Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Title: I think I better leave right now - chapter 14
Author: Purrfectly679 - e-mail purrfectly679hotmail.com
for comments and suggestions. Feedback highly appreciated.
Rating: PG-13, angst, bad language. SakuSasu, SasuNaru, HinaNaru
Notes: No spoilers. This is a revised repost. Thank you so much to
everyone for the reviews...!
Previously: Sasuke has just declared his love for Naruto.
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"I love you…"
Naruto blinked. Sasuke… Did Sasuke just say that he loved him?! He shook his head confusedly. No… It couldn't be… Why would the Uchiha say such a thing? Maybe Sasuke was in love, but it couldn't be with him…
That would be ludicrous!
Blue eyes stared curiously into black ones, searching for answers to unasked questions. But Sasuke merely stared back, his expression blank. Naruto frowned – maybe that was just a figment of his imagination…
Hell maybe this was all a figment of his stupid imagination!!
The blonde pinched himself, and winced as a spark of pain accompanied his action. That meant… That meant that he was awake… That he wasn't dreaming…
Naruto blinked again, then opened his mouth as if to say something. Then he closed it. Then opened it again. But no words, no sounds came out. But what should he say? What could he say?
Silence descended upon the two once again – one boy lost in his own bewilderment, and the other too stubborn to relieve the other of his confusion.
After all, Sasuke was a man of few words… Why should he repeat himself and ruin such a renowned reputation?
Unless there was someone else called Narut-
Suddenly, a new expression – one of comprehension seemed to flit over the blonde's face. And it only took him 8 whole minutes of thinking in silence – certainly a new personal achievement.
Naruto's initial puzzlement slowly evolved, as a certain understanding seemed to dawn upon his face. Then his eyes turned hard, his lips fixed firmly into a scowl.
"You think this is funny?" he spat, his eyes blazing. The words cut through the tense atmosphere like a kunai.
It was now Sasuke's turn to be confused.
"This is a sick joke, Uchiha, even by your standards!" the blonde growled, clearly pissed off at the raven-haired boy's earlier confession.
"You think this is a joke?" Sasuke burst out incredulously, his surprise so great that he actually forgot to arrange his usual mask of indifference upon his features.
"Well it's the only theory that makes sense!" Naruto yelled in frustration, ignoring the painful emotions that were beginning to develop inside of him. "How else am I meant to take it, huh? First you say you left cos you couldn't stand me! And now you say you love me? I don't know when you decided to get a sense of humour, but this isn't funny you bastard! This is fucking sick!"
"I'm not joking." Sasuke glared at Naruto, but his voice remained surprisingly cool and steady.
"You have to be joking! You have to be-"
"Look I didn't want this either!" Sasuke yelled, interrupting the slightly hysterical blonde. His expression softened then became slightly pained. "I never planned this… I never planned any of this…" his voice trailed off uncertainly.
Naruto reverted back to doing what he was best at – he blinked. Did that… Did that mean that Sasuke was telling the truth?
That Sasuke… Sasuke loved him?
But that couldn't be true, right? The Uchiha had to be wrong! He was probably just jumping into things, acting upon compulsion! Yeh, that was it! He probably hadn't thought it through yet…
'You know as well as I know that Sasuke never does anything on impulse…' his conscience smirked.
Then… Maybe Sasuke had gone crazy! Maybe he was insane! Or maybe he hit his head or something! Yeh that sounded right, or at least politically correct! Why else would the Uchiha boy say something so impossible and utterly ridiculous?!
"Sasuke, I think you hit your head…" Naruto murmured quietly, speaking his mind once again before he could stop himself. Oh well, at least that was more considerate than declaring him mentally unstable.
"Don't mock me." The blonde idly wondered how the hell the Uchiha could mistaken whatever they had between them as love… If Sasuke loved him, then why was he trying to freeze him on the spot with his icy death glare?!
The blonde didn't know much about affection, but surely that directed look couldn't be termed as healthy love…
"You need to think about this more, I mean, you're not making sense-"
"I've thought about it for a whole year Naruto."
The blonde paused, his mouth hanging wide open. And for the umpteenth time that night, he was speechless. And we all know that a speechless Naruto was not a familiar thing. Nor a frequent one.
He frowned, his eyebrows knotting in the rare act of contemplation. How was he going to get out of this one now? God, something bad must've happened to make Sasuke think in such a stupid and moronic way… Something terrible, and utterly horrid must've overwhelmed him to cause his state of mind to disintegrate so significantly, and so rapidly…
Maybe that had something to do with the food during the engagement party? Wasn't that the day before Sasuke had left?
Damn Gai and his green homemade casseroles!
"Look, Naruto…" Sasuke's voice shattered the blonde's train of thought. Blue eyes widened in shock – the Uchiha's voice had sounded so sad, so soft… So hopeless…
"I used to hate you, you know…" the raven-haired boy broke off, as if deciding upon the correct words to use. "I always hated you – hated your smile, your happiness…Even when everyone else was cruel to you, you still had that stupid smile on your face…"
Naruto found himself listening in rapt attention. If this was to support his earlier love confession, then it wasn't going very well… Che, even the naive blonde of Konoha knew that you weren't meant to hate the ones you loved!
"I don't know why but you could always get a reaction out of me…" Sasuke paused, his eyes glinting strangely in the dim light. "I was the last of the Uchiha clan – a genius bloodline… I was meant to be quiet, introverted… To fit the part of the perfect shinobi… I wasn't meant to let my emotions control me… And yet I found myself retaliating, insulting you back… Arguing with you… And all the time I was thinking about how stupid you were, and how pathetic you were…"
A sad smile graced the raven-haired boy's lips.
"I found myself provoking you, just to get a reaction out of you… It was so easy… I felt…" his voice trailed off softly. "I felt… alive when you responded, when you fought back… Seeing all that passion, all that energy directed at me… All those emotions… As if my life was worth living… That someone acknowledged me as a person… As a living, breathing human being and not just some tool used in battle…"
Naruto frowned in confusion. What was the Uchiha on about? Everyone loved him! Everyone acknowledged him! So what the hell was so special about their dysfunctional friendship?
"You were the only one who treated me normally… Everyone else just placed me on a pedestal… As if I were some untouchable being…"
Naruto grimaced. He hadn't thought about it this way before… Sasuke had always acted standoffish… Always been smug, with that arrogant smirk upon his face… So everyone had just assumed that he liked being treated as superior…
Then again, one should never jump to assumptions…
"I found myself thinking of you… About how annoying you were, about your stupid smile, your stupid dream to become Hokage…"
Naruto frowned. He didn't know whether to feel offended or not at the insult thrown at his dream. He didn't know much, but he did know that Sasuke was doing a really bad job of explaining himself…
"I couldn't stop thinking of you…" Sasuke trailed off. "You were constantly on my mind… In my dreams… That's when I realised that it wasn't normal – it wasn't healthy to think about someone that much… Especially… Especially since you were supposed to be my rival…"
Naruto stared dumbfounded. Sasuke dreamed about him?!
"After my 16th birthday, I realised that it was also the 10th year anniversary of my parent's death… That's when I knew I had to go… I had to fulfil my duty as an avenger…"
"…And I also had to get away from you…"
Sasuke gazed at the floor in fascination as Naruto became overwhelmed with confusion.
"I had to get away from you…" the Uchiha whispered. "I couldn't risk getting closer to you… I was a shinobi – we were supposed to act without emotions – you know, that don't you?" he sounded desperate for confirmation, any confirmation. "Having feelings… Having feelings for anyone would just make me weak… I couldn't afford to be weak, couldn't risk it… Not when I had to face my brother…"
A minute of silence consumed the pair.
"I decided… promised myself to leave the week after… I didn't tell anyone…" he smiled sadly. "It was my duty, my responsibility… I didn't want anyone's help… I didn't need anyone's pity…" he looked up.
"I didn't want you to worry about me…" he paused. "I… I really admire that aspect about you Naruto… How you could care about everyone, worry about everyone, even the people who treated you cruelly, treated you with contempt…"
"…How you could even worry about me…"
Naruto's head spun around wildly. Sasuke had just complimented him in complete sentences!
"Then remember that time you used the sexy-no-jutsu on me?" Sasuke chuckled lightly, although his eyes were still lifeless and empty… Still cold and bare. "I was really panicking inside… I didn't know what the hell you were doing… But then I remembered thinking about how it would've been more effective if you weren't in your stupid female form… How… How I preferred the normal you, the original you…"
He picked up a piece of grass from the ground, then began to play with it in between his thumb and forefinger.
"I think that's when I realised that I was somewhat physically attracted to you…"
Naruto blinked. Sasuke actually preferred him to the infamous sexy-no-jutsu? The famous jutsu that defeated countless ninjas, including the third Hokage himself?!
"Then you found me by the lake… And I don't know what happened… Why I was acting that way… I don't know why I kissed you, and why we… we…" the raven-haired boy trailed off unsteadily. "I think… I think it was because I knew I was going away… And there was a high possibility that I wasn't coming back…" Sasuke paused, his voice trailing off into a whisper.
"I guess I was prepared to die anyway, so why not act upon impulse for once in my life?"
Naruto blinked. So it was all upon impulse… But it still baffled him to no end why it had to be him that was on the receiving end of the sporadic burst of compulsion. Why not Sakura? Or Ino? Or any other goddamn female in the village?
"Being with you, Naruto… had to be one of the best moments of my life…" Sasuke continued, his voice breaking from absolute honesty. "I'm… I'm sorry if I hurt you…"
"But when I woke up, and watched you sleep so peacefully… That's when I realised that I couldn't stay… I… You were so beautiful, Naruto…" the raven-haired boy's voice cracked, as an image of that perfect moment formed in his mind. He closed his eyes in defeat. "I knew… I knew I couldn't stay a moment longer… I couldn't… I couldn't lose the will to leave…"
Naruto ignored the dull pain that was once again starting up within his chest.
"The first year was fine – I hardly ever thought about you… I was training too much to have time to think… I knew I had done the right thing leaving… It was impossible for us anyway, even if I was attracted to you…"
Sasuke paused, and ran his trembling hand through his hair.
"But when I was recovering from my first set of injuries, thoughts of you came back hurtling back at me. I had nothing to take you off my mind – I couldn't train, couldn't even sleep… I couldn't stop thinking about you… About your hair, your smell, the way your eyes used to light up when something amused you… About… About how much I missed you…" Sasuke's voice trailed off into a whisper.
"I tried to convince myself that it was nothing but a crush, that all these feelings, all these thoughts meant nothing… I kept running and running, trying to hide from the truth… But then… I just couldn't deny it anymore… I knew all too well that it was more than a crush…"
"Much more than a simple crush…"
"So I kept reminding myself that if somehow by some bizarre chance… If by some miracle that I might actually survive the next encounter with Itachi, that I still had the duty of resurrecting the clan to fulfil…" the Uchiha paused. "It made everything seem easier… It hurt less… Hurt less that there was a reason, a real reason why I couldn't be with you…"
Sasuke looked up into the sky, his hair draping mysteriously over his dark eyes.
"It was easier to let you go after that… I… There was just no way that we could ever be together… And I knew it… It… It just made everything seem more right... It was better to let you go then let things develop further, ne? Better to forget about you sooner, before it hurt too much to…" he murmured softly.
The choking feeling grew stronger within the blonde's chest.
"To be honest, I didn't expect to see you ever again… Even if I survived the encounter, I planned to move away and start a family somewhere remote… Somewhere away from you…"
Naruto swallowed thickly. This was all too much. Never in his wildest dreams had he ever expected influencing the raven-haired boy in this way before. But why didn't he see it? Why did he never notice it? Was he really so truly and completely blinded by his own anger and resentment?
Or did Sasuke just hide things really well?
And what the hell was this new feeling? This new feeling building up in his chest? Why did it feel as if he were suffocating? As if some unknown weight was pressing down upon him, smothering him, overwhelming him…
"Then Sakura appeared…" Sasuke continued softly, unsettling the silence that had managed to build up again. "Someone from Konoha, from where I grew up… Someone finally cared enough to find me, to worry about me…" he trailed off, his voice wavering slightly.
"And you know what?" his eyes were sharp, glistening, almost crazed. "Instead of feeling happy, feeling grateful towards her… All I felt was bitterness. She had given up her life for me, gave up everything she had, and all I felt was resentment… I knew I was selfish… I… I was being a selfish prick…"
"And yet all I could think about was one thing - the same question plaguing my mind, over and over again…" Sasuke's voice cracked under the straining pressure. "I kept wondering where you were, Naruto… How you were doing… And why didn't you come after me… Why was it Sakura and not you? Wasn't I… Wasn't I important enough to you…?"
Black eyes gazed helplessly into the distance. The Uchiha seemed wary, almost reluctant to relive his memories…
Naruto bit down upon his lower lip. 'I don't know why I didn't go… Maybe cos I was scared…' he admitted to himself. 'Maybe I was just too scared and… and just too angry…'
"I continued to train while Sakura looked after me…" Sasuke's voice resumed the cold and distant tone, interrupting Naruto's thoughts. "I knew she… she loved me, and I didn't want to lead her on… I told her to leave, to forget about me… But she was so stubborn… She just couldn't see that there was no future for us… No future for me…"
"A-After the second fight with my brother, she was the only one there for me… She looked after me until I was well again… But as usual, I ignored her, unappreciated her support… I didn't even thank her…" the Uchiha sighed softly. "She was so tolerant, so forgiving… And all I did was take advantage of her… Of her kindness…"
"I knew she still loved me, even though I had been treating her terribly… She had matured, grown up – I didn't find her annoying anymore and I even enjoyed her company – but I knew that I didn't love her… But I could always try, right? That's when I promised myself, that if I survived the next ordeal, I would try to love her… I promised to treat her good…"
"… And maybe even start a family… To resurrect the Uchiha clan with her by my side… And maybe… Maybe she'd even help me forget you…"
Naruto wondered why he felt as if his heart was breaking.
"But then I left her again to face Itachi for the third and last time. And you know what, Naruto?" Sasuke glanced up, capturing blue eyes in his intense black ones, as his voice trembled uncharacteristically. "When I was dying, all I could think about was you… I hadn't thought about you for years, then all of a sudden, when I was on the brink of death, all I could think about was you…"
Naruto held his breath, the passionate gaze rendering him immobile.
"I kept thinking how nice it would be to see you one last time… That I would die more than happy, just to know that you were ok… That you were happy…" the Uchiha choked slightly, before breaking their connected gaze and stared immediately at his knees.
"Then he started threatening to hurt you… And I don't know why, but it really hurt… Each threat he made tore at me – I felt as if my insides were burning… It made me so angry, and it hurt so much… Oh god, it hurt so much Naruto…" Sasuke whispered hoarsely. "I don't know why, but it hurt so much more than any of his physical attacks…"
Naruto wondered whether the suffering was anything like the pain that he was feeling right then.
"Then the next thing I know he was dead… That's when I knew… That's when I knew that you will always be in my mind, that I couldn't get you out of my mind even if I tried…"
Sasuke took a deep breath, successfully calming his trembling body.
"Remember Haku?" he asked softly, locking his gaze with Naruto's. "Haku, the boy as pure as snow… Remember what he said?"
Naruto nodded slowly in confirmation, as if reliving the encounter with Haku the ninja in a far away dream. "He said that true power came from protecting the people that were truly special to us… From protecting the people we… we loved…" the blonde's voice was dry and hoarse from the lack of use. He smiled weakly. "I could never forget that…"
The Uchiha merely nodded. "That's when I realised… I realised that having emotions didn't make you weak – in fact, it made you stronger… I was wrong thinking that they were a sign of weakness… All those years, I was wrong… I realised that… that you were my special someone..." he trailed off. "To protect you, I had enough power to kill my brother…"
"You… You saved me Naruto…"
Naruto glanced up, and saw the gratitude within the raven-haired boy's eyes. Sudden pain tore through him. He wanted to scream, wanted to shout. Why was Sasuke doing this to him? He didn't save him!! He didn't save anyone! He couldn't save anyone! He was weak, pathetic… He didn't want to know about this, any of this! He didn't want to feel… He didn't want the pain… He didn't want to feel the pain again…
Why did it hurt so much? Why the hell did it hurt so much?
And why was Sasuke breaking his heart all over again?
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"The year after, Sakura looked after me again… I… I couldn't return to Konoha… I had nothing there, apart from memories of you… And I knew that we could never be… There was just too much against us… Also I had the suspicion that you hated me…"
"Hated me for leaving so abruptly… Hating me for what we did…"
"So I decided to fulfil my promise… I had nothing to live for apart from her… I had no goal, I had no dream… Except the new one I assigned myself to keep her happy…"
"In a way, she saved me again… She gave me a reason worth living for…" Sasuke trailed off uncertainly. "I knew it was selfish… I didn't love her and I think she knew that… But I was willing to try… And she was willing to let me try…"
Sasuke glanced up, his eyes betraying the hopelessness within.
"She asked me to marry her… And I couldn't say no… I had nothing left... Its not, it's not as if she was my last resort, but-but I thought… I thought that maybe being engaged would make it easier for me to love her…"
"Love her and forget you…"
"It was meant to be easy… I wasn't meant to see you ever again… And we were supposed to start a new family somewhere peaceful and quiet… Somewhere new… Away from everything… Away from my memories…" Sasuke's voice cracked painfully.
"But then she wanted to return, return to Konoha… I was against it at first, but she convinced me that we didn't have to stay… She just wanted to see everyone one last time… To see that they were well… That they were happy…"
"I was adamant. I couldn't… couldn't risk going back… But then she started to cry… The first time I've ever seen her cry…" the Uchiha's voice trailed off with frustration. "I was supposed to make her happy but I had made her cry instead… I couldn't even fulfil this one simple task! So I decided to return… Just one last time… I could grant her that at least… She was there for me for 4 years… I owed her that at least…"
Sasuke gazed at Naruto again, searching him, yearning to see some reaction, some emotion… Some indication that the blonde was listening, and that he wasn't spilling his guts out upon deaf ears…
"That's why I've been cold and distant towards you…" Sasuke continued, with a trace of desperation. "I couldn't risk it… But when I saw you again, everything came rushing back at me…"
"I was falling for you all over again…"
He buried his head in his hands as his last words choked him. He knew that Naruto didn't care… But surely… The blonde must have felt something…? Anything…! He didn't care, even if the only emotion were anger and hate… At least that meant he existed…
That he was acknowledged…
"Why?" Naruto spoke up, for the first time in a long period of silence. His eyes looked strained, as if he were coping with an extremely large and invisible burden. "Why now?" he whispered. "Why can't you marry her? Why hurt her even more? You knew how much she sacrificed to be with you…"
The blonde took a shaky breath. "How can you… How can you just hurt her like that…?"
Sasuke felt his chest tremble. He knew he was selfish. He didn't deserve Sakura… He didn't deserve her love, her care…
Maybe he didn't deserve anyone…
But he didn't plan to hurt her… She was the last person, apart from the blonde, that he would ever plan to hurt… ever hurt deliberately… When the Uchiha had accepted the proposal, he had honestly thought that he could get over Naruto… That the memories would fade… Fade with time… And become nothing but distant recollections of the past… The past that he was so desperate to forget…
The past that could never be.
"I wasn't meant to see you again…"Sasuke whispered. "I tried, Naruto…I really tried… I tried to love her… Make her happy… But all I could think about was you… I kept comparing her to you…"
"Why are you telling me this?" Naruto interrupted, his voice hoarse and overwrought with barely constrained emotion. "Why are you doing to this to me? You know we can't be together…" he trailed off.
"We can never be together!" The final statement was assertive, confident, strong.
Sasuke smiled sadly. He had expected this… He had prepared himself, anticipated the inevitable rejection… After all, Naruto had Hinata now… He was happy…
And that's all that mattered, right?
So why was it, that when the inescapable words of rejection were finally spilled from the blonde's lips, that the Uchiha felt his world shatter and fall apart? Why was it, that although he had expected this, and had even prepared himself for the inevitable, that he felt his heart crack, splinter and disintegrate all at once?
And why was it, that no matter how he tried, he just couldn't give up?
Why couldn't he ever give up loving him?
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Silence dominated the pair once again – as the unanswered question rang shrilly through the tense atmosphere. 'Why? Why are you telling me all this? Why are you telling me now?'
'Why tell me when you know it's impossible?'
Naruto had never felt so confused in his life. He was apprehensive, angry, scared… He was scared of the situation, scared of Sasuke, scared of the desperate emotion contained within the Uchiha's words…
He was scared of his own feelings…
And one part of him was still disbelieving of the whole situation – it was just too surreal… Even in his wildest dreams, the most outrageous scenarios somehow only involved a forgiving Sasuke and promises of undying friendship…
He had never ever expected Sasuke to declare his love… So seriously, so honestly…
So hopelessly.
Just three words – three words was all it took - for their somewhat friendship to be torn apart… The basis of everything that Naruto had ever known had been broken, tossed, hurled carelessly into the wind… In that one instant, his world shattered into a million dispersing pieces – pieces and parts he could never reclaim…
Just like that… Just one statement and now the ball was in his court… He had the power to control the situation, to control their destinies… To influence their futures…
Naruto hated it. He hated the suffocating feeling of responsibility… He hated the fact that his decision could make or break the two most important people in his life… His special people… The people he would gladly die protecting…
But how could he choose? How could he choose between them? Between Sasuke's happiness and Sakura's?
And how did he himself feel? Did he love Sasuke? And did that even matter?
How was he supposed to feel?
"Why?" Naruto repeated softly, using everything - anything to distract his erratic thoughts, his restless mind… To delay stating the inevitable decision that he knew he had to undertake…
"Why, Sasuke?" he whispered, his blue eyes pleading desperately for some answers, some explanations… Searching franticly for the responses that may or may not shed some light upon his confusing predicament…
"Maybe… Maybe I just want to be forgiven…" came the soft reply. The Uchiha's voice was smooth and velvety, sending shivers up the blonde's spine…
Sasuke gazed up, admiring the half veiled night sky in between the tall tree branches. He was intoxicatingly calm, as if this was something that needed to be done - needed to be said - no matter the consequences…
"I think… I think I just want to be forgiven…"
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"You told me all this out of guilt?!" Naruto burst out incredulously, unable to conceal the disbelieving expression upon his face.
"Yes," Sasuke answered simply. He just wanted to be forgiven… He wanted to make amends, to apologise for leaving so abruptly all those years ago… He wanted forgiveness from Naruto, from Sakura…
And most importantly, he wanted to forgive himself…
"I don't believe you!" Naruto growled, his voice gradually rising in volume.
Sasuke smiled softly.
"Why-why do you care so much about forgiveness, huh?" the blonde asked in desperation. "What…. What happened to the real Sasuke? The Sasuke I used to know? He didn't give a fuck about forgiveness! He was strong… He… He didn't care about what other people thought!! I used to admire him! He… You… When did you start caring about everyone…!! When did you start to care…"
The blonde was on the verge of hysteria, as if everything he had ever known, everything he had ever understood in his life had been harshly taken away from him… Stolen, modified then brusquely returned, without time for him to adjust to the new system and the new rules…
"You're not everyone else, Naruto…" the Uchiha whispered, tenderness which once seemed impossible laced his soft tone of voice. "I don't know how many times you want me to repeat this… But you're everything to me…"
Black eyes gazed up sincerely, yet hopelessly at the same time. "I meant it when I said you owned me, Naruto… You own me heart, mind, body and soul… From that very first kiss we shared… From that moment in time, I was hooked… One kiss and I was yours for eternally… You invade my mind, my thoughts, my dreams… I can't let you go…"
Sasuke paused uncertainly, as his voice trailed off into a whisper. "I can never let you go…"
Naruto clenched his fists together, as the pain in his chest increased its intensity to an all time high. "Why are you doing this to me?" he asked, his voice hoarse under the strain and pressure of his words. "You know we can never be together!"
"I know…" the raven-haired boy smiled sadly, as he diverted his gaze to anything but the pair of hurt blue orbs in front of him. "But… I can't lie to myself anymore…"
"Why not?! You're looking for my forgiveness right? Well I forgive you!" Naruto flailed desperately. "Just don't break Sakura's heart! Please… Just… Just don't hurt her anymore!"
"I can't…" Sasuke whispered uncertainly. Why was Naruto doing this to him?
"You can!" Naruto yelled, his fists curled up tensely into tight balls. "You say you love me right? Then do me a favour!! Marry her! Please, Sasuke! Marry her…" his voice croaked. "Marry her… for me…"
Sasuke stared at the blonde, with an expression of unconcealed hurt. Why was Naruto trying to force him into a loveless marriage? "That's not fair, Naruto…"
"You'll do anything for me r-right?" the blonde stuttered in anguish. "If you really loved me, you'd do this for me!"
Sasuke felt his eyes start to sting. Why was Naruto doing this to him? Wasn't it enough that he had bared his soul to the smaller boy, knowing very well that his heart would be crushed? Wasn't it enough that he was willing to give up everything for the blonde? Willing to give up his chance of happiness because of his undying dedication…
Wasn't it enough that he was going to remain the last of the Uchiha clan? He even gave up his duty of resurrecting the bloodline, just to prove his love…
What more did Naruto want?
"I would die for you!" Sasuke stated hoarsely, the anger flashing faintly in his eyes. And yet the blonde could tell that the ever so clichéd statement came straight from the heart. He had no doubt that the Uchiha would die for him, die for him willingly and gladly. "But you're asking me to marry someone I don't love! You can't ask me to do this, Naruto! It's not fair!"
"But you-you can grow to love her!" Naruto cried despairingly.
"I can't!" Sasuke threw his arms up into the air in frustration. "How many times do I have to tell you?" An almost wild look possessed his eyes. "I love y-o-u. I love y-o-u Naruto. I can't marry her! Why… Why won't you understand?"
A raw desperation gripped his heart.
'I know its not much, but I've given all I can… What more do you want from me, Naruto?'
'And what more could I possibly give?'
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Naruto grimaced in pain as the ache in his chest attacked him once more. Every single time that the Uchiha muttered those 3 words, he felt as if a cold knife was being plunged into his heart…
Why oh why did it have to hurt so much?
The whole situation had taken a very serious turn – at this rate, Sakura would soon end up as an ex-fiancée, and woe behold – it would be his fault again…
That is… It would be his fault, if the engagement ended…
Naruto smiled bitterly. There was no way, NO WAY, that he'd let Sasuke break it off… The wedding would go on, even if it was the last thing he did… He made a promise to Sakura and he intended to keep it. He'd save her happiness even if it did mean sacrificing his own…
And how would he do that? Simple. He'd just have to make Sasuke fall out of love with him – or out of what the raven-haired boy thought was love. He had to remove the Uchiha's head out of the clouds – make him see sense… That he couldn't possibly love him…
He was nothing but a demon... And demons shouldn't be loved. Demons couldn't be loved.
Especially by an angel.
"You're wasting your time," Naruto muttered, curtly. "I know what you're trying to do and it isn't working. I don't love you Sasuke, I've never loved you, and I will never love you. Don't you understand?"
The blonde felt a ripple of burning guilt surge through him as the Uchiha visibly tensed at his words. He felt his cold pretence start to waver, but willed himself to stay strong. He had to be strong… It was for the best …
"I can't love you Sasuke…" his voice was harsh and distant. "You're too cold, too unfeeling… And that night… That night between us should never have happened! It was a mistake!"
"And I regret that night with everything I have… It's wrong, Sasuke…"
Naruto wondered why his own words were tearing his insides apart.
"I don't care…" came the broken whisper.
Naruto bit down urgently upon his lower lip as the pain in his chest flared. Images of Sasuke and Sakura flashed up in his mind. Images of the two holding hands, smiling, kissing… Making love… Images of the pair simply holding each other…
They were perfect together! Why couldn't Sasuke see that?
"There's no point staying like this. There's no chance for us… You might as well make someone happy – and Sakura needs you… You'll have something, someone worth living for again… It doesn't have to be me-"
"Don't think I love you because of some duty!" Sasuke barked, interrupting the blonde's train of thought. "I love you because I do, Naruto, not because I needed something to do! Don't you ever mock my love for you! Don't you dare take my feelings for you lightly!"
Naruto felt his flesh rip apart, as the three words were once again spoken out loud.
'I wasn't mocking you!' he wanted to cry. 'I'm so scared, Sasuke… Oh god, I'm so scared… I don't know how to feel!'
But no words came out of his mouth. Instead, his gaze hardened and his lips began to press firmly together, concealing the turmoil that was whirling hazardously inside of him.
It wasn't working… Why weren't his words working…?
He needed to take things to a new level.
"You're just being selfish, Uchiha," he murmured softly, danger lacing his low tone of voice, emphasising the hostility in using his ex-rivals surname. "You haven't changed… You haven't changed one bit…" he laughed harshly. "And to think, I actually thought you had turned over a new leaf!"
Naruto took a deep breath, his expression passive and devoid of any emotion but one – an emotion bordering on the edge of anger.
"You're still the selfish brat you've always been! Never giving anyone else's feelings another thought! Don't you care about Sakura? She gave everything for you! EVERYTHING! And you just use her like that?" his voice grew in volume, until he was almost shouting.
"And what about your oh so precious clan huh? You just going to leave it? Die as the last Uchiha? Let the whole prestigious bloodline die out for no good reason except your own damn selfishness? For someone who will never love you? For someone who could never love you? Where's the pride huh? Where's the Sasuke I used to know? Where's the Sasuke that kept every promise? And fulfilled every duty? WHERE IS HE?!" Naruto shouted in rage, his fists clenched so tightly that his knuckles became white.
Sasuke flinched.
"I don't know why she gives a fuck about you, Uchiha! I certainly wouldn't! But she does! And whether I like it or not, you're the only one who can make her happy! So if you fucking hurt her, I swear, I'll never forgive you! Then you can kiss your stupid 'forgiveness complex' goodbye!"
Naruto slumped back onto the ground after his outburst. He winced from the pain attacking him from all sides – attacking his chest, his heart his mind. Why did it all have to end up like this? Why did Sasuke have to leave 5 years ago? Why couldn't he have stayed? Maybe… Maybe things could've turned out differently!!
Maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much…
"I'm sorry Naruto…"came the soft answer, so soft, so gentle – so understanding that it make Naruto sick to the stomach. Why did the Uchiha have to be like this? Why wasn't he screaming at him? Arguing back? Insulting back?
Why did he have to understand??
"If that's how you feel…" the Uchiha's voice stifled, as he glanced up, capturing blue eyes with his own black ones. Emotions poured out from the two pupils – rare emotions, feelings hardly ever seen upon the usually passive boy's features… His eyes… They… They were like the windows to his soul…
Naruto choked back a sob as he realised that inside, there was nothing but despair and hopelessness. Sasuke had an empty soul… It was barren, blank, cold… Devoid of warmth... It was as if…
As if the Uchiha had given up all faith…
'I don't feel that way!' he wanted to scream. 'Don't look at me like that… Oh god, Sasuke, please don't look at me like that!'
"It's how I feel," Naruto answered, softly but firmly, wondering how the hell he managed to keep his emotions in check. Why did it have to end up like this?
"I'm sorry…" Sasuke whispered. He inched closer towards the blonde and stretched out a hand tentatively, then brushed the side of his face ever so softly. Naruto tensed, his eyes fluttering close, trying his best not to lean into the warmth, in the gentle caress…
But he didn't pull away either.
"I'm sorry for everything…" Sasuke continued to whisper, his voice thick from emotion, emotion that used to be so rarely displayed upon the stoic boy's features. His smooth fingers gently traced down the side of Naruto's face until they rested lightly under his chin.
Naruto shivered. What was Sasuke doing? Why was he doing this to him? He could feel the warmth radiating outwards from the taller boy… He could feel the power, the strength under those fingertips… And yet they were so gentle, so soft…
Then Sasuke leaned in slowly. Naruto could smell him, feel the heat intensifying. His heart rate picked up speed, from a mixture of both fear and anticipation. He didn't want this! He didn't want any of this…
Did he?
Naruto felt a light pressure upon his lips. Then it was gone… So soft, quick, chaste… So shy.
The blonde opened his eyes dazedly, suppressing the sudden yearning, the sudden longing that built up inside of him… He wanted more contact, more warmth…
"I… Just answer me one thing, Naruto…" Sasuke murmured softly, so calmly that it made Naruto wonder whether the kiss was just another figment of his imagination. "Do… Do you think things would've ended up differently if I hadn't left?"
Silence seemed to stretch for an eternity.
"I don't know…" Naruto murmured honestly, looking at the ground, trying his best to calm the raging hurt boiling within him.
Sasuke smiled softly. "I'm sorry things turned out like this…"
Naruto glanced up, and his breath caught in his throat as he realised that the raven-haired boy was crying. Tears were streaming lightly down his cheeks, sparkling in the dim light.
But… But angels shouldn't cry!
"I have very few regrets in my life, but you know what I regret the most?" he continued to ask, his voice trembling ever so slightly.
Naruto shook his head – his heart hurt too much for him to think let alone answer coherently.
"It's letting Itachi take away yet another person that I loved…" the Uchiha smiled bitterly. "Strange how he could do that, even if it was achieved inadvertently…"
Naruto wanted to scream, wanted to shout. 'But I have to do this Sasuke! Don't you understand? I have to! We can't be together! We just can't! You don't really love me! You can't love me… I'll just end up cursing you, ruining you, hurting you…'
'You'll end up hating me… I don't want you to hate me… I don't think I could ever stand you hating me, looking at me with cold eyes…'
'Then you'll leave me… I don't want you to leave me! I can't risk loving you, then going through all the pain when you leave! Don't say you won't leave me, because you will… You'll leave me again, just like everyone else… And I can't bear losing you… Not again… It's too painful…'
'And there's Sakura! We can't do this to her! She's given everything for you! I can't be that selfish, to accept you, ruin her life, then only to have you leave me afterwards! You can't love me Sasuke, no one can! No one can love a demon… Might as well save us all the pain… Don't you understand? Please understand, please… Please don't hate me…!'
He wanted to say all of it, but he couldn't.
"I'm…Sorry…" was all Naruto managed to murmur, before his vocal chords collapsed from the crushing pressure upon his throat.
"I just want you to know that I'll always love you…" Sasuke whispered, before he stood up to leave. He glanced back one final time, as he locked his sorrowful gaze with the blue eyes in front of him. "And even if you think that night was a mistake, it was still the best night of my life. I'll… I'll never forget it…"
"I…Goodbye Naruto…"
Then the Uchiha boy left.
Naruto stared dumbly at the spot that Sasuke was last standing in. He choked back another sob, trying his best to get last the image of the raven-haired boy out of his mind…
The hurt… The tears… The sparkling tears… It was the first time that he had ever seen Sasuke cry… So honestly, so vulnerably… So sad, so hopelessly…
So much emotion. So much pain.
Why did things have to turn out this way? Was he always destined to be cursed, no matter what he did? But he had done the right thing, right?
He had done the right thing! Everything will turn out for the best! Sakura will be happy, then over time, Sasuke will forget about him… Sasuke will forget about him and fall in love with her… Like he was supposed to… Like he was destined to…
They'll all forget about him…
Then everything would be perfect. Absolutely perfect.
The blonde bit down upon his lower lip, then felt something warm and wet enter his mouth. Warm, wet and salty…
That's when he realised that he was crying too. Tears continued to pour down his face, relentlessly, like a damn that had been cruelly torn apart and broken beyond repair. Years of hurt, years of pain, or rejection, of dreams…
That's when he realised. The anger, the resentment hadn't been from hate at all… Oh no… The fury - the rage - it was all sparked by one emotion that Naruto could only fully comprehend just now…
It was love... Unrequited love…
Blue eyes widened momentarily as the realisation struck. Then they immediately softened again – it wasn't that much of a shock… Some part of him, some part of him deep down inside had always sensed, had always known that he harboured some kind of feelings, some kind of affection for the raven-haired youth…
So he loved him. It wasn't that surprising. Not really. And it wasn't as if his sudden discovery would make much difference anyway…
"I love you too…" he whispered quietly into the wind, knowing very well that his confession had just fallen upon deaf ears.
Tears continued to fall as the man that he loved disappeared into the distance. Sasuke had left again. Not for the first time, but most probably for the last time… And it was his fault. He had driven the Uchiha away. He had even made him cry. He couldn't forgive himself for that…
He could never forgive himself for making an angel cry.
"Don't…leave…me…" he whispered in broken gasps, his chest heaving with the effort of forming coherent words…
But it was too late. He was gone.
The pain flared up once again in his chest… Attacking him, suffocating him… Why did it have to turn out like this?
Why?
And why did it still have to hurt so much?
It made him wonder - was it even possible to break an already broken heart?
---------------------------------
Sasuke sprinted blindly away from the clearing, away from the boy that had haunted his dreams for 5 years… Away from the one person he loved - the person he had always loved.
Tears obstructed his vision, never ceasing, never conceding…
He just had to accept it – Naruto just didn't love him. He has never and would never love him… He was foolish to confess his feelings. It had gained nothing but pain.
He had given everything – sacrificed everything, yet everything wasn't enough… Everything just wasn't enough for Naruto…
He had given all he had to give…
An image of Hinata flashed painfully into his mind. Naruto and Hinata hand in hand, smiling at each other... The two kissing... Making love... Sweet, caring Hinata... Everything he was not...
Everything he could never be...
"Stay happy Naruto… Even if that means being with someone else… Even if that means being with Hinata…" he whispered softly, wondering why the hell he was still hurting so much. Why was he hurting when he knew that this was going to happen? He had expected this!
'I'm sorry Naruto… I'm sorry for everything… And if marrying Sakura makes you happy, then so be it…'
It was worth it – as long as it made Naruto happy…
Anything was worth it for him...
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End chapter 14
I've always wanted to write a fic that made people cry... I'm not sure if I've achieved it, but I've realised that whatever I write never affects me... As in, I didn't find this sad one bit... Or maybe that's just me... (then again I am feeling strangely solemn)
Please review - I'd love to hear your opinions on this chapter... (please leave an email address if you want a reply to your reviews)
And sorry if Sasuke seems OOC. Then again he has been keeping this all in for 5 years, the poor guy... He's kinda cracked if you know what I mean, as in he can't control it... And the 'forgiven part' is from the final fantasy vii - advent children trailer. Looks good huh?
and if you would like to join the mailing list, please email me purrfectly679hotmail.com, or leave me a review with your email address in it...