Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. But I DO own
the game on ps2
Title: I think I better leave right now - chapter 16
Author: Purrfectly679 - e-mail purrfectly679hotmail.com
for comments and suggestions. Feedback highly appreciated.
Rating: PG-13, angst, bad language. SakuSasu, SasuNaru
Notes: No spoilers. This is a revised repost.
Previously: Naruto takes a drunk Sasuke home, as a figure watches from the shadows...
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"Naruto?" Sakura asked anxiously, throwing open the front door in haste, as she finally glimpsed the blonde boy reaching the Uchiha establishment 2 hours later. Her eyes searched the surrounding vicinity in unconcealed anxiousness.
"Where's Sasuke?" she asked bleakly, once she saw that the blonde was in fact alone.
"I'm here," interrupted a low monotone, as a dark figure crept silently out of the shadows. The Uchiha looked extremely pained, as if he were straining to suppress the symptoms of his intoxication… But fortunately, the fact that he was actually able to walk by himself suggested that the alcohol had already begun its lengthy recession out of his body…
That or he was just too proud to ask for assistance…
"I'm so glad you're ok…" Sakura sighed in sincere relief, as she made her way out of the house and into the arms of her dark-haired love. Sasuke visibly flinched as the slender arms wrapped themselves around his tense shoulders.
"Sorry Sakura, but not now…" he murmured quietly, before he promptly removed himself from her embrace, and stalked grimly into the house.
Naruto watched in restrained discomfort, feeling very much like a recluse, as if he were somehow intruding upon the couple's fragile moment…
"It's ok…" Sakura smiled hollowly, the effort apparent as she struggled for a somewhat dismissive expression. "It happens all the time…" she added, as if her fiancé's frosty actions weren't uncommon nor infrequent at all…
She was almost used to it…
Naruto bit down upon his lower lip in shame, as the full realisation of the pink haired girl's struggle hit him head on. She had tolerated so much, endured so much pain… She had been to hell and back because of the raven-haired boy… And yet… And yet she was still by his side… She was still so devoted…
Still so hopelessly in love…
Naruto frowned. What would he do if that happened to him? How would he act if Sasuke treated him so coldly? Would he still stay by the Uchiha's side? Would he be so completely and utterly smitten with love, that he'd stay dedicated, no matter how badly he was mistreated?
Could he really endure the pain?
"I'm sorry…" Naruto croaked ambiguously, half apologising for his lack of perception when it came to her suffering, and half for the bitter betrayal that he had unconsciously executed upon her…
He still couldn't believe it… It was only an hour ago – a mere 60 minutes - that he had been in a passion lip lock with her fiancé, the one man that she had devoted her heart and soul to… He had tasted the Uchiha's lips, had drowned in his scent…
He had betrayed and deceived…
Just what kind of friend was he?
Sakura smiled as tears sprung to her eyes. "It's not your fault…" she whispered, her voice trembling uncertainly. "He's always been like that…"
The blonde looked at his feet as the bitter feelings of guilt overwhelmed him. He didn't even want to be here! God, why didn't he stay away? Why couldn't he stay away? He should've immediately taken the Uchiha home when he had the chance… Then maybe nothing would've happened between them… Then everything would've turned out ok…
Then maybe he wouldn't have committed the ultimate betrayal…
Naruto clenched his fists involuntarily. What the hell was he thinking? Just what the fuck had been going on in that messed up mind of his when he had kissed Sasuke back? He had fucking kissed him back! God, what was wrong with him? Didn't he realise that anything involving Sasuke, let alone kissing him, was guaranteed to cause even more problems?
Just why the hell was he born so stupid?
"Hey, you better come in Naruto… I don't want you getting a cold on my behalf…"
"It's ok, I was going to go home-"
"Nonsense," Sakura replied firmly, the authority reasserting itself in her voice. "It's much too late… You can sleep over and go home in the morning…"
"No seriously, it's ok…" the blonde rushed his words in a semi-state of panic. He couldn't stay! Not when Sasuke there! He wasn't actually sure whether things could possibly get any worse, but he wasn't eager to find out either!
"Please Naruto…"Sakura murmured softly, her green eyes pleading him, begging him… "I… I haven't thanked you yet for helping me again…"
The blonde cursed himself inwardly for being weak. He couldn't let his resolve melt… This wasn't fair! Didn't she understand? He had to get away! He couldn't stay… Not with Sasuke so close by…
What if he lost control again?
Naruto felt the familiar pain rise up in his chest again. Didn't she realise? Didn't she realise that they both loved the same man? And yet Naruto knew that the Uchiha could never be happy with him… The man had a bloody clan to resurrect for God's sake! And he himself was just a demon… What did he know about love…?
Could demons even love?
Sakura was perfect for him – why couldn't Sasuke see that? They were the golden couple, born for one another, complementing each other in every way… The best ninja in the village together with the smartest and most beautiful girl… The match made in heaven…
Just what more could he want?
Naruto bit down harshly on his bottom lip, drawing blood in the process, the pain distracting himself from the ache of his broken heart. He hated this! Why was she doing this to him? He had already admitted defeat – she had won! She had won Sasuke… He had accepted the painful fact a long time ago, that no matter what the future brings, the Uchiha would always be happier with her…
So why was she still prolonging the pain? Why was she still rubbing it in and making him suffer?
Why couldn't she let it go?
"Please Naruto…" Sakura murmured softly, as she noticed the blonde's apparent hesitation. Her eyes were completely serious, as if she had thought about the issue for a very long time. "I… I don't understand… Just… Just what are you so afraid of?"
'I'm afraid of losing control…' Naruto thought, but remained silent, his fists clenching and unclenching vehemently.
Her green eyes searched his blue orbs, searching for answers, for explanations… "Come on, tell me… Tell me, Naruto! Why are you being a stranger? Did… Did I do something wrong? Did I do something wrong again?"
"Do I always do something wrong?"
Naruto continued to stare at the floor in barely concealed guilt.
"Answer me Naruto! Why? Why are you acting like this? Why are you turning your back on your friends?" her voice was laced with a hint of hysteria and desperation, as if she knew and understood one half of the story, but couldn't work out the rest no matter how hard she tried…
And it frustrated her no end…
Naruto clenched his eyes shut in despair. Couldn't she see? He wasn't turning his back on them! He had their best interests at heart! Couldn't they see? They would be so much more happier without him! Why didn't they realise? Why did they never realise?
It was all for the best!
"I need you Naruto…" Sakura whispered softly, as she collapsed wearily on her front doorstep. It seemed as if all the night's commotion had finally taken a visible toll on her energy level and strength. A lone tear slid down her perfectly sculpted cheekbone, adding to the countless number of tears she had already shed that night…
"I'm asking you, please… As a friend, Naruto… Please… Please stay here tonight…"
Naruto grimaced and stared up into the dark sky, needing something, anything to distract him from the distraught girl sitting in front of him. And no matter how he much he diverted his vision from her pitiful figure, the fact that her tears were caused by him still tore at his conscience…
He sighed bitterly, trying to divert his attention by unsuccessfully locating the stars in the night sky… He then wondered where all the stars had gone... Those big clouds definitely weren't up there a few hours ago…
Then out of the blue, it began to rain… Big fat drops of cold rainwater splashed generously over his hair and clothes, drenching him instantly…
He smiled cynically - he had a feeling he was going to regret this…
"I guess the heavens made the decision for me…" he murmured, before making his way slowly into the Uchiha house…
It was ok… As long as he stayed away… It wasn't as if things could possibly get any worse anyway… Just as long as he stayed away… It would be ok… Right?
It would be ok…
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"Here, I'll go make you a cup of tea, and you go get some dry clothes…"
Naruto agreed mutely, dragging himself towards the foot of the stairs with precaution, trying his best not to drip water all over the unnaturally clean floor. It was as if no one lived here at all… He sighed inaudibly – today was not his day… Not only was everything against him, but now even the weather decided to oppose him! And that had to be a new world record - the shortest amount of time ever needed for someone to get utterly and thoroughly drenched…
"Uhm… Not that way…" Sakura murmured, interrupting the blonde's bout of self pitying. "I don't think my clothes will fit you…"
Naruto gave her an adorable look of confusion. Of course he wasn't going to wear her clothes! But the main bedroom was upstairs right? Room meant wardrobes, and wardrobes meant clothes…
"Ah… Sasuke's sleeping there…" she murmured weakly, pointing to a guest room locating on the ground floor, right at the end of a long and dark hallway.
Naruto blanched. Wearing the Uchiha's clothes was bad enough, but now he had to confront him again? Alone?! And why the hell was he sleeping there anyway?! Wasn't he supposed to sleep next to his fiancée?
"He… He likes his privacy…" Sakura explained, as she observed the baffled expression gracing the blonde's features. "And while you're at it, can you bring him some water and aspirin? Alcohol messes up his system pretty badly, and I don't want him getting dehydrated again…" her voice trailed off sadly into a whisper. It was obvious that this occurrence wasn't the first of its kind…
Naruto swallowed nervously. He didn't want to seem too suspicious, but there was no way that he'd ever go into Sasuke's bedroom alone! How was he supposed to restrain himself in such a tempting situation? He couldn't afford to lose control again! Gah, just what were the Gods playing at?!
"Uhmm… Could you get the clothes for me? Then you can give him the aspirin cos I might mess up and… And… And I really need the bathroom!" he squeaked hastily, his words tumbling out in a chaotic rush. He winced at the apparent nervousness in his voice, hoping fervently that she wouldn't see through his white lie…
But alas, things were never that easy for our favourite blonde shinobi…
The pink haired girl paused in mid-step and looked at him steadily in the eye. "I'm sorry if I made him hate you…" she murmured softly, mistaking Naruto's hesitation as fear from the Uchiha's wrath. "He's just angry… But he'll get over it… I'll… I'll talk to him tomorrow… Properly…" she added, emphasising the properly with as much conviction as she could possibly muster.
"And don't worry about anything… He's probably passed out now so you can just leave the stuff on his bedside table… He won't hurt you or anything…" she smiled softly. "And don't bother giving him anything either – you know how he likes to do things for himself…"
Naruto smiled weakly. "Yeah… Stubborn bastard isn't he?" he added, trying his best to lighten the mood between them. He felt a sudden rush of relief – maybe he could develop this fear complex further as an excuse to avoid Sasuke?
Sakura's expression softened visibly.
"Yes… And one of the reasons why I love him so much…"
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Naruto walked sullenly down the dark hallway, balancing a tray of water and aspirin with ease in one hand, as he wondered why he hadn't noticed the vastness of the Uchiha house before. He frowned – it was only expected really… Considering that the Uchiha clan were one of the most prestigious and respected families in the whole of Konoha, it was only logical that they lived in an impressively huge house…
And being the last survivor of the advanced bloodline, Sasuke had, as expected, inherited the main establishment…
'Such a large house…' Naruto thought grimly. He definitely wouldn't have liked to live here during his childhood… It was much too big for one person to reside in alone…
Then again, Sasuke always did like his independence…
Naruto shivered involuntarily once he reached the entrance to the raven-haired boy's room. It seemed so foreboding, so dark… Mysteriousness seemed to rivulet out from underneath the door, as if hiding numerous secrets that transcended beyond this dimension and time…
It made his knees weak…
He bit down upon his bottom lip, and sighed inaudibly. In all truthfulness, he would've preferred to stay in his wet clothes rather than borrow something that the Uchiha wore… He didn't want to be reminded of his smell - the dark, husky scent that could only be rightfully defined as Sasuke… To be constantly pursued by the presence of him – the one thing that he could never have…
And staying in damp clothes wasn't really a problem - it's not like he could catch a cold anyway… But alas, Sakura would probably bitch and moan about his lack of consideration concerning his health, which he definitely wasn't in the mood for… (Although how his health concerned her was still beyond his logical thought)
Then there was the possibility that she might start attacking him with questions about his strange behaviour concerning Sasuke… He wasn't really sure whether the 'fear' factor was such a good justification after all – she wasn't called the smartest girl in the village for nothing…
Naruto sighed. He knew he couldn't lie to save his life – he was adequate at withholding information, but to tell an outright lie? He was truly as hopeless as they came…
He frowned, then set his features into a determined stare. He had to avoid seeming conspicuous at all times… He couldn't afford to let the pink haired girl know of his past with Sasuke, of his feelings…
Of his betrayal…
But it'll be ok… Sasuke was asleep… And he couldn't do anything if he was asleep… And Naruto wouldn't have to look into his eyes again… Those haunting eyes so full of pain and grief… And if he didn't have to look into his eyes, then it wouldn't have to hurt so much… He would be in and out of the room before you could say 'ramen!' Nothing would happen…
Nothing could happen…
Feeling slightly more confident, Naruto sent one final prayer to the unresponsive Gods, before reluctantly pushing the door to Sasuke's room open, and hesitantly stepping inside…
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"Maru…?"
Shikamaru mumbled incoherently and snuggled deeper into his covers. He was having such a nice dream, something he hadn't had in quite a long time… It was one of his favourite pastimes, just sitting on the hillside staring at the clouds floating by effortlessly, the warm sun gently warming the surface of his skin…
"Maru?" the voice was barely a whisper, twinged slightly with an edge of desperation.
"Mhmm…" the dark pony-tailed man mumbled, as he buried his head deeper into his fluffy pillow. The clouds looked almost silver, glinting enthusiastically in the sunlight, as a delicate breeze brushed against him, refreshing his entire being from head to toe…
"It's raining…"
Shikamaru yawned irritably but kept his eyes clenched shut together. "So…?" The sun, the sky and the clouds faded away… He sighed inaudibly…
There goes his beloved dream…
"Something bad is happening…"
The lazy ninja wrapped his arms around the source of the whispers. "Just sleep yeh? Nothing's happening…"
Silence reigned for a few blissful moments, where the only sounds that could be heard originated from the raindrops splashing relentlessly against the windows… It felt so good to be inside, sheltered from the unpredictable forces of nature… It felt so safe and cocooned…
"Maru… I'm worried…"
Shikamaru sat up irritably, the grogginess of sleep evading him slowly. "What's the matter now?" he asked, as he gazed at his bedside clock. 4.15 am… His eyebrows twitched in exasperation. Just what the hell could be so important that it couldn't wait until morning?!
"I'm worried about Sakura…" the blonde haired girl whimpered in reply to his unvoiced question, clutching the covers tightly against her chest, as if the fabric was providing her with some much needed comfort…
"Can't you worry about her tomorrow?" the dark haired man half yawned and half frowned simultaneously.
"But I haven't heard from her in two weeks!"
"Yeh, but it's really late, and I doubt she's even awake right now…" Shikamaru murmured softly, as he pulled the trembling girl flush against his bare chest. He sighed, loudly this time – sometimes she could be so troublesome…
"But what about Sasuke and Naruto and-"
"Look we don't know anything for sure… And there's nothing we can do anyway, especially right now… So why don't you get some sleep, and we'll go see her tomorrow yeh?" Shikamaru persuaded gently, trying his best not to roll his eyes. He knew that unless he comforted her, there was no way that he was going to get back to sleep that night…
And he hated losing his sleep…
Ino nodded weakly against his chest, and let herself be pulled down into a more comfortable resting position. She snuggled closer to him.
"Oyasumi, Maru-chan…"
Shikamaru wrapped his arms around her tenderly and sighed once again – sometimes… Sometimes she was worth the extra trouble...
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The first thing Naruto noticed when he entered the spare bedroom was that it was very small, and very dark. There was a single, albeit small window opposite the bed, but due to the heavy rain and thick clouds, not a beam of light managed to shine through… The only light source upon the room consisted of the dim flicker that somehow managed to traverse from the kitchen, generating a somewhat mysterious yet haunting atmosphere…
Almost like a graveyard of angels…
Naruto swallowed nervously as he glanced at the figure sleeping peacefully upon the bed. It was too dark to make out Sasuke's features, which secretly relieved the blonde… He wasn't sure whether seeing the Uchiha so near again was such a good idea, especially after what had happened only a few hours ago…
He placed the tray silently next to the raven-haired boy's bed, trying his best not to wake the slumbering figure. God knows what could happen if that transpired…
Then as quietly as possible, he rummaged through the lone set of drawers in the room, and pulled out a plain blue sweatshirt and a pair of white shorts. He grimaced – they smelled heavily of the Uchiha, his unique scent diffusing rapidly all around him, choking him, suffocating him…
Naruto doubted that he'd get any sleep that night…
The blonde turned around and looked at Sasuke one last time before leaving the room… He knew he shouldn't have – it would've hurt a hell of a lot less if he had just walked away… But he just couldn't resist…
Only a fool could resist…
Naruto smiled bitterly. Even in the dark, and while intoxicated, the raven-haired boy's silhouette still seemed to glow with an ethereal beauty… He could distinguish each curve of the Uchiha's lithe and slender body, perceive each muscle that rippled every time he breathed…
God he was beautiful…
Naruto turned away sadly. He realised that it was probably the last ever chance that he'd ever get to appreciate Sasuke's beauty… But best to let go before it hurt even more right? He sighed bitterly – he was a fool for getting involved in the first place – he knew that there was no chance in hell that Sasuke would ever be happy with him… He should've stayed away from the very beginning – even an idiot knew that letting someone like the Uchiha go was gonna hurt like hell…
Sasuke was just too good for him… He deserved someone better - someone that wasn't a demon, someone that wasn't despised…
Someone like Sakura…
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Sakura waited patiently for the water to boil. Naruto must be freezing with all those damp clothes sticking to his body, and it was probably all her fault again… She shut her eyes wearily. Why did things always go wrong for her? And why couldn't she even keep her own fiancé under control?
She sighed – if only she had forced him to listen that night… If only she had listened to Kakashi, and made Sasuke take responsibly… Then maybe… Then maybe none of this would've happened…
And she had to stop imposing upon Naruto like that… The boy still had a life to lead, without needing to hold her hand upon every step of hers… She could tell that he was beginning to get a little frustrated… Frustrated at her and frustrated at Sasuke… Not that she could blame him…
She sighed. How much she envied him… He lived such a simple life, devoid of problems, devoid of difficulties…
Devoid of pain and suffering…
She bit down upon her lower lip. Two weeks… It had been two weeks since that night at Ichiraku's… And only two weeks and a day since Sasuke had returned from his little self induced 'excursion'… That was a total of 2 nights spent at home by the Uchiha voluntarily in almost a month…
It was getting beyond ridiculous…
And who would've guessed it huh? Sasuke, the great Uchiha Sasuke… The boy with the airs and graces to rival the gods themselves… The ninja with the genius bloodline, the skill to surpass all before him… The saviour, the Adonis of the village - now a worthless alcoholic…
He wasn't the Sasuke she knew…
He couldn't be the Sasuke she knew…
She felt tears well up in her eyes and she immediately brushed them away defiantly. Just what the hell had she done wrong anyway? He had everything to live for, yet he threw everything away! What could've been so bad that he had to throw away his dreams, and abandon every shred of his dignity…?
Did Sasuke hate her? Did he abhor her presence so much that he couldn't even stay in the same house as her for more than a day?
Did he really hate her that much?
But if he were so goddamn unhappy about their current situation, then why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he break it off? He was Uchiha Sasuke for fucks sake! He was strong, confident and the most lusted after man in the whole of Konoha – he couldget whatever he wanted…
And if she wasn't what he wanted, then why the hell did he even agree to marry her in the first place? Why the hell would anyone, let alone the Uchiha himself, submit themselves to an undesired marriage?
'Unless…' Sakura thought with sinking clarity and distress…
…Unless… There was someone else?
Was it possible that Sasuke wanted someone else?
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Sasuke was aware of Naruto's presence in his room long before he opened his eyes to look at him. Even in his half drunken state, he could still sense him with every pore of his being… Every fibre of his soul… He could still feel the blonde upon his lips, still taste him, taste his being… He could smell his unique characteristic scent, almost overwhelming him with undulating need…
He wasn't ashamed to admit it anymore – he needed Naruto…
He stared at the blonde behind half lidded eyes, willing his heart to stay steady. He was afraid that the other boy might hear the thunderous crash of his blood as it rushed around his body, rivalling the pounding of the rain against his window …
He had to be silent, he had to make this moment last… What if Naruto disappeared again? What if this was nothing but another one of his dreams? Another one of his shattering illusions?
Sasuke clenched his fists together tightly at his own stupidity. Of course it was just another hallucination…! Why the hell would Naruto be in his room anyway? The blonde had made it loud and clear that he wanted nothing to do with him anymore…
There was no chance that Naruto would ever be able to love him back…
He had never loved him…
But it was ok… Hallucinations were ok… They all purely consisted of a single vision of Naruto – an image of the blonde, just simply standing there and watching him… Sasuke didn't need to be kissed, he didn't need to be touched… He didn't even need the blonde to talk… He just needed him there, needed his soothing presence, just standing, just watching… He felt somewhat safe under his tranquil gaze, felt somehow free and at peace…
So hallucinations were ok… They were better than nothing right? So what if they weren't real? So what if they weren't ever going to be real? They were better than his reality… They took his mind off his fucked up life, off his messed up circumstances… They gave him happiness, even if it was only temporary, even if it was only fake…
Was it wrong to live in a dream? Was it wrong to live in denial?
These illusions, these mirages, these dreams… They were all he lived for right now… They were the only things that gave him comfort throughout the pain… And he found that they came much more frequently and more vividly when he was heavily intoxicated…
Hence the drinking…
The vision of Naruto moved slightly, sending every nerve in the Uchiha's body into mild panic. Was Naruto leaving? Why was he leaving? This hadn't happened before! Usually the image of the blonde stayed there until he was stupid enough to reach out and touch it, or until he was idiotic enough to utter a sound…
'But I didn't even move!'
Naruto seemed to hesitate on the spot before remaining still, as the rain continued to pour outside…
Sasuke felt relief surge through his body, then immediately forced himself to become immobile, reducing his breathing and heart rate to mimic that of a genuine slumbering person. He had always been proficient at this imitation ability – being a shinobi sometimes required underhand tactics which involved lowering your enemies' guard and defences, and what was more defenceless than a sleeping person?
But recently, he had found that he had a certain knack for the skill, especially when it came to fooling Sakura during the night… He had found that pretending to sleep shut her up much more efficiently than any other methods, even more effective that his highly respected death glare. Yes he knew her tirades were probably for the best, but sometimes she could be so damn annoying…
It was hard enough to cope with everything all at once – he didn't need to add her rants to his ever-growing list of problems…
Sasuke heard a small shuffle of feet against the floor, and felt his whole body tense in suspense. What the hell was going on? His hallucinations never usually made a sound!! Unless… Unless Sakura had decided to pay him yet another nightly visit…?
The Uchiha risked parting his eyes slightly, only to see the back of Naruto's head leaving his room. He blinked in shock.
"Don't leave…" he called out before he could stop himself, his voice hoarse and barely audible even to his own ears. He immediately berated himself for such a stupid action – now his vision was definitely going to disappear…
But to his utter surprise, the image seemed to freeze on the spot.
Taking this as some form of encouragement, Sasuke continued. "Don't leave… Please don't leave…"
The Uchiha opened his eyes properly now for a prolonged observation, and even in the dark he could make out Naruto's form, make out every curve of his body, every ruffle of his unruly golden hair…
He frowned slightly… Was it him, or was Naruto's hair looking less windswept tonight? It was actually looking quite flat, almost tamed… Was it… was it wet?
But… But if it was wet, and it was raining outside, then…
Then…
Sasuke gasped loudly and sat up in shock. Maybe this wasn't a hallucination!
"Naruto?"
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Naruto felt his world come crashing down abruptly.
Sasuke was awake?
Why didn't he notice it before? He could've sworn that the Uchiha's breathing was that of a steady sleeper…
"Oh god, Naruto, don't go…"
The blonde tensed. How could he be so stupid! What the hell was he doing here?! Why the hell didn't he leave when he had the chance? He had to get out… He had to get out immediately…
"Please, Naruto… Don't leave me…"
Naruto clenched his eyes shut. This was the exact reason why he was avoiding the Uchiha, avoiding him and everyone around him… He was eluding these situations, these agonizing confrontations because of the ache it caused, and the implacable pain it instigated… He could hardly bear it anymore…
It just hurt so damn much-
"I'm sorry Naruto…" Sasuke choked, his voice full of unconcealed emotion. He was speaking hurriedly as if this were the last time he would ever get the opportunity to speak to the blonde. "I know I've never treated you well in the past… But we can still be friends right? I can't… I can't lose you as a friend as well…"
"I'm… I'm sorry… Please, please Naruto…" he trailed off, as if afraid that the other boy might just disappear…
"Please don't be a stranger…"
Naruto clenched his fists together tightly, as the words seared through his entire being, burning his heart, burning his soul…
"I know… I know I've been a terrible friend… I… I never told you anything about myself… And I never asked you anything about your life either… You probably thought that I didn't trust you… But I did! I… I trusted you with my life…"
"I'm… God, I'm so sorry Naruto…" the Uchiha's voice was on the edge of desperation. "But will you listen to me now? I'll tell you now, I'll tell you everything… It's never too late, right? You always used to say that it was better late than never…"
Naruto willed himself to walk away, to simply walk out the room and never look back. Wouldn't it hurt a lot less? Wouldn't it stop the pain from numbing his entire soul, as it had already done on numerous occasions?
After all, pain was good in its own way… It benefited us because it warned us of any danger and approaching hazards… For example, a toothache advised us to look after out teeth properly, and a burn alerted us that fires could cause pain and damage… Which led to one of the basic laws of nature – if it hurt, then simply stop doing it…! Or at least try your best to diminish the pain… After all – no one in their right mind would actually anticipate pain with happiness, nor try to prolong it…
So why was it that no matter how much it hurt, he still couldn't walk away from Sasuke?
Why couldn't he just walk away and save himself a lot of heartache?
"I… I know I've always acted cold and unfeeling, but the truth is I… I guess I was afraid…" Sasuke rushed his words, without really being aware of what he was really saying. He felt as if he kept trying to explain, it would somehow keep Naruto standing there, if only for a little bit longer…
Even if it did mean baring his shattered soul once more…
"I… After everyone around me died… I… I felt really… I felt so empty… And cold… I… I don't know how to explain it… But… But it was as if my will to live had been ripped from my soul…"
"Oh god, Naruto, it was so cold…"
Naruto bit down harshly upon his lower lip, drawing blood from the earlier wound. He knew only too well how the coldness felt. He felt it everyday… He felt it every time someone looked at him, looked at him as if he himself were the demon fox, as if everything that had ever gone wrong in the history of Konoha all somehow directed back towards him…
"It… It was so much easier… To just act like I didn't care… I thought… I thought that maybe I could fool myself? That maybe if everyone believed it, then I might start believing it myself…" Sasuke trailed off, his voice overwhelmed by emotion.
"It really hurt Naruto…" he whispered uncertainly. "Being alone… It's the worse kind of pain… Having no one there when you came home, no one to ask you about your day, no one to protect nor care for you…"
"But it surrounded me… The loneliness… And the villagers… They… They acted as if they cared…" the Uchiha's voice cracked under his unconcealed anguish. "But they didn't – they were nothing but damned hypocrites! I still came home to an empty house… They didn't really care! How could they have when they just left me like that? They… They were there during the day, but I was still alone! In such a big house… It was… So secluded… So isolated and lonely…"
"That's why I became indifferent – I cut out everyone who tried to make an impression in my life, including you… Don't get me wrong Naruto, I hated being alone… But the pain of losing someone close was a thousand times worse…"
"I thought…" Sasuke paused, as if gathering his wits together for his next confession. "I thought that if I embraced loneliness that the pain might start to dull… It couldn't get any worse right…? I… I couldn't bear to lose anyone else close to me again - I couldn't risk getting attached when there was a chance I might be left alone…" his voiced trailed off in uncertainty… "Even if I lose the happiness and comfort of relationships and bonds… It didn't matter, because at least that meant I was spared from the pain in the end…"
"It… It just hurt so much the first time…"
Naruto clenched his fists together tightly. He had never thought of it that way before… He had always thought that he was the only one who suffered the pains of loneliness… He thought that he was the only one that hated to be alone…
He had just assumed that the raven-haired boy enjoyed his independence… That the raven-haired boy just wanted to be alone…
Maybe Sasuke was more like him than he wanted to believe…
"But you changed that in me Naruto… You taught me how to trust again, taught me how to feel… You made me see that attachment was not a liability, and that true power came from protecting special people… I realised that you were my special someone ever since that battle with Haku… Then… Little by little you opened me up, and you reached into my soul…"
"And… And I don't want to be alone anymore…" the Uchiha's voice became desperate. "I hated it, and I don't want it anymore… Please Naruto, don't leave me… Just don't leave me alone anymore…"
Naruto spun around angrily and glared at the silhouette of the Uchiha. He just couldn't hold it back any longer. "You really are a fucking selfish jerk you know that?" his voice trembled with barely disguised rage, his mind too enraged to regret his harsh words. "You think you're the only one who hurts? You think you're the only one who fucking suffered? I've been alone since the day I was born! I didn't know my parents! I didn't even have any memories of them to fucking miss!"
"And you don't have all the villagers looking at you as if you were the worst kind of shit to ever grace their fucking planet! They treated me as if I were the fox, as if I killed all those people 20 years ago… And you know what? They still do! They still think it's my fucking fault!"
"At least they respected you! At least they didn't abuse you as a child, they didn't spit at you, torment you…" Naruto felt the words choking him. "At least they didn't blame you for your parent's death… They didn't tell you that your parents probably committed suicide rather than having to suffer and live with a fucked up demonic son… They didn't tell you that your parents were probably happier and better off dead…"
"And you know what? For all I know, everything they said could be true! For all I know, maybe my parents did kill themselves! You know how that feels?" Naruto whispered harshly, the coldness evident in his eyes, as he clenched his fists angrily. "Do you know how it feels when you can't even defend you own parents, because frankly, you didn't know them at all? Because, maybe… Maybe the villagers are right! Maybe it was my fault! Maybe my parents were fucking cowards!"
Naruto stopped his tirade and tried to gather his remaining dignity together. He tried his best to suppress his unnatural anger and to stay calm… After all, it wasn't Sasuke's fault… It wasn't Sasuke's fault that he was born this way… It wasn't Sasuke's fault that the villagers were less than accepting…
It wasn't Sasuke's fault that maybe – just maybe he was a fucking demon…
"So don't you fucking dare complain! Maybe your childhood could've been better, but trust me, it could've been a whole lot worse… At least you have your memories – precious memories that can never be taken away from you… I don't even have those…"
"You are what you make for yourself Sasuke…" Naruto muttered, as the anger slowly webbed out of his system leaving him completely drained and exhausted. "You're in control, not your past and definitely not your memories… And you're not alone anymore – just take a look around you…! You don't have to suffer anymore if you just give Sakura a chance…"
The blonde turned a pleading gaze at the hunched figure at the bed. "Why can't you give her a chance Sasuke? Just… Just what more do you want?"
Silence engulfed the pair for a few overwrought seconds, wrapping around the two, threatening to choke them…
"I want you," came the whispered reply. "I want you in my life… I want to be with you, I want to hold you… Is that too much to ask?"
"I know you've always been alone too… I know you've suffered a lot… I'm… I'm sorry if it seemed as if I didn't notice… As if I didn't care… I…" Sasuke trailed off, licking his lips in the process. "I guess… I guess I was so consumed by my own fear of losing you that I ignored your feelings and stayed distant… I… I was just too scared of getting attached…"
"I've watched you for a long time Naruto…" Sasuke's voice became a touch softer as he reminisced about their past. "I watched you when you weren't aware of it, when you weren't paying any attention… I've seen those rare times when your guards were truly lowered, when you didn't feel the need to put on a front…"
"I know you used to act loud just to get attention, just to feel acknowledged… It seemed as if any attention, no matter how good or bad, somehow convinced you of your own existence… And I can tell that you still have and still use those masks now… You're still hiding, still running…"
Naruto felt his defiance slump wearily to the ground. How did Sasuke know? How did Sasuke manage to discover his deeply buried secrets? How did he learn about his masks and facades? How did he work out something that countless other people couldn't even begin to fathom?
The blonde felt his control slip hazardously through his fingers. How was it that Sasuke was the only one who managed to delve into the deep refines of his soul? How did he manage to slip into the one heavily protected place that no one had ever ventured before?
Was he really that easy to understand and decipher? Or did Sasuke read everyone like an open book?
"Just what are you running from Naruto?" Sasuke asked softly. "You lecture me about how I shouldn't let my past control me, and yet you're letting your own fear control you… But why…? Just why are you still hiding…?"
The blonde stared emotionlessly at the floor. He had no answers.
"I… I know you don't want to be alone either…" Sasuke murmured, softly. "And I promise you now Naruto, I won't leave you again…"
"I will never ever leave your side…"
"Shut up, just shut up!" Naruto yelled suddenly, the frustration overwhelming him. Why was Sasuke saying this? Why was he deliberately lying to him? Because in the end, no matter what happens, the Uchiha will leave! He will leave just like everyone else! He will leave just like he did 5 years ago, without a second thought, without a second glance behind…
"Don't you ever make me promises you can't keep!" he snapped, his eyes ablaze with anger. Sasuke knew the risks involved in getting attached to other people… He knew how much it hurt, how much it hurt to let go… So why promise the impossible? Why hurt the blonde even more with his hopeless vows?
Why make pledges that were clearly unachievable?
"I'm not lying, Naruto…" Sasuke whispered, the tension straining his voice, almost choking him. "I'm promising you now, from the bottom of my heart… I will never leave you… I will never ever leave you again…"
The blonde felt the pressure increase within his chest, and clenched his eyes shut in desperation. Why was Sasuke doing this to him? Why was he making this so much harder for the both of them?
Naruto felt his leg twitch impatiently. He couldn't stay - he just couldn't handle it anymore… These emotions, these promises – they were all confusing him, overwhelming him… He had to leave… He had to leave and clear his head…
He had to leave before it hurt too much…
"Tell me something Naruto…" the raven-haired boy murmured, desperation apparent in his voice, as if sensing the restlessness and the impeding departure of the blonde. "Just tell me one thing before you go…"
"Tell me Naruto… Are you happy?"
Naruto felt his head swim. Was he happy? What kinda question was that? Well he was alive, he had his health… He had sufficient food, and he had somewhere comfortable to sleep… He should be happy right? Sure, things could be better, but he still had all the basic necessities of life, and he had his dreams… He still had his ambition of being Hokage…
But was he happy? Was he happy with what he had? Well, he was definitely contented – there were plenty of other people less fortunate than him… After all, one should never take things for granted…
But… But was it selfish to want more? Was it selfish to desire more?
Was it selfish that in the deepest confines of his heart, the absolute truth was that he wanted no more than the one Uchiha Sasuke?
"Answer me Naruto… Are you happy? Are you happy with her?"
The blonde felt his mind crash abruptly, as a spasm of confusion flitted across his face. Her? Who exactly was her?
…Was Sasuke on about the whole Hinata-girlfriend thing again?
"Yes… I'm happy…" Naruto pronounced carefully, wondering how the hell the Uchiha managed to come to the bizarre conclusion that Hinata was his girlfriend! They hardly ever spoke to each other for god's sake! But as long as the raven-haired boy thought he was already dating someone, then he would slowly back off, right?
"I'm very happy with her… In fact, I… I love her…" the blonde lied, wondering why the hell his false confession hurt so much. But it was worth it as long as it kept Sasuke away… And as long as he stayed away, then the less he would become attached…
And he less he became attached, then the less it would hurt…
But was it even theoretically possible to become more attached than he already was?
Tense silence coated the air, as both boys seemed to simultaneously hold their breaths.
"You're lying…" Sasuke finally concluded, although the wobbling of his voice betrayed his doubt. "I… I've watched you Naruto… I…" the Uchiha trailed off unsteadily. "I've seen you… I know you're unhappy… You're hiding behind that façade of yours again… Don't… Don't lie to me because I know!"
"You don't know me!" Naruto interrupted, his voice cracking under the intensity of the situation.
No one knew him… No one really knew him…
"I've watched you!" Sasuke whispered harshly. "I've watched you for years – don't tell me that I don't know you! I… I can see it in your eyes Naruto… You're hurting - you're hurting as much as I am…"
Naruto clenched his fists stiffly, as he felt moisture beginning to sting his eyes.
"Tell me Naruto! Does your heart hurt as much as mine? Does it? Cos mine shatters every time I see you, every time I feel you near… It hurts so much, to see you and not have to the right to hold you… To smell you but not have permission to touch nor taste you… It… It feels as if I'm ripped apart from the inside…"
"Don't you understand? I… I can't let you go! I've tried… I've tried so hard Naruto…" the raven-haired boy trailed off into a whisper, his outburst draining him of his remaining energy. "I'm trying so hard…"
Naruto felt a solitary tear escape his resistance. No matter how much it seemed wrong, no matter how much it hurt at the moment… He knew he was doing the right thing – Sasuke will be happier without him… He may not know it know, but the Uchiha will probably thank him in the future…
It was hard, but he had already admitted defeat. Sakura had won.
"Marry Sakura, Sasuke… Just marry her… Don't…" his voice became choked with emotion. "Just don't make this any harder…"
The raven-haired boy smiled bitterly, as the rain continued to pour relentlessly in the background. "How, Naruto? How can I possibly make it any harder than it already is? What could possibly be harder than committing your life to someone, when someone else invades your mind and soul?"
Thick silence choked the air.
"Tell me Naruto…" Sasuke continued, his voice soft and apparent with utter distress and sorrow. "How am I supposed to give her my heart when someone else owns it? Is it fair? Is it really fair on her?"
Naruto was about to reply when a certain sound of shattering glass reached his ears. He spun around instantaneously, his breath hitching uncomfortably in his throat. His eyes travelled in the dim light from the broken glass upon the floor, to the puddle of steaming liquid, then upwards until it reached a familiar figure…
…A figure with an expression etched with heartbreaking distress, eyes widened in disbelief…
Naruto choked.
"S-Sakura?"
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End chapter 16
Ack. I didn't like this chapter much... But I like writing an angry Naruto... Seems more in character. This is a bit fillerish as well - but I wanted to emphasise the fact that both boys had pretty crap childhoods... And the fact that Sasuke won't be leaving Naruto ever again...!
And finally - if you would like to join the mailing list, please leave me a review with your email addy in it, or mail me purrfectly679hotmail.com!
Thanks for reading! Ja ne!