Severus Snape sighed theatrically. "This infernal artifact has run out of ink again," he complained.
Alex looked up from her desk where she was poring over the Medicamentum Magicus, a vast tome of herbal potions ingredients. "Well, fill the inkwell again, Severus," she said reasonably. Snape had finally consented to begin the research that she had come to Hogwarts for in the first place. I can't believe it took more than a month just to get this far. She suppressed her own sigh of frustration. When Snape had, at last, agreed to go ahead with the research, she had wanted to get right to work brewing potions. He insisted her notes were incomplete. They aren't incomplete, she thought rebelliously, just a little...messy. Alex sighed again. She knew he had a point; she tended to rush ahead with a project. And if I want any hope of running clinical trials at St. Mungo's, everything has to be air tight.
So here they were in the potions lab, slaving away at the boring yet necessary aspects of potions research. Painstakingly boring. Bet he's enjoying this. Snape didn't appear to be enjoying what he was doing at the moment. He leaned over a table at the front of the room, adjusting the printer attached to her laptop. He cursed softly as he checked a plug. Alex chuckled. The printer was notoriously balky. "Need help with that ?" she asked him cheerily.
"No." He was annoyed. "Um, yes," he admitted reluctantly. "It says 'press enter to resume'. Well, I have. Repeatedly." He turned and glared at Alex, exasperated.
She crossed to the table. Snape stepped back, giving her plenty of room. He had been distant and formal since leaving her with a kiss that Friday night in September. It was as though the incident had never happened. Not that I mind, Alex told herself. The whole thing was probably a bad idea. For one thing, he's my boss, for cryin' out loud. Not to mention the average poltergeist has better social skills.
He drummed his fingers on the table. Alex adjusted the long roll of parchment, checked the cord attached to the otherwise ordinary-looking feather quill, and placed the tip of the quill precisely back where the line of flowing script had stopped. It stood magically balanced upright on the parchment when she let go of it. "I did all that already," Snape gritted impatiently.
Alex pressed the 'enter' key. Nothing happened. He gave her a triumphant look. "Told you."
Slowly and deliberately, she checked the laptop's battery with her wand. Running on magic instead of electricity, the computer still had plenty of power. Damn. I don't want to have to reboot. Alex shrugged. Here goes nothing, she thought, then brought the palm of her hand down hard on the table next to the parchment. The feather quill jumped, then began to write, gliding smoothly over the scroll. Well, almost smoothly. Once or twice on each line, the pen jerked, leaving an unsightly blot. "What we really need is a new printer," she remarked.
"The noise..." Snape complained. Rather than the sound one would expect, of pen scratching on parchment, the printer emitted a loud, high-pitched humming. At the end of every line, it squeaked as the quill was lifted, moved over, and dropped back at the beginning of the next line.
"It sounds a lot like a Muggle printer," Alex explained. "Something to do with the magic-technology interface, I guess. I've never really understood Thaumaturgy." She glanced over at the potions master. "This would be easier if you could learn to use the computer too," she remarked. "At least the data base and the spread sheet program. Oh well."
He glowered at her. "Are you implying that I cannot learn to use a computer, Miss Rose ?"
"Well, no, I suppose you could, if you had the time," she mused. "I dunno, though. You Brit mages have kept your world so completely separate from the Muggle world. This thing is based on Muggle technology. It's a bit tricky."
He snorted. "If Muggles can learn to use it, I can. How difficult could it be ?"
"Well, I do have a tutorial loaded on here somewhere," Alex said, pulling up a chair and typing several commands. "Um. Here it is." She rose from the chair and offered it to Snape. "There, knock yourself out." She grinned as he sat down and peered at the keyboard. The greenish glow from the screen accented his hooked nose, making it appear more beak-like than ever. "Just press enter."
Snape did so and the program opened, revealing the figure of a wizard lounging in one corner of the screen. He appeared to be about Snape's age, in his late thirties. The wizard had long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, a full beard, and an untidy work robe thrown on over a Muggle-style T-shirt and jeans. Blue eyes sparkled behind thick eyeglasses.
"Welcome to the wonderful world of Thaumaturgy," the little wizard began, speaking in an American accent. "I am your guide, Bob Gerber, head of the Thaumaturgy department at Roswell University of New Mexico. Type in your name now, please."
Slowly, Snape located the proper keys and typed in his name. S n a p e , S e v e r u s. Bob watched the letters appear on the screen next to him with interest.
"Ok, Snape, Severus, let's start with the parts of the computer -"
"The name is Snape. Severus Snape."
"Well, that's not what you typed in," the tutorial program said reprovingly. "The computer can only work with what you give it." Bob smirked up at Snape. "Garbage in, garbage out. That's the way it works...Snape, Severus."
Alex giggled as she returned to her desk. This is gonna be fun. For the computer, not for Snape.
An hour later, she yawned. It was nearly ten o'clock. She passed by the computer table. The printer was still running, foot after foot of parchment slowly piling on the floor. Snape was still hard at work. His long fingers tapped the keyboard in response to Bob's commands. She paused behind him to see how it was going. Wow, he's making progress. "Um, Severus ? Can you call it a night ? I want to send an email home before I turn in."
"No."
Alex frowned slightly. Intent on the computer, Snape ignored her. Sheesh. Zero social skills.
"When I tell you to, press any key to continue," said the little wizard on the screen.
Snape pressed a key at random. He pulled his hand back. "Ouch !" He glanced at Alex accusingly. "You never mentioned that it bites."
Bob smirked. "It's just a mild shock. I find it helps encourage the student to follow instructions." He smoothed his beard.
"Heh. A sadist just like you," Alex remarked to Snape. "You two ought to get along beautifully."
"Ungh," he grunted distractedly at her. "All right, when you tell me to. I get the point," he sneered at the computer.
"Ok, let's try again...but not yet..." Bob grinned, bouncing on the balls of his virtual feet. "not yet...wait for it...now !" Alex rolled her eyes. The program really was annoying.
"Ow ! Would you stop that."
On the screen, Bob spread his hands. "I said, press any key. You just hit a key at random." He wagged a finger at Snape. "There are two types of wizards in the modern world; the thaumaturgical haves, and the have-nots. You will always remain a have-not unless you learn to pay attention."
Snape leaned so close his nose was nearly touching the screen. "You said any key. That means press any key at random," he hissed. "Which is what I did."
Bob leaned back, grinning broadly. "That's what you'd think it would mean, wouldn't you, Snape, Severus." He glanced past Snape and addressed Alex. "This guy thinks like a Thaumaturgical Engineer," he said approvingly.
Alex shrugged, not sure if that was as much of a compliment as Bob seemed to think it was. Snape seemed about to explode with fury. "Any key," he reminded the computer impatiently. "What exactly does it mean then ?"
A diagram of the computer keyboard appeared on the screen. Bob stepped in front of it, indicating the upper left-hand corner. "There. The any key. Right next to the escape key, which I suggest you keep your grubby hands off of."
The potions master stabbed at the any key with a long index finger. "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of."
New data appeared on the screen. Bob grinned at Snape. The thick lenses of his glasses glinted. "Yeah, well, most people are stupid. Illogical. Wizards more so than Muggles, which is why the first thaumaturgical computer designers added the any key, to reduce confusion."
Snape groaned. "That isn't funny. Let's get on with it," he snapped.
Alex shook her head, giving up on getting the laptop back any time soon. "Goodnight. Good luck."
"Eh. G'night," Snape grunted, distracted. Bob waved at her, his bearded face split in a grin.
Poor Snape, Severus. The little witch giggled. Bet he stays up all night fighting with that tutorial.