Chapter 11: Memories - who needs 'em?

Summary: The Story so Far....

Buffy was brought back from the dead, a là Bargaining. Spike is the first one to find her. He saves the wild Buffy from a biker, and she clings to him from then on.

The four Scoobies who brought Buffy back are suffering from the negative backlash of the resurrection spell. Tara and Willow are off to England to study with the Coven, Xander is who knows where, and Anya's around. Dawn, Buffy, Spike, and Giles are living in the Summers' home. Buffy has just begun to talk, but still has no memories.

Hearing rumors of Buffy's death, the Council sprung Faith, who's on her way to Sunnydale.

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The next night, Giles informed Spike that Angel didn't know where Faith was exactly, only that she was somewhere in Sunnydale.

"Figures. Leave it up to Peaches to be useless," Spike muttered.

As he so often did, Giles ignored Spike's interruption, and continued on. "Therefore, I think it would be wise for me to patrol with you, tonight."

"What?! No bleedin' way, old man."

"Faith will probably show up, and it's extremely doubtful she'll believe you when you say you're on our side."

"I can take 'er," Spike asserted.

Giles sighed. "Not with your chip, you can't."

Spike looked unhappy at the reminder. "Bugger, I'd almost forgotten 'bout that damn chip. Fine, Rupes, have it your way. Come on, then, let's get goin'."

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As Giles had predicted, they did run across Faith that night. She and Spike sensed one another, and drew closer. Faith was up for a bit of bantering before the fight, allowing Giles a bit of time to catch up to the much faster vampire.

"Heya, Blondie, up for a lil' roll in the hay before I stake ya?"

Spike chuckled. Always was nice to feel appreciated by the ladies. "Don't suppose you'd believe me if I said I was a good little vamp, now would ya?"

Faith smirked. "Nah, you've definitely got the whole 'bad boy' thing goin' for ya. Nice coat."

"Thanks." Spike argued with himself for a moment. Really, he should keep up the small talk, stalling till Giles could get there. But he couldn't resist bragging. "Pulled it off the last Slayer I killed."

He'd expected her to attack him immediately. Instead, she grinned. "Oooh, goodie, maybe this'll be an actual challenge, for a change."

Bloody hell, this girl had balls! And loved the fight as much as he did, apparently. Just as he was about to reply, Giles came stumbling up.

Breathlessly, the Watcher waved Faith back as she was about to attack. She rolled her eyes. "Hi, Giles, nice to see you - we'll talk after I kill this vamp, k?"

"No!" Giles gasped. "He's... he's good!"

"Hey! I'm bloody well not! I'm evil, the Big Bad!" Spike protested. At Giles glare, he relented. "Fine, fine, I'm a bleedin' white hat," he muttered.

"Wait, for real? You're one of the good guys?" Faith asked. At Giles nod, she burst out laughing.

And wouldn't stop laughing for quite some time. When she finally settled down, she asked, "What's the sitch? You gotta soul?"

Spike was horrified at the thought. "Bloody hell!! A soul? Like the Poof? No thanks!"

"The Poof?"

"Angel," Giles explained.

Realizing that Spike had just insulted Angel, Faith got right up in his face. "Don't say anything bad 'bout Angel when I'm around, unless you wanna be dust."

Spike's expression darkened. "So his tortured act's gotten to you, too, huh? Too damn bad, I'll say whatever I damn well please about my grand-sire!"

Giles attempted to head matters off. "I propose Faith and I go to the Magic Box to discuss matters, while Spike finishes patrol."

After one last glare between the two, Spike stomped off into the night, as the Watcher and Slayer walked the other way.

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"So, B's back?" Faith shook her head. "Wild, man, just wild. Only on the Hellmouth."

"Yes, quite," Giles murmured, keeping his not-so-pleasant thoughts about Buffy's resurrection to himself.

"Hey, if she's back... do you really need me around?"

"Well, we're not certain if she'll be able to fight again..."

"Yeah, but you have Spike, right?"

"Yes, we do; however, we've had a bit of a decrease in the number of demons around here, lately - I suspect many found out about the failed attempt by the biker demons to take over the town, and were scared away. But I doubt that will last long."

Faith sighed. "Look, to be honest, I don't wanna be around here. Too many bad memories. I thought I could handle it, but... I'd really like to be elsewhere."

"Anywhere in particular?"

"Anywhere but here sounds good."

Giles took off his glasses. "Well... if you were badly needed here, would you be willing to come back?"

Faith nodded reluctantly.

Giles replaced his glasses, looking at her seriously. "There is another hellmouth, in Cleveland."

Faith squealed, reminding him of Buffy rather than the usually tough Faith. "Thank you, Giles!" To his surprise, she threw her arms around him in a brief hug, before quickly backing off, still smiling.

"Ahem... yes, well, you're quite welcome. However, it's not quite as simple as all that, I'm afraid. I believe the Council will want you to have a Watcher."

Faith winced. "Don't suppose you'd be willing to move?"

Giles was sympathetic, and a bit pleased at her implied compliment. "Er, no, I'm afraid not. However, I will do all I can to see that someone appropriate for you is assigned... I have a young friend, very promising young man, who might suit you as a Watcher quite well. I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks, Giles, really." Faith stood, stretching. "I guess till we get stuff settled I should chill here in Sunny-D, yeah?"

"That would be best, yes."

" 'K. Night, Giles."

"Good night, Faith. Oh, and it would be best to not discuss Angel in front of Spike. They have a lot of... issues... between them."

Faith agreed, happy with the fact that she'd get to leave, and went back to her motel for the night.

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Faith stayed around for several weeks before Giles could get everything arranged. In that time, she mostly stuck to herself, though gradually, she hung out more with Summers and co. She and Spike got to be fairly good friends - enough so, that one night Dawn asked Spike if he loved Faith, instead of Buffy. He'd laughed, and told her not to be 'a silly bint.'

Faith finally remembered where she'd seen him before - when she had stolen Buffy's body. She was tempted to tease him about that incident, but decided against it. Spike tended to be rather aggressive when it came to anything regarding Buffy.

Eventually, though, she left, and life settled into a routine. Buffy and Spike slept during the day, while Dawn was at school. Then the three of them would usually spend the afternoon together before Spike went off to his job as a bartender (with the Buffybot no longer working, they needed a source of steady income). Buffy would spend time making dinner and doing household chores while Dawn did her homework. Dawn went to bed, and within a few hours Spike would come home to pick Buffy up for training with Giles, then patrol.

She still hadn't regained any of her memories, but her muscle memory was surprisingly good, considering she'd spent several months decaying in a coffin, and she quickly relearned those fighting skills she'd lost. Buffy was talking more these days, becoming closer with those around her. From their reactions, she could tell she wasn't quite the same as she had been before, but they all seemed to love her, anyhow.

From some things she'd heard, it seemed she hadn't been very close with Spike, before; but then other times, when they'd tell her stories of what had happened, it seemed the 'old her' had trusted him completely. She really couldn't figure her old self out. Even her old diaries didn't help much. And, really, if she couldn't understand herself, who could?

Buffy decided to talk about her identity issues on patrol with Spike. So after they'd dusted their first batch of vampires - measly fledglings- she started out by saying, "Spike, how much like the old me am I?"

Surprised by the topic, it took Spike a bit to think about this. "Uh, well pet, I guess... I dunno, exactly. You're still you, only different."

She rolled her eyes, a trait Dawn insisted she'd picked up from her little sis, but which Spike assured her she'd had long before her death. "Gee, thanks Spike, that helped a whole lot."

When he didn't reply, because he didn't know what to say, she thought he was insulted by her sarcasm.

"Sorry, it's just-"

Spike cut her off. "That's somethin' that's different. Not a bad different, but different."

Confused, Buffy asked, "What is?"

"The apologizin'. Never heard that from the old Buffy. But, luv, you know the Coven's lookin' into ways to get your memories back. Pretty soon these sorta thoughts won't have any meanin'," he told her, trying to reassure her.

They walked in companionable silence for a few minutes before Buffy spoke up again. In a small voice, she asked hesitantly, "But what if I don't want my memories back?"

Spike turned to her, shocked. "W-what?"

Chin tilted up defiantly now, she repeated more strongly, "What if I don't want my memories back? Who says I have to get them back if I don't want them?"

Briefly speechless, Spike just stood there and stared at her. Who, indeed, said she had to get her memories back? She seemed so much happier now than she ever had been, before. And so many of those memories would be painful for her, too.

But then Spike remembered that some of those memories would be good things, like growing up with Joyce and Dawn - ok, admittedly the Dawn part was fake, but that didn't really make a difference.

And, finally, he came to realize that he didn't want Buffy to get her memories back for a very selfish reason - she liked and trusted him more now than she ever had before.

Knowing his real, selfish motivations would taint anything he might say to her, he suggested that she talk to Giles and Dawn about it, and would say no more when Buffy pressed him upon his opinion of the matter.

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As she'd expected, Giles cleaned his glasses after she'd asked him the same question about her memories.

"Hmmm, well, frankly, that hadn't occurred to me.... I suppose it's a viable option," Giles admitted reluctantly. Truly, he was surprised at the idea. Not get her memories back? Why wouldn't she want to remember who she is?

When Giles asked Buffy just that, she sighed, and tried to explain. "I feel like... like I've been given a second chance at life. Well, ok, obviously... but I mean, not just at being alive, but at living, you know?" From Giles frown, she gathered that he didn't, so she tried again, asking him, "Honestly, tell me - do you think the old Buffy was very happy?"

"Well, due to her -er, your - mother's death, and the situation with Glory, no, but -"

"Yeah, but before that. From what I've read in my diaries, and heard from Dawnie, the old Buffy wasn't happy... for years, probably since she slept with Angel and he went all evil-guy. And then there was that whole thing with Faith... and then she tried so hard with Riley guy, but that flopped... anyway, my point is, I think she was really unhappy, and pretty ready to die."

"Buffy - the old Buffy, as you have been referring to her - had a strong will to survive. Yes, there were problems, but-"

Again she cut him off. "There's one more thing. I don't... well, I don't know where I was when I was gone, but if I was in hell... I read about what happened to Angel after being in hell. I don't want to remember that, Giles, I just don't. I really feel I could be much happier without all of those old memories bogging me down!"

Once again, Giles cleaned his poor glasses while he thought. "Buffy... please, give me some time to think about it, all right?" She nodded grudgingly. "Meanwhile, I think you should talk to Dawn about this... idea of yours."

" 'k. G'night, Giles."

"Good night, Buffy."

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The next day, Buffy talked to Dawn over dinner. To her surprise, Dawn had a completely different reaction then either of the men.

"Wow, Buffy! I never thought of that! Can you actually do that?"

"Uh, sure, why not?"

"I dunno, it's just... huh. I guess I really do want you to remember growing up with me and mom, even though the memories are about me are faked... but I like having you happy even more. You're still my big sister, just... a happier version. And I like that."

"Really? So you'd be ok with this?"

"Totally!" Dawn squealed.

Buffy couldn't figure out why her sister was quite so enthused. Little did she know that Dawn thought Buffy would be much more likely to get together with Spike without her memories. For a long time now, Dawn had wanted the three of them to be a family. They practically were, now, but if Buffy got her memories back, that'd all end.

Oh, and she really did want her sister to be happy.

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A/N: My sincere apologies for taking soooo long with this chappy! I'm just losing enthusiasm for this story for some reason. I might try and wrap this one up fairly quickly, and start another story. I'm afraid if I start something else before I finish this, it'll never get finished, and I hate when authors don't finish stories!

Sorry, too, about the lack of Spuffy. More to come, hopefully!

Thank you all so much, once again, for your lovely reviews.