when the want things to be kept secret."
"But you went."
"Yes, more out of curiosity than anything else, I went. I half expected it to be some kind of trick and that I'd be walking into detention with Snape, but Snape wasn't there and the classroom was empty."
"He stood you up?"
"No, he came eventually, but he was ten minutes late. He just sort of strode in, closed the door behind him, looked at me and told me to stop being so bloody obvious." Ginny let out a sound part way between a snort of laughter and a gasp and Susan nodded, "I was so mortified." And then she stopped, biting her lip.
"And then?" Ginny prodded gently.
"An-and then.well, we didn't talk for a long time." Even in the dim winter light coming through the windows, Ginny could see Susan was blushing. "Afterwards I-I tried to ask him why he'd wanted to meet me in the Potions classroom or why he'd even chosen me to begin with. All he'd say was that he'd noticed me staring at him for weeks, but didn't mind so much because I was pretty. I reckoned he didn't think I was worth talking to."
"Susan."
The Hufflepuff swiftly shook her head. "It went on like that, for.for a while. Us just meeting up in the Potions classroom when Blaise knew Snape wouldn't be there. It was pleasant, and unexpected. I'm not really used to boys looking my way like that, much less ones like Blaise, so it was nice. And that's all I thought it ever would be."
"But then it became more," Ginny said softly.
Susan nodded. "One day Blaise was over 20 minutes late and just as I was about to leave, he stormed in, slammed the door shut and yanked me over to one of the lab benches and started talking."
For a brief second, Ginny thought she saw a shimmer of tears in Susan's eyes before the Hufflepuff abruptly stood and walked to the window. There was nearly a full minute of silence before she started talking again.
"You don't know what it's like.for them.to be in there. For all of us the war is this thing outside, beyond the walls of Hogwarts and inside-we're safe. But for the Slytherins..it's in their Common Room. Can you imagine what it's like to have people all around you whose parents you KNOW are Death Eaters and there's nothing anyone can do about it? And all they ever do is make your life miserable and threaten you and tell you that if you don't agree with them, they'll hurt you or your family? People like Malfoy make it excruciating to be in that house. Blaise hates him."
Ginny stood up and joined her friend at the window.
"That's why they all are the way they are. So many of them go in there and.change. I think.I think Snape tries to do what he can to-to help them, but even he can't..I mean, not without.Ginny, you're going to think I'm crazy, but I think Snape is on our side."
At this, Ginny very nearly laughed. "I don't think you're crazy, Susan."
"He helped Blaise. I think he's.well, training him somehow. Training him for the war." Susan shivered slightly, from cold or fear, Ginny was uncertain. "Think about what the Sorting Hat said about houses having to stand together. I know a lot of people in Hufflepuff thought it meant we needed to be more vigilant because of the likes of Malfoy and other Slytherins-but just think, Gin. What if it really meant that we had to stand together FOR the Slytherins?"
There was nearly ten seconds of silence before Ginny realize that Susan expected an answer. "Susan, I don't quite think I know what you mean."
"Ginny, have you ever stopped to wonder what you'd be if you weren't a Gryffindor? Or why you were even sorted into the house you're in? I mean, take Hermione. Why Gryffindor and not, for example, Ravenclaw?"
Ginny shook her head, "Well, it isn't as though Hermione is ONLY about studying, you know-"
"And you're saying that all Ravenclaws are?"
"Well, mostly-"
"What about Cho Chang? Come on, Gin, Hermione is loads smarter and more studious than Cho."
Ginny opened her mouth to respond but then closed it again.
"Or your brother Percy. I mean, don't you think he would've made a good Ravenclaw?"
"Well, perhaps, but everyone in my family has been sorted into Gryffindor!"
"But don't you see? If that's true, and we're just being sorted by family lines then it really is arbitrary!"
"There are REASONS why we're sorted, Susan."
"Harry is a Parselmouth, for pity's sakes. So was Salazar bloody Slytherin."
"Harry's a Gryffindor," Ginny said swiftly, "He could NEVER be a Slytherin."
"There's nothing WRONG with being a Slytherin!" Susan shot back, angrily.
"Malfoy is a Slytherin. Voldemort was a Slytherin," Ginny responded, her voice deadly quiet. "You weren't in the Chamber of Secrets, you didn't see that thing Salazar Slytherin kept locked up in his cave-that monster he kept alive that could have killed us all."
"You're right," Susan said, sounding tired. "I don't know about that. I wasn't in the chamber. But don't forget, Ginny, that Snape is a Slytherin and he's not evil. Neither is Blaise. He's going to leave, you know. Do work for the Ministry or something as a spy. It sounds dangerous."
Her anger faded into worry and Ginny shot Susan an apologetic look. "I'm sorry."
Susan merely shrugged. "In the end, Harry is going to stop it, but it's men like Blaise who'll tell them everything they need to win-and no one will ever know."
Stricken, Ginny opened her mouth, but Susan abruptly shook her head.
"I know what you're going to say, Gin. Harry doesn't want it, and.and to be honest, I don't think Blaise would want it either. He doesn't want people to know what he's doing. The only reason I'm telling you all this is because I know Harry sometimes.sometimes he sees things. Helpful things. And if he ever sees anything about Blaise..and tells you.I'm hoping you would.." At this, Susan's voice trailed off and she simply stared weakly at her hands and shrugged. "I-I don't know. To be honest, I don't know what I'm asking for," she whispered miserably.
Ginny could vaguely hear the sound of footsteps approaching them and swiftly took her friend's hands. "If I hear anything, you'll be the first to know," she whispered fervently, and Susan looked up at her, her dark blue eyes swimming in tears. "Oh, Susan, don't cry," she pulled her friend forward in a hug. The footsteps came closer but, much to Ginny's relief, veered off just before reaching their classroom and faded down the corridor.
When she sat back she noted with a bit of surprise that the Hufflepuff had recomposed her features to erase all signs of discomfort. It was, Ginny realized, a rather Slytherin thing to do and she wasn't quite sure how she felt about it. "Susan-"
"I'm fine," Susan responded quietly.
An uncomfortable silence settled between the two girls as Ginny mulled over everything she had just been told. She thought back to the DA Christmas party and the small group of young Slytherins who had attended. At the time, she had just chalked up their behavior to typical Slytherin anti- social snobbery, but viewed in light of everything Susan had just said, she might have been deeply mistaken. They might well have been simply too scared to approach anyone else. Rarely associating outside of their own house, they'd taken a great risk coming to the party at all. She felt terrible to realize that she hadn't even greeted them. Closing her eyes, she rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Have you spoken to Blaise about all this? What does he have to say?"
At this, Susan let out a short, harsh laugh, "No, I haven't spoken to Blaise about this. In fact, I haven't spoken to Blaise in two weeks."
"What?"
Susan shrugged causally, "I don't know. He stopped talking to me. It might have been because of Malfoy, it might be something Snape said to him. Frankly, I don't care why he stopped. I love him, Ginny. He knows that. And in the two months we were together, he loved me." She pinned the Gryffindor with a defiant look, as though daring her to disagree. "And once I leave this place, I'm going to follow him."
Ginny felt her heart plummet to her stomach in fear. "Oh, Susan."
"I am. I've made up my mind."
"Susan, please."
"You don't think I can do it, do you?"
"No, it's not that-Susan, I just don't want to see you hurt-or worse."
"And if it were Harry, Ginny? Would you do anything different?"
At this, Ginny fell silent. If it were Harry leaving to go on some dangerous mission, would she follow him? Could she ever choose not to? She considered her parents, her brothers, the fact that Voldemort had already tried to use her once to get to him. She thought back to that terrifying night at the Ministry.and came to the conclusion that she honestly didn't know what she'd do.
"Look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound bitter. I'm happy for you, Gin. Really, I am. I'm happy for you and Harry because you've found each other."
"But we aren't together, we're just friends."
Susan paused then and sent her a sad smile. "Friends? Merlin, what bliss. You're lucky, you know. So lucky. Do you have any idea what I'd give to be able to just sit with Blaise? In the Great Hall or in the Common Room? Just to sit with him and.and be with him? To not have to hide the fact that we even know eachother?"
And it was almost the worst Ginny had ever felt about anything in her entire life. Shame flooded through her and her cheeks grew warm. She should have come to this conclusion herself. She WAS lucky. And instead of being grateful for every second she spent with Harry, she had been selfish and indulgent, with her head in the clouds and her heart jealously aching for more.
"Oh, Gin, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply-."
"I'm a wretched friend, Susan," Ginny said. For a second, she thought she glimpsed something of the gentleness and vulnerability that she remembered in her friend's eyes.
"No, you're not."
"I am. I'm a terrible, wretched friend. I'm so sorry. I had no idea what you were going through-"
"I wasn't ready to tell anyone then. I am now. And it's good of you to listen." She paused. "I-I need to go now. I told Justin I'd meet with him to go over Muggle Studies homework and I'm already a half hour late."
Ginny sighed. "Susan, promise me you'll come to me before you decide to do anything-or go anywhere."
"You can't talk me out of it, Gin."
"I know that and I wouldn't. I just need to see you before you go."
A pause.
"Alright."
"I've missed you Susan."
"And I, you." For a moment, she looked as though she wanted to cry again, but instead stood up and walked to the door. Ginny followed suit. Stepping out into the hallway, Susan paused and gave her a brief, tight hug. "Be seeing you," she whispered.
"You'd better."
And with that, they went their separate ways.
When Ginny pushed open to doors to the Great Hall, she was almost immediately assaulted by the cacophony of students jostling each other and enjoying their meal. Still rather drained by her whole conversation with Susan, she made her way over to her friends and sank into an empty seat.
The rest of dinner was spent in relative silence as she paid only a small amount of attention to the chattering going on around her. She was in such a distracted state, in fact, that it wasn't until she was halfway back to the Common Room that she realized the rest of the group had gone on ahead and she was walking alone with Harry.
"So, would you like to meet in the library or just stay in the Tower?" he asked.
"Sorry, what?" She looked at him, genuinely confused.
"For Charms."
"Oh! Oh." she frowned. "Listen, Harry, I've been thinking I'm better off working on Potions alone tonight and Charms tomorrow. Do you have time tomorrow?"
"I'm supposed to help Professor Lupin with something after dinner, but if you're up later, then that should work."
"Thank you. I-I just reckon that I should work on Potions now, you see," she didn't know why she was still talking, as she felt more and more ridiculous, but something spurned her forward. "It's one of my harder subjects and I just always tend to put off the hard things for later."
A pause.
"No, I understand," he said quietly. "I tend to do that too."
They had reached the Portrait Hole and she was just about to give the password when he put his hand on her arm, stopping her.
"Ginny, what are you doing later this week?"
She raised an eyebrow at him. "When?"
"I-I don't know," he said, suddenly looking rather disconcerted.
"Nevermind, I'm free," she said quickly. "What did you have in mind?"
"I'm just thinking that there's.well, there's something I might want to show you.later." Taking in the bemused look on her face, he reddened slightly. "It's nothing bad."
"So what you're saying is at some point this week there's something somewhere you might want to show me?"
"Yes."
She nodded her head gravely and tried not to laugh. "Good. Count me in." Giving the Fat Lady the password, she started to make her way through the portrait hole.
"Any idea where you'll be?" she heard Harry ask from behind her. Glancing over her shoulder, she caught the teasing look in his eyes and shrugged.
"No clue, but if you can't find me - just send Hedwig." It took her a moment to realize what she'd just said and she was momentarily horrified at what she'd just made light of. The incredulous look on Harry's face only made things worse. His subsequent laughter, however, felt like a balm on her frayed nerves.
It was the first time in a long time that Ginny remembered what it felt like to be truly at ease around Harry.
It was like a burden momentarily lifted and it gave her hope that maybe, just maybe, they might be friends.