Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of X-Men, they are Marvel characters. Owned by Stan Lee I believe. This is just a fanfic.

See, I woke up today with no idea of what would happen. I wandered half dressed outside and picked up the newspaper from my doorstep, groggy from of sleep after doing exercise videos all night. The paper got my attention. The headline said it all.

"LOGAN, AKA WOLVERINE, PLANS TO HEAD TO HIS HOMETOWN TODAY!"

His hometown is my town. The town I wake up in every morning, the town in which I've toppled over many a porta-potty, tp'd many a house, shot many a squirrel out of angry rampages. And in this same town, a hotty was about to arrive. Probably today.

I went straight to town after I dressed, I got a facial. I got a manicure. I almost got a boob job. But I ran out of money at that point. Oh well, who cares? I was going to get Logan.

It was the next day when they finally arrived. Luckily my botox had worn off and I could manage my face right. I watched the group land in their little jet. Out they came. There was Wolverine, Xavier, Jean Gray, Storm, and Nightcrawler. I growled as Jean stepped off the jet. She could go right back to living underwater for all I care. I would steal his affections away.

They came around to shake everyone's hands. I almost died when I touched his heavy metal and skin paw. It felt so wonderful. I could lick it I COULD EAT IT. I could put it in my closet and never let it out. And that was just his hand. He gave me a strange look, as I didn't let go right away.

I shook all the other hands except for Jean Gray. If I touched her I would tear her hand off. She could probably fix it. But I was not about to touch her and do something that might get that tight butted hot furry man mad at me.

That night I went to the house they were all staying with. I laughed with them as they played poker. I cried as they talked about close cuts with villains. I nodded my head as they talked about certain problems and how to solve them. They didn't know I was there, goodness I was using my telescope. What kind of nut do you think I am?

I crawled to the window as Wolverine went in to shower. Oh that well muscled hairy body. I wanted to go in there and wash him with soap. I wanted to brush his teeth. I wanted to dry his hair with a towel. Oh I wanted to.

But I went home instead.

The next day I was back there again. This time, he saw me. Oops. He got out of his morning shower and saw me. The whole group ran outside and stared at me threateningly. Was I a spy? They didn't know. What was I up to? I threw myself on the ground.

I'm so sorry! I just I love Wolverine so much! My dreams are filled with us cooking and playing with tiny birds together! I dream about our children! I dream about having our strange hairy child! I must have it! Please!

He raised an eyebrow at me. It was at that moment Jean Gray threw herself on top of him. Like she resisted all his advances until now when she felt she might lose him. "No Logan! I never told you how much I loved you! I only wanted to play hard to get because that's how the kids at the school did it!"

He looked at her as well. If that wasn't enough, Storm threw herself at him. She clung to his muscles and purred. "I loved you as well! I just never thought to tell you. I loved your cute butt in your uniform, I loved watching you fight. You wonderful beautiful man you!"

It was like people were not getting he was meant for me. Nightcrawler came up behind my beautiful Wolverine, snaking his tail up around Logan's head lovingly. He nuzzled his head, his voice shaking with fear. "No mine Logan! I have told you how much I loves you! If you ever leave I would nod live!"

"Enough!" Xavier growled at them as they purred over Wolverine and touched him places, trying for his affections. He did look uncomfortable. "I will not have you group of lovers making Logan uncomfortable! Let him choose."

They all went flying as Logan shoved them off in several different directions. He gave them each a speech. First, he went to Jean Gray. "When I wanted you, you rejected me. Every night you said no I had to use a magazine. I can't believe you lowered me to that." Next was Storm. "I'm sorry Storm, but I have seen the way Cyclops looks at you. You have caught his eye and though he was supposed to love Jean, he has confessed his dreams of you two together." He missed the little shy smile and kiss Storm passed onto Jean. Storm wasn't too sad. Then he went to Nightcrawler. "I'm sorry my haircut misleads you. But I am not gay."

And then that beautiful hunk came to me, embracing me and giving me a kiss that made my head spin. I wanted to bite off his lips and keep them for myself. But I didn't.

"Baby, let me show you just how hard my metal is." With that, he scooped me up, and we bounded to my house to make sweet sweet monkey love.