Disclaimer: I do not own the Gilmore Girls show, books, characters, or any products or merchandise affiliated with it.
A/N: Here is a new chapter! Hehee! REVIEW! This is a strictly G rated story. I don't believe in pre-marital relations and none of that will be implied or included in any of my stories. Thanks.
I found that I, once again, could not concentrate on my book no matter how hard I tried. I have read the same paragraph over and over again, but the words never seem to penetrate my sub-coconscious. Of course I have tried to convince myself that it wasn't the fact that Jess was sitting about half a foot away from me. It had nothing to with the fact that I was head over heels in love with him and that I was the only one that knew about it… or so I think.
I find myself thinking about this Jess/Dean dilemma again. Honestly I just wish that he understood that I truly do love him but that I'm too scared of the unknown to give up my comfortable relationship with Dean.
Wow. I just admitted that I'm scared. I'm not scared of Jess or even of hurting Dean. I'm scared that if we date and we break up, which could be a strong possibility, since we are so very different, that I would lose him forever. I don't know if we could stay friends if I actually ever kissed him. Oh sure, Dean has his suspicions that I might have kissed Jess before, but in truth I haven't. I always knew that I was to scared to lose Dean to kiss Jess. Plus I'm not the cheating kind. The only way that I would ever kiss Jess is if I was single and got the guts to actually chance losing his friendship. And I don't know if I will ever be able to risk that.
I know that Jess seems like an 'I don't care about anything' kind of guy, but in reality he's not. The truth of the matter is, I think that Jess is truly scared to open up to other people. Underneath his sarcastic comments and tough act, he's scared. He has been hurt so many times it's hard for him to be himself around other people. But not me, I don't know why he has let me take a peek at his heart, but he has, and that is one of the reasons that I love him so much. He has truly been who he is with me. He is sensitive and nice. He is caring and kind. He love's to read just as much as I do. And I hope that he loves me just as much as I love him.
As I look at him sitting right beside me staring at the water, I wonder how much I hurt him everyday that I stay with Dean, when I know and that he knows that I don't truly love Dean. I stay with him because it's comfortable. Dean puts no demands on me. He doesn't challenge me to be a better person or to stand up for myself. My time is my own. The one thing that is his biggest fault and that annoys me so bad is the fact that he is madly jealous of Jess. And I suppose that that is reasonable. He can probably see what I am so bad at hiding. I love Jess. I don't know if anyone else realizes that, but I wonder if Dean truly does know. Maybe he just stays in a relationship with me, because it's comfortable. We hardly ever see one another. Really the only way you could say that we are boyfriend and girlfriend, is that we hang out and call ourselves that. Really we are friends and nothing more. I hardly ever even kiss Dean. Maybe it would be better to just dump him today. But where would that leave me? Without a so-called boyfriend and nothing to stop me from having a relationship with Jess. But can I date Jess? Can I truly risk our friendship? The same question comes to mind every time I think about this. Why am I not surprised?
As I think these last few thoughts, Jess senses my gaze upon him and slowly raises his head to smile at me. I give a small smile back and pick up my book once again.
A/N: What did you guys think? Please leave a review and let me know! Please keep all reviews clean and G rated. Thanks.