YES!!! I am BACK!!!! With yet more Ringy-misunderstoodness! It's getting
slightly grouchy now. I've been trying to write one for the Two Towers, but
it doesn't seem very long. I'll put it up anyway, at some point. So here we
are - the next thrilling instalment of the Secret Diary of the One Ring!
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING
IF YOU READ THIS, YOU SHALL BE TORTURED TO DEATH BY THE MOST TERRIFYING CREATURES IMAGINABLE.
YES, I WILL SET HOBBIT KIDS ON YOU.
I'M AN EVIL RING OF POWER, AREN'T I?
ENTRY 29
Great. NOW I feel wanted. Today there was a whole council discussing what the best way of killing me was.
It's discrimination. People just have it in for rings that contain their master's cruelty, malice and will to dominate all life.
Got to freak everyone out by making flames billow along me though. Seriously freaked out Big Eyes. Was hoping to scare him off, but he decided to take me to Mordor instead.
Maybe it's reverse psychology.
ENTRY 30
Have been holding to this course west of the Misty Mountains for forty days.
Am getting ever so slightly bored.
At least I'm on a nice silver chain now instead of in Big Eyes' conveniently ring-sized coat pocket.
Crebain from Dunland flew over. They look flashy, but the worst they can do is poo on your black cape when you're months away from the nearest drycleaners. As the Ringwraiths learnt.
Could have served to my advantage, but we now have an elf in the group. Stupid elves. Never liked them. Too difficult to turn to evil, especially since if you don't speak elvish, they consider you inferior. Would prefer to live with an elf than say, a dwarf. At least elves have discovered personal hygiene. Dread to think what lives in that dwarf's beard.
ENTRY 31
Halfway up random mountain, Big Eyes slips and goes a'tumbling down the slope. I fall off. The chain is in fact very tacky.
Get picked up random man in the Fellowship. Hmmm. Could be easier to convert than Greasy Hair, who is all about honour etc. Humongous Shield says that it's strange that they suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing.
It's nice to be appreciated for once.
ENTRY 32
Are now going to the Mines of Moria.
Wish Fellowship would make its mind up.
ENTRY 33
Mines of Moria v bleak, v gloomy and v tomblike, according to Humongous Shield. Apparently, there was a great massacre of dwarves there. For once, this was not my fault.
Feels v strange not being blamed for once. Nance Elf blamed goblins. Then Big Eyes was grabbed by massive monster thingy. Heard about him in Mordor. Doesn't get on very well with Sauron - apparently he ate his favourite goblin. Now he tried to eat me.
Not that it would have mattered. Ringwraiths would find me anyway, and world would be free from Big Eyes. But would not particularly enjoy method of leaving monster's possession. Ick.
ENTRY 34
Saw Gollum again. Apparently he hasn't got over me. Ought to get a restraining order.
ENTRY 35
Big Eyes nearly dies again.
Again, he is saved by something elvish.
Stupid elves.
How many lives has Big Eyes got? He's like a cockroach.
Goblins have become grossly incompetent when it comes to killing. I mean, fifty or so of them - plus a cave troll - versus nine fellowship members, four of whom can scarcely hold their swords the right way round. Must mention it when I get to Mordor.
Maybe suggest crossing orcs with cockroaches. Then they won't die so easily. Plus, antennae freak most people out.
Or maybe it's just me.
And Jo-Jo.
ENTRY 36
Oh dear, Big Schnozz fell into shadow.
Slow motion makes me feel nauseous. I mean, come on, he only FELL. He wasn't that great anyway.
He was basically a walking nose with eyebrows.
So where are we going now? Oh great, we're following Greasy Hair. Wish I'd brought more insurance.
ENTRY 37
Lothlorien.
More elves.
Ick.
What is with this world and elves?
ENTRY 38
Some blonde ugly elf said that they brought great evil there.
Must mean Frodo's BO. I mean, they wouldn't say that to my FACE.
Behind my back, granted. But not to my face. That's just out of order.
ENTRY 39
Great. Now we're STAYING with the elves.
Even if I do get back to Mordor, I'll never be able to show my face again. I mean, I STILL haven't been able to corrupt anyone. Not even Big Eyes, and he is exceedingly dim.
ENTRY 40
Big Eyes went and offered me to Flirty Wench.
Am going to need serious counselling when I get back to Mordor.
Flirty Wench went all freaky. Big Eyes' eyes got yet bigger, but I was thinking, 'Huh, yeah, am I supposed to be SCARED now?'
She was ranting about what she'd do, but then I reminded her 'Don't count your chickens before they've hatched'. This sobered her up a bit, but she didn't want me any more.
She only wanted me for my limitless power and strength.
Women.
Saw Nenya again. She had a bit of a thing for me once. We met at a Ring of Power orientation meeting.
ENTRY 41
Off down the Anduin. Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms seriously bugging me. Actually, everyone is.
Argonath. Two big statues. Big deal. You'd think they were symbolic or something by the rise in musical score.
Big Eyes looked impressed. But then again, everything looks big to a midget.
ENTRY 42
Nearly stolen by Humongous Shield. Nice to be fought over for a change instead of just being conspired against.
But Big Eyes goes and puts me on and then runs off, spineless little midget he is.
Of course, if was actually an invertebrate, he wouldn't be able to run much.
Hahahahahaha. Shut up brain, shut up.
Still, continuing to Mordor. What fun. We didn't even leave Mop Head behind.
Stupid Mop Head.
* * * * *
jedi-hobbit - OK. Done. Thanks!
Pixael28 - Thanks! Sorry I haven't put up any more of the Lord of the Things - The Two Glowers, I just don't think it's one of my better stories. Do you really want me to continue it?
KnowInSight - Yes, it is rather fascinating to see how a Ring of Power thinks, isn't it? You don't really think about it, but it has a pretty rough time...
Im a Brandybuck - Thanks! Well, the Ring might not know everyone else's names. Well, he might, but feels like making fun of them. Who knows? I don't, and I'm supposed to be writing this thing...
Pops - I do? That's so sweet! She rocks! I'll review your stories as soon as I can!
Cirfia - I did? Whoops.
Tanuki Yasha - That IS a lot of verys. 32 I think. And yes, I did realise, I was just in a grovelling mood.
Oddwen - Clever AND hilarious? Wow, now THAT'S a compliment! Thanks!
Gone-to-jarmadanga - Oh, it didn't sound good? What didn't sound good about it? I suck at writing summaries...
Aofyn - Thanks!
Matrix-Twin1 - I have written more! It's coming soon!
Anne Withane - I don't know where I got the character of the Ring from. Cute? Thanks! And thank you for not calling it sweet, that adjective is going to hound me to the end of my days... Why does everyone call me sweet?
Fairy-of-the-Lost - Thanks!
Megami no Inazumi - Some kind of genius? I love all these compliments! I'm not a genius though, believe me. My friends insist I am, but they're wrong! WRONG!!!!!
Mara - Aaaah, turning stories upside-down... one of the great joys of life...
Elfitchick - I hate slash. Some people have really sick minds...
Mako - Really? Wow! That's so cool, I love the Cassie Claire fics!
InterstellarDust - You're welcome! I can never watch movies in a serious manner any more...
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING
IF YOU READ THIS, YOU SHALL BE TORTURED TO DEATH BY THE MOST TERRIFYING CREATURES IMAGINABLE.
YES, I WILL SET HOBBIT KIDS ON YOU.
I'M AN EVIL RING OF POWER, AREN'T I?
ENTRY 29
Great. NOW I feel wanted. Today there was a whole council discussing what the best way of killing me was.
It's discrimination. People just have it in for rings that contain their master's cruelty, malice and will to dominate all life.
Got to freak everyone out by making flames billow along me though. Seriously freaked out Big Eyes. Was hoping to scare him off, but he decided to take me to Mordor instead.
Maybe it's reverse psychology.
ENTRY 30
Have been holding to this course west of the Misty Mountains for forty days.
Am getting ever so slightly bored.
At least I'm on a nice silver chain now instead of in Big Eyes' conveniently ring-sized coat pocket.
Crebain from Dunland flew over. They look flashy, but the worst they can do is poo on your black cape when you're months away from the nearest drycleaners. As the Ringwraiths learnt.
Could have served to my advantage, but we now have an elf in the group. Stupid elves. Never liked them. Too difficult to turn to evil, especially since if you don't speak elvish, they consider you inferior. Would prefer to live with an elf than say, a dwarf. At least elves have discovered personal hygiene. Dread to think what lives in that dwarf's beard.
ENTRY 31
Halfway up random mountain, Big Eyes slips and goes a'tumbling down the slope. I fall off. The chain is in fact very tacky.
Get picked up random man in the Fellowship. Hmmm. Could be easier to convert than Greasy Hair, who is all about honour etc. Humongous Shield says that it's strange that they suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing.
It's nice to be appreciated for once.
ENTRY 32
Are now going to the Mines of Moria.
Wish Fellowship would make its mind up.
ENTRY 33
Mines of Moria v bleak, v gloomy and v tomblike, according to Humongous Shield. Apparently, there was a great massacre of dwarves there. For once, this was not my fault.
Feels v strange not being blamed for once. Nance Elf blamed goblins. Then Big Eyes was grabbed by massive monster thingy. Heard about him in Mordor. Doesn't get on very well with Sauron - apparently he ate his favourite goblin. Now he tried to eat me.
Not that it would have mattered. Ringwraiths would find me anyway, and world would be free from Big Eyes. But would not particularly enjoy method of leaving monster's possession. Ick.
ENTRY 34
Saw Gollum again. Apparently he hasn't got over me. Ought to get a restraining order.
ENTRY 35
Big Eyes nearly dies again.
Again, he is saved by something elvish.
Stupid elves.
How many lives has Big Eyes got? He's like a cockroach.
Goblins have become grossly incompetent when it comes to killing. I mean, fifty or so of them - plus a cave troll - versus nine fellowship members, four of whom can scarcely hold their swords the right way round. Must mention it when I get to Mordor.
Maybe suggest crossing orcs with cockroaches. Then they won't die so easily. Plus, antennae freak most people out.
Or maybe it's just me.
And Jo-Jo.
ENTRY 36
Oh dear, Big Schnozz fell into shadow.
Slow motion makes me feel nauseous. I mean, come on, he only FELL. He wasn't that great anyway.
He was basically a walking nose with eyebrows.
So where are we going now? Oh great, we're following Greasy Hair. Wish I'd brought more insurance.
ENTRY 37
Lothlorien.
More elves.
Ick.
What is with this world and elves?
ENTRY 38
Some blonde ugly elf said that they brought great evil there.
Must mean Frodo's BO. I mean, they wouldn't say that to my FACE.
Behind my back, granted. But not to my face. That's just out of order.
ENTRY 39
Great. Now we're STAYING with the elves.
Even if I do get back to Mordor, I'll never be able to show my face again. I mean, I STILL haven't been able to corrupt anyone. Not even Big Eyes, and he is exceedingly dim.
ENTRY 40
Big Eyes went and offered me to Flirty Wench.
Am going to need serious counselling when I get back to Mordor.
Flirty Wench went all freaky. Big Eyes' eyes got yet bigger, but I was thinking, 'Huh, yeah, am I supposed to be SCARED now?'
She was ranting about what she'd do, but then I reminded her 'Don't count your chickens before they've hatched'. This sobered her up a bit, but she didn't want me any more.
She only wanted me for my limitless power and strength.
Women.
Saw Nenya again. She had a bit of a thing for me once. We met at a Ring of Power orientation meeting.
ENTRY 41
Off down the Anduin. Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms seriously bugging me. Actually, everyone is.
Argonath. Two big statues. Big deal. You'd think they were symbolic or something by the rise in musical score.
Big Eyes looked impressed. But then again, everything looks big to a midget.
ENTRY 42
Nearly stolen by Humongous Shield. Nice to be fought over for a change instead of just being conspired against.
But Big Eyes goes and puts me on and then runs off, spineless little midget he is.
Of course, if was actually an invertebrate, he wouldn't be able to run much.
Hahahahahaha. Shut up brain, shut up.
Still, continuing to Mordor. What fun. We didn't even leave Mop Head behind.
Stupid Mop Head.
* * * * *
jedi-hobbit - OK. Done. Thanks!
Pixael28 - Thanks! Sorry I haven't put up any more of the Lord of the Things - The Two Glowers, I just don't think it's one of my better stories. Do you really want me to continue it?
KnowInSight - Yes, it is rather fascinating to see how a Ring of Power thinks, isn't it? You don't really think about it, but it has a pretty rough time...
Im a Brandybuck - Thanks! Well, the Ring might not know everyone else's names. Well, he might, but feels like making fun of them. Who knows? I don't, and I'm supposed to be writing this thing...
Pops - I do? That's so sweet! She rocks! I'll review your stories as soon as I can!
Cirfia - I did? Whoops.
Tanuki Yasha - That IS a lot of verys. 32 I think. And yes, I did realise, I was just in a grovelling mood.
Oddwen - Clever AND hilarious? Wow, now THAT'S a compliment! Thanks!
Gone-to-jarmadanga - Oh, it didn't sound good? What didn't sound good about it? I suck at writing summaries...
Aofyn - Thanks!
Matrix-Twin1 - I have written more! It's coming soon!
Anne Withane - I don't know where I got the character of the Ring from. Cute? Thanks! And thank you for not calling it sweet, that adjective is going to hound me to the end of my days... Why does everyone call me sweet?
Fairy-of-the-Lost - Thanks!
Megami no Inazumi - Some kind of genius? I love all these compliments! I'm not a genius though, believe me. My friends insist I am, but they're wrong! WRONG!!!!!
Mara - Aaaah, turning stories upside-down... one of the great joys of life...
Elfitchick - I hate slash. Some people have really sick minds...
Mako - Really? Wow! That's so cool, I love the Cassie Claire fics!
InterstellarDust - You're welcome! I can never watch movies in a serious manner any more...