Malfoy was waiting for his guests to arrive. He gave Snape and Wormtail their final briefing. They entered Wormtail's room.
"Right – now, let's make sure you've got this. We are having two parties here tonight, and they must be kept completely separate. Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer-throwing and wall-to-wall vomiting, to be held here in Wormtail's room," Malfoy instructed the pair.
"Thank you very much, Master," Wormtail beamed.
Malfoy headed out off the room and into the dining room across the hall.
"And secondly, Snape will join me in here for the gourmet turnip evening. Is the turnip surprise ready?" Malfoy asked.
"Yes, Master," Wormtail replied before he and Snape started to giggle sheepishly.
"Then what's so funny?" Malfoy asked puzzled.
"Well, Master, when Wormtail and I were preparing the turnip surprise, we had a surprise, for we came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape … as … a … thingy," Snape said.
He and Wormtail burst out giggling hysterically. Malfoy was not convinced.
"A thingy," Malfoy hissed.
"Yes. A great big thingy. It was terrific," Wormtail said between snorts.
"Size is no guarantee of quality, Wormtail. Most horses are very well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item?" Malfoy said agitated.
"Oh, yes, Master," Wormtail replied.
"Good. Because there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance then a thingy-shaped turnip," Malfoy hissed.
"Oh absolutely, Lucius, but it was jolly funny," Snape said before they started to giggle again.
"I found it particularly ironic, master, because I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip," Wormtail said.
"Yes, all ri…," Malfoy said.
"I'm a big hit at parties," Wormtail continued ignoring Malfoy.
"Are you?" Malfoy sighed.
"Yes, I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children," Wormtail said.
"What fun. Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having a drinking competition here tonight with Fudge and 10 000 Galleons are at stake," Malfoy sneered.
"Oh dear," Wormtail said, suddenly serious again.
"What do you mean?" Malfoy asked suspiciously.
"Well, firstly you haven't got 10 000 Galleons and thirdly, one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and start singing that song about the goblins," Wormtail said.
"That's nonsense… But just in case it's true…," Malfoy said.
"It is true, actually," Wormtail said to Snape.
"Yes, all right, it's true, it's true. So the plan is, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Have you got that?" Malfoy said. He was beginning to lose his temper.
"Yes, when you call for ale, I pass water," Wormtail repeated.
"Good. And Severus, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt," Malfoy said.
"I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman," Snape said.
"Oh Merlin," Malfoy sighed.
There was a knock on the door. Malfoy rushed into the corridor. Snape positioned himself at the entrance to the dining room. Malfoy opened the front door.
"Uncle, Aunt, greetings! How nice it is to see you," Malfoy cheered.
He bent over to kiss his aunt on each cheek. She suddenly slapped Malfoy firmly on both cheeks.
"Wicked child, don't lie. Everyone fears us and you know it," Lady Beaufoy roared.
"May I introduce my friend, Professor Severus Snape," Malfoy said.
"Well, well, well, Lucius, you didn't tell me you had such a good-looking aunt. Good-morrow to thee, gorgeousness. I know what I like and I like what I see," Snape said in an attempt to please Lady Beaufoy.
"Be gone, Mudblood!" Lady Beaufoy roared before she slapped Snape in the face as well.
Malfoy guided them into the dining room where a very exquisite dining table was set up.
"Yes, well. Well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say 'inheritance? I meant journey. If you'd just like to help yourself to a legacy, uhm, a chair…" Malfoy said obviously uncomfortable now.
"Chair? You have chairs in your house?" Lady Beaufoy roared aghast.
"Oh… yes," Malfoy said.
"Wicked child! Chairs are for Muggles! In our house Lexius and I sit on thrones," Lady Beaufoy said as she slapped Malfoy in the face again.
"I will suffer this indignity this once. I trust you remember we eat no meat?" Lady Beaufoy asked.
"No, here we feast only on Voldemort's lovely created turnip, mashed," Malfoy said.
"Mashed?! Wicked child," Lady Beaufoy roared as she stood up and slapped Malfoy in the face once more. "Mashing is the work of lazy Muggles! I shall have my turnip as Voldemort intended."
"Fine. Wormtail!" Malfoy yelled.
"Master," Wormtail said as he came in the room and bowed deeply.
"Would you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please?" Malfoy said.
"But we've only got the one…" Wormtail objected.
"Just do it. Thank you," Malfoy interrupted him.
Wormtail bowed again and left the room. An awkward silence fell in the room. It was suddenly interrupted by very loud knocking on the door.
"Lucius, I trust you have invited no other guests," Lady Beaufoy said, throwing a vicious look in his direction.
"Certainly not," Malfoy lied.
The knocking continued. Malfoy rose up.
"I'll just tell them to disapparate. Professor Snape will look after you," Malfoy said before he swept out off the room.