Sorry this has taken so long, but I didn't go and see ROTK that many times in the cinema (only 3! Shock horror!) so I was waiting for the DVD to come out. But anyway, it's here now. The first of the ROTK instalments. There won't anywhere near as big a gap between updates this time, so I'll see you all again soon!

THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING

STILL GOING TO MORDOR

STILL STUCK WITH HOBBITS

BUT STILL EVIL AND IRRESTIBLE, DANGIT

ENTRY 58

OK, now Big Eyes is starting to worry me. Staying up all night and staring at me in adoration.

I mean, it's nice to have the attention and everything, but...

ENTRY 59

So we're STILL going to Mordor? It's getting so old.

ENTRY 60

Am yet to tempt Mop Head into trying to take me. Dammit. Must try harder.

ENTRY 61

I can't believe this! I corrupt elves, kings, sons of Stewards and Big Eyes with little trouble, but I can't corrupt Mop Head??

Why? Why? Why?

ENTRY 62

Gollum really sucks at keeping plots secret. I mean, staring at himself and repeating his 'brilliant' plan over and over again, just so that Mop Head can hear it... how thick can you get?

And Big Eyes and Mop Head had another fight. I think this relationship's heading for the rocks.... How sad.

Not. NyyeeeeoooowwwwKERSPLATT! Hehehehe.

ENTRY 63

Minas Morgul! It seems ages since I last saw it.

Actually, just one Age. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Good to see that Sauron got the green backlight fixed – adds an ethereal creepy vibe. Presence is everything when it comes to evil, you know. Would the Ringwraiths have been so scary if they were riding on pretty white ponies with pink bows? Actually, they might have been even more terrifying...

But still, it was perfect for freaking out Big Eyes. I hope the Witch King doesn't mind us just turning up like this...

ENTRY 64

Damn! Damn Mop Head! Why did we have to bring him? I mean, all he does is stop Big Eyes from failing his quest! Useless! Useless! From an evil point of view, of course.

Why couldn't he have brought Humongous Shield instead? Or even Nance Elf, I could have corrupted him by offering endless supplies of miruvor and elven shampoo...

ENTRY 65

Oh, I see the Witch King has got himself a massive army. Well, go him.

So he can summon armies of about 200,000 orcs and trolls, but he can't get his act together and rescue me from these idiot hobbit-midgets?

ENTRY 66

I can't believe this. The Witch King just flew right past me. And didn't even notice.

Maybe he's deliberately not finding me. Oh no, he's not holding the fact that I controlled his own Ring of power and turned him into a slave of Sauron against me, is he? I thought we were past that.

ENTRY 67

Hahahahahaha. Big Eyes has to climb the stairs. I just get a nice lift up on the chain round his neck.

It's great fun making myself suddenly heavier, just when he's lifting his foot onto the next step.

Keep it up, and I'll probably send him plummeting downwards to his death.

Actually, time it right, and I could probably get rid of Mop Head at the same time. Kill two hobbits with one stone.

One stone of extra weight, that is. Ha! Ha! Ha! I kill me.

ENTRY 68

Can't Big Eyes get a longer chain for me? Or at least button up his shirt all the way? I keep falling out and tempting Gollum. I mean, I know that that would probably lead to my retrieval by the Ringwraiths, but please, I like a challenge. Can't Big Eyes make it slightly harder for me?

Speaking of challenges, Mop Head continues to resist. Gaargh.

What does he want? I've offered power, I've offered riches... Wait a minute.

ENTRY 69

Am finally making headway. "Mooop Heeeaaad... I'll give you some big fat golden chips with a nice piece of fried fiiish..." He looked interested.

Har har. I can keep my reputation of being irresistible.

ENTRY 70

Big Eyes and Mop Head have broken up. I knew it would happen eventually. Especially with my wonderful powers of corruption working on Mop Head AND Gollum.

And anyway, it would take a real superhero to be able to put up with Big Eyes for this long. Mop Head just ain't got it in him.

But please! Leaving Mop Head in tears? How teen movie behaviour is THAT?

ENTRY 71

So Gollum is leading Big Eyes to his inevitable, messy death.

About damn time.

ENTRY 72

Poor, poor naïve Big Eyes. Hmmm. You've been led into an obvious trap – a dark cave, with sticky walls, and bodies littered everywhere – and it still takes a considerable amount of time for him to realize that he's been tricked.

ENTRY 73

Here comes the big spider! Run, Big Eyes, run!

ENTRY 74

Argh. I didn't MEAN it. Big Eyes needs to take a few lessons in sarcasm.

ENTRY 75

After cat fight of the century, Big Eyes managed to push Gollum off a cliff.

I'm not getting my hopes up. Being pushed off a cliff seems to be a very unreliable cause of death in Middle-earth.

ENTRY 76

Actually, I hope the same philosophy applies lest Big Eyes does actually reach Mount Doom.

But what are the chances of that happening? About as much chance as there is of... of... Nance Elf defeating an oliphaunt all by himself. Ha! Ha! Ha!

ENTRY 77

OH HELL, that actually is a very big spider.

Arachnophobia is a common problem in Rings of Power... I know that at least half of the dwarven rings had it, and Vilya certainly did.

ENTRY 78

Big Eyes is dead! Huzzah! Now just wait for the spider to eat Big Eyes, and leave me behind, and wait to be found by orcs...

Wait a minute. Is that –

ENTRY 79

STUPID, STUPID MOP HEAD!

ENTRY 80

Oh great. So not only did Mop Head defeat Big-Ass spider, but he also decided to claim it for his own.

And just when orcs turned up as well!!

I really must stop being picked up by unlikely hobbits in mountain paths when orcs are nearby!

ENTRY 81

I can't believe this. I just can't believe this.

So Big-Ass spider has been defeated. Gollum's taken a little tumble off the cliff. Mop Head is now armed with an elvish weapon. He is also now the Ringbearer. On the outskirts of Mordor. That's all cataclysmic enough.

BUT BIG EYES IS ALIVE????

ENTRY 82

I need a holiday... I wonder whether Isengard has vacationing facilities?

-

We leave the One Ring just as the hobbits enter book 3. I still think it's weird that the hobbits only reach book 3 halfway through the third film. But I can see why Peter Jackson did it... uh... that's not interesting. What you want is callouts. Right. So here they are.

Im a Brandybuck – A Ring with a face. Hmm. Yes, I can actually picture that... it looks weird...

Sword of Dragon Fire – Thanks!

Megami no Inazumi – Damn! That's another person who's died while reviewing! Is there some sort of epidemic?

Jack Cole – Wow, thanks! I have read those, and I can't believe someone thinks mine are better than those... whoa... Thanks! Oh, I already said that, didn't I... ummm...

insane werewolf luva – Hmm, Aragorn's a possibility. Maybe. And no offence, but you probably are insane to love a werewolf... they have four legs and carnassial teeth, after all...

Matrix-Twin1 – Oh. No, I haven't seen that. And thanks very much!

Littlefurryscrubcreature – I'd say the Matrix and the Lord of the Rings are about as different as you can get. Except maybe the Matrix and Clueless, or the Lord of the Rings and Bring It On. Cheerleaders in Middle-earth... eeuuuuuurrrggh.

Zadie-Rainstar – Thanks!

KnowInSight – Thanks! Yay, it rocks!

Elfitchick – Oooh, Gollum, that's a good idea. I probably will do one for him.

Gilraen Ar-Feiniel – And Sam, I guess I'll do one for Sam at some point. Hm, a funny Sam diary without slash... sounds like a challenge. And you think Frodo looks hot at that point?? I thought he looked – well, slightly weirder than he normally does.

Reasonably Crazy – Hey! I did last update this before ROTK came out! Whoa, that's a much longer wait than I thought it was... sorry everyone... but I'd already read the books anyway. Anyway. Um. Sorry for the long wait. (hands out muffins)

Alocin – Again, I had no idea it had been so long since I'd updated! Arrgh! (hands out more muffins)

OBG – Thanks!

ThePinkPanther – Heh... sorry... well, ten months is very soon in scientific terms...

Lady Lanet – Thanks!

Acantha – I try not to give up on fics- (CONSCIENCE: Except for 'Big Hobbit', and 'Casualty, Rivendell', and-) SH! But I wouldn't give up on this one, it's way too much fun to write. Bouquet of muffins? You mean they're actually GROWING somewhere??? (runs out to find the Mystic Muffin Bush of Chocolateyness)

Joanne Butcher – Hi! You weren't there last Saturday! You missed us making up a play based on the Aeneid!

KaguyaEvenstar – Neither did I, actually.

Alcie – Hehe, thanks! I just felt a bit sorry for the One Ring at one point. "Um, hello? I am actually here? Can you stop talking about me as if I'm not? HELLO?"

Cinnamonflamez – Yay for LOTR!

Pointy Ears Are My Thing – (gasp) Not Hugh! A CD can't be Hugh! A name means that it has a soul! And a CD with a soul could RULE THE WORLD! The One CD to Rule Them All – called Hugh! Bwahahahahaha – um – OK, what was THAT all about?

Anonymous – It's not that difficult, is it? I tried to give them names like their characters.

Wildfire41 – Thanks!

Elfpoet – Hehehe. Yes, I think I will do one for Aragorn. That would be cool. 'Got crowned today. As soon as I get a crown, what does Legolas do? He gets a tiara! Always has to go one better. Silly elf.'

Lady Shinimegami – I don't rule much yet. I haven't even bought my mini- country. I've visited it, and it's still for sale, but I'd have to buy it, and get it turned into a country... not to mention getting the Canadian geese nearby to be my private army.

Aaserene – Umm... no, ten months isn't soon at all. Oops.

Yes I am a psychopathic moron from a galaxy far far away with plots to rule the world... oops you didn't hear that – Well, I don't think there are any going spare right now...

The Arwen Police – Thanks! I want a tamagotchi...

Bev Baudelaire – I haven't given up! I've just been... uh... extremely lazy.

Alionae – That is weird. Well, it is an elvish chain, and those elves don't do things by halves.

I will be back! I promise! I will update the final chapter! Have faith! If I don't, may kittens come and sit on my head until I do so! Doesn't sound bad, but I'm really allergic to cats...

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS... aka ME...

First of all, I've started writing a Pokemon story in conjunction with Bulma Greenleaf – check our joint account, under the name Wob-Wobs United, to read it. Of course, if you don't like Pokemon, don't bother...

Second of all, I've started a message board for the Official Fanfiction University of Troy, coming soon, so please go and check that out! The link is on my bio!

Third of all, all of the stories in this massive update of mine were dedicated to everyone in the world who have been taking exams recently. Congratulations! You made it through them! Now RELAX! That is an order, dagnabbit! An order from the Wob-Wobs, no less!