Author's Note: First off, I'd like to say that I didn't end chapter 3 the
way I wanted to. When I saw the previews for last week's episode I assumed
it was Harm's baby based on Catherine's comments to him. Thus, I needed to
quickly throw those two in bed together pronto. That's the last time I
base a fic in this series on previews, but I'm not going to change the
ending because of Harm's comments to Catherine's mother. I'm hoping this
will explain the direction I took in that chapter to a lot of people. I
never meant to get them together that quickly. Secondly, I don't believe
Harm when he told Mac he wasn't mad at her. So there will be some
fighting, brace yourself if need be. Lastly, I finally was flamed by a few
people and that's awesome. All I ask is for the chance to explain my
reasoning to you, so please have an e-mail address so I can respond and
thank you for any feed back that's sent to me. I'm not going to retaliate
against anyone who flames me. I'm grateful for both kinds of feedback and
will treat both as such.
One more thing, because I assumed it was Harm's baby I had the next chapter ready to go based on that premise. Of course, that episode had me scrambling to reformat the entire thing. I'm debating whether or not to post it. Let me know if you want to read it. If I get enough responses, I'll post it, or at the very least e-mail it to you. Okay, enough said. Just remember I'll take feedback of any kind.
0050 ZULU
CATHERINE GALE'S APARTMENT
LANGLY, VIRGINIA
"Harm? What are you doing here?" I'm not really sure myself. I came here straight from the airport after I put Sarah up for the night.
"Can I come in?"
"Sure". Her apartment is small, but it has cozy atmosphere to it. "Can I get you anything?"
"No thanks, I came here to talk." Catherine looks uneasy about that, I don't blame her. What man goes around asking pregnant women if they'd like to start something serious? Especially when they're not the father of the baby. "Can we sit down?"
Catherine gestures to her couch, "Have a seat, I'll be back in a sec". Taking a seat, I'm thinking about what I want to say to her. I don't know if I should tell her about Maddie just yet. Being her legal guardian doesn't exactly make her family, but it was all I could think of. This way she gets to live her life, the way she wants to free from worrying about a dozen or so agencies that would threaten to take that away. She's in her teens, which means this will be a short-term thing anyway. I think I will tell her that I'm going back into the Navy. I called the Admiral on the way here, he told me to report in Monday morning. I'm hoping that I can at least get her consider the possibility of us.
Catherine comes back with a shawl wrapped around her. It must be a pregnancy thing because I don't think its cold in here. "What did you want to talk about?"
"I wanted to let you know that you were right." Catherine's eyes widen slightly, I think she thinks I came here to press her for a relationship. Apparently, an admission of guilt wasn't on her list of thing that I might say.
"About everything or..."
"About the instant family part, about the grasping for straws part." That was easier to say than I thought it would be, but it still hurts to admit to something like that.
"Is this what you were talking about with my mom?"
"Sort of." When her mom told me I didn't love her daughter, I was more shocked that she knew we weren't married than whether or not I loved her.
"Then why did you ask me for a relationship? You know you could do better." I don't know about that at all.
Now I'm staring at my hands, I can't look her in the eyes right now. I might crack if I do. "Because I liked being a part of your life, a part of your family. Even if it was only for one night." I probably sound like some kind of parasite latching on to them.
"Why?" At my questioning glance, she clarifies for me. "You've probably got tons of friends that consider you like family."
Not like her family, Bud and Harriet may be friends, but I'm not family. "I just wanted to be with people where I felt like I belonged."
I can hear Catherine's sigh, she's probably getting more information than she wanted to hear or expected to hear. "Harm I'm sure the people around you have made you feel like..."
"No!" I didn't even let her finish, I jumped off the couch, and now I'm pacing in front of her. She's going to get a lot more information now. "Don't you get it? Nobody wants me! People need me, but they don't want me." I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes, but I don't care. This has been a long time coming, but I refuse to cry in front of her. "Webb only uses me so long as I'm convenient for him. The Admiral asked me back to JAG because he needs me back, not because he wants me back. He'd let me crop dust for the rest of my life if he had that chance. Mac was over at my place because she needed a favor from me, not because she wanted to be there. People only tolerate me because they need me around. They don't want me for me or if they do, they only like small parts about me, never the whole thing." I really hope the look on Catherine's face isn't pity, I don't know if I could take that right now. Now I know how Jen felt on that Christmas Eve night. Admitting this is absolutely crushing and I feel physically and emotionally drained. "I'm sorry, I, I should just go." I never took off my shoes and it's only two quick strides to the door, but something keeps me rooted in place.
"Harm please sit down." I comply, but I sit on the far end of the couch away from her. With my head buried in my hands, I can't see her, but I can feel her sliding closer to me. I can feel the tears falling into my palms as well. "Somebody in your past wanted you like that. If no one had then you wouldn't be reacting like this now because you wouldn't know what you were missing out on." Good, she isn't caving in to my emotional state. That would be a sure sign of pity. I'm sure rubbing my eyes isn't going to hide the tears, but I don't care.
"It's been a long time since then."
"Who was it?"
"My girlfriend."
"What happened that you aren't together now?"
"She was murdered. She was all I ever wanted." Losing Diane nearly broke me. Thank God for Meg. She's the only one who kept me sane.
Catherine waits for a moment; I think she's letting me collect myself. "Did you get the guy who did it?"
"Eventually."
"I suppose it was hard seeing him in court."
"He's dead." Catherine remains very still for a moment. She thinks I did it, she almost right. "He died in freak accident, just before we could get him." That's mostly true. Mac showing up wasn't going to stop me. I only paused to see who it was calling my name. I was still going to put a slug in his head. When he took that fall off the pier, I didn't feel the need to tell Mac my intentions. I didn't want her thinking that I could be that cold. The man murdered the love of my life; I wasn't about to let that go. What the hell am I thinking? Of course I wasn't going to tell her, my lips were busy doing something else.
"Why are you telling me all this?" I thought it was clear why I was doing this.
"I'm just trying to lay it all out there for you." Maybe I should tell her about Maddie. If Maddie is my instant family then I don't need Catherine in that capacity and then our relationship would just be about us. "But I'm trying to take care of some of those things."
"Like what?"
"The part about needing you to be my instant family."
"Harm we both know that's why you asked me for a relationship."
"Not anymore. You know that girl I worked for? Maddie?"
Catherine nods, "I think you mentioned her to me".
"Her mom died when she was ten, her dad ran off when she was 11. She's been running that crop dusting outfit of hers for almost three years now."
"So?"
"So I'm filing a petition to become her legal guardian."
Catherine's eyes have grown so wide that it's almost comical. "Harm, what the hell were you thinking? Do you know what you're getting yourself involved in? This is exactly what I'm talking about, you're..."
"Will you please stop and listen to me! Let me explain this to you." Catherine doesn't look pleased, but she's at least willing to let me have a crack at it. "First of all she's a good kid who deserves to have a normal life without having constantly look over her shoulder to see if some agency is going to take away everything she's worked so hard to build. She needs someone there to take care of her on the rare occasions when she doesn't want to be strong all the time. Besides, she's 14, in four more years she'll be an adult and on her own. Technically my responsibility for her would end there and right now I think we need each other."
Catherine's still doesn't look convinced or amused. "One question, why?"
"I told you why."
"No, you told me why she needs you. Why are you doing this?"
"I like the fact that she's someone who looks up to me. In a way she's like I was back then and I want to make the rest of her life a little easier than mine was. She's like a combination of a daughter and a little sister. She's someone I can influence for the better." It was amazing teaching her how to fly, well, letting her fly for now and the look on her face when we landed. She was so happy and I was so proud of her. It what I always imagined being a father might be like. Teaching your kids the various lessons in life and pride that you get from them and their achievements. "And I did it for you."
Catherine's mouth drops at my last reason as I expected it would. "What?"
"If Maddie is my instant family then I don't need you to be my family."
"Oh..." She looks confused and little hurt I think. She might have taken that as I'm rejecting her when that's not the case at all.
"Hey, don't get the wrong idea. I want you, but I only want you for you. Not because I need you to be my instant family."
"Why?" Good lord, doesn't she know by now?
"Because I think you'd make a great wife." There I said it, and it was easier than I thought it would be. I've never told anyone my intentions like that before. Mac said she liked guys who do that. I'm assuming Catherine might too... and she still hasn't said anything yet.
"What?" I'm getting tired of those one-word answers of hers.
"I'm serious Catherine, I'm getting too old to be wasting my time any woman who I think isn't wife material."
"And how do you know I am? You barely know me."
I'm sick of her saying that too. It makes us sound like strangers instead of the good friend she's become. "Let me tell you want I know about you. You're a beautiful, intelligent woman. And even though you could have make a ton of money being a civilian lawyer, you chose instead to serve your country the only way you knew how. You love your family, enough so that you would fake a marriage to a man you hardly knew at the time if you thought it would help your mother find peace. You're strong; you're willing and able to stand up to me and tell me what you think. Oh, and you're pregnant. Everything else I thought I could learn along the way." I know I'm making this difficult for her. If she says yes, she's not doing what she might think is right for her. If she says no, she might feel guilty about kicking me when I'm down. Then again, I don't want to make this an easy 'no' answer for her either.
"Did you say you were going back to JAG?" I just nod to her. She's changing the subject, but I don't have the energy to fight it. "What made you go back? The Admiral may need you back, but that doesn't mean you had to. I thought you were happy crop dusting."
Looking at her, I can't identify the look on her face. "I'm happier at JAG. It's where I can make the biggest difference." I am, I will be happier at JAG. I love the Navy. This will let me climb back into Tomcats and protect me from Sadik. He's still out there, I haven't forgotten that. I'm grateful to be getting back a part of what I risked to bring Mac home. Catherine mulls over that for a moment. I have no idea if that's going to make a difference to her... "Why did you come over to my place?" This just hit me and I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier.
"Excuse me?"
"Earlier, when you told... when you showed me that you were pregnant. Why did you come over? I'm not the father." Although I've actually found myself, wishing I were and she still won't tell me who it is. "And like you said; we barely know each other so why did you come to me?" This is going to be interesting to hear.
Catherine's facial expression doesn't disappoint. She starts and stops several times before composing herself. "I guess you're right about a few things too. We do know each other better than that." Finally, she admits it. "I came to you because I value your opinion." Spoken like a true lawyer, taking neither one side nor the other. "I don't have many friends and you're one of the few I can trust." Wonderful, now I'm going to get a 'Lets just be friends.' line. Even though I've rarely heard it, I hate that line. You know, I actually had these irrational hopes that she'd say she wanted my opinion or even me. "Harm, I know where you're trying to take this, but have you figured out what it is that you want yet?" Yes! Good Lord, what the hell have I been talking about all this time?
"Yeah, a wife, couple kids I guess. I'm glad I'm getting another chance to serve my country, but I want some stability in my life. No more big radical life changes." That's been my life for the last six months, radical life changes. Quit the Navy, rescued Mac, destroyed stingers, asked to take a hike by the Navy, picked up by the CIA, flew a pile of missions for them risking my life a dozen or more times in the process, canned by the CIA, crop dusted for a 14 year old of whom I'm going to become her legal guardian, and asked back into the Navy. I guess I've come full circle.
"Lets talk about that. A wife; what about Colonel MacKenzie, how come you don't want her?" Why does she want to talk about her? All this is going to do is drive Catherine away and stoke my anger at Mac. I wasn't aware of any look she gave Catherine. Maybe that's part of what's scaring her off.
"I did, and if she came out and said she wanted me I probably would again." Brutal honesty. I'm too tired to lie, or lie well right now.
"How do you know she doesn't?"
"She told me so. She said we were never going to work out."
"So how come it didn't?"
"I don't know, I thought my actions in Paraguay would have been enough to tell her how I feel about her."
"Harm if you cared for her..."
"No Catherine, if I only cared about her I wouldn't have gone Paraguay, I wouldn't have resigned my commission. If I cared about her I would've kept bugging the Admiral for information and stayed put like everyone else." And she would be dead now. "Don't you believe that actions speak louder than words?"
"Maybe she just needs to hear the words." She didn't answer my question.
"Catherine, by that token any asshole could lie to her at will and have her. What good are the words if you can't back them up?" Gotcha there didn't I? "And you still haven't answered my question."
Catherine nods her head, "Yes Harm, I believe that actions speak louder than words".
"Are you afraid that if you got into a relationship with me that you'd find out that I really wanted Mac more than you?"
"That's part of it." Damn you Mac, you've not only ended my hopes of being with you, but every other woman who comes into contact with you. Catherine's just the newest name of a list of girls I've dated that've feared my feelings for Mac were more than professional. This is the first time that it hasn't been true and it's killing me. Its time to go, we've said enough, anything more is just going to be counter productive.
"Where are you going?"
"Home. I think I've said enough for tonight."
"Harm don't leave here mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you, I'm just... saddened a bit. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad how I let my life become the mess that it is." Maybe a few months at JAG will clear up some things for me. "Catherine?" I'm putting my jacket back on, but I'm not going to go without telling her one last thing.
"Yes?"
"Mac and I are over. She's moved on, I'm trying to do the same, and I still want to make you a big part of my life."
Catherine gets up from the couch with a little difficulty I might add and crosses over to me. "Tonight was pretty rough, and thank you telling me what you did. It couldn't have been easy."
"I hear a 'but' somewhere in there."
"I still need time to think. You need to talk to Colonel MacKenzie and find out what's going on there. I got that look for a reason."
So, we're right were we started again. At least now, we understand each other better. "You need to do what's right for you, so take all the time you need. Mac and I don't talk much anymore, but I'll try for you."
"That's all I ask."
0214 ZULU
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA
Opening up my elevator door I see a slender form in a trench coat that could only belong to Mac. She really is beautiful; its too bad things didn't work out differently. She's leaning over something and writing something else down on piece of paper I think. "Mac?"
Mac quickly spins around. I must have startled her. "Harm, your home." By the tone in her voice I think she wanted to do this while I was gone.
"Got nowhere else to go."
"Um, the Admiral called me at JAG. Told me you were coming back, I was just leaving these files for you." That's what it was. There's three boxes of files sitting on the floor next the door. "The bulk of Commander Imes' old cases that need to be reviewed are in there. The rest are case files that we have yet to get at."
"I see, and you were going to leave confidential cases files and other classified materials in a public place for anybody to go through?" The expression on her face tells me she didn't even consider that possibility. "If something would've happened to them, it would have been my ass." I'm sure she was just trying to avoid a confrontation. She used to have key to my place, but she turned it in when we got back from Paraguay.
"I guess I wasn't thinking, long day." That's no excuse, but I'm not going to say anything. I have to work with her again; I need to play nice with her starting now.
"Help me carry them inside?"
"Sure".
Unlocking the door, I grab two of the boxes and walk inside. Mac follows me in with the last one and shuts the door behind her. Flipping the lid on one of the boxes I pull out a stack of files. I work on these tonight; it'll be better than stewing in here thinking about Catherine and woman next to me. "Would you like something to drink? I've got water and water, unless you have the time to wait for tea or coffee."
"Water's fine."
"Interesting reading?" When I turned back from the fridge Mac was leaning up against my table flipping through one of the files I pulled out.
"What? Oh, no this was the last case Carolyn tried against you." She waves the file around before setting it down. "Thanks." Mac takes the bottle of water and downs about a third of it.
"Sorry I couldn't help you out with Imes."
"That's alright, at least she isn't getting any brig time. Picking up the top few files off the stack, I sit down on my chair. When I look up Mac's staring at me intently. "Can I ask you something?" Oh please don't let this be another 'did you miss us, miss me, miss whatever' question.
"Shoot." Mac takes the chair next to me and I'm feeling uncomfortable already.
"In all the time we've known each other. When I defend a client, do I always use the conservative approach, take the safe position." This is even worse. Where in the hell did this come from? Most importantly, how do I tell her yes without hurting her feelings and getting her pissed off at me?
"What?"
"Do I take a safe position when I defend a client? Yes or no?"
This is a bad idea, "Yes. Yes you do."
"I win my share of cases."
"You also plea bargain more than any one at JAG." Shut up Harm, you're already digging a hole for yourself.
"I have to do what's in my client's best interests."
"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it."
"You didn't have to. You don't plea bargain, so any one who does is giving up in your book." I'm not sure how to feel about that. I don't remember caring about what she did in the courtroom.
"I don't care what you do in court. Its not my reputation on the line so its not my problem or my concern."
"Oh yes your reputation. Harmon Rabb controlled by his emotions and acts on impulse." Oh here we go. I can feel the fight building in me already.
"Well when was the last time you staked anything more than your time on your client? Because I can't even think of a single one."
The venom coming from Mac is almost as thick as syrup. "Your one to talk, when have you?" She's got to be absolutely fucking kidding me.
"Your uncle would be a great place to start." Shit, that smarts; Mac slapped me so fast I never saw it coming. It feels like my left eyeball wants to pop out of my head and my cheek stings.
"And look what it got him, twenty years in Leavenworth!"
"Better than the life sentence your boyfriend wanted to hand him." Oh, don't tell me she forgot Webb wanted his head on a pike. "I've lost count of how many people owe their careers, their lives to me because I risked either my job or my life for them. I will not argue this point with someone who refuses to stick her neck out for anyone unless it affects her personally. Frankly, I don't know why in hell you're asking me this in the first place. You knew what my answer was going to be."
"That's not important."
Oh, wow. Now I know why. "Somebody told you that."
"No one said anything of the kind." Liar.
"Oh yeah they did." It wasn't Bud; he'd never do that. The Admiral wouldn't use words like that. He'd just yell at her ineffectiveness. "Sturgis told you that didn't he?"
"We're not having this discussion."
Mac gets up to leave and manages to take a few steps towards the door, but I can't help myself. "What did you do to piss him off like that?"
Mac spins on her heel to face me. "Excuse me?" Give it up Mac, that super Marine pissed off look your giving me doesn't work anymore.
"Sturgis doesn't say things like that out of the blue. This has been going on for awhile now if he said something like that and riled you up like this."
Mac marches back to the table and stands over me. What are you going to do? Slap me again? "First of all it doesn't bother me, secondly it's none of your business."
Whoa, this is really bothering her. "Yes it does, and he told you more than what you just told me. Otherwise, you wouldn't be getting this upset. What did he say to get you this mad?" Mac's only response is to glare at me. That isn't going to stop me. "I can always ask Sturgis on Monday, I know he'll tell me."
"He called me sanctimonious and a prig." Hmmm, sanctimonious maybe, prig absolutely. Either way Sturgis is batting a thousand and currently has a death wish. Mac must have really irritated the shit out of him to drive him to that kind of resentment. "And you agree with him don't you?" What, because I don't have a snappy reply ready to go she automatically assumes I agree with him?
"I would have just gone with priggish."
"Your unbelievable."
"Why? Because it's the truth? You know, you have done some crazy, stupid- assed things in your life Mac, but not once has anyone at JAG ever judged you because of them. How does straightening out your life give you the right to judge others? How many times have I stood by you? Even when you left JAG and came back, even when you lied to me when I was trying to defend you, even when you came into JAG drunk and insulted me and my entire life, including my father. Even after all that I was always there for you."
"You're never going to let that go are you. Dalton had just died in front of me!" I'm not going to even argue that or her other supposed reasons.
"That's not the point, even now after all these years you refer to me as unpleasant to be around to the people at JAG. You called Sturgis a coward? What happened to you to make you like this? I don't know how you can claim that all those messages were your way of trying to get in touch with me. They sounded more like commands from you. Seven different messages to call Bud?" Three were about their new baby, two more about the christening. The last five were about cases that I'd left open when I left. "I'll bet Jennifer is more responsible for getting my job back than you are. How am I to interpret that?" My anger is fading fast; I don't have the energy to sustain this fight. The truth is too depressing. "One of my best friends didn't even put up a fight to keep me at JAG." My voice has dropped to a whisper; I'm tired of the yelling. I'm tired of hurting her too.
We've been sitting here quietly for about five minutes now. I can't believe she hasn't walked out yet. "Are we always going to be like this?"
Unfortunately, I think so, but I'm not giving up willingly. "Hope not, I want my friend back. I miss her."
"I've missed my friend too." Okay so we want our friendship back, now to make sure that's it and nothing more.
"Do you love him?" Mac's flashing me the deer-in-the-headlights look. "Do you love Webb?"
Mac stutters a bit, but she gets it out. "Yeah, I think I do."
"Good, then hang on to him." I am happy for her, she deserves some happiness in her life.
Mac looks so confused with my topic choice. "Why are you asking me this?"
"Because I need to make sure there will never be an us. I need to know that when one of us tells someone 'we're just friends', that it's the truth." I was hoping this was going to be easy to say, but Mac looks unsure of herself when all I want is a definitive yes or no response. Her hesitation only serves to enforce the notion that there will always be something between us.
Now she's frowning, "Does this have anything to do with Catherine Gale showing up at your door the other night?" I wish. That'd mean I'm a father.
"Not exactly, but she's not going to enter into a relationship with me until she knows the thing between us is dead and buried."
Mac's eyebrows nearly reach their peak. "Catherine Gale?" There she goes again. She's just found out and she's already questioning my choice in women.
"Yes Catherine Gale, and not one question about why. Just be happy for me that I've found someone to build a future with." This is an empty request of course, I don't care if she's happy for me or not. I'm going to do what makes me happy. I'm done with trying to please everyone else in my life.
"Then I'm happy for you." I'm not sure I believe her, but like I said, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm debating whether or not to ask her that we don't see each other outside of JAG, but I don't think I will. Catherine and I could use the time alone, well that is if she decides to give us a try, but Mac might blame Catherine if I did and get mad at her and that's not something I want regardless if Catherine says yes.
"So I'll see you Monday morning?" We spent another half an hour talking things over. I really think we're getting somewhere.
"Yep, bright and early." This feels good, our first steps towards rebuilding our friendship. I'm not going to get Mac in the romantic sense, but I'll settle for her friendship. Give me Sadik's head on a plate and I'll actually be happy about my little adventure to Paraguay. "See you later Mac."
"Bye." She waves back as I shut the door. That's always a good sign and remarkable as well considering how we were fighting not long ago. Walking over to the window I make sure she makes it to her car as I've always done before. After she drives off I plop down on my couch, those files are staring me in the face, but I'm not going to touch them. I'm sure the Admiral is going bury my ass in work when I get to JAG on Monday regardless of how much I did over the weekend. I think I'll give Catherine a call on Monday as well to let her know where Mac and I stand. I'd call sooner, but she needs her time to think things through. Its early, I'd call Sturgis and ask him about that beer, but my guess is that he's swamped with cases right now. Doesn't matter, I've got a back up plan ready. Reaching over I grab the phone and dial a number that'll never be listed in any directory.
"Hey, you got any good Air America stories handy?"
One more thing, because I assumed it was Harm's baby I had the next chapter ready to go based on that premise. Of course, that episode had me scrambling to reformat the entire thing. I'm debating whether or not to post it. Let me know if you want to read it. If I get enough responses, I'll post it, or at the very least e-mail it to you. Okay, enough said. Just remember I'll take feedback of any kind.
0050 ZULU
CATHERINE GALE'S APARTMENT
LANGLY, VIRGINIA
"Harm? What are you doing here?" I'm not really sure myself. I came here straight from the airport after I put Sarah up for the night.
"Can I come in?"
"Sure". Her apartment is small, but it has cozy atmosphere to it. "Can I get you anything?"
"No thanks, I came here to talk." Catherine looks uneasy about that, I don't blame her. What man goes around asking pregnant women if they'd like to start something serious? Especially when they're not the father of the baby. "Can we sit down?"
Catherine gestures to her couch, "Have a seat, I'll be back in a sec". Taking a seat, I'm thinking about what I want to say to her. I don't know if I should tell her about Maddie just yet. Being her legal guardian doesn't exactly make her family, but it was all I could think of. This way she gets to live her life, the way she wants to free from worrying about a dozen or so agencies that would threaten to take that away. She's in her teens, which means this will be a short-term thing anyway. I think I will tell her that I'm going back into the Navy. I called the Admiral on the way here, he told me to report in Monday morning. I'm hoping that I can at least get her consider the possibility of us.
Catherine comes back with a shawl wrapped around her. It must be a pregnancy thing because I don't think its cold in here. "What did you want to talk about?"
"I wanted to let you know that you were right." Catherine's eyes widen slightly, I think she thinks I came here to press her for a relationship. Apparently, an admission of guilt wasn't on her list of thing that I might say.
"About everything or..."
"About the instant family part, about the grasping for straws part." That was easier to say than I thought it would be, but it still hurts to admit to something like that.
"Is this what you were talking about with my mom?"
"Sort of." When her mom told me I didn't love her daughter, I was more shocked that she knew we weren't married than whether or not I loved her.
"Then why did you ask me for a relationship? You know you could do better." I don't know about that at all.
Now I'm staring at my hands, I can't look her in the eyes right now. I might crack if I do. "Because I liked being a part of your life, a part of your family. Even if it was only for one night." I probably sound like some kind of parasite latching on to them.
"Why?" At my questioning glance, she clarifies for me. "You've probably got tons of friends that consider you like family."
Not like her family, Bud and Harriet may be friends, but I'm not family. "I just wanted to be with people where I felt like I belonged."
I can hear Catherine's sigh, she's probably getting more information than she wanted to hear or expected to hear. "Harm I'm sure the people around you have made you feel like..."
"No!" I didn't even let her finish, I jumped off the couch, and now I'm pacing in front of her. She's going to get a lot more information now. "Don't you get it? Nobody wants me! People need me, but they don't want me." I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes, but I don't care. This has been a long time coming, but I refuse to cry in front of her. "Webb only uses me so long as I'm convenient for him. The Admiral asked me back to JAG because he needs me back, not because he wants me back. He'd let me crop dust for the rest of my life if he had that chance. Mac was over at my place because she needed a favor from me, not because she wanted to be there. People only tolerate me because they need me around. They don't want me for me or if they do, they only like small parts about me, never the whole thing." I really hope the look on Catherine's face isn't pity, I don't know if I could take that right now. Now I know how Jen felt on that Christmas Eve night. Admitting this is absolutely crushing and I feel physically and emotionally drained. "I'm sorry, I, I should just go." I never took off my shoes and it's only two quick strides to the door, but something keeps me rooted in place.
"Harm please sit down." I comply, but I sit on the far end of the couch away from her. With my head buried in my hands, I can't see her, but I can feel her sliding closer to me. I can feel the tears falling into my palms as well. "Somebody in your past wanted you like that. If no one had then you wouldn't be reacting like this now because you wouldn't know what you were missing out on." Good, she isn't caving in to my emotional state. That would be a sure sign of pity. I'm sure rubbing my eyes isn't going to hide the tears, but I don't care.
"It's been a long time since then."
"Who was it?"
"My girlfriend."
"What happened that you aren't together now?"
"She was murdered. She was all I ever wanted." Losing Diane nearly broke me. Thank God for Meg. She's the only one who kept me sane.
Catherine waits for a moment; I think she's letting me collect myself. "Did you get the guy who did it?"
"Eventually."
"I suppose it was hard seeing him in court."
"He's dead." Catherine remains very still for a moment. She thinks I did it, she almost right. "He died in freak accident, just before we could get him." That's mostly true. Mac showing up wasn't going to stop me. I only paused to see who it was calling my name. I was still going to put a slug in his head. When he took that fall off the pier, I didn't feel the need to tell Mac my intentions. I didn't want her thinking that I could be that cold. The man murdered the love of my life; I wasn't about to let that go. What the hell am I thinking? Of course I wasn't going to tell her, my lips were busy doing something else.
"Why are you telling me all this?" I thought it was clear why I was doing this.
"I'm just trying to lay it all out there for you." Maybe I should tell her about Maddie. If Maddie is my instant family then I don't need Catherine in that capacity and then our relationship would just be about us. "But I'm trying to take care of some of those things."
"Like what?"
"The part about needing you to be my instant family."
"Harm we both know that's why you asked me for a relationship."
"Not anymore. You know that girl I worked for? Maddie?"
Catherine nods, "I think you mentioned her to me".
"Her mom died when she was ten, her dad ran off when she was 11. She's been running that crop dusting outfit of hers for almost three years now."
"So?"
"So I'm filing a petition to become her legal guardian."
Catherine's eyes have grown so wide that it's almost comical. "Harm, what the hell were you thinking? Do you know what you're getting yourself involved in? This is exactly what I'm talking about, you're..."
"Will you please stop and listen to me! Let me explain this to you." Catherine doesn't look pleased, but she's at least willing to let me have a crack at it. "First of all she's a good kid who deserves to have a normal life without having constantly look over her shoulder to see if some agency is going to take away everything she's worked so hard to build. She needs someone there to take care of her on the rare occasions when she doesn't want to be strong all the time. Besides, she's 14, in four more years she'll be an adult and on her own. Technically my responsibility for her would end there and right now I think we need each other."
Catherine's still doesn't look convinced or amused. "One question, why?"
"I told you why."
"No, you told me why she needs you. Why are you doing this?"
"I like the fact that she's someone who looks up to me. In a way she's like I was back then and I want to make the rest of her life a little easier than mine was. She's like a combination of a daughter and a little sister. She's someone I can influence for the better." It was amazing teaching her how to fly, well, letting her fly for now and the look on her face when we landed. She was so happy and I was so proud of her. It what I always imagined being a father might be like. Teaching your kids the various lessons in life and pride that you get from them and their achievements. "And I did it for you."
Catherine's mouth drops at my last reason as I expected it would. "What?"
"If Maddie is my instant family then I don't need you to be my family."
"Oh..." She looks confused and little hurt I think. She might have taken that as I'm rejecting her when that's not the case at all.
"Hey, don't get the wrong idea. I want you, but I only want you for you. Not because I need you to be my instant family."
"Why?" Good lord, doesn't she know by now?
"Because I think you'd make a great wife." There I said it, and it was easier than I thought it would be. I've never told anyone my intentions like that before. Mac said she liked guys who do that. I'm assuming Catherine might too... and she still hasn't said anything yet.
"What?" I'm getting tired of those one-word answers of hers.
"I'm serious Catherine, I'm getting too old to be wasting my time any woman who I think isn't wife material."
"And how do you know I am? You barely know me."
I'm sick of her saying that too. It makes us sound like strangers instead of the good friend she's become. "Let me tell you want I know about you. You're a beautiful, intelligent woman. And even though you could have make a ton of money being a civilian lawyer, you chose instead to serve your country the only way you knew how. You love your family, enough so that you would fake a marriage to a man you hardly knew at the time if you thought it would help your mother find peace. You're strong; you're willing and able to stand up to me and tell me what you think. Oh, and you're pregnant. Everything else I thought I could learn along the way." I know I'm making this difficult for her. If she says yes, she's not doing what she might think is right for her. If she says no, she might feel guilty about kicking me when I'm down. Then again, I don't want to make this an easy 'no' answer for her either.
"Did you say you were going back to JAG?" I just nod to her. She's changing the subject, but I don't have the energy to fight it. "What made you go back? The Admiral may need you back, but that doesn't mean you had to. I thought you were happy crop dusting."
Looking at her, I can't identify the look on her face. "I'm happier at JAG. It's where I can make the biggest difference." I am, I will be happier at JAG. I love the Navy. This will let me climb back into Tomcats and protect me from Sadik. He's still out there, I haven't forgotten that. I'm grateful to be getting back a part of what I risked to bring Mac home. Catherine mulls over that for a moment. I have no idea if that's going to make a difference to her... "Why did you come over to my place?" This just hit me and I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier.
"Excuse me?"
"Earlier, when you told... when you showed me that you were pregnant. Why did you come over? I'm not the father." Although I've actually found myself, wishing I were and she still won't tell me who it is. "And like you said; we barely know each other so why did you come to me?" This is going to be interesting to hear.
Catherine's facial expression doesn't disappoint. She starts and stops several times before composing herself. "I guess you're right about a few things too. We do know each other better than that." Finally, she admits it. "I came to you because I value your opinion." Spoken like a true lawyer, taking neither one side nor the other. "I don't have many friends and you're one of the few I can trust." Wonderful, now I'm going to get a 'Lets just be friends.' line. Even though I've rarely heard it, I hate that line. You know, I actually had these irrational hopes that she'd say she wanted my opinion or even me. "Harm, I know where you're trying to take this, but have you figured out what it is that you want yet?" Yes! Good Lord, what the hell have I been talking about all this time?
"Yeah, a wife, couple kids I guess. I'm glad I'm getting another chance to serve my country, but I want some stability in my life. No more big radical life changes." That's been my life for the last six months, radical life changes. Quit the Navy, rescued Mac, destroyed stingers, asked to take a hike by the Navy, picked up by the CIA, flew a pile of missions for them risking my life a dozen or more times in the process, canned by the CIA, crop dusted for a 14 year old of whom I'm going to become her legal guardian, and asked back into the Navy. I guess I've come full circle.
"Lets talk about that. A wife; what about Colonel MacKenzie, how come you don't want her?" Why does she want to talk about her? All this is going to do is drive Catherine away and stoke my anger at Mac. I wasn't aware of any look she gave Catherine. Maybe that's part of what's scaring her off.
"I did, and if she came out and said she wanted me I probably would again." Brutal honesty. I'm too tired to lie, or lie well right now.
"How do you know she doesn't?"
"She told me so. She said we were never going to work out."
"So how come it didn't?"
"I don't know, I thought my actions in Paraguay would have been enough to tell her how I feel about her."
"Harm if you cared for her..."
"No Catherine, if I only cared about her I wouldn't have gone Paraguay, I wouldn't have resigned my commission. If I cared about her I would've kept bugging the Admiral for information and stayed put like everyone else." And she would be dead now. "Don't you believe that actions speak louder than words?"
"Maybe she just needs to hear the words." She didn't answer my question.
"Catherine, by that token any asshole could lie to her at will and have her. What good are the words if you can't back them up?" Gotcha there didn't I? "And you still haven't answered my question."
Catherine nods her head, "Yes Harm, I believe that actions speak louder than words".
"Are you afraid that if you got into a relationship with me that you'd find out that I really wanted Mac more than you?"
"That's part of it." Damn you Mac, you've not only ended my hopes of being with you, but every other woman who comes into contact with you. Catherine's just the newest name of a list of girls I've dated that've feared my feelings for Mac were more than professional. This is the first time that it hasn't been true and it's killing me. Its time to go, we've said enough, anything more is just going to be counter productive.
"Where are you going?"
"Home. I think I've said enough for tonight."
"Harm don't leave here mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you, I'm just... saddened a bit. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad how I let my life become the mess that it is." Maybe a few months at JAG will clear up some things for me. "Catherine?" I'm putting my jacket back on, but I'm not going to go without telling her one last thing.
"Yes?"
"Mac and I are over. She's moved on, I'm trying to do the same, and I still want to make you a big part of my life."
Catherine gets up from the couch with a little difficulty I might add and crosses over to me. "Tonight was pretty rough, and thank you telling me what you did. It couldn't have been easy."
"I hear a 'but' somewhere in there."
"I still need time to think. You need to talk to Colonel MacKenzie and find out what's going on there. I got that look for a reason."
So, we're right were we started again. At least now, we understand each other better. "You need to do what's right for you, so take all the time you need. Mac and I don't talk much anymore, but I'll try for you."
"That's all I ask."
0214 ZULU
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA
Opening up my elevator door I see a slender form in a trench coat that could only belong to Mac. She really is beautiful; its too bad things didn't work out differently. She's leaning over something and writing something else down on piece of paper I think. "Mac?"
Mac quickly spins around. I must have startled her. "Harm, your home." By the tone in her voice I think she wanted to do this while I was gone.
"Got nowhere else to go."
"Um, the Admiral called me at JAG. Told me you were coming back, I was just leaving these files for you." That's what it was. There's three boxes of files sitting on the floor next the door. "The bulk of Commander Imes' old cases that need to be reviewed are in there. The rest are case files that we have yet to get at."
"I see, and you were going to leave confidential cases files and other classified materials in a public place for anybody to go through?" The expression on her face tells me she didn't even consider that possibility. "If something would've happened to them, it would have been my ass." I'm sure she was just trying to avoid a confrontation. She used to have key to my place, but she turned it in when we got back from Paraguay.
"I guess I wasn't thinking, long day." That's no excuse, but I'm not going to say anything. I have to work with her again; I need to play nice with her starting now.
"Help me carry them inside?"
"Sure".
Unlocking the door, I grab two of the boxes and walk inside. Mac follows me in with the last one and shuts the door behind her. Flipping the lid on one of the boxes I pull out a stack of files. I work on these tonight; it'll be better than stewing in here thinking about Catherine and woman next to me. "Would you like something to drink? I've got water and water, unless you have the time to wait for tea or coffee."
"Water's fine."
"Interesting reading?" When I turned back from the fridge Mac was leaning up against my table flipping through one of the files I pulled out.
"What? Oh, no this was the last case Carolyn tried against you." She waves the file around before setting it down. "Thanks." Mac takes the bottle of water and downs about a third of it.
"Sorry I couldn't help you out with Imes."
"That's alright, at least she isn't getting any brig time. Picking up the top few files off the stack, I sit down on my chair. When I look up Mac's staring at me intently. "Can I ask you something?" Oh please don't let this be another 'did you miss us, miss me, miss whatever' question.
"Shoot." Mac takes the chair next to me and I'm feeling uncomfortable already.
"In all the time we've known each other. When I defend a client, do I always use the conservative approach, take the safe position." This is even worse. Where in the hell did this come from? Most importantly, how do I tell her yes without hurting her feelings and getting her pissed off at me?
"What?"
"Do I take a safe position when I defend a client? Yes or no?"
This is a bad idea, "Yes. Yes you do."
"I win my share of cases."
"You also plea bargain more than any one at JAG." Shut up Harm, you're already digging a hole for yourself.
"I have to do what's in my client's best interests."
"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it."
"You didn't have to. You don't plea bargain, so any one who does is giving up in your book." I'm not sure how to feel about that. I don't remember caring about what she did in the courtroom.
"I don't care what you do in court. Its not my reputation on the line so its not my problem or my concern."
"Oh yes your reputation. Harmon Rabb controlled by his emotions and acts on impulse." Oh here we go. I can feel the fight building in me already.
"Well when was the last time you staked anything more than your time on your client? Because I can't even think of a single one."
The venom coming from Mac is almost as thick as syrup. "Your one to talk, when have you?" She's got to be absolutely fucking kidding me.
"Your uncle would be a great place to start." Shit, that smarts; Mac slapped me so fast I never saw it coming. It feels like my left eyeball wants to pop out of my head and my cheek stings.
"And look what it got him, twenty years in Leavenworth!"
"Better than the life sentence your boyfriend wanted to hand him." Oh, don't tell me she forgot Webb wanted his head on a pike. "I've lost count of how many people owe their careers, their lives to me because I risked either my job or my life for them. I will not argue this point with someone who refuses to stick her neck out for anyone unless it affects her personally. Frankly, I don't know why in hell you're asking me this in the first place. You knew what my answer was going to be."
"That's not important."
Oh, wow. Now I know why. "Somebody told you that."
"No one said anything of the kind." Liar.
"Oh yeah they did." It wasn't Bud; he'd never do that. The Admiral wouldn't use words like that. He'd just yell at her ineffectiveness. "Sturgis told you that didn't he?"
"We're not having this discussion."
Mac gets up to leave and manages to take a few steps towards the door, but I can't help myself. "What did you do to piss him off like that?"
Mac spins on her heel to face me. "Excuse me?" Give it up Mac, that super Marine pissed off look your giving me doesn't work anymore.
"Sturgis doesn't say things like that out of the blue. This has been going on for awhile now if he said something like that and riled you up like this."
Mac marches back to the table and stands over me. What are you going to do? Slap me again? "First of all it doesn't bother me, secondly it's none of your business."
Whoa, this is really bothering her. "Yes it does, and he told you more than what you just told me. Otherwise, you wouldn't be getting this upset. What did he say to get you this mad?" Mac's only response is to glare at me. That isn't going to stop me. "I can always ask Sturgis on Monday, I know he'll tell me."
"He called me sanctimonious and a prig." Hmmm, sanctimonious maybe, prig absolutely. Either way Sturgis is batting a thousand and currently has a death wish. Mac must have really irritated the shit out of him to drive him to that kind of resentment. "And you agree with him don't you?" What, because I don't have a snappy reply ready to go she automatically assumes I agree with him?
"I would have just gone with priggish."
"Your unbelievable."
"Why? Because it's the truth? You know, you have done some crazy, stupid- assed things in your life Mac, but not once has anyone at JAG ever judged you because of them. How does straightening out your life give you the right to judge others? How many times have I stood by you? Even when you left JAG and came back, even when you lied to me when I was trying to defend you, even when you came into JAG drunk and insulted me and my entire life, including my father. Even after all that I was always there for you."
"You're never going to let that go are you. Dalton had just died in front of me!" I'm not going to even argue that or her other supposed reasons.
"That's not the point, even now after all these years you refer to me as unpleasant to be around to the people at JAG. You called Sturgis a coward? What happened to you to make you like this? I don't know how you can claim that all those messages were your way of trying to get in touch with me. They sounded more like commands from you. Seven different messages to call Bud?" Three were about their new baby, two more about the christening. The last five were about cases that I'd left open when I left. "I'll bet Jennifer is more responsible for getting my job back than you are. How am I to interpret that?" My anger is fading fast; I don't have the energy to sustain this fight. The truth is too depressing. "One of my best friends didn't even put up a fight to keep me at JAG." My voice has dropped to a whisper; I'm tired of the yelling. I'm tired of hurting her too.
We've been sitting here quietly for about five minutes now. I can't believe she hasn't walked out yet. "Are we always going to be like this?"
Unfortunately, I think so, but I'm not giving up willingly. "Hope not, I want my friend back. I miss her."
"I've missed my friend too." Okay so we want our friendship back, now to make sure that's it and nothing more.
"Do you love him?" Mac's flashing me the deer-in-the-headlights look. "Do you love Webb?"
Mac stutters a bit, but she gets it out. "Yeah, I think I do."
"Good, then hang on to him." I am happy for her, she deserves some happiness in her life.
Mac looks so confused with my topic choice. "Why are you asking me this?"
"Because I need to make sure there will never be an us. I need to know that when one of us tells someone 'we're just friends', that it's the truth." I was hoping this was going to be easy to say, but Mac looks unsure of herself when all I want is a definitive yes or no response. Her hesitation only serves to enforce the notion that there will always be something between us.
Now she's frowning, "Does this have anything to do with Catherine Gale showing up at your door the other night?" I wish. That'd mean I'm a father.
"Not exactly, but she's not going to enter into a relationship with me until she knows the thing between us is dead and buried."
Mac's eyebrows nearly reach their peak. "Catherine Gale?" There she goes again. She's just found out and she's already questioning my choice in women.
"Yes Catherine Gale, and not one question about why. Just be happy for me that I've found someone to build a future with." This is an empty request of course, I don't care if she's happy for me or not. I'm going to do what makes me happy. I'm done with trying to please everyone else in my life.
"Then I'm happy for you." I'm not sure I believe her, but like I said, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm debating whether or not to ask her that we don't see each other outside of JAG, but I don't think I will. Catherine and I could use the time alone, well that is if she decides to give us a try, but Mac might blame Catherine if I did and get mad at her and that's not something I want regardless if Catherine says yes.
"So I'll see you Monday morning?" We spent another half an hour talking things over. I really think we're getting somewhere.
"Yep, bright and early." This feels good, our first steps towards rebuilding our friendship. I'm not going to get Mac in the romantic sense, but I'll settle for her friendship. Give me Sadik's head on a plate and I'll actually be happy about my little adventure to Paraguay. "See you later Mac."
"Bye." She waves back as I shut the door. That's always a good sign and remarkable as well considering how we were fighting not long ago. Walking over to the window I make sure she makes it to her car as I've always done before. After she drives off I plop down on my couch, those files are staring me in the face, but I'm not going to touch them. I'm sure the Admiral is going bury my ass in work when I get to JAG on Monday regardless of how much I did over the weekend. I think I'll give Catherine a call on Monday as well to let her know where Mac and I stand. I'd call sooner, but she needs her time to think things through. Its early, I'd call Sturgis and ask him about that beer, but my guess is that he's swamped with cases right now. Doesn't matter, I've got a back up plan ready. Reaching over I grab the phone and dial a number that'll never be listed in any directory.
"Hey, you got any good Air America stories handy?"