Chapter 5

Author's Notes: I know this has taking some time to post the next chapter. But school is still my first priority. Hopefully the story continues to enthrall you.

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No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain woe, can show through

Behind Blue Eyes - Limp Bizkit

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I remember yesterday morning. The sweet whistling of the birds outside made sure I woke up peacefully. While the sunshine was touching my face, my eyes opened slowly and saw the beginning of a beautiful day. Even though I knew I had to get up, I enjoyed that moment. It was the day of ending my work at the SGC. After that day my new life would start. Not that I would be entirely gone. In case of an emergency, I would still offer my services as a 'tactical advisor'. The General had made clear that the scientists now working in the lab could use some of my help. His exact words were: "A call to Denver isn't too difficult to make." That was the easy part of the deal. The other wasn't 'that' simple. I would leave SG-1.

As I thought, Janet kept hopping around, making sure the party of that night would be perfect. She made no secret of it. The base would know what they let go. Daniel was rather quiet. We talked a bit, here and there were we bumped into each other. I could have sworn he did it on purpose. Little chats, about the past and present. He didn't talk about Pete. Every time his name was brought up, he changed the subject or made his excuse. I knew Daniel wasn't so keen on Pete, because basically he pictured him as the guy who made me leave them. I don't blame him. Even Teal'c don't think high of him. But Teal'c is Teal'c. He doesn't say a thing, but sometimes, at unguarded moments, he has this look in his eyes that reflects what he really thinks. When Teal'c came to my lab, inviting me to lunch with him and 'the rest of the guys', my emotions were hard to keep under control. I couldn't speak and my eyes were filled with tears. But when I noticed the table was only occupied by Daniel en Janet, I should have expected something was wrong.

And I have a letter in my pocket to prove it. Not to mention the strong, confusing feelings I'm having right now. First day of the new life and look at the mess it already is.

Inside my house there is suspicious smell. 'A man in the kitchen' I sigh, but I know I'm not that better with any food.

"Why today? Why now?" I hear him grumble. The eggs disappear in the trashcan and the pan looks suspiciously not like a pan anymore. "Nothing goes right!"

"What's wrong?" I've never seen him this nervous.

When he faces me, he looks rather angry. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong," His features went dark. "You didn't come home last night, I was worried sick. I've to be in Denver in less than four hours. My suitcase is nowhere to be found. The eggs just burned. That's what wrong!"

Oh no! I forgot he has to leave today. He's always so punctual and correct when it comes to his work. And with my absence, he would be late to report.

"Calm down!" As good as I can to put up an other face, I try to hide my oblivion. "I'm here now." The look on his face is full of concern. Apparently, I gave him a good scare. "I'm sorry, Pete. I should have let you know."

His eyes are staring at me. "I was so worried."

"I know, I'm sorry." What more can I say?

We stand here in the kitchen, looking at each other. It occurs to me, we're not touching. Knowing this from my experience with Pete, every time we're near the other, we search contact. There was always that intimate touch. Now we're in the same room with three feet between us. I haven't even kissed him.

"I'll...make us some...eggs," I stutter, producing a little smile.

"I'll go search for my suitcase." There's no need to discuss this. We both know a further conversation won't help solve this tension between us.

God, what am I supposed to tell him? I've already lied to him and I don't think I can do that again. No. No more lies. Pete's a good man. He deserves the truth.

The truth. That he was the first man I saw when I had the feeling of loneliness and that he filled up that gap in my life? That he was the perfect opportunity only to proof myself that I am still a woman? Or that he was no more than a completion of this whole denial thing between me and the one who I thought was unattainable?

I'm not sure I want to tell him the truth.

I feel weak. The certainty I had let go all those forbidden feelings, doesn't seem so true anymore. It's a shock I feel tears making my cheeks wet. I clearly remember the day my cheeks were as wet as today. That one day on the Prometheus. Those events flare for my eyes. I was so alone. All those memories I tried to forget, are here still. Quickly I sit down before I've no strength left at all.

Déjà vu. I'm sitting here, alone, at a table. Only difference now is, Dad isn't here to tell me I'm unhappy and ... alone. Then it dawns on me. This letter shows how wrong my Dad was. And not only the letter.

"I will always be there for you."

I didn't need someone to solve my loneliness. It was right under my nose. Regulations weren't just an excuse. It kept my alone. That and our ignorance on the matter. Could that it? Was it that simple?

"What if I quit the airforce? Would that change anything or is that just an excuse?"

"I would ever ask you to give up your career."

We didn't have to ask each other to give up our career. We just had to decide what was more important, for ourselves, without the other. It was about faith. And I took it away from him. I showed him that my career was more important than him. Cause I chose to stay in the army and took the easy way out.

My hands shake. I've given up the fight against my tears. It is all so wrong.

A noise coming from the hallway startles me. Pete is standing next to the door. Stock-still, gazing me. I'm lost for words.

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TBC?