AN: Thank you for the reviews, I hope you all are still enjoying the story. I hope that this chapter is not too intense.

Drawn Uncontrollably To You

Chapter 14

Carter turned the key in the lock and ushered Abby into her apartment.

'Coffee?' she asked quietly.

He nodded and she went into the kitchen. Her hands were trembling as she started to make the drink.

'Here' said Carter coming up behind her 'I'll make it you go and sit down'

She looked at him and didn't have the will to argue so she turned and did as she was told, watching him move easily with familiarity around her kitchen from the comfortable sofa.

They drank the coffee in silence each absorbed in their own thoughts.

Finally Carter stood and said 'Shall I go? Leave you to get some rest?'

She looked alarmed at this suggestion and said 'No, I don't want you to go'

He bit his bottom lip, turned round and went back to sit with her on the sofa.

'What do you want to do?' he asked her tentatively.

'Talk, if you don't want to...it's okay I understand'

'You listened every time I called you last year; you even broke off some of your dates for me. I think I can return the service'

'Well I couldn't refuse coffee and pie with you' she said with a hint of a smile which he softly returned.

'Who's' Molly?' Carter asked

'A patient, I had today, she was nine looked more like seven. Had a really bad life, disturbing childhood' she stopped and sniffed not really wanting to discuss Molly any more.

This answer seemed to satisfy Carter though and he sat back further on the seat and made himself comfortable.

'Molly' Abby suddenly found herself continuing 'made me think of the shooting of....of losing the baby and everything. It's just not fair John I mean her parents didn't want her and I lost my child. I'm sorry this might be too hard for you. I don't want to make you hurt, bring things up you're not ready to think about, talk about with someone else'

'It's okay' he nodded 'And you're right it has made me think about what happened last year already when we were in the lounge. I cried a bit for my son, but it also made me realise that although the pain is still there it's not so bad so intense as it was. I don't ever want to forget him'

'You don't have to' she whispered feeling emotional again and knowing that he did too.

'Today, we'll talk about this, you and me, and you know it's okay to cry, grieve as much as you need to and if you want to cry another day, some where in the distant future or even a little way ahead then that's okay too.' he said.

Abby absorbed Carter words for a moment then said 'How do you feel? Now? About everything?

'Better than I did. I don't know if anyone really...' he stopped searching for the right words, 'gets over it completely. I think I've come to terms with it, but I don't think I'll ever feel like I did before, it's changed me Abby. I wanted at the time to crawl up in a ball and die, but now I feel like I'm living again. Does that answer your question?' He turned and looked at her and she nodded, then he asked 'Why did you say it was your fault, your punishment?'

She studied him for a while before answering 'When I found out I was pregnant I didn't know what to do, whether to keep the baby or not. Then when I was in the hospital and Fleur told me that I was still pregnant, I thought this must be a sign. A sign that I should keep the baby. In the hours that followed I got quite used to the idea. I would even admit to loving the baby growing inside me' here her voice faltered and she looked away from him.

'Go on' Carter said prompting her to continue.

Abby sighed, hoping that she would not cry in front of him again, but her emotions were all over the place today.

The she went on 'I even started to make plans of what I would do. Stupid huh?'

'No' he replied with a shake of his head 'Not at all'

'When I started getting cramping pains some hours later I knew it was too late, that I had been robbed of my fantasy that I had dared to dream'

Abby wasn't aware but her face was once again wet with tears and part of him wanted to wipe them away, but he did not want to spoil the moment of Abby addressing her feelings as he fought back his own tears.

'I just feel empty and I know that life doesn't work this way but I feel like losing the baby like I did is my punishment, for killing my baby'

'You didn't kill your baby' he said gently 'you had a miscarriage' Now it was his turn for his voice to break.

'No you don't understand' she continued 'I mean my other baby'

He looked at her puzzled by this last comment as she dared to meet his gaze and he said 'Your other baby?'

She nodded biting her lip and answered hesitatingly 'I had an abortion'

'Recently?' he managed to choke out.

'No' she whispered 'When I was married to Richard. I was scared John. Scared I'd be like Maggie. Scared the baby would be like Maggie'

'I know you're scared about passing on the disease but you might not even be a carrier' he replied 'Do you regret it?'

'What?'

'The abortion?'

'Not at the time. Sometimes I wish if only, but what's done is done now. I guess I've realised too late that I can be a mother, that I want to be'

Carter shook his head 'It's not too late, for either of us'

Abby puzzled somewhat by the mixed messages he was sending her with his eyes looked quickly away focusing the other side of the room. There was a silence, Carter wished he hadn't made that last remark as it left a kind of odd tension hanging in the atmosphere.

'So' he started in an effort to break the silence. 'You coping with everything else all right?' not wanting to say the wrong thing again, but he needed to know if she had thought about drinking. Not that he had noticed any signs, which indicated that she was.

Without looking at him she knew what he was implying and it was no good hiding it from him for she knew that somehow he would just sense it. 'I keep having dreams...you know about the shooting'

He made a noise so she knew that he was listening, absorbing what she was saying.

'Most nights....every night. Sometimes.... Sometimes it's about the baby too....mostly three men are chasing me'

'What do you do? To stop it?' he asked

'I get up make a hot tea or coffee and try to go back to sleep. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Once or twice when I felt really bad I've gotten up and gone to a meeting' she took this opportunity to glance at him, and he looked worried. Feeling the need to reassure him she added 'I've thought about it a couple of times, drinking I mean. But what would that solve, it would just make everything worse. I don't want to go back to that' she sighed again feeling tired for this honesty thing was wearying.

'Have you spoken to someone about it?' he asked secretly glad that she was stronger than she realised she was. Stronger than he would ever be.

'Oh only when I was in hospital and you today'

'Do you think you need to speak to someone else?'

'I'm okay Carter. I feel better now I've told someone, you'

He smiled slightly as he looked at her, she was still studying the rug but suddenly she turned at looked straight at him. Her expression a mixture of sadness and the beginnings of acceptance of what had happened clearly on her face. Need a hug his expression seemed to say and she in return nodded. Feeling secure in the haven of his embrace.