CHAPTER NINE
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong,
I am right, I swear I'm right,
Swear I knew it all along, and
I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well,
I am seeing in me now the things you swear you saw yourself
> > >For once in his life, Doug Ross had no clue what to say.
Susan was back in Mark's apartment. What does this mean? He tried to make sense of it as life went on around him.
Susan draped her arm over the chair and addressed him: "Hi Doug."
"Susan...long time no see." Mark had squeezed past Doug and over into the kitchen.
"Too long," Susan said with a sigh, but she glanced in Mark's direction when she did. Doug knew now why Mark wanted to be in his apartment. Doug's confused euphoria regarding Carol would have to wait.
He'd gone to Carol's, with what intention he didn't know, and waited. She came home, and they bantered for a second before they kissed. It seemed so perfect, something the two of them had wanted to do since forever, no strings attached. Doug knew that this time things would be different, and so did Carol and to demonstrate that Doug had refused her offer to come in. It wouldn't be right for them to just hop in bed, would it?" Doug had thought. After wishing her a good night and fighting back the urge to go in, he steered his way over to Mark's. He needed some friendly advice.
So did Mark, judging by the situation in front of him. Just then Doug's buddy appeared in the main room.
"So, Doug just came by to talk about...y'know, stuff." Doug picked up on Mark's lead and tried to casually exit the scene. "Yeah, y'know, stuff, guy stuff." Susan rolled her eyes.
"We ordered a pizza Doug, Come on in and have a seat." Doug cleared his throat but smiled. If anybody could tell him how to handle this new thing with Carol, it would be Susan. Mark just cursed mentally, and sat down too.
> > >Doug immediately struck up conversation about Phoenix, Chloe & Little Suzie, hearing all the tales of desert exploitation while Mark became a bit of a sideline figure, speaking only when spoken to.
He used the time to his advantage, trying to coach himself on what to do once he finally got rid of Doug. Did she come back to tell me she does feel the same? Did she find somebody else and wanted me to know? Is she coming back for good? It was another iteration of something that didn't make sense, but he didn't mind so much. He wanted to know how this would end.
Doug got up to go to the bathroom, "to clear my head." And there was another knock at the door.
"The pizza, thank God." Mark dug in his pockets while Susan made for the kitchen and asked, "You got any beer?"
Mark was still fumbling for his wallet but grinned, "I thought you'd never ask. Bottom shelf in the fridge."
Mark pulled the door open and was relieved to see the familiar Pizzeria Uno box, but then he saw who was holding it.
> > >"Carol?"
"Hey Mark. Is this for you?" She looked flustered as well, and Mark uttered a few choice phrases in his mind because now he was gonna have to referee between Doug & her.
"Uh – yeah. Why do you have it?"
"I couldn't sleep, I needed to talk to somebody. I figured you'd be home, and I saw the pizza guy so I asked if this was yours--I paid for it, don't worry." She was beginning to wonder why Mark wasn't letting her in, or at least taking the pizza. Mark bit his lip and tried to prepare for what was going to happen next.
"That's – thanks Carol. I owe you."
Carol blushed. "We're all worried about you. Is it OK if I come in?"
Mark was still blocking the door. "Carol, I'm sure whatever Doug did was ju-" and he stopped because Carol was practically staring through him.
"Who said it was about Doug?" He must be here, Carol thought. She smiled, thinking that fate must be demanding that they be together that night. She heard footsteps from the kitchen and craned her neck to see over Mark's shoulder. But that's not Doug.
"Oh my God!!" She shoved the pizza in Mark's hands and blew straight past him. "Susan!"
> > >Susan couldn't believe how surreal this was becoming. First Doug had crashed the place, and now here came his better half. Despite that, she was happy to see her friend.
"Carol, what are you doing here?" Susan was hoping maybe she worked part-time as pizza delivery and would scoot along.
"Me? What are you doing here?" Carol rushed forward and they hugged.
"Well, I came back to tie up some loose ends." Carol couldn't see it, but Susan's eyes had met Mark's and they both seemed to know what the other was thinking: Why now?
Carol started to speak: "Does this mean you'll be moving bac.." and she was silenced by another face. Doug had appeared in the hallway.
Carol stepped around Susan to look at him straight-on. Doug managed a faint smile: "Hey.
"Hey yourself," Carol teased.
This was becoming too much for Mark, so he grabbed one of the bottles Susan had brought to the table and flipped open the box. "Bring on the beer & pizza!" He tried to cajole some enthusiasm for anything not involving incredibly complex relationship issues.
> > >Susan sat there, sipping a beer and thinking. Is it 1997 or 1993? The four of them worked past the awkwardness and it was as if they had gone back to simpler times. She was trying to ready herself for what was inevitable, for when she and Mark were alone again and she'd have to confront far more difficult times.
"So Susan", Carol said through a mouthful of deep dish, "does this mean you're coming back?"
Susan hadn't expected to deal with these questions, at least not from her. "I hadn't thought that far ahead, to be honest."
Doug & Mark exchanged a look and Doug quickly tossed his coat on. "C'mon Carol." He tried to pull her by the hand out the door.
"But Susan just got here, we've got catching up to do." Carol was arguing but still following Doug. "Where are we going?" Carol asked as Doug opened the door for his grand exit.
"Uh...we're going for an elevator ride." He turned and winked at Susan, who blushed, and the two of them exited, leaving Mark and Susan and a million unspoken feelings behind.
Mark turned to look Susan in the eye. "Some first night back, huh?" Susan said nothing.
> > >Out on the street, Carol wondered what Doug's intentions were. She had frankly been surprised when he said that they should spend that night apart, but took it as a sign of how serious he was this time. She had been wrong – he'd changed.
"Where are we going Doug?"
"We're giving Mark & Susan some space." Doug started walking. "How was your date?" he asked playfully.
"Oh, it was heaven on earth," she said in a falsetto voice. "He rode in on a white horse and swept me off my feet." Doug smirked. "He sounds like a real prince."
Carol paused and looked back up to the apartment. "What do you think this means?
Doug looked with her. "I'm not sure...Let's go get some ice cream." This time was going to be different, Doug promised himself.
> > >Mark and Susan had cleared the table in virtual silence, both having retreated back to that point where they were afraid to open up. Susan tried to move quickly, sparing Mark as much work as possible given that cast.
Finally there was nothing left to do. Except acknowledge what had always been there.
Mark absently turned on the TV, sat on the couch and Susan sat next to him, looking at him, how tense he seemed, afraid even.
"Can we talk now?" She said it barely above a whisper. Mark looked at her and turned the TV off. "Sure."
"Do you want to know why I'm here?"
"I keep thinking I'm gonna wake up and find you're not, so I suppose you better tell me," he said, trying to force comfort into the situation. Susan grimaced.
"I remember this...this dream I had in Phoenix. You came out to see me at the hospital, and it was our last conversation all over again. I had this second chance I couldn't stop myself from crying and looking away..." Her voice trailed off as she felt a lump in her throat, while Mark was stunned at how they could both have had the same dream.
"I--I'm sorry Mark." Mark had to stop and make himself think about what to say. And for some reason, the most natural response came out:
"For what?"
Susan was stunned. He was supposed to reject her, to demand more of her. That was how she was sure this would work – she'd have to beg and plead. But he was acting like he never thought twice about it.
"For...fo—I mean, for how I left. I know I hurt you, leaving like that."
Mark looked down at the cast and spoke again, "At first, yeah. But I wasn't mad at you. Maybe at first...I was, I really was. I was so despondent, so pissed at everything. But you were truly making yourself happy, maybe for the first time. It was selfish of me to try and get in the way of that. I - mainly I'm just mad as myself."
It truly was tension that could be cut with a knife. Mark had left the door open, and all Susan had to do was walk through it.
"Do you...I...did you mean what you said?" She knew that answer in her heart, could see it in his face, but asked anyway, because nothing else was coming to her.
Mark turned his head to meet her eyes when she asked him that question. Does she have to ask that? But it was so earnest, so meaningful, the two of them knew instantly what the answer was. Mark knew what he had to do – he'd wasted enough time on wishing and waiting and panicking and wanting.
He leaned his head in and gave her a kiss. She didn't pull away, in fact she seemed to pull him in like a magnet. This was even better than what had happened at the train station, cause they both could tell a dream come true was on the other end of it, not some nightmare. Finally, Mark came up for air.
She looked into his eyes and all her questions were answered. Not questions about him, but about herself. They were together now, and there was no need to question things anymore.
"Every word," Mark said, filling in the blank about exactly how much he meant what he'd told her at Union Station. She smiled and could feel tears in her eyes.
"I love you, Mark." And the tears feel, freely, and she leaned in to kiss him again. They lay there, on the couch, finally connected, finally free to have together what they each craved independently for far too long.
Mark broke once again to see her, touch her, tell himself one last time that it was for real, that her angelic voice and body were actually with him and not in his imagination. "Do you want to stay here tonight?"
Susan wiped a few tears back and nodded. "I don't ever want to leave." He kissed her once again.
> > >She went back to Phoenix late the next night, to tie up some other loose ends, settle her affairs at the hospital, see Chloe and Little Suzie. Mark had begun angling to get her a job at County as junior attending, and when Morganstern had his heart attack Mark was sad but knew it would create an opening if Weaver took on his Chief duties. They talked on the phone every night, reminiscing about the past and barely able to hide their excitement about the future. For both, it was a dream come true.
Doug too was living his own fantasy, feeling complete with Carol back in his life, the two of them relationship equals for the first time. As an added bonus, Susan would soon be back in town permanently and everybody in the ER noticed how much happier Mark was as a result. Nobody knew, as Mark had sworn Doug to secrecy and he had obliged for once. Doug sauntered up to his pal on one late June afternoon:
"Cubbies lost. Again." Mark winced, "Don't remind me, please." Doug saw a pile of papers underneath Mark's arm, finally out of a cast.
"What you got there?" Mark replied, "Carter's residency contract." Doug smiled and the two of them laughed when he said, "He has no idea what he's getting into."
"So how's Susan?" At the simple mention of the name, Mark glowed. "Couple of days now, just a few papers to sign off and what not. I don't know when exactly she'll be back yet, though." Doug allowed a quick smile to cross his face, but deadened his expression again before Mark could see it. He could tell how anxious Mark was to have Susan back for good. Not long now, buddy.
> > >At the 4th of July picnic, the paramedics were once again teeing off on the County pitching staff. Mark was stationed at third base, trying to be like his idol Ron Santo. Already 5-0, Olbes hit a double to lead off the third, and Mark'd had enough. The pride of County was getting pummeled.
"C'mon Jerry, give it up!"
Everybody wanted Jerry off the mound, but the prevailing attitude among everybody seemed to be You tell the gorilla he can't pitch.
"I'm still trying to find my release point – c'mon Dr. Greene!"
Carol was the one stuck having to play catcher and yelled out at him, "You don't have a release point!"
From the on-deck circle Riley Brown hollered, "Bet he would if it was donut!" Everybody laughed. Jerry kicked the dirt on the mound, muttering to himself "Even Maddux went through this."
Just then Doug jogged in from centerfield. The whole infield – Mark, Malik, Carter, Carol, and Doyle– assembled on the mound as Doug called time.
Malik stated the obvious: "We're getting killed." Carter grinned, "Appropriate enough, we do work in the ER."
Carol was getting frustrated with everybody: "Shut up Carter, you've been there four days."
"Yet you make me feel so welcome," Carter replied with a touch of sass. Doug raised his hands to signal a truce.
"Everybody calm down." Doug placed a hand on Jerry's big shoulder, "Jerry, big man, you know I love you, we all got your back."
"But you suck!" Carol fumed again. Doug winced as he tried to break the news gently.
"I think we need to call in a fresh arm, OK? This doesn't mean we don't like you." Jerry glumly looked down, his feelings a little hurt.
Doug raised his arm towards the left field fence, where another pitcher was tossing warmup with Haleh. They all squinted to see who was coming in.
As Mark spun around to see the bullpen, he saw a woman with golden brown hair tied back underneath her baseball hat, which was being worn backwards. Coming in closer, the whole ER staff saw the last person they were expecting. Doug smiled as Mark stood there, stunned. She approached the mound.
"I hear you need a new arm", she said, all smiles. The rest of them were shocked, while Mark was grinning.
"We're getting killed, Susan."
She smiled and put her hands up, and Jerry tossed the ball her way. Who was he to argue?
"I pitched in high school, let's see if your new attending has anything left in the arm." The meeting on the mound broke into applause, and Carter, Doyle, and Malik each took a turn giving her a huge hug.
"Hey!" a voice called out from the plate. "Play ball!" And for the first time they saw who was behind the umpire's mask – Weaver.
"Probably explains why my strike zone's the size of a pea." Jerry muttered. Weaver spit out, "Hit the showers, Jerry."
Carter and Doyle gave Susan a high-five and the rest of them jogged back to their positions. Susan and Mark were standing on the mound, both of them lighting up the night with smiles.
Susan tried to focus as she pounded the ball in her mitt, "So who've we got?"
Mark turned to point out Brown. "You remember Riley, right? Good quick bat. He'll eat up the slider." Susan grinned and said slyly, "He's never seen my slider."
Mark looked at his mitt. "I never knew you pitched."
Susan looked him in the eyes and smiled. "I think you and I will get to know each other all over again."
Now Mark smiled brighter than before. Then on an impulse, he leaned in and gave her a kiss. The entire field erupted in cheers.
Just then, as if it had been waiting for such a precise moment, the 10:00 hour came and the fireworks from nearby Navy Pier began to shoot off into the sky, complementing the electricity and passion Mark and Susan were feeling at that moment. Everybody else could sense it, and they all felt like it was a moment of pure perfection.
Everybody, that is, except for Mark and Susan. For them it was much more than that, it was a moment of vindication, all the turmoil and joy and sadness and love they'd kept to themselves had finally become worth it. The entire world could've collapsed around them, and they wouldn't have noticed. In that moment, they didn't notice much of anything.
Except each other.
> > >And they lived happily ever after. Or did they? Should I keep going?