Disclaimer: I still do not own Kenshin. I don't. Really. I swear!!
Author's Notes: Okay. This is really really hard. I mean, extremely rough. But I am trying very hard to make the chapter good and give Tomoe's character a new flavor that I've been lacking in giving her as I've been writing. So thanks to Maeve Riannon for helping to come up with the substance for this chapter. Also, thank you to Shinji Ikari for pointing out different angles with which I still needed to send my chapters. I owe you a lot for that! Also, because of the difficulty I have with writing Tomoe's character and all the other things that have been happening, this chapter too longer to write than I had originally anticipated. The interlude to this chapter is by The Ataris, and the song is called 'My Reply'.
Building the Hitokiri
Chapter 11- Scratching Away
'These arms remain stretched out to youMaybe someday you'll accept them
Or maybe it's too late to save
A young girl's heart that's long stopped beating'They sat together, Kenshin silently finishing his dinner while Tomoe cleaned up her own meal area. Neither one spoke much at the moment; both of them were lost within their own sea of troubled thoughts and wanderingmusings. The silence was uneasy in the room, causing discomfort for Tomoe. Kenshin normally would have made a comment by now, and she was a little apprehensive to break the silence on her own; it wouldn't have been the first time she'd done so, but it seemed like this silence she was suffocating in was filled with raging emotions from Kenshin's being.
Gathering her nerves, she finally was capable of asking the one question that had been haunting her the entire evening. "What are you thinking, Kenshin?"
The sound of her voice echoed in Kenshin's mind and rattled him out of his river of broodings. Glancing down at the half eaten array of food before him, his eyes changed from glossy and blank to saddened and embittered. Tomoe folded her legs beneath herself and sat next to him, patiently awaiting his response while deducing her own reasons for his stange actions.
"If this is about how Enishi reacted to you, I apologize for him. He still has such childish reactions…………"
Kenshin shook his head. "It's not that; I can understand why he acted the way he did toward me. I myself had an older sister; if I were to come to visit her and find out she was married, I'd probably be angry as well."
"You've never spoken of your family before." She responded lightly. "Neither one of us has ever mentioned our families."
"My mother used to cook this same exact meal. That was what I was thinking about, my mother." Kenshin answered, unconciously fisting his hands together. "I wish I would have done more instead of just sittingthere like a coward………"
Tomoe blinked a few times, trying to register Kenshin's sudden change in attitude. She couldn't remember ever sensing such a large amount of anger surfacing from him; he'd always been so gentle around her. It wasn't that she felt intimidated by his newly surfaced emotions, it was simply the fact that this new territory she was finding herself traveling upon in their relationship was extremely foreign to her. She was having difficultly trying to figure out how she should react.
"He killed them, you know." Kenshin continued, lifting his eyes up to her. "He slaughtered them right in front of me."
"Who?"
"My father. He killed my sisters and my mother. I was the only one who could get out in time." He answered slowly. "Then, itwas when I met Hiko-sensei and began to train. I've been living my life in an attempt to seek vengance for the deaths of the only people who ever cared about me; I've been trying since I was young to become strong enough. In my mind, I thought that everything would become right if I could just hunt him down and kill him. He's been living in luxury ever since, and it makes me so angry to know that all his crimes are overlooked. That's why I became a hitokiri; if I couldn't avenge my family, than at least I could stop evil before it destroyed more families the way it did my own."
As her eyes widened, Tomoe felt her heartbeat increase. Everything he was saying hit close to home with her. He came to Kyoto in hopes of satisfying his need for revenge, just as she had. Kenshin had become a hitokiri for the soul purpose of destroying the man who had obliterated his family and happiness, which was the same exact reason why Tomoe had allowed herself to become a pawn of the Shogunate in order to hunt Kenshin down. He was so much more like her than she had originally anticipated………
"You and I, we truly are not that much different." she stated, fisting her hands into her kimono. "I too, harbor deep secrets. I was engaged to a man; he was a swordsman, much like you. He came to Kyoto to fight for the Shogunate, and he also lost his life in the process. He came here, thinking that I didn't love him enough and that he had to impress me before we could be married. That's why I left Edo; I came to Kyoto looking for the man who had killed my bethrothed, to avenge his death. But I have long since given up on that goal; within myself, I am too weak to continue on with so much hatred."
Turning her tear filled eyes up toward Kenshin, she suddenly felt so much shame for believing she could have killed him.Living together with him had transformed her heart in so many different ways! Life with Kenshin had taught her so many lessons and taught her how to open up to a world she had closed off, andshe had discovered the salvation she could have if she would only allow herself to love once more. In that sense she felt indebted to him; having been with Kenshin, she had slowly began to learn how to live once again instead of simply existing.
"Tomoe……… I'm sorry." She heard him say as her gaze fell to her hands.
"Kenshin, how long are we going to be able to live like this? I mean, how long will we able to live peacefully like we are now?" she asked him. "How much longer until they'll request your abilities in the rebellion once more?"
Kenshin allowed himself to blink in surprise a few times. Her request seemed so desperate. "Hopefully, for a while longer. But……… do you remember, when you told me that I could stop killing if I truly decided I didn't want to anymore? When the war is over, I will put up my sword and stop killing. Until then, I still have a duty……… but I promise that I will stop. And until then, I will protect you."
She smiled lightly at him, irony settling deeply within her. "And I shall remain here with you."
"You're going to stay with me, Tomoe?" Kenshin questioned, sounding utterly surprised. "When all of this is over, you will remain with me?"
"I shall." She answered sincerely.
'For as long as I can……… in that comes my final duty of saving your life so you can truly escape these wicked demons that have rested within your soul. I am the one protecting you……… and until I have done my part, I cannot allow you to protect me.'
"Why are you still crying?"
Tomoe's hand reached up to her eyes, feeling the moisture that hadn't stopped falling from her eyes. As much as she tried, she couldn't keep her tears from continuing down her cheeks and onto the white of her kimono.
The confusion in her heart was extreme.Kiyosato and Kenshin were two completely different men, from two different sides of a revolution and two different times of her life. One of them was dead and the other was alive, yet she loved them both feverously and with an intensity she had never imagined she could feel. Could she possibly forget Kiyosato long enough to allow herself to be happy with Kenshin? Her heart was torn into two different directions, each leading to the same answer.
"I……… I don't know………." She responded, her eyes completely clouding over. "I don't know……….."
Feeling ultimately lost at the sight of her distress, Kenshin fought inwardly with himself. What could he say that would calm the storm raging with in her, what could he do to help stop the tears she was shedding? There was nothing that he could say to her if, as he realised, she was crying for reasons that she herself didn´t understand. There wasn't much he could do but shelter her.
Tomoe was sent out of her abyss of confusion and thought when she felt Kenshin's arms wrap themselves around her, gently drawing her closer toward him in a protective embrace. She leaned back into him, allowing the safety and solace she felt to soothe her being. There were so many more things she wanted to tell Kenshin, but she knew she could never admit them with her own voice, so she settled for the only response she could say.
"Thank you."
Tomoe's tears fell slowly as she travelled down the snowcovered pathway, blinking agaisnt the snowflakes that began to float into her eyes. The chill of the air was biting, nipping at her skin through the thin cloth of her pristine white kimono. Everything was confusing now, so many raging emotions twisting around within her mind, trying to take control of her heart. The inner turmoil caused her tears to fall quicker, bursting out of her eyes and down onto the snow as she travelled.
It had been so difficult to leave her home that morning, andthe letter she had left behind to keep Kenshin's anxiety to a low level had been even harder to compose. She had no idea how he would react when he realised where she was going and why, especially when he found out who was going to be there. But she had no choice. He had a right to know what was happening and to decide for himself his own course of action. The words she had written were true, even if the writing had managed to become more illegible with each line she wrote.
She had never been so confused in her life, where everywhere she turned, there was a correct answer, and a taunting voice that told her of the reasons why she should never turn down that path. Honor weighed heavily upon her being; she was a Yukishiro, and she had been in love with Kiyosato, she had a right to avenge him………
But Kenshin………
Tomoe pushed her small feet forward, stubbornly ignoring the voice inside her that screamed for her to turn back and embrace her new fate, the voice that cried out for the unsual comfort within Kenshin's watchful gaze. He hid absolutely nothing from her, and his innocence and insecurity drew her toward him. Even underneath the blood that soaked his being, and the tormented past he had attempted to keep hidden, there was a side of him that wanted nothing but for someone to envelope him with love and understanding.
How she wanted that someone to be herself. Tomoe knew Kenshin had extreme feelings concerning her; the emotions he felt were always so strong, and he zealously attempted to hide them from her, as if thinking he was protecting her. ButShe knew better. Everything he did since they arrived at Otsu revolved around making her happy or making her feel comfortable; he seemed afraid of upseting her. Despite the deeply rooted dispair within her, Tomoe managed a small smile.
But she still owed everything to Kiyosato; he died trying to impress her. She could no longer kill the person who stole her happiness; now, it was him that kept her living, allowed her to remain sane and disrupt the broodings she sometimes fell into. How could she choose between the two? One was dead, and the other was alive. One was a hitokiri, the other was a bodyguard honorably attempting to protect his lord. The hitokiri had killed the bodyguard, but the guard had left a scar much deeper upon him than the ones dealt upon himself.
Kenshin still suffered with Kiyosato's memory and continous bleeding that befell his scar; Tomoe suffered with the fact that although she had been sent to help kill Kenshin, now she was falling in love with him. Had she not been a proper lady, she would have cursed herself aloud.
She had made her decision.
The more she neared the small shrine that would contain Tatsumi, the more prominenther foreboding sixth sense became. She felt the danger that was lurking beyond the light, sliding wooden doors, yet she drew herself onward, closer to the inevitable.
'When you awake, I will not be here. Don't worry about me, Kenshin, I don't plan on being gone for long. There are just a few things that I need to finish and close off from my past before they come back to haunt me.
Do you remember, when I said I came to Kyoto to kill the man who destroyed my fiancee? My fiancee's name was Kiyosato, and he was murdered on a bodyguard assignment by you. I came here believing that I could……… believing that I could destroy you and correct my own mistakes.
Now, however, I see I can't. I met you, hoping that I could continue hating you and not turn my hatred inward to the one it was supposed to be aimed at. But I've lost the ability to hate you; being around you has changed my heart as much as the seasons, and now the hatred I felt had become something much different. I told myself I could never love anyone again, but you ripped that idea to shreds.
You have taught me how to………
There is something you must know; I left to stop an attack that was to be sent upon you today. That was why Enishi came yesterday, to alert me to the fact that the attack's date had been pushed forward without my word. I'm going to try to convince Tatsumi to stop, to save you. Iizuka is the spy that has been passing information from the Ishin Shishi to the Shogunate armies as to your identies; but there was also another spy.Your father has been capable of sending information on the Ishin Shishi to them as well. Tatsumi and your father want you dead, that is why I'm going to try and change their minds. You do not need to die yet; there is so much that you've been denied in this life, and I will not allow anyone to steal that from you.
There is more to this, but I do not have the strength to write it out to you now. My diary will explain it to you, so do read it. Still, realize that my emotions have changed so much from the beginning entries. You have taught me me how to love again.'
The paper was blotted with crossed out words and running ink, but the words stuck out and hit Kenshin deeply as he read them. Tomoe had been plotting against him, but she hadchanged her mind. She had fallen in love with him, as he had been falling in love with her, even though that emotion had been forbidden from the beginning. He had destroyedher life, and yet she still was trying to protect him.
There were so many secrets and so many lies; but the raw emotion present in Tomoe's letter was enough to tell Kenshin her true intentions. But he felt anger toward her still; she was walking into a trap and did not even realize it. If his father was there and a part of all this, then there was much more to the plan than she was being told, and she was in more jeopardy than himself.
Without even taking the time to think, Kenshin dressed quickly, taking a hold of his katana and wakizashi in a single movement. Bounding out the door of his home, he looked down into the snow for Tomoe's footprints. They would lead him as far as he needed to go. The rage within him built with each step, clouding his mind with deeply rooted hatred.
If anything happened to Tomoe, and if was his father´s cause……….
Then Kenshin would not rest until he was dead.
Author's Notes: Well, yes, this is kind of short for how long it took me to write and I apologize, but it was a last minute decision on my part to separate the substance of this chapter into two different parts. Thanks to Maeve Riannon for agreeing to help me edit the chapter, it means a lot. Now everyone else, please do let me know what you think.
Love and hugs—
Crystal Renee