Celeborn's Club
by Erestor
Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to Lord of the Rings.
Breaking News: Prince Legolas's Wedding Meets with Unexpected Setbacks!
CHAPTER FIVE"He didn't ask for my permission! He didn't write! He never even mentioned that there was a girl in his life!" Thranduil ranted, pacing up and down the hallway.
"What are we going to do tomorrow? How are we going to marry Thranduil off? Can we?" asked Celeborn.
"I'm not getting married in my son's place!" stormed Thranduil. "That was not part of the bargain!"
"Perhaps you'd better sit down," suggested Erestor. Thranduil did so. He looked a bit dazed.
"Anyway," pointed out Elrohir, "he's already married. It would be unethical to turn him into a bigamist."
Thranduil looked mildly pleased to know that there was someone else on his side.
"It's really very simple," said Elladan. "As Legolas, he can cancel his own wedding. It would be difficult if he was Thranduil, but it's perfectly reasonable for Legolas to break off the engagement."
"True," said Celeborn. He sighed. He had thought it would be fun to play matchmaker to an unwilling king.
"Here comes the bride," said Glorfindel, who had been watching by the door.
A girl strode into the room. She was wearing a long blue gown that complimented her dreamy eyes. Her blonde hair was piled high on her head. She looked tough. She looked, in Thranduil's humble opinion, evil. She also looked familiar.
"Mariel Suewen?" he asked.
"Legolas, darling!" she cried, flinging herself into his lap. "Who are all these handsome Elves?"
"We're friends of his," said Celeborn blandly. "We're leaving now."
The six Elves sauntered out of the room, leaving Thranduil to his fate.
"I've planned the wedding beautifully, smoochy-pooh!" said Mariel, twirling Thranduil's hair around her finger. Her face was very close to his own. "There's the sweetest little wedding coordinator in Lothlorien, and he's promised to give us a really cute Lothlorien wedding!"
Thranduil, thinking of Celeborn, knew for a fact that he hated all things Lothlorien. He just smiled distantly, trying to get his act together. This girl was deadly! No wonder Legolas was going to marry her.
"Orophin!" yelled Mariel over her shoulder. "Come in here and meet my fiancé!"
Thranduil gulped. Any Elf planning his son's wedding was The Enemy.
Orophin slipped into the room. He had a clipboard. He also had a cheesy grin. He grinned cheesily at Thranduil. Thranduil wanted to wring his neck.
"I'm your wedding coordinator!" said Orophin brightly. "I've heard lots about you, Prince Legolas."
Mariel smiled at Orophin and batted her eyelashes.
"Mariel told me about the time you put worms in your father's spaghetti and he didn't even notice!" cried Orophin. He giggled, obviously delighted by the hilarious tale. Thranduil almost barfed at the thought. Legolas was dead."We should get down to business," said Orophin. He sat down on the chair opposite to the one Thranduil and Mariel were sharing. "How many people do you want to come to this wedding?"
Mariel frowned thoughtfully. "Hundreds," she said finally.
"Can't we have a small wedding?" asked Thranduil desperately. 'NO!' he thought. 'She's getting to me already! I really will end up marrying her! What a fate!'
"A small wedding?" Mariel hardly knew the meaning of the word. Nothing in her perfect life was small. She thought big!
Orophin smiled cheesily. 'How sweet,' he thought to himself. 'They're arguing already.'
"Maybe we shouldn't get married," suggested Thranduil. Mariel looked at him with dangerously narrowed eyes. "Maybe we shouldn't get married yet," Thranduil improvised.
Mariel snuggled closer. "But Legolas darling," she said, "I thought we wanted a big wedding. You said that you wanted to invite half the population of Middle-Earth."
"With the exception of your father," said Orophin, snickering again.
Legolas's new life expectancy: thirty seconds.
"I can't marry you," said Thranduil. "I've rethought my life and now I realize that I'm not ready for this kind of commitment."
That sounded good. It sounded noble and uncompromising. Thranduil smiled to himself.
"What?" asked Mariel. "But I have to marry you! I want to be rich and famous. . .like. . .you. . . ." Her voice died away. Mariel had made a mistake.
"I have a great idea!" said Thranduil, jumping out of the chair and plopping Mariel firmly on Orophin's lap. "Why don't you marry the wedding coordinator?"
Mariel stared into Orophin's big blue eyes. Orophin stared back at Mariel.
Thranduil stood very still, thinking, "I believe in love at first sight. I believe in love at first sight. I believe in love at first sight."
Then Thranduil realized with horror that this wasn't their first sight anyway. He changed his wish. "I believe that Mariel can fall in love with a jerk like Orophin. I believe that Mariel can fall in love with a jerk like Orophin."
It was true anyway. Mariel had fallen for Legolas. That meant that she didn't mind jerks.
"Will you marry me, Mariel?" asked Orophin.
"Yes," whispered Mariel dramatically.
Thranduil jumped for joy and dashed out the door. He was going to get Legolas now.
Unfortunately for the Lord of Lothlorien, Thranduil bumped into Celeborn first.
Celeborn. The Elf who had made him pretend to be Legolas. The Elf who had tried to marry him off. The Elf who had laughed in his hour of need. The Elf who ruled people like Orophin and encouraged the art of coordinating weddings.
"So?" asked Celeborn smarmily. "Can I be the best-Elf?"
"I hate you!" yelled Thranduil. "Why do you make me suffer?"
Celeborn grinned. "It's fun making you suffer," he explained.
"I'm going to get you," said Thranduil, his voice suddenly soft and dangerous.
"You're going to try," Celeborn taunted. He knew no fear.
Thranduil leapt on Celeborn with a bloodcurdling war-cry.
TBC