The Marauders Star In: Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Moony
JK's characters, but it's my plot.
Characters
Sirius Black – Goldilocks
James Potter – Bear 1
Remus Lupin – Bear 2 Peter Pettigrew – Bear 3
Special Guest Star: Lily Evans – Goldilocks' Mother
Curtain opensSirius: Here is another play by us! The Marauder Drama Club!
James: I don't like drama.
Sirius: But you like messed up plays.
James: Yup!
Sirius: But doing a club of acting is like a drama club.
James: Not.
Sirius: Yes it is!
James: No it isn't!
Sirius: Is too!
James: I don't like drama!
Sirius: Too bad!
Peter: Can you get on with your line James?
James: I don't like drama!
Audience: glares
James: Ok, ok fine. Ouch! This porridge is too hot! Why don't we go for a walk until it cools off?
Sirius: I don't get this! Why can't they just use their wands and cool it? Why must they take a walk?
Remus: It's my line Sirius, not yours. And erm – I think that's a great idea! And the walk will make us very hungry and we will eat it right away!
Peter: Yes that is wonderful! Let us go now!
Peter, Remus, James: Leave house and do not lock it.
James: Dang those bears are stupid they forget to lock the door!
Peter: Actually, I don't think their paws can even hold a key!
Remus: They're just supposed to forget.
James: Who forgets to lock a door? I mean, think of all the Galleons they could have lost! It's a good thing they live in the woods.
Peter: I forget to lock the door once in a while, my mum yells at me.
James: You're stupid.
Remus: No he's not! It's just a memory problem!
James: You mean someone put a memory charm on you so you could forget to lock the door and then they could steal your money?
Peter: ...
James: You know... that's a good idea! I should try that sometime!
Lily: Are you gonna say your lines or stand here talking all day? We have an audience watching this you gits!
James: Oh right Evans... we don't have a line though, we just walk away.
Lily: Then walk away!!!
James, Remus, Peter: walk away
Sirius: How come I have to be Goldilocks? I don't want to have golden curls! Why can't I keep MY beautiful black hair?
Lily: Do you really think I want to be YOUR mother?
Sirius: No, but I don't want you to be my mother either. You would make my life miserable. Not that it already is miserable... but still...
Lily: Oh god Sirius, do you ever shut up?
Sirius: No.
Lily: Then we're never gonna get on with this play!
Sirius: Fine with me!
Lily: I'm not going to continue this argument. Goldilocks, I am going out for a little bit to buy some er – what the heck is that word?
Sirus: peers at the script... It's bread Lily. Honestly, it wasn't THAT smudged.
Lily: Shut up. I am going out for a little bit to buy some bread. Stay in the house now and don 't venture far off in the woods.
Sirius: Aww... don't worry I won't! NOT! I'm a Marauder Lil- I mean MOM... you really think I'm not going to venture?
Audience: glares
Sirius: Sheesh. Says all his Goldilocks lines in a very exaggerated girly voice... Ok Mommy I won't! I'll be a good little Goldilocks and stay in the house.
Lily: I think that was too exaggerated.
Sirius: You're supposed to be gone by now.
Lily: I was just –
Sirius: GO AWAY!
Lily: Fine! Sheesh! Goes backstage.
Sirius: Now I'm going to do what Mommy told me not to do and go in the forest.
Scenery changes into a dark eerie forest...
Sirius: Man, who designed this scenery! It looks like the Forbidden Forest - I mean, not that I snuck there, I SWEAR for Gods sakes. I only went there because – I mean...
McGonagall: Raises eyebrows
James: Shut up Sirius! Sirius: I mean – Such a lovely forest. Look at the beautiful birds and the pretty flowers! And – LOOK! There's a nice little cottage over there! I'm going in it and having a look! – That's stupid. Honestly. I mean, why would someone just burst into a house to 'have a look'. There could be a murderer in there! Or a Death Eater! Or maybe Lord Voldemort himself! This proves that Goldilocks is a dunderhead.
Peter: Well she does have blonde hair, so I guess she's a dumb blonde.
Remus: She's not a blonde... she has golden hair. She's a goldie.
Sirius: A Goldilocks.
James: Get on with the show!
Sirius: Fine – Wow! Porridge! I sure am hungry! I'll just eat some – that's honestly stupid too. I mean, what if it's POISONED? What if Lord Voldemort left it to kill an innocent person. I wouldn't just go tasting it!
Remus: Stop being a wise guy and just say your lines!
Sirius: But it's true! – tastes first porridge... OUCH! This one just burned a hole through my tongue! It had ACID in it!
Audience: stare
Sirius: tastes next porridge... GOD! This one is ICE! How can James have said that it as too hot? I think his taste buds have died.
James: My taste buds did not die! It was part of the script!
Sirius: Suuure... tastes next porridge... and wow this porridge tastes like it has poison in it! Keels over and pretends to die...
Remus: SIRIUS!
Sirius: Gets up... I am a living monster from the dead... I have come to HAUNT WIZARDS ALIKE IN HOGWARTS!!!!
Audience: Scream dully
Sirius: Ok, ok, fine. This one tastes JUST RIGHT!Which I highly doubt by the way... Eats all porridge... walks into living room... AHH! Nice chairs, and I want to sit down! I'm soooooooooooo tired. Sits down in biggest chair... This chair is too hard! Gawd, how can the chair be too hard? I mean, this is a squishy velvet ARMCHAIR for Pete's sake!
James: You know I don't get it either.
Sirius: Like I said, Goldilocks is a dunderhead.
Remus: It's just a stupid fairy tale!
Sirius: You're right, it is a stupid fairy tale. The stupidest one I've ever heard. It's stupider than the first play we did, the Three Little Pigs.
Peter: Actually, I think the Three Little Pigs was stupider.
Sirius: Yea, you had a lip hair.
Peter: No I didn't!
Sirius: Did too!
Peter: Did not!
Sirius: Did too!
Peter: Did not!
Sirius: You still have it! See!
Peter: That isn't a lip hair!
Sirius: Then what is it?
Peter: It's a cold sore.
Sirius: How can a hair be growing on a sore?
Peter: There is no hair!
Sirius: Yes there is!
Peter: No there isn't!
Lily: I know my part is over, but can you guys PLEASE get over the stupid lip hair?
Peter: I DON'T HAVE A LIP HAIR!
Sirius: Yes you do!
Remus: SAY YOUR LINE!
Sirius: Fine! Sits in next chair... Gawd! This one's too SOFT! How can ANY chair be too soft? I mean, the softer the better! A chair can NEVER get too soft! Goldilocks is picky as well as stupid... why couldn't I have gotten a better part?
Remus: At least you didn't have to play the Big Bad Wolf over and over!
Sirius: That was only twice.
Remus: whines... I don't like being the Big Bad Wolf!
Sirius: Stop being a whiny baby.
Remus: I'm not whining!
Sirius: Yes you are.
Remus: Oh for Pete's sake Sirius hurry up and get along with the play!
Sirius: Fine whiny baby... sits in last year... ahh... this chair is just right – not. How can this teeny rocking hair be just right? I mean, it's hard wood... THIS one is the hardest... how can that squishy armchair be the hardest? Chair breaks... DANG! It crashed too early!
Audience: Stare
Sirius: I mean – OH NO!! Runs upstairs to bedroom...Oh I'm tired... I need to sleep, and look beds!! I'll just take a nap in one of them! How thick does Goldi get? I mean, you don't just SLEEP in a bed, it could have a bomb in it!!!
Remus: Can you stop playing your wise guy role?
Sirius: I'm not even a wise guy compared to the stupidity of this girl!
Remus: It's just a story Sirius.
Sirius: Even so, it's a badly written story. Who wrote it anyway?
Remus: I dunno...
Sirius: Well I'm going to rewrite and send it to whoever wrote it.
James: Whoever wrote it is DEAD Sirius.
Sirius: Even so...
Peter: Can you stop making interruptions and just get this play over already?
Sirius: Why is everyone nagging me so? Lays down in first bed... This bed is too big – how can a bed be too big? I don't get it! The bigger the better, I always say. Lays down in next bed... This bed is too small! Wait a second, how can the Mother Bear's bed be too small, but the kid bear's bed is just right? Is the kid taller than the Mom? This doesn't make sense!
Peter: The kid might be a college student.
Sirius: His rocking chair is TINY.
Peter: Even so...
Sirius: Lays down in last bed... Ahh... but this bed is just right! No it's not!!! ARGH! THERE'S- A BOMB! Takes wand out from under his back and whispers... REDUCTO! Bed shatters.
James: SIRIUS! That cost a fortune to buy!
Sirius: So? Someone's gotta teach this Goldidunderhead a lesson...
James: You're paying!
Sirius: Why?
James: 'Cuz I spent a LOT of Galleons and time to look for a bed that's 'just right' for you!!!
Sirius: So? Least it's not my money!
James: You still owe me like... 50 galleons!
Sirius: No I don't!
James: Yea you do!
Sirius: Since when did I owe you 50 galleons?
James: Since I we betted over whether I could get Lily to go on a date with me! That was 10 galleons!!!
Lily: JAMES POTTER! DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU ASKED ME OUT BECAUSE OF A STUPID BET???
James: Oops... NO! Of course not! I wanted to ask you out and Sirius betted that I couldn't do it and...
Lily: Well you can be sure I won't go with you EVER AGAIN! Huffs off stage...
James: Dang it!
Sirius: That's still only 10 galleons!!
James: Then we bet whether Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw was gonna win, and I betted on Ravenclaw – and that was 20 galleons.
Sirius: I GAVE you that already?
James: No you didn't! Rumages in pocket and pulls out piece of parchment... AHA! This is what you had to sign saying that you already gave it to me for my records!
Sirius: What if I forgot to sign that?
James: Well you still owe me 20 galleons for saying you could play that Muggle sport... what was it called? Something like ballbase or whatever.
Sirius: But I played that and scored!
James: It was a fake score. Even Lily said so!
Sirius: Lily wasn't watching!
James: Yes she was!
Sirius: No she wasn't!
James: Yes she was! Besides, you owe me 150 galleons now!
Sirius: That bed DID NOT cost 100 galleons!
James: Yes it did!
Sirius: How can a bed like that cost 100 galleons?
Remus: Can you guys PLEASE STOP BABBLING OVER SOME GOLD YOU FORGOT TO GIVE SO WE CAN SAY OUR LINES?
James: Oh right... lines... erm... oh yeah! Now, our porridge should be nice and warm, and we should be able to eat it!
Peter: Hooray!
Remus: Yes, I'd like a bit of porridge.
Sirius: No you wouldn't, your porridge had acid in it and it burned a hole through my tongue.
Remus: There was no acid in it for Pete's sake Sirius, and there is no hole in your tongue.
Peter: gasps... Momma! Someone ate my porridge!
James: What? Well too bad for you. I'm not making anymore Peter. Go find Sirius and make him brew some porridge. I'm not wastin' my time on you.
Peter: I don't think that was in the script.
James: Really? Was it not? Who cares, it's your fault for being the 3rd bear you don't got any porridge.
Remus: It's my line after Peter's James...
James: Oh fine.
Remus: What? Who could have eaten your porridge. Let's see if the burglar stole anything else...
James: I'm sure he did, knowing Sirius.
Sirius: HEY!
James: You stole my underwear once!
Sirius: I needed it! The house elves were taking mine!
James: Why didn't you buy your own?
Sirius: No place sells bludger-patterned boxers any more!
James: Oh gawd shut up.
Peter: gasps... My chair is broken!
James: pats Peter on the head...well, you should've seen it coming, knowing Sirius.
Remus: We must check everywhere else and find the culprit! They will have to pay for the chair.
James: And the bed...
Remus: We haven't even GOTTEN to the bed yet!
James: But he smashed it!
Remus: This is a play and we gotta go according to the script!
James: Not when it's a Marauder play!
Remus: I'm not even gonna argue.
Peter: gasps again... Daddy! There's someone sleeping in my bed!
James: I'm not your Daddy, and your BED is smashed...
Remus: This is a PLAY James, you are acting as the Father Bear and we've got to pretend that the bed is not smashed.
James: I don't want to be the father of Peter!
Sirius: I was the son of Lily!
James: That's better than being father of Peter!
Peter: You are gravely insulting me.
James: Thank you.
Remus: Sirius, you're supposed to wake up now.
Sirius: Oh, am I? Pretends to wake up and screams like a girl... AHHHHH!!!! BEARS ARE ATTACKING ME!!!! THEY WANT TO KILL ME!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! Runs in circles...
Remus: You're supposed to run out the door.
Sirius: AHHHHHHHH!!!! Runs out the door...
James: OH NO YOU DON'T! YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY THAT EASY! YOU STILL OWE ME 150 GALLEONS!!!!!
Sirius, James: Run all around the stage screaming.
Curtain closes.