Faulkner: Yes, this took a looooooooong time. I had been writing it in bits
and pieces during classes. You're all lucky Mister We're-all-lazy-bums-and-
never-gonna-make-it-through-life-let-alone-his-class Wilder didn't catch
me. He would have taken it, read it, and then thrown it away. Also, I'm
rather slow at typing things off of paper. But here it is.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It had been a week since my last midnight practice with Orophin, and since then Celeborn (bless his immortal soul) had gotten Haldir to continue my training. Now I wasn't bored anymore and stuck inside to mostly study Elvish. Not that I didn't like the language (it was very pretty after all) it was just that it got rather dull after a few hours. Practicing the same words and sentences over and over and over again. It was bad enough that I had to stay inside pretty much all day. I mean, it was *only* a broken arm. yeesh, I wasn't made outta glass!
And that night I couldn't sleep too well. I kept tossing and turning and I felt really hot, the room was stiffling. Finally I growled in frustration and tossed my covers off.
"That's IT. I'm going for a walk!" I announced to the completely empty room. Yes, that was pointless, but boredom for a long time will do things to people.
I put on my nice, warm hoodie since it would most likely be chilly outside, and my shoes before goign down the steps and stopping. I looked around and saw that most everybody else was already asleep. One of the things I found weird about Elves was that none of them were night-owls. None liked to stay up late and just walk around or do stuff.
I started walking and didn't really pay much attention to where I was going, except for looking at the scenery. I hadn't really had much time to look around since I had gotten here. Most everyday I had to rush to make it to lessons on time.It was definitely different from the Institute in that aspect. We never had to rush because, well, there wasn't anyplace to go. We were cooped ip inside half the time, and only the 'trustworthy' and/or 'mellow' ones were allowed outside.
I shook my head and grinned at myself. I sure was trying hard to get all depressed. I really needed to lighten up.
I concentrated on the flora around me. The only things that I had really noticed were the trees. The mellyrn were giant, gray trunked, with branches that swept upwards at the end of the limbs. The leaves were always green, except in Autumn, where they turned gold. And they never really fell off the trees either. At least that's what Rumil told me. Either he's pullin' my leg, or it's the truth. And since this is a rather, ahem, magical place I'm inclined to actually believe him.
Moving right along......
Everything was green around here (except for the mellyrn turnks and branches). It looked to me like a veritable rainforest. All they were missing was the exotic animals and the vines trying to choke other plant life. Not to mention the rain, of course. Not that it didn't rain here, it most definitely did for everything to grow here as it did. i just hadn't *seen* it rain yet.
I came out of my thoughts when I heard a noise. I looked around and realized suddenly where my feet had led me.
Straight for the stables.
I heard another noise, this one I recognized to be a horse whinny. What harm would it do if I just checked things out? just a quick look-see to make sure everything's going okay. Besides, the horses could do more harm to me than I could to them. Herumor sure did show me that.
I cautiously opened the door and peeked my head inside. It was quiet now. I could see the vague outlines of buckets and horse noses sticking out of stalls. When one such horse suddenly snorted I just about jumped ten feet in the air. Dang equines had it in for me. It was a conspiracy.
For lack of something better to do, I walked inside and left the door open some to let in a little light. Even so, I ran right into a lantern that was hanging on a hook.
"Son of a....." I rubbed my forehead, glaring at the guilty lantern. Then an idea hit me, just like the lantern had. "Genius, Einstein. Why didn't I think of it before?"
I carefully pulled the lantern off it's hook (those things were deceitfully light-looking) and set it on the ground. I rubbed my hands together gleefully and ever so gently pulled the glass case off. I touched the top of the wick, concentrated a little.... and voila! We have light!
I put the glass over it again and went over and shut the stable door. With my luck somebody would think I was a thief and shoot me or run me through with one of those wicked-looking swords. Just thinking about those things gave me the heeby-jeebies. To think what some grade A psycho could do if he got his hands on one of them. Not that it was very likely.
i picked up the lantern and walked odnw the aisle of the stalls. Whenever I peeked inside one, the horse was asleep with eyes half-shut and a hind leg slack. None of them woke when I shined a light inside, and I think that's a good thing. Not that I was going around putting a bright light in all of their eyes. i mean, how would I like it if someone walked into my talan and stuck a lantern in my face? That would be pretty rude. I may be sorta frightened of horses, but that didn't mean I didn't respect them.
I abruptly stepped in front of a familiar stall. I heard a snort, then a stomp come from within. I slowly turned and shined the lantern inside so I could get a better look.
Herumor was staring straight at me. His dark eyes seemed to nearly swallow all the light. His coat was darker than the shadows themselves. It was all together a very freaky sight. I might've wet my pants if I had accidentally come upon him in some dark forest someplace.
I narrowed my eyes at him and glared. This damn horse tossed me, scared me half to death, and..... and something else, but I'm so mad at him I can't think of it at the moment.
"You an me are gonna have a talk, mister." I pointed at his face. "You tossed me off and made me break my arm. Haldir just about had hissy-fit over it." I cocked my head to one side and sorta smiled. "Though it was kinda nice that he cared. He came to visit me a few times." and then I went off into La-La Land for a minute or so.
I shook my head and got myself back into the present.
"Now, you listen up. I want to get a few things straight with you. We're gonna be working together for a while, and I would appreciate it if a few changes were made." He snorted and pawed at the ground. "Like THAT! You're grown up for Pete's sake! An adult! I'm the only one around here that's allowed to cop an attitude." He shook his head and snorted again.
I threw up an arm and set the lantern on a nearby hook. "You're hopeless. I *try* to start a truce with ya, but noooo." I crossed my arms and glared at him.
"You're despicable." I growled. "And that's NOT meant as a compliment either."
Herumor stuck his head over the stall door and, I swear to the Valar, he *grinned* at me. Grinned! The horse had the nerve to GRIN! And might I insert that those teeth really needed to be brushed, and bleached, and a few tic-tacs wouldn't go astray. Hell, maybe a couple of the little box thingys would be better.
"You're hopeless." I deadpanned. "Absolutely, completely, hopelessly hopeless. And most likely proud of it, ain'tcha?" He nickered. I plopped myself down on a nearby bale of hay across from his stall. I stared at him. He stared back. The flame of the lantern flickered and made strange shadows on the walls, ceiling, and floor. One of Herumor's ears twitched.
"Boo."
I jumped off the bale of hay and made a strange gurgling noise. I guess I had tried to scream or smoething, but I don't scream. Screaming was for sissies, and a sissy I was not. I prided myself in not screaming when everybody else was losing their voice in terrror.
Nope, I did not scream. But I nearly pissed my pants. It was not much better than screaming, I guess. But at least nobody knew about it unless there was a wet spot in your pants. Always remember, yellow in front, brown in back. And I bet that was just too much information, ne? Just don't puke *your* guts out and start screaming. Heh heh.
Getting back on topic, I landed fairly well on the ground (with dry pants for those curious few). I whirled around, ready to either slap kick or punch whoever the wise-guy was, and there he was standing with a sadistic grin and his arms cross.
Haldir. Bloody stick-up-the-ass.
"Well, well, well. Who do we have here? Going to try some midnight horse- riding as well?" Incidentally, Celeborn had told him about my practicing at night. Thankfully, my pleading and groveling with him prior to this had convinced him not to spill the beans on who my accomplice was. For that Orophin was extremely grateful, and willing to do anything to repay the debt. Some very strange thoughts came to mind at that, but I kept my yap shut.
"Go stuff yourself." I stuck my tongue out at him. "I couldn't sleep again tonight."
"And you think the horses will you a lullaby?" he asked.
I rolled my eyes. "I don't think I'll reply to that comment."
He shrugged. "Suit yourself." He watched me for a few seconds.
"What? Something on my face?" I brushed my hand over my face and looked at it. Nope, nothing. "Got a staring problem or what?"
"Why can't you sleep during the nights? You're awake more than you sleep. You could go to the healers and get something to help you sleep."
"No." I replied quickly. "A person should be able to go to sleep on their own. It's not natural to have to drink some nasty stuff to have to sleep." I shivered.
I remembered the needles, the restraints. I remembered the darkness that would creep up out of nowhere and slowly plunge me into nothing. I remember waking up in the mornings in a cold sweat, straining at my bindings. I remember that I *couldn't* remember much of what had happened before except for a menacing face and a thin needle, the liquid softly glowing in the moonlight streaming in from the window.
I snapped back to reality when Haldir put a hand on my shoulder and lightly shook me.
"Narya? Narya, are you all right?"
I stepped out of his grasp and nodded.
"Yeah. Fine. Just peachy." Herumor whickered and nudged my shoulder with his velvety soft nose. I turned around and slowly started to pet it.
"What's this? A change of heart? I knew I could change your mind." I told him softly. "I always was a good negotiator. Taylin always said I could talk the birds outta the trees. But then again, Taylin was always a softy." I felt sad all of a sudden. "Taylin would've liked you. He had a thing for all sorts of animals. He was a critter kinda guy."
It wasn't fair that I had gotten out, and the others didn't. What mentally unhinged ones there were, didn't deserve the treatment they got. It was a place that people wouldn't suspect of any funny business. And if they did, who would care? It was just a nut-house, a place where your average everyday psycho stayed for a long long time or for permanent.
"What happened there?"
Haldir spoke softly. I couldn't hear any of the usual sarcasm or snarkiness in his voice. This was the Haldir I knew from the waterfall.
"A lot of crazy shit. Stuff that was like a persons own hell. At first glance, it was normal. But once you looked beneath the surface, you'd see things that you wish you hadn't seen. It wasn't paradise. It wasn't a place where a person could be quietly insane and talk to the voices. Stuff happens. And a lot of it was goin' down there."
Petting an animal, (dog, cat, horse, whatever) was very soothing. Calmed the nerves. I had heard that doctors prescribed it to really stressed out folks. If I ever got to see those doctors, I think I'd like to shake their hands. Smart guys, some of them.
"It wasn't the best place in the world to grow up. But I lived and learned. I got by, and then one night I escaped. Of course they came after me. They wouldn't let anyone escape if they could help it. I was chased for a good while before I finally lost them. I went to sleep, and when I woke up I found myself here. Quite a novelty, if you ask me. But I'd rather be anywhere here than there."
I could feel his eyes on me, watching me. I hated rambling and spilling my guts. It was like offering up a sacrifice to heathen gods. If they accepted it, everything would be hunky-dory. If they denied it and got pissed, life wouldn't be the same until you managed to appease them. If you managed to appease them, that is.
"Come. Let's get you back to your talan. You should at least try to sleep tonight." I patted Herumor's nose one last time before turning to follow Haldir.
I noticed he had taken the lantern and when we got to the main doors, he blew out the light and set it on the very same hook I had gotten it from. Then he led me down the paths to my talan, where he climbed up with me. I sat on the bed while he pulled out one of my two chairs and sat in it. Facing me of course.
"Why can't you sleep at night?" he asked.
I shrugged and kicked off my shoes. He grimaced at my sloppyness.
"Nightmares most times. Sometimes I just can't seem to get my brain to slow down." I shrugged. "I never did sleep real well." I pulled off my hoodie and got up to set it on the coat hooks. "It's not a sickness or anything of the sort. I just don't sleep well."
I went over to the bed and flopped down.
"What do you have nightmares about?" What was this, the Spanish Inquisition?
"A lot of things." I rolled over onto my stomach and burried my head in the pillow. My next words came out all muffled, but I was sure he could hear them. Elven ears, after all. "Sometimes about the Institute and it's........ atmosphere. Sometimes just regular confusing as all get-out nightmares. Nuthin' special."
I think he nodded, but I wasn't certain since I couldn't see him.
"I'll leave you to your rest then." I heard the chair scrape against the floor and felt more than heard his moving across the room towards the door. He hesitated before really leaving though.
"You would...... tell me if things got to be too much for you? Wouldn't you?"
I rolled onto my back and sat up. He was staring at me rather intently.
I slowly nodded.
"Yeah. I would tell ya."
He nodded and then was abruptly gone.
I felt bad. I had lied to him. I couldn't tell him, or anyone really, about the nightmares. They scared me so much, practically reducing me to tears. There were some things that I just couldn't tell, no matter what you did, who did it, and at any price. It was something I would take to my grave.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on them. I started rocking back and forth, trying to console myself for what I had just done. Lying to one of the few friends that I had here.
"I don't love how you love
But please don't leave me here alone
I don't feel how you feel
Well it's my fault I'm bones
I don't die how you die
I can't just waste away
You keep changing your life
Every day."
I hated lying to people that I knew and cared about. It wasn't right to lie to friends. It wasn't right to lie to family members.
//"They're going to make everything better sweetie. Just listen to the nice doctors."//
"If it burns I'll keep fueling the same dream
If you fall I'll remember to save game
I don't want your remedy
I don't fall how you fall
I won't hold on, you can't let go
When it's pain that I feared
I made you take it slow
I don't cry how you cry
There's nothing left in me
You keep changing my life
Every day."
They had lied for so long, so long. I had trusted them, believed them every time, and they had betrayed me. How it had stung when one night I had finally realized what was going on. How it burned my stomach and made my heart feel like it would rip in two. Betrayal. It was only one word, but it encompassed so many feelings.
"If it burns I'll keep fueling the same dream
If you fall I'll remember to save game
I don't want your remedy
If it burns I'll keep fueling the same dream
If you fall I'll remember to save game
I don't want your remedy
I don't want
I don't need
I don't want
Remedy, yeah
I don't want, remedy yeah."
And now, I had just betrayed Haldir's trust. Would he feel the same burning in his stomach? The same pain as if his heart was being torn in two? Even little lies like the one I had just told could escalate into something bigger. I knew, because I had seen it happen. No good came of it.
"If it burns I'll keep fueling the same dream
If you fall I'll remember to save game
I don't want your remedy
If it burns I'll keep fueling the same dream
If you fall I'll remember to save game
I don't want your remedy."
Why couldn't I have a normal life? Why couldn't Galadriel have stayed here and let me be? Why couldn't somebody else have gotten these thrice-dammed powers!! I don't WANT THEM!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Faulkner: that song was Remedy, by Cold from Year of the Spider. Eh, I'm in a crappy mood. Sorry for all this angst. But doesn't it give my character some, well.... character? I know, that was cheap. For those waiting for the next chapter of my other story, you'll have to wait a bit longer. I should have really been working on that one instead of this one, but inspiration was knocking for Free 2 Be Me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It had been a week since my last midnight practice with Orophin, and since then Celeborn (bless his immortal soul) had gotten Haldir to continue my training. Now I wasn't bored anymore and stuck inside to mostly study Elvish. Not that I didn't like the language (it was very pretty after all) it was just that it got rather dull after a few hours. Practicing the same words and sentences over and over and over again. It was bad enough that I had to stay inside pretty much all day. I mean, it was *only* a broken arm. yeesh, I wasn't made outta glass!
And that night I couldn't sleep too well. I kept tossing and turning and I felt really hot, the room was stiffling. Finally I growled in frustration and tossed my covers off.
"That's IT. I'm going for a walk!" I announced to the completely empty room. Yes, that was pointless, but boredom for a long time will do things to people.
I put on my nice, warm hoodie since it would most likely be chilly outside, and my shoes before goign down the steps and stopping. I looked around and saw that most everybody else was already asleep. One of the things I found weird about Elves was that none of them were night-owls. None liked to stay up late and just walk around or do stuff.
I started walking and didn't really pay much attention to where I was going, except for looking at the scenery. I hadn't really had much time to look around since I had gotten here. Most everyday I had to rush to make it to lessons on time.It was definitely different from the Institute in that aspect. We never had to rush because, well, there wasn't anyplace to go. We were cooped ip inside half the time, and only the 'trustworthy' and/or 'mellow' ones were allowed outside.
I shook my head and grinned at myself. I sure was trying hard to get all depressed. I really needed to lighten up.
I concentrated on the flora around me. The only things that I had really noticed were the trees. The mellyrn were giant, gray trunked, with branches that swept upwards at the end of the limbs. The leaves were always green, except in Autumn, where they turned gold. And they never really fell off the trees either. At least that's what Rumil told me. Either he's pullin' my leg, or it's the truth. And since this is a rather, ahem, magical place I'm inclined to actually believe him.
Moving right along......
Everything was green around here (except for the mellyrn turnks and branches). It looked to me like a veritable rainforest. All they were missing was the exotic animals and the vines trying to choke other plant life. Not to mention the rain, of course. Not that it didn't rain here, it most definitely did for everything to grow here as it did. i just hadn't *seen* it rain yet.
I came out of my thoughts when I heard a noise. I looked around and realized suddenly where my feet had led me.
Straight for the stables.
I heard another noise, this one I recognized to be a horse whinny. What harm would it do if I just checked things out? just a quick look-see to make sure everything's going okay. Besides, the horses could do more harm to me than I could to them. Herumor sure did show me that.
I cautiously opened the door and peeked my head inside. It was quiet now. I could see the vague outlines of buckets and horse noses sticking out of stalls. When one such horse suddenly snorted I just about jumped ten feet in the air. Dang equines had it in for me. It was a conspiracy.
For lack of something better to do, I walked inside and left the door open some to let in a little light. Even so, I ran right into a lantern that was hanging on a hook.
"Son of a....." I rubbed my forehead, glaring at the guilty lantern. Then an idea hit me, just like the lantern had. "Genius, Einstein. Why didn't I think of it before?"
I carefully pulled the lantern off it's hook (those things were deceitfully light-looking) and set it on the ground. I rubbed my hands together gleefully and ever so gently pulled the glass case off. I touched the top of the wick, concentrated a little.... and voila! We have light!
I put the glass over it again and went over and shut the stable door. With my luck somebody would think I was a thief and shoot me or run me through with one of those wicked-looking swords. Just thinking about those things gave me the heeby-jeebies. To think what some grade A psycho could do if he got his hands on one of them. Not that it was very likely.
i picked up the lantern and walked odnw the aisle of the stalls. Whenever I peeked inside one, the horse was asleep with eyes half-shut and a hind leg slack. None of them woke when I shined a light inside, and I think that's a good thing. Not that I was going around putting a bright light in all of their eyes. i mean, how would I like it if someone walked into my talan and stuck a lantern in my face? That would be pretty rude. I may be sorta frightened of horses, but that didn't mean I didn't respect them.
I abruptly stepped in front of a familiar stall. I heard a snort, then a stomp come from within. I slowly turned and shined the lantern inside so I could get a better look.
Herumor was staring straight at me. His dark eyes seemed to nearly swallow all the light. His coat was darker than the shadows themselves. It was all together a very freaky sight. I might've wet my pants if I had accidentally come upon him in some dark forest someplace.
I narrowed my eyes at him and glared. This damn horse tossed me, scared me half to death, and..... and something else, but I'm so mad at him I can't think of it at the moment.
"You an me are gonna have a talk, mister." I pointed at his face. "You tossed me off and made me break my arm. Haldir just about had hissy-fit over it." I cocked my head to one side and sorta smiled. "Though it was kinda nice that he cared. He came to visit me a few times." and then I went off into La-La Land for a minute or so.
I shook my head and got myself back into the present.
"Now, you listen up. I want to get a few things straight with you. We're gonna be working together for a while, and I would appreciate it if a few changes were made." He snorted and pawed at the ground. "Like THAT! You're grown up for Pete's sake! An adult! I'm the only one around here that's allowed to cop an attitude." He shook his head and snorted again.
I threw up an arm and set the lantern on a nearby hook. "You're hopeless. I *try* to start a truce with ya, but noooo." I crossed my arms and glared at him.
"You're despicable." I growled. "And that's NOT meant as a compliment either."
Herumor stuck his head over the stall door and, I swear to the Valar, he *grinned* at me. Grinned! The horse had the nerve to GRIN! And might I insert that those teeth really needed to be brushed, and bleached, and a few tic-tacs wouldn't go astray. Hell, maybe a couple of the little box thingys would be better.
"You're hopeless." I deadpanned. "Absolutely, completely, hopelessly hopeless. And most likely proud of it, ain'tcha?" He nickered. I plopped myself down on a nearby bale of hay across from his stall. I stared at him. He stared back. The flame of the lantern flickered and made strange shadows on the walls, ceiling, and floor. One of Herumor's ears twitched.
"Boo."
I jumped off the bale of hay and made a strange gurgling noise. I guess I had tried to scream or smoething, but I don't scream. Screaming was for sissies, and a sissy I was not. I prided myself in not screaming when everybody else was losing their voice in terrror.
Nope, I did not scream. But I nearly pissed my pants. It was not much better than screaming, I guess. But at least nobody knew about it unless there was a wet spot in your pants. Always remember, yellow in front, brown in back. And I bet that was just too much information, ne? Just don't puke *your* guts out and start screaming. Heh heh.
Getting back on topic, I landed fairly well on the ground (with dry pants for those curious few). I whirled around, ready to either slap kick or punch whoever the wise-guy was, and there he was standing with a sadistic grin and his arms cross.
Haldir. Bloody stick-up-the-ass.
"Well, well, well. Who do we have here? Going to try some midnight horse- riding as well?" Incidentally, Celeborn had told him about my practicing at night. Thankfully, my pleading and groveling with him prior to this had convinced him not to spill the beans on who my accomplice was. For that Orophin was extremely grateful, and willing to do anything to repay the debt. Some very strange thoughts came to mind at that, but I kept my yap shut.
"Go stuff yourself." I stuck my tongue out at him. "I couldn't sleep again tonight."
"And you think the horses will you a lullaby?" he asked.
I rolled my eyes. "I don't think I'll reply to that comment."
He shrugged. "Suit yourself." He watched me for a few seconds.
"What? Something on my face?" I brushed my hand over my face and looked at it. Nope, nothing. "Got a staring problem or what?"
"Why can't you sleep during the nights? You're awake more than you sleep. You could go to the healers and get something to help you sleep."
"No." I replied quickly. "A person should be able to go to sleep on their own. It's not natural to have to drink some nasty stuff to have to sleep." I shivered.
I remembered the needles, the restraints. I remembered the darkness that would creep up out of nowhere and slowly plunge me into nothing. I remember waking up in the mornings in a cold sweat, straining at my bindings. I remember that I *couldn't* remember much of what had happened before except for a menacing face and a thin needle, the liquid softly glowing in the moonlight streaming in from the window.
I snapped back to reality when Haldir put a hand on my shoulder and lightly shook me.
"Narya? Narya, are you all right?"
I stepped out of his grasp and nodded.
"Yeah. Fine. Just peachy." Herumor whickered and nudged my shoulder with his velvety soft nose. I turned around and slowly started to pet it.
"What's this? A change of heart? I knew I could change your mind." I told him softly. "I always was a good negotiator. Taylin always said I could talk the birds outta the trees. But then again, Taylin was always a softy." I felt sad all of a sudden. "Taylin would've liked you. He had a thing for all sorts of animals. He was a critter kinda guy."
It wasn't fair that I had gotten out, and the others didn't. What mentally unhinged ones there were, didn't deserve the treatment they got. It was a place that people wouldn't suspect of any funny business. And if they did, who would care? It was just a nut-house, a place where your average everyday psycho stayed for a long long time or for permanent.
"What happened there?"
Haldir spoke softly. I couldn't hear any of the usual sarcasm or snarkiness in his voice. This was the Haldir I knew from the waterfall.
"A lot of crazy shit. Stuff that was like a persons own hell. At first glance, it was normal. But once you looked beneath the surface, you'd see things that you wish you hadn't seen. It wasn't paradise. It wasn't a place where a person could be quietly insane and talk to the voices. Stuff happens. And a lot of it was goin' down there."
Petting an animal, (dog, cat, horse, whatever) was very soothing. Calmed the nerves. I had heard that doctors prescribed it to really stressed out folks. If I ever got to see those doctors, I think I'd like to shake their hands. Smart guys, some of them.
"It wasn't the best place in the world to grow up. But I lived and learned. I got by, and then one night I escaped. Of course they came after me. They wouldn't let anyone escape if they could help it. I was chased for a good while before I finally lost them. I went to sleep, and when I woke up I found myself here. Quite a novelty, if you ask me. But I'd rather be anywhere here than there."
I could feel his eyes on me, watching me. I hated rambling and spilling my guts. It was like offering up a sacrifice to heathen gods. If they accepted it, everything would be hunky-dory. If they denied it and got pissed, life wouldn't be the same until you managed to appease them. If you managed to appease them, that is.
"Come. Let's get you back to your talan. You should at least try to sleep tonight." I patted Herumor's nose one last time before turning to follow Haldir.
I noticed he had taken the lantern and when we got to the main doors, he blew out the light and set it on the very same hook I had gotten it from. Then he led me down the paths to my talan, where he climbed up with me. I sat on the bed while he pulled out one of my two chairs and sat in it. Facing me of course.
"Why can't you sleep at night?" he asked.
I shrugged and kicked off my shoes. He grimaced at my sloppyness.
"Nightmares most times. Sometimes I just can't seem to get my brain to slow down." I shrugged. "I never did sleep real well." I pulled off my hoodie and got up to set it on the coat hooks. "It's not a sickness or anything of the sort. I just don't sleep well."
I went over to the bed and flopped down.
"What do you have nightmares about?" What was this, the Spanish Inquisition?
"A lot of things." I rolled over onto my stomach and burried my head in the pillow. My next words came out all muffled, but I was sure he could hear them. Elven ears, after all. "Sometimes about the Institute and it's........ atmosphere. Sometimes just regular confusing as all get-out nightmares. Nuthin' special."
I think he nodded, but I wasn't certain since I couldn't see him.
"I'll leave you to your rest then." I heard the chair scrape against the floor and felt more than heard his moving across the room towards the door. He hesitated before really leaving though.
"You would...... tell me if things got to be too much for you? Wouldn't you?"
I rolled onto my back and sat up. He was staring at me rather intently.
I slowly nodded.
"Yeah. I would tell ya."
He nodded and then was abruptly gone.
I felt bad. I had lied to him. I couldn't tell him, or anyone really, about the nightmares. They scared me so much, practically reducing me to tears. There were some things that I just couldn't tell, no matter what you did, who did it, and at any price. It was something I would take to my grave.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on them. I started rocking back and forth, trying to console myself for what I had just done. Lying to one of the few friends that I had here.
"I don't love how you love
But please don't leave me here alone
I don't feel how you feel
Well it's my fault I'm bones
I don't die how you die
I can't just waste away
You keep changing your life
Every day."
I hated lying to people that I knew and cared about. It wasn't right to lie to friends. It wasn't right to lie to family members.
//"They're going to make everything better sweetie. Just listen to the nice doctors."//
"If it burns I'll keep fueling the same dream
If you fall I'll remember to save game
I don't want your remedy
I don't fall how you fall
I won't hold on, you can't let go
When it's pain that I feared
I made you take it slow
I don't cry how you cry
There's nothing left in me
You keep changing my life
Every day."
They had lied for so long, so long. I had trusted them, believed them every time, and they had betrayed me. How it had stung when one night I had finally realized what was going on. How it burned my stomach and made my heart feel like it would rip in two. Betrayal. It was only one word, but it encompassed so many feelings.
"If it burns I'll keep fueling the same dream
If you fall I'll remember to save game
I don't want your remedy
If it burns I'll keep fueling the same dream
If you fall I'll remember to save game
I don't want your remedy
I don't want
I don't need
I don't want
Remedy, yeah
I don't want, remedy yeah."
And now, I had just betrayed Haldir's trust. Would he feel the same burning in his stomach? The same pain as if his heart was being torn in two? Even little lies like the one I had just told could escalate into something bigger. I knew, because I had seen it happen. No good came of it.
"If it burns I'll keep fueling the same dream
If you fall I'll remember to save game
I don't want your remedy
If it burns I'll keep fueling the same dream
If you fall I'll remember to save game
I don't want your remedy."
Why couldn't I have a normal life? Why couldn't Galadriel have stayed here and let me be? Why couldn't somebody else have gotten these thrice-dammed powers!! I don't WANT THEM!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Faulkner: that song was Remedy, by Cold from Year of the Spider. Eh, I'm in a crappy mood. Sorry for all this angst. But doesn't it give my character some, well.... character? I know, that was cheap. For those waiting for the next chapter of my other story, you'll have to wait a bit longer. I should have really been working on that one instead of this one, but inspiration was knocking for Free 2 Be Me.