Breathless

By Tyrael aka LiangFeng

Beta- Read by Kooritenshi Chapter One: Everything You Need I am everything you want I am everything you need I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be I say all the right things at exactly the right time But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why… "Everything You Need", Vertical Horizon

Damn that Irvine! Quistis thought in contempt as she dumped the plate in the garbage bin along with the fork. She did it with such force that she almost spilled the trashcan over, but managed to steady it just in time.

With annoyance in her eyes, she departed the cafeteria, her steps heavy with anger. Her boots made loud thumping noises against the tiled floors of the hallways, announcing her fury to the rest of the Garden. In an attempt to calm herself down, she reminded herself of the things that needed to be attended to. This was not the time to worry over things of unimportance.

That's right, we have the SeeD exam. Lives are at risk here. You can go over your pathetic teenage angst later. She thought to herself sarcastically.

Quistis waited for the elevator to reach her floor before stepping inside and pressing the button to reach the classrooms. Watching the doors slide shut and the elevator rise to bring her to her destination, she couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't teenage angst.

Stepping out into the classroom halls, she passed the room where the cadets and students were trained in martial arts. The room was divided in half; one side was laid with carpet, the other with hardwood. The more violent arts took place on the carpet, where impacts could be absorbed when hitting the floor and minimizing the number of injuries, and the less bloody ones were on the hardwood. It was needless to say that the carpet was red.

All cadets were taught an art of their choosing, a requirement for SeeD that they take at least one unit or course, so that they could defend themselves when disarmed. A very thoughtful idea since students selected weapons to be trained in upon entering the Garden and hand to hand combat was not stressed.

Peering inside the glass walls, she could see Zell instructing a student on the most efficient take down against a larger opponent. But of course, the student was slow and, Quistis had to admit, more than a bit clumsy. She continued to watch on in amusement as the cadet tripped over Zell's foot, and knocking into him and causing the both of them to come tumbling to the floor. Zell, with his years of martial art training, was able to save himself. However, the cadet was not so lucky and was left kissing the floor. Quistis smiled to herself before deciding to move on.

Upon reaching her classroom, she lifted her hand to the keypad against the wall to type out the numbers that would unlock the door. There was a click and a soft hiss as the lock came undone and Quistis stepped in.

She immediately made her way to her desk that rested facing the rows and rows of desks and computer consoles. Resting herself in the spacious leather chair that sat before her computer, she turned the machine on and proceeded to log into the Balamb computer network. She immediately went to the student roster to see who had already qualified for the exam, searching through the list to see who had been added.

Irvine, who had recently transferred to Balamb, permanently, to be at Selphie's side, was taking the test next year, having not yet completed the necessary units. And Rinoa?

Ah yes, dear Rinoa, who had just started her training but a few months ago. She too would be taking next years' exam, as Quistis recalled from last week's conversation with Squall.

Quistis removed her glasses with a sigh and rubbed vigorously at her temples again. So much for using work to take her mind off things!

"Damn it to Hell!" She growled as she slammed her fist into her desk, the half-full mug of cold coffee she had left here the day before gave a shudder and almost tipped over, had she not reached over quickly to set it right. She gave a hopeless sigh as she buried her face in her hands to stifle a scream of frustration.

Why couldn't she make it stop? Why wouldn't the feeling stop? Why was she feeling this way?

She clenched her hands into fists in anger, her ice blue eyes growing hard and cold. Things were getting along just fine until she started feeling what she did. It confused her in so many ways and almost drove her insane with fury. She hated being under the spell of something she could not comprehend, something she could not control.

But most of all she hated the dreams. To go to sleep and dream dreams of warmth and comfort in the arms of a dark-haired brown-eyed stranger. To feel the warm hands that caressed and cradled her body lovingly and hear the words she so longed to hear spoken from a beloved, whispered softly in her ear. To be caught in the gaze of eyes that looked at her with passion, devotion, and love. Lips that kissed her gently on the mouth, nibbled at her neck and collarbone, teasing her with a tinge of playful mischievousness.

But always in the end, she would wake up to find herself once again alone. It recalled to her of the difference between fantasies and reality. It reminded her that she would always be alone. She would always wake up to no one. She would never have what her heart longed for. She would never have someone to love and love her back. It was just pathetic girly dreams of her childhood: to grow up and find the love of her life and live happily ever after. But now she watched as happy couples strolled by her, reminding her of what she wanted so badly but could never have. It taunted her and tore at her already battered heart. She was born alone and would die alone. And forever, Rinoa would haunt her thoughts.

Who else would it be? Quistis thought bitterly to herself. In her hands, she played idly with the cup of cold coffee she had neglected to return to the cafeteria.

Who else drove her to the brink of madness in pursuit of the truth of her emotions? Who else made her shut the door to her heart in order to protect herself from the inevitable heartbreak? Who else made her feel so loved and so alone at the same time?

Who else…but Rinoa Heartily…

Quistis couldn't take it. The flurry of emotions, sadness, pain, hate, longing, love…it was all too much for the young woman. In a fit of rage, she hurled the mug of stale coffee from her, watching it as it sailed across the classroom to shatter against the far wall, sending a shower of brown liquid and ceramic chips flying all across the room.

Unfortunately for her, Xu had just walked in the door.

"For the love of Hyne!" Xu shouted as a flying shard of coffee mug missed her head by mere centimeters. "What in hell is going on here?!"

"Go away!" Quistis snapped, not looking up from where she rested.

Xu paused to take in her surroundings. Quistis sat at the instructor's desk, her elbows on the table with her head cradled in her hands. It was obvious to anyone that she was in serious emotional stress and would not be bothered. "Quistis?"

"I'm fine!" Quistis replied quickly, as if it were automated.

"Okay okay. My goodness…Do you want me to get someone to clean this up?" Xu offered, eyeing the mess.

Pause. "No, no it's fine. I'll get it." Quistis said quietly. So quietly that Xu almost didn't hear and had to strain her ears.

The fellow instructor nodded. "I just brought you the uh…papers for Class B-2."

"Just leave it." The answer was just as quiet as the last.

Xu nodded, leaving the manila folder containing the papers on the nearest desk, before leaving the room. All the while thinking to herself that the incident should be reported to the headmaster or at least the commander. If she didn't, who knows what might happen. They could have instructors having nervous breakdowns left and right! This is a grim situation indeed!

Meanwhile, the storm that raged in Quistis' mind only grew stronger. The darkness that threatened to consume her swelled and ate away at the light within her. But again, like so many times before, she shook away the feelings of despair and returned to existence.

Standing up from her chair, she walked over to the far wall, where her cup had fallen. Kneeling down, she reached to pick up the broken shards, gathering them in her hands. However, the cold coffee was cold and slick, and the fragments were sharp. And with a careless slip of her fingers, a piece of mug slid and sliced into her palm.. Quistis felt the pain dig into her but could not bring herself to care. She lifted her hand to stare passionlessly at the blood running down her palm. Then with sudden swiftness, the embedded sliver was enclosed within her palm, driven further into her skin.

Quistis clenched her fist tighter and tighter, gritting her teeth against the pain that racked her body but welcomed it within her soul. She watched as the blood ran freely, coursing down her forearm in rivets, dripping off her elbow onto the floor. It was sheer ecstasy! A part of her was screaming for release, begging for her to stop her self-mutilation, but the majority of her begged for more, begged for punishment.

She dropped the rest of the fragments to the floor as she rose to her feet, making her way to the door. Fixed upon her face was a grim smile and a new determination burned inside of her.

She walked among the shadows, to avoid the gazes of passer-bys and not draw attention to her bleeding hand. She prayed to dear Hyne that no one would notice the figure of the blonde instructor skulking around in the shadows of the hallways long enough for her to reach her dorm room.

She almost made it…almost, but not quite. And who were to see her? Perhaps it was fate, maybe it was coincidence, but it was Rinoa who saw her purely by chance. Saw the young instructor's sad eyes but it was the fixed smile that disturbed her deeply, a sad sorrowful smile that brought a frown upon her lips. Surely this could not be a good sign.

"Quistis!" Rinoa called out as she jogged over to where the SeeD stood.

Quistis' head darted up and her eyes went wide as she registered who was addressing her. "Someone up there must hate me…" Quistis thought as the younger girl walked forward.

"Hey, Quisty! What's up?" Rinoa waved as she ran to her friend's side.

"Oh, you know," Quistis replied casually, as she slipped her bleeding hand discreetly behind her back. "The usual." She put on the happy face she had put on before so many times. It was the smile to hide her sorrow, the mask to blot out her troubles and darkest secrets. A mask that Rinoa saw right through.

Rinoa noticed the haunting aura of sadness that hung over Quistis like a shadow. It had been there for quite awhile, ever since the day she first set eyes on the blonde, the suffering was evident. It was unnerving that the young SeeD was going through so much and her friends didn't even pause to notice. How could anyone be so blind?

"Walk with me?" Rinoa smiled, touching Quistis gently on the arm.

However Quistis was not in the mood for any sort of cheering up. "Rinoa I don't have time for this sort of non-"

"Just for a few minutes." Rinoa tried again, pleading. Quistis opened her mouth to profess again but paused as deep brown eyes found their gaze upon her. They looked at her with such warmth, kindness, and a little bit of expectancy. How could she refuse?

With a little bit of annoyance.

Quistis sighed deeply, but before she could reply, the cut on her hand reopened and the blood ran freely to drip off her arm and splatter to the floor. Quistis automatically reached her free hand to her bloody one, to staunch the flow of her vital fluid, and also in a pathetic attempt to keep Rinoa from noticing. But alas, too late.

"My God, Quistis!" Rinoa all but yelled out in shock. Quistis winced at the volume of Rinoa's voice but Rinoa mistakenly put pain as the cause. "Are you okay? What happened?" She reached out to take Quistis' wounded hand in hers but Quistis pulled away almost as if by instinct.

"It was an accident." Quistis offered pitifully.

Rinoa visibly frowned, the discovery of Quistis mutilation was alarming and something inside her told her that the wound was not an accident at all. "Come on. Let's go to the infirmary."

"No!" Quistis said in a loud voice that surprised both her and Rinoa. Then in a softer tone, "It's not that serious."

Rinoa wrinkled her forehead in thought. "Well let's go to my place and have a look at it. And don't even THINK about protesting."

Quistis closed her jaw with an audible snap, the defiance dying on her lips.

But as Rinoa took her uninjured hand and led her away into the dormitory halls, Quistis couldn't help but smile. Maybe she'll just suffer just a little while longer.