K'sani'ala: Well, I guess I'll be writing the author notes and disclaimer this chapter because I have the edited version of the story saved in a word document on my computer. Anyhow, beware of insanity, get ready for some laughs, and be sure to read and review! And please read and comply with my request of the reviewers. I hope you enjoy our piece!
One thing to point out is that "the author" is Shadowsister and "the other half of the author" is I, K'sani'ala!
Disclaimer: Shadowsister and I don't own Harry Potter or any related titles. They all belong to that ingenious Queen J.K. Rowling, and so does Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We don't own Gandalf the Grey/White (Tolkien does), X-men or X-men 2 (Those movie people do), Van Helsing (those other movie people do), that parody show Shady once watched where Frodo and Sam were trying to destroy the Ring and they posted it through Australia post to Sauron and Sauron got it and it was all in pieces and the delivery guy was all, "Yeah, sorry about that." (I don't know who owns it), the Australian Post (Um, the Australian Government or The Australian Postal Agency owns it), McDonald's (Old McDonald does) or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Those old movie people do). Shady and I own Professor Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname, the author, the other half of the author, Shady's éclairs, all of Shady's posters, a llama, a random moving picture, Rupert the Cactus, Voldie's giant, comically oversized frying pan, Manipulators, Defense for Dark Times by Yuoim Perweski, Cures for Imbeciles with Severe Maladies by Perskoff Lewis, Shady's wicked-as shirt that has 'BLACK siriusly.' on the front and 'Hereby entres Padfoot.' on the back, Shady's "Footy" rants, my rants, the bedding we piled on Harry, the gift bow I put on Shady's head and a partridge/kookaburra in a pear/gum treeeee.
Part One: Manipulators and A Giant, Comically Oversized Frying Pan
Harry was randomly walking around Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Thoughts going through his head at the moment were:
I hate Snape;
I hate Malfoy;
I am oh so special;
I secretly like Hermione but am to stupid to say anything and Her Majesty, Queen J.K. Rowling is probably going to do something about it.
Harry found himself in Dumbledore's office. He had absolutely no idea how he got there. Fawks, the Phoenix who looks cuter when he's a baby rather than an adult, decided to burst into flames and become a baby to please the author.
Dumbledore was in the background, waiting for someone to acknowledge him. When Harry finally did see him, Dumbledore took a page or two to talk about something that could be talked about in a sentence. For my (the author's) benefit and so you don't get bored we shall go with the sentence.
"Harry, on top of being a wizard, a parselmouth, a Quidditch legend and many other things that normal people aren't, you are a Manipulator."
Harry was really confused.
"But I thought Malfoy was the two-timing sex guru."
Once again, Dumbledore took a page or so to explain something that could have been summarized in a sentence. And, once again, we shall go with the sentence.
"A Manipulator can manipulate objects and matter with pure will power."
Harry still didn't get it, but he went to the local video shop and rented X- Men and watched it that night in the Gryffindor common room.
"But according to Hogwarts: A History it's impossible for Muggle artifacts to work in the boundaries of Hogwarts!" Hermione Granger informed the author.
The author got annoyed and set Rupert, her cactus that had pricked her earlier on, on Hermione. Naturally, Hermione screamed in pain (Those needles HURT!!!).
But the time Harry finished watching X-Men, he still had no idea what a Manipulator was coz he was too busy perving on Halle Berry and the chick who played Jean Grey.
Meanwhile the author was fantasizing about Hugh Jackman without the weird Wolverine hair. This daydream involved shiny gold pants and a McDonald's large chocolate sundae.
Half way though the sundae, Ronald Weasley decided to show up, for he was somewhere else and he had heard that X-Men was on. He was very disappointed when he found that it had just finished.
After a complete nervous breakdown, Ronald asked Harry, "What's been going on?"
Harry, who was in no mood to explain, or do anything for that matter, handed Ronald the script. Ronald found it extremely difficult to read, or do anything that shows even the smallest trace of sophistication. So he went to find Hermione.
Harry followed him, because the story follows Harry and if Harry's not there then we don't find out what happens and that would be a real bummer.
Hermione was in the Hospital Wing with Rupert still managing to somehow cling to her, inflicting much deserved pain.
Harry decided to take this chance and ask Hermione if she knew what a Manipulator was.
Hermione used a lot of references and quotes and big words that I (the author) don't think exist or are even possible to pronounce. Because of this, the author had no idea what she was supposed to be saying and instead made Ronald Weasley explain in a way normal people could comprehend.
"I think it's like some of the people on X-Men. Like Storm and Pyro in X- Men 2."
So, all it took was a movie reference for Harry to figure out what a Manipulator was.
Quidditch. The only game fit for Wizards. But it is no match for Footy.
Footy. Aussie Rules. The only game. The game of the Gods. The author could rant like this forever but won't, for it has already been done.
Harry was on his Firebolt, looking smug and looking for the Snitch.
"Potter, you are a Blob!" called You-Know-Who.
No, you imbeciles, it wasn't Voldemort! It was Draco Malfoy! Cheese and Rice!!!
Draco Malfoy had run out of insulting things to say, so the author decided to make up an insulting word, use it on her brother and publish it in a Fan Fic.
Harry was too busy giving Draco Malfoy the 'Death glare' to notice the Snitch coming towards him. The Snitch flew straight into Harry's eye and got stuck. Harry, in an extremely large amount of pain, pried the Snitch out of his socket. Madame Hooch caught sight of the Snitch in Harry's hand and signaled the end of the Game.
"GRIFFINDOR WINS!!!" shouted Lee Jordan, the guy who doesn't look a thing like the author imagined.
All the players swooped down to the ground. Harry was in utter confusion and had absolutely no idea what was going on.
Draco Malfoy was pissed. There is no other word for it. Because the author is smitten with him, she takes him away and makes him 'feel better'. And by that the author means treating him to a McDonald's large chocolate sundae, custard puffs, Cadbury roast almond chocolate, maybe some Milo and other products containing chocolate. What else do you think making him 'feel better' meant? No, seriously, I'm asking. What?
And what does 'smitten' mean anyways? [Author looks in dictionary] To be affected by a disease or desire or fascination etc. OK, go with the second one.
After Harry had been told that Gryffindor had won the match and Ronald had appeared they went to go visit Hermione, who was still at the Hospital Wing. Rupert had long gone, but the needles really hurt and Hermione was finding it difficult to move without pains.
Draco Malfoy was also in the Hospital Wing, but this was because he had eaten too many chocolate products. But on the plus side, the author was caring for him, which is a win-win situation.
After the brief visit, in which Harry and Ronald ate Hermione's 'get well' lollies, poked at the needles still lodged in her skin and tried to talk up the author on numerous occasions, Harry and Ronald made their way back to Gryffindor Tower.
For some magical reason everything stopped. Some sort of time-stopping charm was placed upon Hogwarts.
Then, Voldemort, the most evil psychopath in the world apart from OSAMA BIN LADEN AND ALL OTHER TERRORISTS, came running around the corner at the end of the corridor and made his way to Harry and Ronald.
"I now have you in my grasp, Harry Potter," said Voldie. "But I shall not kill you, for you are supposed to kill me and rid the world of my evil. Though I will make your task slightly harder to accomplish. Feel my wrath!!!"
With that, Voldie produced a giant, comically over-sized frying pan from nowhere. After much effort to lift the thing he whacked Harry on the head, causing Harry to collapse on the floor. Voldie laughed, as all evil self- proclaimed geniuses do, and ran to his ever so secret hiding location that no one could ever find coz of some magical phenomenon.
Harry found himself on the floor staring up at Ronald, who looked just as confused as Harry felt.
"What happened?" asked Ronald.
"I don't know. But my scar seems to hurt for some reason," replied Harry.
Ronald gasped in shock. He seemed to always exaggerate things, make them seem much more dangerous, funny, interesting than they really were.
"Do you think it could be You-Know-Who?"
Harry was still confused.
"Malfoy? How could this be his doing?"
The author sighed in frustration at Harry's stupidity. She should have seen this coming. She made Harry all stupid and stuff. It's not like this was unavoidable, she could have made him smarter like in the books, but NO! She had to make him all dim-witted and absolutely useless. Well she is not putting up with it any longer. The author no turns the keyboard over to her other half and storms out of the room, never to be seen again.
The other half took over promptly and edited the whole thing, being the picky little grammar freak with grammar and spell check on her computer that she is, and ruined her other half's hard work by making it prim and proper. The other half apologized to anyone who is annoyed by proper grammar and she suggested that we might continue if possible.
"No! He-who-must-not-be-named, Harry! Perhaps he came in here and put the Impervious spell on you in two seconds!"
"We didn't see him!"
"HARRY! He could've used an invisibility cloak!"
"Who?"
The other half got so frustrated that she couldn't write as well as the true author that she ran down the corridor screaming and bopped both Harry and Ron with Voldemort's giant, comically oversized frying pan and stuffed them both into a bag. She then ran around the entire Hogwarts School screaming, "WHAT THE HECK IS A MANIPULATOR?????"
Ron poked his head out of the bag. "Harry's one."
"I KNOW!!!!!!!"
"Oh! Look, Harry! She must be a Death Eater trying to kidnap us and bring us to You-Know-Who so that you can finish him off!"
"SHUT UP!!!!!" screamed the other half of the author and she banged him really hard in the head with Voldemort's giant, comically oversized frying pan.
It was just then that Hermione decided to come along with Crookshanks, being miraculously recovered just so the other half of the author could torment her.
The author again drew out Voldemort's giant, comically oversized frying pan and went head-on to Hermione.
"Hey! That's You-Know-Who's giant, comically oversized frying pan! I read about in Defense for Dark Times by Yuoim Perweski!" yelled Hermione.
Hermione screamed as the giant, comically oversized frying pan collided with her head and the other half of the author stuffed her into the bag with Harry and Ron.
"Heh, I didn't know that Malfoy had a giant, comically oversized frying pan!" said Harry.
Ron and Hermione howled and asked to borrow the giant, comically oversized frying pan, which made its way to Harry's head within half a second.
"That was bloody excellent! Hey, look at Harry! He has a bloody concussion!"
"Ron, I read about concussions in Cures for Imbeciles with Severe Maladies by Perskoff Lewis! We have to put ice on his malady!" said Hermione.
"Uh, Hermione, everyone knows that you have to put ice first on a concussion to help ease the bloody pain!" screamed Ron.
"ENOUGH!" screamed the other half of the author and she banged Ron and Hermione one last time to shut them up.
"HEY! DON'T HIT MY FRIENDS WITH MALFOY'S GIANT, COMICALLY OVERSIZED FRYING PAN!" yelled Harry, who is miraculously cured just so that the other half of the author could do this:
WHAM! The other half of the author hit Harry square in the temple and toppled down to the ground, exhausted. She just happened to be in Hogsmeade by the Shrieking Shack and ran inside to greet Professor Lupin, leaving the bag of Hermione, Harry and Ron, outside. However she was being followed by Crookshanks, but none of that matters because the world will come to an end if the story doesn't stay focused on Harry.
The other half of the author cursed limited third person point of view, close to Harry, of course, and then scuttled off with Crookshanks into the Shack hoping that the author could come and finish off what she had totally screwed up.
The author by now had cooled down but grew hotter than before because of the way her other half had messed things up and she picked up the bag with Harry, Ron and Hermione in it and brought it to the nearest Australia Post post-box thingy.
Based on previous experiences, the author was hoping that the trio would either get lost in customs or be severely mistreated. Like that parody show she once watched where Frodo and Sam were trying to destroy the Ring and they posted it through Australia post to Sauron and Sauron got it and it was all in pieces and the delivery guy was all, "Yeah, sorry about that."
The author noticed that she was ranting on a completely unrelated topic, but didn't really care as she was just as confused as Harry and had absolutely no idea what happened during the duration of time she was absent, sulking and eating éclairs.
Because of the stupid limited third person point of view, the author had to take Harry out of the bag and then magically send him off to the Shrieking Shack. The author had gotten interested.
Harry found himself in the Shrieking Shack. Using the little part of hit brain that still worked, Harry came up with the most likely scenario.
"Malfoy's giant, comically over-sized frying pan must be a portkey!" he screamed.
The author was impressed. In this place it could happen! But he had still gotten the thing about the owner of the frying pan wrong.
In the Shack was someone Harry was rather glad to meet.
"Van Helsing!!!" Harry screamed.
Professor Lupin had absolutely no idea what was going on, and neither did the author. Lupin didn't look a thing like Van Helsing! But this sent the author into another of her fantasies about Hugh Jackman, involving shiny gold pants and a McDonald's large chocolate sundae.
Half way through the sundae the author decided to give Lupin some dialogue.
"What is going on?" asked Lupin.
The author gave Lupin the story to read.
Lupin launched into an explanation about something to do with spelling, grammar, plot and all these other things associated with story writing. He suggested we give Harry a lesson on his new found powers, like when Harry learned occulmency.
The author was not sure how to spell that word so she went to her cupboard that is not under the stairs and fished out her copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
The next day, the author found that it was actually spelled occlumency. The reason for this being the next day is because the author got fascinated by all her books and started reading the babbles (blurb) and reminiscing about each of them.
The author then began reading OOTP and got mad at what J.K. Rowling did to Sirius and threw the book at her wicked-as poster of Legolas that she got from her cousin for Christmas 2003. Realizing what she had done, the author apologized to the book and the poster and went in search for her wicked-as shirt that has 'BLACK siriusly.' on the front and 'Hereby entres Padfoot.' on the back. The author remembers she wore that shirt to Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
The author realized that she had once again forsaken the story and began ranting about her life. She was ashamed.
Harry made his way to the Dungeons. He was going to have his Manipulation lesson, as Lupin suggested. As usual, Harry had no idea who his teacher was.
Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
PROFFESOR UMBRIDGE!!!
No, just kidding. Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
GANDALF THE GREY/WHITE!!!
Oops wrong story. Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
DRACO MALFOY!!!
No, no, that's not gonna work is it. Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
VOLDEMORT!!!
Nah, that ruins it. Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
FREDERRIK, MY LUCKY BAMBOO!!!
What!?!?! No!!! Ok, look. How about we just randomly make up a character for the sole purpose of teaching something to Harry and then we can kill them off later on, eh? Ok that's settled.
Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
AERIS SIGEL IDON'THAVEALASTNAME!!!
He seriously doesn't. But does anyone really care!? The author means that the character is dead already so it doesn't really matter. But her other half will come up with a last name.
And if you were interested, Aeris is Greek meaning 'air' and Sigel is a rune representing 'the sun'. Did anyone notice how the name of the character meant something?
You know, the people with weird names, they have some hidden meaning? Ugh, whatever.
The other half of the author wanted a turn to screw up the story, so she bound the author to her chair and put masking tape over her mouth. The other half of the author then added a stick-on bow that you put on presents to see how it looked. She burst out laughing and covered the author's head with a pile of bedding. This of course was all done in the presence of Harry because of that cursed limited third person point of view.
The other half of the author decided to make up a last name for Harry's Manipulation teacher. So, Harry came face to face with:
AERIS SIGEL IDON'THAVEALASTNAME!!!!
The other half of the author smiled smugly and hugged her for being so creative for Aeris Sigel's last name. The author tried to point out that she had typed the exact same thing as before but only managed a sort of muffled, "Oo rot ee eesat aim fing sas wrast kime!"
Harry congratulated the other half of the author on her creativity and she smiled and treated Harry to one of the author's éclairs. The author screamed, muffled, of course, "Ohhhhhhhhhh!! Ohn ay oon! Er mine!"
However, Harry and the other half of the author ignored her, and helped themselves to the rest of the éclairs. The author wailed, and Professor Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname sat in the Dungeon waiting, very confused and totally neglected.
"You should get to your Manipulation class with Professor Idon'thavealastname now!" the other half of the author reminded Harry.
"Where?" Harry asked.
"In the Dungeon."
"With who?"
"Professor Idon'thavealastname."
"Where?"
"The Dungeon."
"And who'll be teaching me?"
"Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname."
"And he'll be teaching me where?"
"The Dungeon."
"Whom?"
"Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname."
"And what is his last name?"
"Idon'thavealastname."
"Yes, that's very well for you, but I need to know my teacher's last name."
"Idon'thavealastname."
"Forget it. Could you just tell me where the class will be?"
"In the Dungeon."
"And who'll be teaching me?" asked Harry.
At this point the other half of the author got so bored of typing up Harry's teacher's name that she bopped Harry on the head with Voldemort's giant, comically oversized frying pan and dragged him all the way to the Dungeons to You-Know-Who.
No, you imbeciles! Not Voldemort or Malfoy! Professor Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname! The other half of the author didn't feel like writing it! Pizza and Popcorn!!!
Actually, popcorn on pizza isn't that bad. One time at the other half of the author's brother's birthday party, one of his friends tried it, and then everybody did it, including the other half of the author. Did you know that pizza was invented in Naples, Italy?
The author screamed, in Harry's presence, of course, and yelled, "Ohhh! Oo ar anting aboot er wife!"
No one understood her so the other half of the author pulled Harry back to the Dungeons and stuffed him in You-Know-Who's classroom. And you people better know whom the other half of the author means by You-Know-Who because she just spent a whole half of a page ranting on a related subject!
You-Know-Who slammed the door and seated Harry in a desk.
"YOU'RE LATE!" he shouted and whacked Harry over the head.
"Why'd I deserve that?" questioned Harry.
"You were late!" said You-Know-Who.
"Who? That's terrible!" exclaimed Harry.
"YOU!" yelled You-Know-Who.
"I did what?"
"You were late to class!"
"What! You were late for my class? I'll tell Dumbledore and he'll sack you!" yelled Harry.
"NO! YOU WERE!"
"I was what?"
You-Know-Who, A.K.A. Professor Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname, put a hand over his face and died from frustration from that empty-headed pupil of his.
"Hey! You're Professor Idon'thavealastname! You're supposed to teach me about, uh, occlumency! Hey, why are you just lying there on the floor, so pale... so cold.... so lifeless... I guess I get to skip class! Yeah!" shouted Harry.
Harry opened the door to let the other half of the author in so that she could rant to the readers and still be using limited third person point of view.
"HA! I told you that we'd kill him off! Professor Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname is DEAD! He only existed for 2 and ½ pages! Not bad for an original character!" said the other half of the author.
Harry quickly got bored of listening to the other half of the author so he ran off to go visit with the author because she might have a nice long rant- story about "Footy", whatever that meant, for him to listen to.
The other half of the author yelled, "NOOOO!" as Harry ran away, but kept up with him long enough to give her opinions on this "Footy".
"I think it means 'football', or in America, 'soccer'!" she screamed to the readers as Harry disappeared around the corner and into the author's computer room to undo the masking tape on her mouth. He couldn't figure out how to do it, until he saw Voldemort's giant, comically oversized frying pan. He banged onto the author's head, instantly finding himself amused. The author screamed in pain, but Harry ignored her, and the author yelled again. Of course she didn't feel a thing, Harry being weak as he is, and her buried under a pile of bedding. The real thing that caused the author to scream in pain was a pinch from the other half of the author, who was laughing.
The other half of the author tore off the beddings on top of the author and undid the bindings and masking tape over the author's body. Together the author and her other half bound and gagged Harry to the chair, piled all the beddings on top of him, and stuck the gift bow on the very top of their masterpiece. Now both the halves of the author could rant and still be using limited third person point of view!
The first thing the other half of the author asked the author was, "What is "Footy"? Is it soccer/football?"
The author replied, "Well, I-", but was promptly interrupted.
"CROOKSHANKS! I FORGOT ALL ABOUT YOU!" screamed the other half of the author. She stuffed Crookshanks under the bedding and the bow with Harry and begged the author to continue.
The author, now thoroughly annoyed, said, "Oh. My. GOD!!! THE DEAD PRESERVED PUFFER FISH IS STARING AT ME!!!"
The author screamed and attempted to run out of the door. Instead, she ran into the adjacent wall and fell back on her butt. The Eagles flag that hangs on that wall fell down for no apparent reason and landed on top of the author. This flag reminded the author of the skipper, Ben Cousins, which caused the author to drool. Then, her hard-back poster of Legolas fell for no reason and landed on top of her. This reminded her of Orlando Bloom and caused her to continue drooling. Then Draco Malfoy walked into the story and caused the author to drool even more. Draco Malfoy also reminded the author of her precious éclairs.
"NOOOOO!!! MY ÉCLAIRS!!!" the author wailed at the loss of her precious éclairs, but soon got over it as Draco Malfoy uncharacteristically hugged her and gave her a mug of Dilmah tea.
The author then realized that in the past eleven or so pages they had completely abandoned the goal that was to be accomplished. That is to say, none of the events that have occurred lead up to Harry killing Voldie and then Voldie coming back to life by some magical means, had happened.
Then the author remembered that the other half of the author did not know what 'Footy' was. HA! Sorry but that is funny. She means, honestly, who doesn't know what 'Footy' is?!?
The author, smart as she is, (well smarter than Harry anyways) came up with an ingenious plan. But for this plan she would need Voldie.
But first the author got out her wand, which was actually a spatula, and in an instant everyone was magically teleported to the Quidditch pitch.
And everyone includes:
-The author- Duh!
-The other half of the author- Working with her was a mistake.
-Harry- Damn limited third person point of view.
-Ronald- Has anyone noticed that in this story he is so much smarter than Harry?
-Hermione- I (the author) honestly think she secretly likes Ronald.
-All the other Weasleys- So that would be, 8?
-Voldie- Like I (the author) said, we need him.
-Draco Malfoy- Oh dear God for some reason I'm (the author is) seeing him in a cheerleader outfit....
-Lucius Malfoy- The next Voldie.
-Dumbledore- You (the reader) shall be laughing thy arse off!
-A few Death Eaters- They go with Voldie.
-Prof. Lupin- He was in this story, wasn't he?
-Fawks- He's so cute!
-Prof. Snape- I (the author) think we mentioned him.
-Crookshanks- I (the author) don't really like that cat.
-Scabbers/ Pettigrew- He's an arse, literally!
-Hedwig- Well, we have 3 other animals.
-Buckbeak- He looked wickedness in the movie.
-Malfoy's Goonies- So that's 2.
-Malfoy's Sex toy- I (the author) have plans for Pansy [evil laugh]
-Prof. Flitwik- It'll be funny, trust me.
-A random moving picture- I (the author) am running out of characters.
-Dudley- He's like a lava-lamp.
-Aunt Marge- She's like that blueberry chick from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.
-Prof. Umbridge- No, I'm not kidding this time.
-Hagrid- Human tank!!!
-Dobby- Dobby lo-o-oves Harry Potter [snort]
-Sirius- We can't not have Sirius. And don't say he's dead! I WON'T BELIEVE IT!!!
-Tonks- Nymphadora. [Snort] What a stupid name! (At this statement Tonks protested by saying, "Hey, my weird-ass mother named me!")
-A handful of Orcs- Meh
-A Llama- We can't not have a llama!
-And a partridge/kookaburra in a pear/gum treeeee.
The author looks at the list and smirks evilly. That was more that 30 people, and 30 people in a fanfic spelled chaos and all around insanity. Even 2 people in a fanfic spells chaos and all around insanity. It's insane!!!
The author decided to stop writing. She believes it is called a cliffhanger or something, but she had made it her goal to make you want to come back and find out what happens.
I (the author) don't care what my (the author's) other half thinks, for she lives in Uranus and I (the author) live in Australia and no one knows where Australia is because no one cares. NO ONE I SAY!!!
I need a Cherry ChupaChup!
This is the other half of the author speaking. Actually I (the other half of the author) live on Planet Earth. And who DOESN'T know where Australia is? I (the other half of the author) mean, come on, it's one of the seven continents on Earth! It's in the Southern Hemisphere located below Asia!
Yeah, well keep looking out for the next installment. And, um, when you review, please say if you know what "Footy" is, just so I can prove a point to Shadowsister. And make sure to include a definition!
K'sani'ala, the other half of the author
One thing to point out is that "the author" is Shadowsister and "the other half of the author" is I, K'sani'ala!
Disclaimer: Shadowsister and I don't own Harry Potter or any related titles. They all belong to that ingenious Queen J.K. Rowling, and so does Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We don't own Gandalf the Grey/White (Tolkien does), X-men or X-men 2 (Those movie people do), Van Helsing (those other movie people do), that parody show Shady once watched where Frodo and Sam were trying to destroy the Ring and they posted it through Australia post to Sauron and Sauron got it and it was all in pieces and the delivery guy was all, "Yeah, sorry about that." (I don't know who owns it), the Australian Post (Um, the Australian Government or The Australian Postal Agency owns it), McDonald's (Old McDonald does) or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Those old movie people do). Shady and I own Professor Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname, the author, the other half of the author, Shady's éclairs, all of Shady's posters, a llama, a random moving picture, Rupert the Cactus, Voldie's giant, comically oversized frying pan, Manipulators, Defense for Dark Times by Yuoim Perweski, Cures for Imbeciles with Severe Maladies by Perskoff Lewis, Shady's wicked-as shirt that has 'BLACK siriusly.' on the front and 'Hereby entres Padfoot.' on the back, Shady's "Footy" rants, my rants, the bedding we piled on Harry, the gift bow I put on Shady's head and a partridge/kookaburra in a pear/gum treeeee.
Part One: Manipulators and A Giant, Comically Oversized Frying Pan
Harry was randomly walking around Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Thoughts going through his head at the moment were:
I hate Snape;
I hate Malfoy;
I am oh so special;
I secretly like Hermione but am to stupid to say anything and Her Majesty, Queen J.K. Rowling is probably going to do something about it.
Harry found himself in Dumbledore's office. He had absolutely no idea how he got there. Fawks, the Phoenix who looks cuter when he's a baby rather than an adult, decided to burst into flames and become a baby to please the author.
Dumbledore was in the background, waiting for someone to acknowledge him. When Harry finally did see him, Dumbledore took a page or two to talk about something that could be talked about in a sentence. For my (the author's) benefit and so you don't get bored we shall go with the sentence.
"Harry, on top of being a wizard, a parselmouth, a Quidditch legend and many other things that normal people aren't, you are a Manipulator."
Harry was really confused.
"But I thought Malfoy was the two-timing sex guru."
Once again, Dumbledore took a page or so to explain something that could have been summarized in a sentence. And, once again, we shall go with the sentence.
"A Manipulator can manipulate objects and matter with pure will power."
Harry still didn't get it, but he went to the local video shop and rented X- Men and watched it that night in the Gryffindor common room.
"But according to Hogwarts: A History it's impossible for Muggle artifacts to work in the boundaries of Hogwarts!" Hermione Granger informed the author.
The author got annoyed and set Rupert, her cactus that had pricked her earlier on, on Hermione. Naturally, Hermione screamed in pain (Those needles HURT!!!).
But the time Harry finished watching X-Men, he still had no idea what a Manipulator was coz he was too busy perving on Halle Berry and the chick who played Jean Grey.
Meanwhile the author was fantasizing about Hugh Jackman without the weird Wolverine hair. This daydream involved shiny gold pants and a McDonald's large chocolate sundae.
Half way though the sundae, Ronald Weasley decided to show up, for he was somewhere else and he had heard that X-Men was on. He was very disappointed when he found that it had just finished.
After a complete nervous breakdown, Ronald asked Harry, "What's been going on?"
Harry, who was in no mood to explain, or do anything for that matter, handed Ronald the script. Ronald found it extremely difficult to read, or do anything that shows even the smallest trace of sophistication. So he went to find Hermione.
Harry followed him, because the story follows Harry and if Harry's not there then we don't find out what happens and that would be a real bummer.
Hermione was in the Hospital Wing with Rupert still managing to somehow cling to her, inflicting much deserved pain.
Harry decided to take this chance and ask Hermione if she knew what a Manipulator was.
Hermione used a lot of references and quotes and big words that I (the author) don't think exist or are even possible to pronounce. Because of this, the author had no idea what she was supposed to be saying and instead made Ronald Weasley explain in a way normal people could comprehend.
"I think it's like some of the people on X-Men. Like Storm and Pyro in X- Men 2."
So, all it took was a movie reference for Harry to figure out what a Manipulator was.
Quidditch. The only game fit for Wizards. But it is no match for Footy.
Footy. Aussie Rules. The only game. The game of the Gods. The author could rant like this forever but won't, for it has already been done.
Harry was on his Firebolt, looking smug and looking for the Snitch.
"Potter, you are a Blob!" called You-Know-Who.
No, you imbeciles, it wasn't Voldemort! It was Draco Malfoy! Cheese and Rice!!!
Draco Malfoy had run out of insulting things to say, so the author decided to make up an insulting word, use it on her brother and publish it in a Fan Fic.
Harry was too busy giving Draco Malfoy the 'Death glare' to notice the Snitch coming towards him. The Snitch flew straight into Harry's eye and got stuck. Harry, in an extremely large amount of pain, pried the Snitch out of his socket. Madame Hooch caught sight of the Snitch in Harry's hand and signaled the end of the Game.
"GRIFFINDOR WINS!!!" shouted Lee Jordan, the guy who doesn't look a thing like the author imagined.
All the players swooped down to the ground. Harry was in utter confusion and had absolutely no idea what was going on.
Draco Malfoy was pissed. There is no other word for it. Because the author is smitten with him, she takes him away and makes him 'feel better'. And by that the author means treating him to a McDonald's large chocolate sundae, custard puffs, Cadbury roast almond chocolate, maybe some Milo and other products containing chocolate. What else do you think making him 'feel better' meant? No, seriously, I'm asking. What?
And what does 'smitten' mean anyways? [Author looks in dictionary] To be affected by a disease or desire or fascination etc. OK, go with the second one.
After Harry had been told that Gryffindor had won the match and Ronald had appeared they went to go visit Hermione, who was still at the Hospital Wing. Rupert had long gone, but the needles really hurt and Hermione was finding it difficult to move without pains.
Draco Malfoy was also in the Hospital Wing, but this was because he had eaten too many chocolate products. But on the plus side, the author was caring for him, which is a win-win situation.
After the brief visit, in which Harry and Ronald ate Hermione's 'get well' lollies, poked at the needles still lodged in her skin and tried to talk up the author on numerous occasions, Harry and Ronald made their way back to Gryffindor Tower.
For some magical reason everything stopped. Some sort of time-stopping charm was placed upon Hogwarts.
Then, Voldemort, the most evil psychopath in the world apart from OSAMA BIN LADEN AND ALL OTHER TERRORISTS, came running around the corner at the end of the corridor and made his way to Harry and Ronald.
"I now have you in my grasp, Harry Potter," said Voldie. "But I shall not kill you, for you are supposed to kill me and rid the world of my evil. Though I will make your task slightly harder to accomplish. Feel my wrath!!!"
With that, Voldie produced a giant, comically over-sized frying pan from nowhere. After much effort to lift the thing he whacked Harry on the head, causing Harry to collapse on the floor. Voldie laughed, as all evil self- proclaimed geniuses do, and ran to his ever so secret hiding location that no one could ever find coz of some magical phenomenon.
Harry found himself on the floor staring up at Ronald, who looked just as confused as Harry felt.
"What happened?" asked Ronald.
"I don't know. But my scar seems to hurt for some reason," replied Harry.
Ronald gasped in shock. He seemed to always exaggerate things, make them seem much more dangerous, funny, interesting than they really were.
"Do you think it could be You-Know-Who?"
Harry was still confused.
"Malfoy? How could this be his doing?"
The author sighed in frustration at Harry's stupidity. She should have seen this coming. She made Harry all stupid and stuff. It's not like this was unavoidable, she could have made him smarter like in the books, but NO! She had to make him all dim-witted and absolutely useless. Well she is not putting up with it any longer. The author no turns the keyboard over to her other half and storms out of the room, never to be seen again.
The other half took over promptly and edited the whole thing, being the picky little grammar freak with grammar and spell check on her computer that she is, and ruined her other half's hard work by making it prim and proper. The other half apologized to anyone who is annoyed by proper grammar and she suggested that we might continue if possible.
"No! He-who-must-not-be-named, Harry! Perhaps he came in here and put the Impervious spell on you in two seconds!"
"We didn't see him!"
"HARRY! He could've used an invisibility cloak!"
"Who?"
The other half got so frustrated that she couldn't write as well as the true author that she ran down the corridor screaming and bopped both Harry and Ron with Voldemort's giant, comically oversized frying pan and stuffed them both into a bag. She then ran around the entire Hogwarts School screaming, "WHAT THE HECK IS A MANIPULATOR?????"
Ron poked his head out of the bag. "Harry's one."
"I KNOW!!!!!!!"
"Oh! Look, Harry! She must be a Death Eater trying to kidnap us and bring us to You-Know-Who so that you can finish him off!"
"SHUT UP!!!!!" screamed the other half of the author and she banged him really hard in the head with Voldemort's giant, comically oversized frying pan.
It was just then that Hermione decided to come along with Crookshanks, being miraculously recovered just so the other half of the author could torment her.
The author again drew out Voldemort's giant, comically oversized frying pan and went head-on to Hermione.
"Hey! That's You-Know-Who's giant, comically oversized frying pan! I read about in Defense for Dark Times by Yuoim Perweski!" yelled Hermione.
Hermione screamed as the giant, comically oversized frying pan collided with her head and the other half of the author stuffed her into the bag with Harry and Ron.
"Heh, I didn't know that Malfoy had a giant, comically oversized frying pan!" said Harry.
Ron and Hermione howled and asked to borrow the giant, comically oversized frying pan, which made its way to Harry's head within half a second.
"That was bloody excellent! Hey, look at Harry! He has a bloody concussion!"
"Ron, I read about concussions in Cures for Imbeciles with Severe Maladies by Perskoff Lewis! We have to put ice on his malady!" said Hermione.
"Uh, Hermione, everyone knows that you have to put ice first on a concussion to help ease the bloody pain!" screamed Ron.
"ENOUGH!" screamed the other half of the author and she banged Ron and Hermione one last time to shut them up.
"HEY! DON'T HIT MY FRIENDS WITH MALFOY'S GIANT, COMICALLY OVERSIZED FRYING PAN!" yelled Harry, who is miraculously cured just so that the other half of the author could do this:
WHAM! The other half of the author hit Harry square in the temple and toppled down to the ground, exhausted. She just happened to be in Hogsmeade by the Shrieking Shack and ran inside to greet Professor Lupin, leaving the bag of Hermione, Harry and Ron, outside. However she was being followed by Crookshanks, but none of that matters because the world will come to an end if the story doesn't stay focused on Harry.
The other half of the author cursed limited third person point of view, close to Harry, of course, and then scuttled off with Crookshanks into the Shack hoping that the author could come and finish off what she had totally screwed up.
The author by now had cooled down but grew hotter than before because of the way her other half had messed things up and she picked up the bag with Harry, Ron and Hermione in it and brought it to the nearest Australia Post post-box thingy.
Based on previous experiences, the author was hoping that the trio would either get lost in customs or be severely mistreated. Like that parody show she once watched where Frodo and Sam were trying to destroy the Ring and they posted it through Australia post to Sauron and Sauron got it and it was all in pieces and the delivery guy was all, "Yeah, sorry about that."
The author noticed that she was ranting on a completely unrelated topic, but didn't really care as she was just as confused as Harry and had absolutely no idea what happened during the duration of time she was absent, sulking and eating éclairs.
Because of the stupid limited third person point of view, the author had to take Harry out of the bag and then magically send him off to the Shrieking Shack. The author had gotten interested.
Harry found himself in the Shrieking Shack. Using the little part of hit brain that still worked, Harry came up with the most likely scenario.
"Malfoy's giant, comically over-sized frying pan must be a portkey!" he screamed.
The author was impressed. In this place it could happen! But he had still gotten the thing about the owner of the frying pan wrong.
In the Shack was someone Harry was rather glad to meet.
"Van Helsing!!!" Harry screamed.
Professor Lupin had absolutely no idea what was going on, and neither did the author. Lupin didn't look a thing like Van Helsing! But this sent the author into another of her fantasies about Hugh Jackman, involving shiny gold pants and a McDonald's large chocolate sundae.
Half way through the sundae the author decided to give Lupin some dialogue.
"What is going on?" asked Lupin.
The author gave Lupin the story to read.
Lupin launched into an explanation about something to do with spelling, grammar, plot and all these other things associated with story writing. He suggested we give Harry a lesson on his new found powers, like when Harry learned occulmency.
The author was not sure how to spell that word so she went to her cupboard that is not under the stairs and fished out her copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
The next day, the author found that it was actually spelled occlumency. The reason for this being the next day is because the author got fascinated by all her books and started reading the babbles (blurb) and reminiscing about each of them.
The author then began reading OOTP and got mad at what J.K. Rowling did to Sirius and threw the book at her wicked-as poster of Legolas that she got from her cousin for Christmas 2003. Realizing what she had done, the author apologized to the book and the poster and went in search for her wicked-as shirt that has 'BLACK siriusly.' on the front and 'Hereby entres Padfoot.' on the back. The author remembers she wore that shirt to Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
The author realized that she had once again forsaken the story and began ranting about her life. She was ashamed.
Harry made his way to the Dungeons. He was going to have his Manipulation lesson, as Lupin suggested. As usual, Harry had no idea who his teacher was.
Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
PROFFESOR UMBRIDGE!!!
No, just kidding. Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
GANDALF THE GREY/WHITE!!!
Oops wrong story. Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
DRACO MALFOY!!!
No, no, that's not gonna work is it. Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
VOLDEMORT!!!
Nah, that ruins it. Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
FREDERRIK, MY LUCKY BAMBOO!!!
What!?!?! No!!! Ok, look. How about we just randomly make up a character for the sole purpose of teaching something to Harry and then we can kill them off later on, eh? Ok that's settled.
Harry opened the door to come face to face with:
AERIS SIGEL IDON'THAVEALASTNAME!!!
He seriously doesn't. But does anyone really care!? The author means that the character is dead already so it doesn't really matter. But her other half will come up with a last name.
And if you were interested, Aeris is Greek meaning 'air' and Sigel is a rune representing 'the sun'. Did anyone notice how the name of the character meant something?
You know, the people with weird names, they have some hidden meaning? Ugh, whatever.
The other half of the author wanted a turn to screw up the story, so she bound the author to her chair and put masking tape over her mouth. The other half of the author then added a stick-on bow that you put on presents to see how it looked. She burst out laughing and covered the author's head with a pile of bedding. This of course was all done in the presence of Harry because of that cursed limited third person point of view.
The other half of the author decided to make up a last name for Harry's Manipulation teacher. So, Harry came face to face with:
AERIS SIGEL IDON'THAVEALASTNAME!!!!
The other half of the author smiled smugly and hugged her for being so creative for Aeris Sigel's last name. The author tried to point out that she had typed the exact same thing as before but only managed a sort of muffled, "Oo rot ee eesat aim fing sas wrast kime!"
Harry congratulated the other half of the author on her creativity and she smiled and treated Harry to one of the author's éclairs. The author screamed, muffled, of course, "Ohhhhhhhhhh!! Ohn ay oon! Er mine!"
However, Harry and the other half of the author ignored her, and helped themselves to the rest of the éclairs. The author wailed, and Professor Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname sat in the Dungeon waiting, very confused and totally neglected.
"You should get to your Manipulation class with Professor Idon'thavealastname now!" the other half of the author reminded Harry.
"Where?" Harry asked.
"In the Dungeon."
"With who?"
"Professor Idon'thavealastname."
"Where?"
"The Dungeon."
"And who'll be teaching me?"
"Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname."
"And he'll be teaching me where?"
"The Dungeon."
"Whom?"
"Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname."
"And what is his last name?"
"Idon'thavealastname."
"Yes, that's very well for you, but I need to know my teacher's last name."
"Idon'thavealastname."
"Forget it. Could you just tell me where the class will be?"
"In the Dungeon."
"And who'll be teaching me?" asked Harry.
At this point the other half of the author got so bored of typing up Harry's teacher's name that she bopped Harry on the head with Voldemort's giant, comically oversized frying pan and dragged him all the way to the Dungeons to You-Know-Who.
No, you imbeciles! Not Voldemort or Malfoy! Professor Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname! The other half of the author didn't feel like writing it! Pizza and Popcorn!!!
Actually, popcorn on pizza isn't that bad. One time at the other half of the author's brother's birthday party, one of his friends tried it, and then everybody did it, including the other half of the author. Did you know that pizza was invented in Naples, Italy?
The author screamed, in Harry's presence, of course, and yelled, "Ohhh! Oo ar anting aboot er wife!"
No one understood her so the other half of the author pulled Harry back to the Dungeons and stuffed him in You-Know-Who's classroom. And you people better know whom the other half of the author means by You-Know-Who because she just spent a whole half of a page ranting on a related subject!
You-Know-Who slammed the door and seated Harry in a desk.
"YOU'RE LATE!" he shouted and whacked Harry over the head.
"Why'd I deserve that?" questioned Harry.
"You were late!" said You-Know-Who.
"Who? That's terrible!" exclaimed Harry.
"YOU!" yelled You-Know-Who.
"I did what?"
"You were late to class!"
"What! You were late for my class? I'll tell Dumbledore and he'll sack you!" yelled Harry.
"NO! YOU WERE!"
"I was what?"
You-Know-Who, A.K.A. Professor Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname, put a hand over his face and died from frustration from that empty-headed pupil of his.
"Hey! You're Professor Idon'thavealastname! You're supposed to teach me about, uh, occlumency! Hey, why are you just lying there on the floor, so pale... so cold.... so lifeless... I guess I get to skip class! Yeah!" shouted Harry.
Harry opened the door to let the other half of the author in so that she could rant to the readers and still be using limited third person point of view.
"HA! I told you that we'd kill him off! Professor Aeris Sigel Idon'thavealastname is DEAD! He only existed for 2 and ½ pages! Not bad for an original character!" said the other half of the author.
Harry quickly got bored of listening to the other half of the author so he ran off to go visit with the author because she might have a nice long rant- story about "Footy", whatever that meant, for him to listen to.
The other half of the author yelled, "NOOOO!" as Harry ran away, but kept up with him long enough to give her opinions on this "Footy".
"I think it means 'football', or in America, 'soccer'!" she screamed to the readers as Harry disappeared around the corner and into the author's computer room to undo the masking tape on her mouth. He couldn't figure out how to do it, until he saw Voldemort's giant, comically oversized frying pan. He banged onto the author's head, instantly finding himself amused. The author screamed in pain, but Harry ignored her, and the author yelled again. Of course she didn't feel a thing, Harry being weak as he is, and her buried under a pile of bedding. The real thing that caused the author to scream in pain was a pinch from the other half of the author, who was laughing.
The other half of the author tore off the beddings on top of the author and undid the bindings and masking tape over the author's body. Together the author and her other half bound and gagged Harry to the chair, piled all the beddings on top of him, and stuck the gift bow on the very top of their masterpiece. Now both the halves of the author could rant and still be using limited third person point of view!
The first thing the other half of the author asked the author was, "What is "Footy"? Is it soccer/football?"
The author replied, "Well, I-", but was promptly interrupted.
"CROOKSHANKS! I FORGOT ALL ABOUT YOU!" screamed the other half of the author. She stuffed Crookshanks under the bedding and the bow with Harry and begged the author to continue.
The author, now thoroughly annoyed, said, "Oh. My. GOD!!! THE DEAD PRESERVED PUFFER FISH IS STARING AT ME!!!"
The author screamed and attempted to run out of the door. Instead, she ran into the adjacent wall and fell back on her butt. The Eagles flag that hangs on that wall fell down for no apparent reason and landed on top of the author. This flag reminded the author of the skipper, Ben Cousins, which caused the author to drool. Then, her hard-back poster of Legolas fell for no reason and landed on top of her. This reminded her of Orlando Bloom and caused her to continue drooling. Then Draco Malfoy walked into the story and caused the author to drool even more. Draco Malfoy also reminded the author of her precious éclairs.
"NOOOOO!!! MY ÉCLAIRS!!!" the author wailed at the loss of her precious éclairs, but soon got over it as Draco Malfoy uncharacteristically hugged her and gave her a mug of Dilmah tea.
The author then realized that in the past eleven or so pages they had completely abandoned the goal that was to be accomplished. That is to say, none of the events that have occurred lead up to Harry killing Voldie and then Voldie coming back to life by some magical means, had happened.
Then the author remembered that the other half of the author did not know what 'Footy' was. HA! Sorry but that is funny. She means, honestly, who doesn't know what 'Footy' is?!?
The author, smart as she is, (well smarter than Harry anyways) came up with an ingenious plan. But for this plan she would need Voldie.
But first the author got out her wand, which was actually a spatula, and in an instant everyone was magically teleported to the Quidditch pitch.
And everyone includes:
-The author- Duh!
-The other half of the author- Working with her was a mistake.
-Harry- Damn limited third person point of view.
-Ronald- Has anyone noticed that in this story he is so much smarter than Harry?
-Hermione- I (the author) honestly think she secretly likes Ronald.
-All the other Weasleys- So that would be, 8?
-Voldie- Like I (the author) said, we need him.
-Draco Malfoy- Oh dear God for some reason I'm (the author is) seeing him in a cheerleader outfit....
-Lucius Malfoy- The next Voldie.
-Dumbledore- You (the reader) shall be laughing thy arse off!
-A few Death Eaters- They go with Voldie.
-Prof. Lupin- He was in this story, wasn't he?
-Fawks- He's so cute!
-Prof. Snape- I (the author) think we mentioned him.
-Crookshanks- I (the author) don't really like that cat.
-Scabbers/ Pettigrew- He's an arse, literally!
-Hedwig- Well, we have 3 other animals.
-Buckbeak- He looked wickedness in the movie.
-Malfoy's Goonies- So that's 2.
-Malfoy's Sex toy- I (the author) have plans for Pansy [evil laugh]
-Prof. Flitwik- It'll be funny, trust me.
-A random moving picture- I (the author) am running out of characters.
-Dudley- He's like a lava-lamp.
-Aunt Marge- She's like that blueberry chick from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.
-Prof. Umbridge- No, I'm not kidding this time.
-Hagrid- Human tank!!!
-Dobby- Dobby lo-o-oves Harry Potter [snort]
-Sirius- We can't not have Sirius. And don't say he's dead! I WON'T BELIEVE IT!!!
-Tonks- Nymphadora. [Snort] What a stupid name! (At this statement Tonks protested by saying, "Hey, my weird-ass mother named me!")
-A handful of Orcs- Meh
-A Llama- We can't not have a llama!
-And a partridge/kookaburra in a pear/gum treeeee.
The author looks at the list and smirks evilly. That was more that 30 people, and 30 people in a fanfic spelled chaos and all around insanity. Even 2 people in a fanfic spells chaos and all around insanity. It's insane!!!
The author decided to stop writing. She believes it is called a cliffhanger or something, but she had made it her goal to make you want to come back and find out what happens.
I (the author) don't care what my (the author's) other half thinks, for she lives in Uranus and I (the author) live in Australia and no one knows where Australia is because no one cares. NO ONE I SAY!!!
I need a Cherry ChupaChup!
This is the other half of the author speaking. Actually I (the other half of the author) live on Planet Earth. And who DOESN'T know where Australia is? I (the other half of the author) mean, come on, it's one of the seven continents on Earth! It's in the Southern Hemisphere located below Asia!
Yeah, well keep looking out for the next installment. And, um, when you review, please say if you know what "Footy" is, just so I can prove a point to Shadowsister. And make sure to include a definition!
K'sani'ala, the other half of the author