This story was inspired by the song "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
Standing in the Shadows
by Mallory
At Nathan's house that night, there is a big party to celebrate the beginning of the basketball season, and their first game won. Nathan isn't really expecting to have a good time, because he's tired of parties and games, and really he just wants to go to sleep. He sighs and sips some of his beer, tired and slightly annoyed, and that's when he sees her.
She stands in the corner of the room. One hand is clenched tightly around an empty can of Diet Coke; the other is shoved into the pocket of her blue jeans. She seems to forget, every so often, that the Diet Coke can is empty and brings the rim up to her lips before bringing it down again. Finally, she sets the can down on the table. She bites her lip and fiddles with her hair for a moment and then shoves her hand into her other pocket.
She looks both snobbish and shy at the same time, and completely unapproachable. He wishes that he could just go up to her, say, "Hi, I'm Nathan. I don't know who you are but if you'll tell me your name, I'll gladly break up with my girlfriend, and we can go lie on my bed and drink cokes and talk about things that have absolutely nothing to do with anything."
She closes her eyes and sways a little bit to the music, long and slow, and he can't help how his eyes are drawn to curves of her body, the way that she moves. Suddenly she opens her eyes and sees him. She stops swaying and her brown eyes lock onto his blue ones. He suddenly finds it hard to breathe. She turns away.
Nathan wants this girl, and Nathan always gets what he wants.
"Hey, man," says Lucas. He has come up from behind him. Nathan looks over at him.
"Hey."
"Do you want to meet my girlfriend, Haley?"
"All right," Nathan says.
Lucas leads him over to the girl in the corner, who nods her head slightly at him when they're introduced. He thrusts his hand forward in order to shake hers; he thinks that she probably really doesn't want to – he doesn't know whether it's because she's snobbish or because she's shy, but he knows that he really wants to touch her; and her hand is soft and warm and he holds on a little too long, but that's ok, 'cause she's holding on a little too long too.
"Lucas, I have to go," says Haley. "I've got a math quiz tomorrow that I have to study for."
"Do you want me to take you home?" asks Lucas.
Nathan puts in, "Or I could take you, if you wanted to."
Haley looks at him for a moment. "No. No, that's okay," she says. She turns to Lucas, says, "If you really don't mind…"
"Of course not, Hales." He slings his arm around her shoulder, says "Later," and they disappear out the door.
"Yeah," Nathan says. "Later."
He sees her in school on Monday, laughing and talking with Lucas, and says Hi to her in the hallway. She smiles at him. But he doesn't get an opportunity to really talk to her until a couple weeks later.
He's failing three classes, English, Algebra, and History, and Whitey tells him he has to bring his grades up or else he'll be kicked off the team. He tells Nathan that he ought to go to the tutoring center, get some help. Nathan sighs, resignedly, and says that he'll do it.
He walks into the tutoring center the next day, and she's there, looking through some papers, her long brown hair falling into her face. She doesn't notice that he's come, and he clears his throat, says, "I didn't know you tutored."
She jumps and looks up. "Yeah, I do. Do you need help with anything?"
"Try everything."
"Ok," she smiles slightly. "Sit down."
He listens to her as she explains, slowly and patiently, why x equals this. Sometimes he is distracted by the way she runs her hand through her hair or the way she runs her tongue over her lips absentmindedly. Mostly she is looking at his homework but every time she looks at him she tilts her head, and it makes him think that she's seeing just him, and he shivers.
One Friday after tutoring – it's late and dark because the days are getting shorter – he asks if he can walk her home.
Haley seems to think about it for a moment, and then she nods. "Yeah. Yeah, you can come."
He follows her out the door and down the sidewalk and he doesn't fall into step with her until they've walked two blocks; at first, he just walks behind her, and watches how she runs her hand through her hair, and how her hips swing slightly as she walks. Finally she turns around, says:
"Look, are you coming or not?"
"Yeah. Yeah." He falls into step with her. And even then, they don't talk, just walk side by side together, and Nathan wonders what would happen if he just reached out and took her hand, and he barely even hears her say, "Why did you want to walk with me?"
He starts. "I don't know. I just did."
"You're gonna have a long way to go. My house is like a mile from here, and then you have to walk back to your house. I don't understand you."
He thinks, though, maybe one day, maybe she could understand him, and that's the reason he's walking with her, but he doesn't tell her that, because it might scare her, just like looking her in the eye scared him.
"I don't understand you," she repeats. She stops and closes her eyes. He stops, too, waits for her to keep moving, and then she opens her eyes and does.
Every so often, he steals glances at her. And though he doesn't see it, doesn't realize it, every so often she's stealing glances at him, too. And she thinks, Nathan Scott, I don't understand you, but I would like to. I really want to.
They don't talk, and as much as he wishes he could say something to her, he can't find the words. But the silence is not awkward; it just is. And it's peaceful almost.
"Haley," he finally says, "Do you want to go to the movies with me tomorrow?"
Like a date.
"I don't know. Maybe."
"Oh, come on. We could throw popcorn at the screen."
She grins. "All right. But only if we can see Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The Senator is doing a revival of it."
He's never seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers and he doesn't like black and white films, but he can't help grinning, saying, "All right."
They reach her house and what Nathan really wants to do is to kiss her good night, because it seems the appropriate thing to do, but doesn't, because it would really be the most inappropriate thing to do. But he can't help reaching out, and pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. She looks at him, and touches his hand with hers, says, "I'll see you tomorrow, Nathan."
They go to see Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Nathan pays for the tickets, and Haley pays for the food. They get extra buttery popcorn because Haley likes it that way and they share a large coke, and every time he drinks from it, Nathan thinks about how her lips touched the straw first.
He likes the movie, but doesn't see much of it, because most of the time he's just looking at Haley and wondering if she would flinch if he put his hand over hers. He decides to do it, and she does start for a moment, withdraws her hand.
He shuts his eyes: Dammit, Nathan.
She glances at him, her heart pounding in her chest, and then puts her hand on top of his.
He turns slightly to look at her.
She drops his hand as soon as they get out into the light, says, "Nathan…"
He sighs, because he knows what she's about to say.
"Nathan, this isn't going anywhere. You know that, right? I love Lucas, and I just can't drop everything to… I can't risk that relationship for a couple of touches in the dark."
"Okay," he says. "Okay. I know."
She looks relieved. "Good," she says.
The following Monday they're sitting together after school in the tutoring center; she teaching him about Reconstruction. He stares at her and when she looks up and he catches her eye she blushes furiously and looks away.
He cups his hand around her cheek. She grasps it with her own hand and gently brings it down. "Look, I told you…."
He looks at their hands; her hand is still on top of his. "I know," he says. "I know." He flips his hand so that their hands are palm to palm, intertwines their fingers. "I know." He brings her hand up and kisses it with his mouth. "I know," he says.
She stares at him, yanks her hand away, and runs.
He sighs and puts his head on his hands.
He doesn't see Haley all week. She's avoiding him, and he knows it, and he knows why.
Saturday night and he's alone in the house. The doorbell rings. He thinks it's the pizza man, so he jumps up and pulls out his wallet. But when he answers the door, it's Haley, wearing a brown corduroy jacket and a nervous expression on her face. He smiles when he sees her. "Haley," he says.
"Hi," she says, and doesn't say anything more.
He waits for a moment, then says, "Do you want to come in?"
"No," she says, "No. There's just…something I have to tell you."
He leans against the door frame.
"Look, this thing…between me and you…it's wrong. I love Lucas. And you're his brother. I can't – I can't just wreck my relationship with him and your relationship with him, just because I've got some little stupid crush on you. But the thing is – the thing is – " she stops, unsure of how to go on. "The thing is that being around you makes me feel so good. I don't – I want – it feels right. It just feels so right."
He nods, and she continues. "And if it feels right, well…then it can't be wrong. I don't think. And I was thinking that…no one has to know. No one has to know, not Lucas, not anyone. We could…I don't know. Oh, screw it." She throws her arms around his neck and kisses him.
He grins at her when she pulls away, says, "What changed your mind?"
She shakes her head, doesn't answer.
Later, when they're eating pizza and there's sauce staining the corner of her mouth, he asks, "So do you want to do something tomorrow?"
"Can't," she says, swallowing. "Have to go to church."
"Where?" he asks.
"Church. You know, those big buildings with the crosses on top. Church."
"Oh, well, would you like to do something afterwards?"
"Can't. I have a date. With Lucas."
"Oh." He kisses her. "Can't you cancel it?"
"We've already been over that," she says, "I'm not sacrificing my whole relationship with Lucas just for a couple touches with you."
He kisses her again. "Oh, really?" he asks against her mouth. He snakes his arms around her and he can feel her trembling. "Oh, really?" He sucks her lower lip into his mouth, and she gives into the kiss, gives into him.
He breaks the kiss. "So," he says, "I'll see you on Monday, then."
"Yeah," she breathes. "Monday."
On Monday they go over to his house and they go upstairs and lie on his bed and look at the ceiling. They're quiet, and after a while Nathan reaches out his hand and takes hers; she strokes his palm with her thumb.
"I like you," she says after a bit. "A lot. I like you a lot."
"I like you, too," he says.
She turns over on her side in order to look at him. She touches his face with her hand, and kisses him, then lays her head on his chest and snakes her arm around his body. "I like you, a lot," she repeats.
And after that, it becomes all about when and how can they see each other. Haley won't break up with Lucas because she still loves him, and Nathan consequently decides not to break up with Peyton, so most of their time spent together is sneaking around. The parking lot during lunch, the gym during break, and of course, there's always the tutoring center after school.
Sometimes, fleetingly, he feels that they are getting too close, and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to be close to her. They're together all the time and sometimes he just wants to thrust her away, because he can't deal with it. Can't deal with being in such a serious relationship. There are times when he feels that he could get used to it, learn to love her, and there are times, many times – most of the time – when he knows he can't, and part of him says get out before you break her heart. Because boys like Nathan, that's what they do – they break girls' hearts, and they never look back.
Basketball season ends, and spring comes along with Haley's eighteenth birthday. He's invited to her party and she laughingly distributes party hats to everyone, and they all wear them like they're third graders. Later Nathan takes Haley out for dinner at some swanky restaurant and gives her a silver bracelet and she kisses him and says thank you, thank you.
She still hasn't told Lucas. Sometimes he asks her about it and she always answers vaguely, but mostly he doesn't push the subject, because mostly he doesn't care. As long as they're together, it really doesn't matter if anyone knows about them or not.
Nathan makes a slight effort by asking her to prom.
"No," she says, "Lucas, remember?"
"Oh. Just thought I'd ask."
Prom.
Lucas, Haley, Nathan, and Peyton share a limo. Haley looks wonderful in her rose colored dress, and Nathan says a much. Haley grins at him, says, "You're not so bad yourself."
They dance with each other a couple of times and the last time he takes her hand and leads her out into the entrance hallway, brings her close and kisses her deeply and for a long time.
They hear something, but are too distracted to pay any attention to it. The door to the hallway finally opens, someone is saying, "Haley?" and then there are two gasps. Nathan and Haley break apart and then jump even farther apart when they realize that it's Lucas and Peyton who have found them.
"Lucas," Haley says in horror.
Lucas immediately walks out of the room and Haley rushes after him.
Peyton says, passively, "I always figured you'd cheat on me, Nathan. I just didn't know when." She then, too, makes her exit.
Haley runs after Lucas. "Lucas…Lucas, I'm sorry!"
He stops and turns to face her. "Yeah. Yeah, I bet you are."
"Lucas…you have to believe I never meant to hurt you…It was just…something that happened. I couldn't stop it!" He turns and starts walking away again. "Lucas!" she yells, but he doesn't stop or turn this time. "Lucas!"
Nathan comes up from behind her, and she collapses in his arms.
And there's something in the way she collapses in his arms that he doesn't like; he wants to push her away again. Nathan always gets what he wants, but now that he's finally got her –now that she's broken up with Lucas and they're free to be together – he's not so sure whether he wants her anymore.
They're lying on her bed the night after Prom, the night after Lucas found out that they're together. He has his arm wrapped around her and her nose is buried into his shirt.
And then she says it. She whispers into his shirt, "I love you. Last night...was terrible...but I realized something. When Lucas walked away from me...I realized that I didn't care. And that's because...That's because I love you."
Boys like Nathan can't change. He thought he had, thought he might. He almost wanted to, almost did, for her. But boys like Nathan can't change. He can't make himself love her, anymore than he could make himself love Peyton or Brooke or Teresa or any of the many girls he has been with.
Nathan just wants to be free.
And when she says, in that quiet whisper, "I love you," all he wants to do is run.
And that's what he does.
"I'm sorry," he says, turns on his heel and runs, out of the house, down to his car, and drives away.
And he doesn't stop driving.
It's eight o'clock the next morning that he finally pulls over to the side of the road, stops the car, puts his head on the steering wheel, and begins to cry.