Chapter 1: Sturm's master plan to take over Macro Land
In a tower, deep in the heart of Black Hole, lived someone almost, but not quite as evil as Stoned Hawke. His name was feared by all except Computer l33t g33ks, who ph34red him. He was thinking of an evil way to take over Macro Land. Because he, too, was evil. And he was Sturm. He decided to authorize his evilness, so he called for his trustworthy servant, Hawke. Hawke was such a good servant, Sturm thought. He was a bit clumsy with sharp objects though, constantly tripping over and nearly stabbing Sturm with them. He's such a butterfingers, he thought. "HAWKE!!! GET YOUR ASS HERE NOW!!!"
Hawke slouched through. "By your command, my lord Sturm."
Sturm turned around in an over-dramatic way, and fell over. After getting himself up, he looked menacingly at Hawke, a hard thing to do as Hawke was so emotionless, and looked like he'd kill your grandmother just because he could. Hawke was currently fingering a knife, whistling innocently. "Hawke! Using my brilliant intellect, I have devised a plan that will make all of Macro Land under our control!"
Hawke sighed. "What is it this time?"
Sturm grinned. "Well, the reason we keep losing is, despite my incredible planning and spreading my forces as far as possible, is because everyone else is cheating. Ergo, I got Lash to build us something so amazing! So POWERFUL!!! That even the gods themselves will tremble!"
"I'm atheist."
"Oh...then even the COFFEE MACHINES SHALL TREMBLE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Hawke stared. Sturm usually over-reacted, but never this badly. Maybe he's actually done something competent. "And what is this invention, oh great Sturm?"
Sturm looked dramatically at the camera and said, "This device is called...THE GAMESHARK!!!"
Thunder rolled overhead, a wolf howled, and Hawke blinked. "Huh? Isn't that the thing you used on Fire Emblem because it was too difficult?"
Sturm nodded. "Yeah, but Lash tweaked it. Watch!" He yelled an infantry through and took a small plastic thing out of his cloak. He attached it to the back of the infantry's head, before taking out a complex keypad, and started typing in a code. When he had finished, the infantry stopped what it was doing (which is good, as it was currently picking it's nose), before jerking violently, transforming from an infantry to a Neotank. The whole process took less than three seconds. Hawke gaped openly, and Sturm grinned. "That's not all. Watch this!" before tapping out another odd rhythm on the keypad, before whistling. Another Neotank came into the room and attacked the Neo-formally-known-as-Infantry. Nothing happened, and in return, the Neo that attacked was annihilated.
"This, Hawke, is that new weapon. And stop fingering that knife, you could get hurt!"
As Sturm walked out, Hawke muttered under his breath "Not me I was wanting to hurt."
- - - - -
Outside Stoned Hawke's evil castle, three REALLY evil people lurked. One was Lord Voldemort, or as he friends called him, Tom. Another was Saruman, known to his friends as Saru (he didn't have much imagination at making nicknames). The final one was one of those Spectres from the His Dark Materials trilogy, who was currently draining the life out of one of Tom's slaves. Tom was currently looking evilly at a lamp-post, while Saruman was commanding his Uruk Hai to get him a cheese burger from McDonalds.
"So, why are we here again, Tom?" Saru asked.
Tom looked at him in an evil way, and replied "Because we can, Saru. Because we can."
"BNAAR!!!" the Spectre pondered aloud. He was often considered the most intelligent of the three, mainly because you couldn't understand what he said half the time. It was mostly BNAAR or NYARF, with the occasional RAISINS, in which Tom and Saru backed away, as that meant he was hungry for life.
"Yes, Spectre. That also."
"My name's Alexander," the Spectre snapped.
"Huh?" They were both taken aback by this remark, as Spectre never spoke humanly, unless he wanted to, or was really annoyed.
"My name's Alexander, assholes."
"We never knew that!"
"Well, you never took the time to find out! You just thought I was odd and couldn't string even one syllable together, didn't you. Well, actually, I have a Masters degree in Law, Medicine, Accountancy, Teaching, and Music. I have a wife and three kids, and it's actually time for my dinner. So good day to you all!" And off he went.
The two just stared. "What did he say?" Saru asked.
"I dunno," Tom replied. "Maybe he likes Ferraris"
- - - - -
In the Alara mountain range, something evil stirred as it finished the transportation spell. He grinned as the man he wanted appeared in front of him, staring vacantly. Good, he thought. He's obviously a zombie or a stoner. And sure enough, the first words out of the man's mouth were, "Woah, did I overdose again!? MAN!!!"
The evil thing scuttled out of its place and said simply "No. I have summoned you here."
Stoned Sturm looked at the thing, and asked "Who are you?"
The thing grinned. "I am...THE EVIL CRAB VADER!!! YES, THAT'S RIGHT!!! YOUR LIVES ARE FORFEIT AGAINST MY AWESOME POWER!!! PRAY FOR MERCY NOW!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"Who?"
Crab Vader stared. "Don't...don't you know who I am?"
"Are you Jeff Vader?"
"NO!!! I'm CRAB VADER!!!"
"Are you Jeff's brother? Could you get me his autograph?"
"NO!!! Oh fine, I'm Jeff Vader!"
"WOW!!! Can I get your autograph?"
Crab Vader sighed, before continuing. "No, you can't. I summoned you here for a special task that only you can do."
"WHEE!!! What is it?"
"You must kill...THE AUTHOR!!!"
More thunder crackled overhead. In a bizarre coincidence, it hit Eggman, who was eating more bunnies. The thunder blast killed him outright. All the people of the Sonic Republic lived happily ever after, until Eggman hit the floor, his weight causing the country to sink below the sea. Now, I expect you to remember this, as it's an important part of the story.
Stoned Sturm, meanwhile, shook his head. "What has he done now?"
Crab Vader replied by muttering under his breath "Stupid author, thinks he can put me in a fic with this stoner! Oh well, I WILL DESTROY HIM!!!"
"Um...why don't you sue him like normal people would? But I guess that would be too simple!"
"DAMN RIGHT, IT WOULD BE TOO SIMPLE!!!. NOW GO!!! Or I'll set Adder on you!"
Stoned Sturm didn't need to be told twice after that last sentence. He was already running as fast as he could out the door of the cave.
Crab Vader grinned manically, before pressing a button. Instantly, the cave transformed from something not even a blind rat would venture into, to a swinging bachelor pad that anyone would die to live in.
"Life is good," he said to no one in particular.
- - - - -
So, there's Chapter the first! Please rate and review!
Thanks VictoryMarch for the ONLY review I got. Yeah, Gandalf set me up to it. Sorry bout that. XD
In a tower, deep in the heart of Black Hole, lived someone almost, but not quite as evil as Stoned Hawke. His name was feared by all except Computer l33t g33ks, who ph34red him. He was thinking of an evil way to take over Macro Land. Because he, too, was evil. And he was Sturm. He decided to authorize his evilness, so he called for his trustworthy servant, Hawke. Hawke was such a good servant, Sturm thought. He was a bit clumsy with sharp objects though, constantly tripping over and nearly stabbing Sturm with them. He's such a butterfingers, he thought. "HAWKE!!! GET YOUR ASS HERE NOW!!!"
Hawke slouched through. "By your command, my lord Sturm."
Sturm turned around in an over-dramatic way, and fell over. After getting himself up, he looked menacingly at Hawke, a hard thing to do as Hawke was so emotionless, and looked like he'd kill your grandmother just because he could. Hawke was currently fingering a knife, whistling innocently. "Hawke! Using my brilliant intellect, I have devised a plan that will make all of Macro Land under our control!"
Hawke sighed. "What is it this time?"
Sturm grinned. "Well, the reason we keep losing is, despite my incredible planning and spreading my forces as far as possible, is because everyone else is cheating. Ergo, I got Lash to build us something so amazing! So POWERFUL!!! That even the gods themselves will tremble!"
"I'm atheist."
"Oh...then even the COFFEE MACHINES SHALL TREMBLE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Hawke stared. Sturm usually over-reacted, but never this badly. Maybe he's actually done something competent. "And what is this invention, oh great Sturm?"
Sturm looked dramatically at the camera and said, "This device is called...THE GAMESHARK!!!"
Thunder rolled overhead, a wolf howled, and Hawke blinked. "Huh? Isn't that the thing you used on Fire Emblem because it was too difficult?"
Sturm nodded. "Yeah, but Lash tweaked it. Watch!" He yelled an infantry through and took a small plastic thing out of his cloak. He attached it to the back of the infantry's head, before taking out a complex keypad, and started typing in a code. When he had finished, the infantry stopped what it was doing (which is good, as it was currently picking it's nose), before jerking violently, transforming from an infantry to a Neotank. The whole process took less than three seconds. Hawke gaped openly, and Sturm grinned. "That's not all. Watch this!" before tapping out another odd rhythm on the keypad, before whistling. Another Neotank came into the room and attacked the Neo-formally-known-as-Infantry. Nothing happened, and in return, the Neo that attacked was annihilated.
"This, Hawke, is that new weapon. And stop fingering that knife, you could get hurt!"
As Sturm walked out, Hawke muttered under his breath "Not me I was wanting to hurt."
- - - - -
Outside Stoned Hawke's evil castle, three REALLY evil people lurked. One was Lord Voldemort, or as he friends called him, Tom. Another was Saruman, known to his friends as Saru (he didn't have much imagination at making nicknames). The final one was one of those Spectres from the His Dark Materials trilogy, who was currently draining the life out of one of Tom's slaves. Tom was currently looking evilly at a lamp-post, while Saruman was commanding his Uruk Hai to get him a cheese burger from McDonalds.
"So, why are we here again, Tom?" Saru asked.
Tom looked at him in an evil way, and replied "Because we can, Saru. Because we can."
"BNAAR!!!" the Spectre pondered aloud. He was often considered the most intelligent of the three, mainly because you couldn't understand what he said half the time. It was mostly BNAAR or NYARF, with the occasional RAISINS, in which Tom and Saru backed away, as that meant he was hungry for life.
"Yes, Spectre. That also."
"My name's Alexander," the Spectre snapped.
"Huh?" They were both taken aback by this remark, as Spectre never spoke humanly, unless he wanted to, or was really annoyed.
"My name's Alexander, assholes."
"We never knew that!"
"Well, you never took the time to find out! You just thought I was odd and couldn't string even one syllable together, didn't you. Well, actually, I have a Masters degree in Law, Medicine, Accountancy, Teaching, and Music. I have a wife and three kids, and it's actually time for my dinner. So good day to you all!" And off he went.
The two just stared. "What did he say?" Saru asked.
"I dunno," Tom replied. "Maybe he likes Ferraris"
- - - - -
In the Alara mountain range, something evil stirred as it finished the transportation spell. He grinned as the man he wanted appeared in front of him, staring vacantly. Good, he thought. He's obviously a zombie or a stoner. And sure enough, the first words out of the man's mouth were, "Woah, did I overdose again!? MAN!!!"
The evil thing scuttled out of its place and said simply "No. I have summoned you here."
Stoned Sturm looked at the thing, and asked "Who are you?"
The thing grinned. "I am...THE EVIL CRAB VADER!!! YES, THAT'S RIGHT!!! YOUR LIVES ARE FORFEIT AGAINST MY AWESOME POWER!!! PRAY FOR MERCY NOW!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"Who?"
Crab Vader stared. "Don't...don't you know who I am?"
"Are you Jeff Vader?"
"NO!!! I'm CRAB VADER!!!"
"Are you Jeff's brother? Could you get me his autograph?"
"NO!!! Oh fine, I'm Jeff Vader!"
"WOW!!! Can I get your autograph?"
Crab Vader sighed, before continuing. "No, you can't. I summoned you here for a special task that only you can do."
"WHEE!!! What is it?"
"You must kill...THE AUTHOR!!!"
More thunder crackled overhead. In a bizarre coincidence, it hit Eggman, who was eating more bunnies. The thunder blast killed him outright. All the people of the Sonic Republic lived happily ever after, until Eggman hit the floor, his weight causing the country to sink below the sea. Now, I expect you to remember this, as it's an important part of the story.
Stoned Sturm, meanwhile, shook his head. "What has he done now?"
Crab Vader replied by muttering under his breath "Stupid author, thinks he can put me in a fic with this stoner! Oh well, I WILL DESTROY HIM!!!"
"Um...why don't you sue him like normal people would? But I guess that would be too simple!"
"DAMN RIGHT, IT WOULD BE TOO SIMPLE!!!. NOW GO!!! Or I'll set Adder on you!"
Stoned Sturm didn't need to be told twice after that last sentence. He was already running as fast as he could out the door of the cave.
Crab Vader grinned manically, before pressing a button. Instantly, the cave transformed from something not even a blind rat would venture into, to a swinging bachelor pad that anyone would die to live in.
"Life is good," he said to no one in particular.
- - - - -
So, there's Chapter the first! Please rate and review!
Thanks VictoryMarch for the ONLY review I got. Yeah, Gandalf set me up to it. Sorry bout that. XD