Breathless

By Tyrael aka LiangFeng

Also Kooritenshi

Chapter 4: Paperdoll

Now her soul is dead, now her bodies raw,
You can numb her pain
Watch the blood run down her face.
But don't take notice.
Watch the blood run down her arms.
Please don't take notice. --Kittie, "Paperdoll"

Is this it? Is this how it's going to be? I'm going to live my life alone with you haunting my dreams forever. Am I not allowed to love?

Quistis sat alone in her dorm, the windows and doors shut and locked. Slumped in her chair, she stared blankly at the wall opposite of her. Her blue eyes were glazed over in thought. She blinked a few times to clear them and tried her best to shake off the misery from her but found that she could not. She would not.

Why must I be the one to suffer? Why am I the one left in the darkness?

She placed a hand on the table in front of her, groping around in the drawer until she felt the cold steel blade of a simple boot knife. Pulling it to her, she held it up to eye-level, balancing the deadly blade between her fingers, her gaze watching the dim light, if any, in the room to refract from the blade.

Why can't anyone see me? Why is it so hard?

She lowered the blade lightly against her forearm, tracing zigzag lines across her pale skin. Her eyes darkened.

Bring me solace. Set me free.

Digging deep into her skin, the knife tore a neat line across her wrist. Blood seeped to the surface of her skin, dripping heavily onto the mahogany tabletop. Clenching and unclenching her fist to make the blood flow faster, she gritted her teeth against the pain but never uttered a word, never made even the slightest sound. She reveled in the ecstasy. The pain was terrible in the sensitive skin of her wrist, roaring in her ears, but inside, she moaned with pleasure.

She wanted more, she needed more! It felt so wonderful!

The knife slashed the flesh underneath the previous gash and blood flowed once more, the warm red liquid running together as one thick line. How could anything so terrible feel so good?

She did it again and again and soon the whole table was soaked with her blood, dripping onto the carpet. She continued doing it until she could do no more. Then, finally, she dropped the blade to the floor, slumping back into her chair, spent. Almost instantly, she was overcome with an unnatural sleep, whether from loss of blood or from the ordeal, she did not know. But even in her dreams, the face of a dark-haired bright-eyed girl haunted her.

Why can't you see me?

*~*

"Where is she?!" Selphie had nearly gave herself a heart attack as she screamed over and over again the question everyone had been asking themselves for the past few hours. Where in Hyne's name was Quistis Trepe?

"Selphie, calm down. This isn't doing us any good." Irvine pleaded with his girlfriend as he tried his best to get Selphie to sit back down in her chair.

"Did anyone check her dorm?" Xu asked the staff, eyeing them each with an inquisitive, if not accusing stare. They all shrugged and stared back at her.

"I called her but no one picked up." Rinoa gave a hopeless shrug; she was thoroughly worried over her friend's disappearance. She remembered the way Quistis had left her dorm, miserable and full of anger.

Xu had called together an emergency meeting surrounding the mysterious disappearance of Quistis Trepe. The entire staff was present, save the instructors who had classes to manage.

"Well, check again!" Xu cried as she rubbed her temples. Rinoa eagerly jumped up to rush out of the office, Selphie quickly tailing behind. Selphie's cries could be heard as they ran down the hallway, yelling at Rinoa to hurry her slowpoke ass up.

"You two!"

The two staff members she had just pointed to jolted awake from their obvious napping.

"Check out the training center." Xu ordered. Squall, Irvine, and Zell looked at her fearfully.

"You don't think…" Zell stated fearfully.

"Hyne help us, let's hope not." Xu answered grimly as she watched the two men run out of the room.

"How long has she been gone?" Zell asked.

"Hours. I didn't count. She missed two classes and forgot to pick up my nephew and niece from the train station." Xu replied as she dropped herself into the chair Selphie had sat in previously. "They had to walk."

"I'm sure it wasn't too bad for them. Us martial artists have a way of taking every curve life throws at us!" He stood up and began throwing various punches into the air to prove his point. People around him started to back away, lest they get caught in the midst of Zell's wild swinging and get knocked out.

Xu waved a hand, abolishing Zell's self-reassurance of his already inflated ego. She had almost wished that Seifer were here to take the guy down a notch or two, like he had way back when.

The headache grew ever painful when she remembered it was Quistis who was suppose to give the orientation to the new students. Orientation was always a pain and Quistis' disappearance did not do to staunch the flow of stress. If Quistis were not found within the next few hours, they would need to get another instructor to do the job. And Garden simply did not have the time nor money to put another instructor to that sort of training.

Stop it! She scolded herself.

Your friend is gone and could be lying in a ditch somewhere and all you can think about is the financial tolls it'll take to replace her! Hyne, what kind of friend are you? She slapped herself mentally for being such an ass.

Xu fell back into her chair, sighing audibly as she listened to Zell drone on and on, all the while thinking about what could've happened to the young instructor.

They practically grew up together in Balamb. They were roommates, and graduated in the same class before both taking on roles as instructors. Sure, the blonde was a few years younger but that did not prove to be a gap in their relationship. She'd like to think Quistis as a younger sister since the relationship she had with her own blood sister had been somewhat lacking.

She smiled, remembering her and Quistis' relationship before they became SeeDs and moved out of their dorm. They would stay up at night, discussing various things from their studies to the cutest guy in class.

They were fond memories and as she looked back on them, she hoped with all her heart that somewhere out there, Quistis would be okay.

*~*

"Do you have her keys?" Rinoa asked as they stepped into the elevator. Immediately, she slammed her palm against the elevator's keypad, as soon as Selphie stepped in alongside with her, willing the lift to hurry up.

"Nope." Selphie gave an apologetic shrug as the lift lurched itself into motion. "Cid has all the spare keys, not me."

"WHAT!?" Rinoa's eyes widened with disbelief.

Selphie winced, stuffing her fingers into her ears, as she heard Rinoa's voice increase what she was sure of ten times normal human capacity. "Geez, Rin! You never asked! Besides, if worse comes to worse, we'll just kick the door in!"

Rinoa sighed deeply. This whole incident had gotten her on the edge and drove her to do things she wouldn't normally had done. She hated herself for yelling at Selphie. Selphie, who never really got truly angry at anyone. "I'm sorry for yelling at you like that, Selphie. It's just-"

"Hey, no problem! I'm nervous about Quistis too you, know." Selphie nodded, fully comprehending the feeling of anxiety everyone had weighing on their shoulders. It was suffocating. Usually she would feel optimistic and laugh it off saying that it would turn out okay in the end. But this was Quistis. Quistis who had protected her in battle. Quistis who looked out for her when she felt most alone. Quistis who had comforted her when news came that Trabia was destroyed. Quistis…Quistis…… But in the end Selphie couldn't help but give one last desperate attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

"Still, why are you so tense? It's not like she's been gone for weeks or anything…"

"I don't know…it's just…" Rinoa shook her head, frustrated that she couldn't describe what she had felt in Quistis. A chime sounded in elevator, indicating that the lift had brought them to their destination. In unison, both girls stepped out into the hallways of Balamb Garden. "I think something's wrong with her."

"What?" Selphie's green eyes glittered with concern, staring at Rinoa with inquisitive intensity.

"She's been so depressed lately. I don't know but…I can't help but worry about her." Rinoa decided that her thoughts could be concentrated to these two sentences without embarrassing anybody.

Selphie nodded. "She's always had a tendency to become a bit…detatched."

Rinoa blinked at Selphie, not understanding this bit of news. "What?"

"I remember Irvine saying…that even as a kid she was a bit of an outcast…wasn't as connected as we were. It wasn't because we didn't let her join in on our stuff or anything. It was like…" Selphie paused to think, trying her best to recall the memories the GF's had taken from her. "Like something was stopping her."

"Stopping her?" Rinoa echoed. Selphie only nodded again.

At last they came to the dorms, and to Quistis' room. Selphie stepped forward eagerly to try the doorknob, but as Rinoa had predicted, it was locked. She turned to Rinoa to shake her head. Rinoa nudged Selphie out of her way before starting to hammer on the door loudly with her fist. They waited for a few seconds before Rinoa started to pound the door again. Silence.

"Damn." Rinoa sighed, slumping against the door.

"I'll go get the keys?" Selphie nodded in the direction of the elevator. Rinoa lifted her bowed head, nodded, and Selphie went off.

So Rinoa was left alone, standing in Quistis' doorway, fearing the worst.

Quistis…where are you? Where did you go?

She sank to the floor in misery, her thoughts troubled with pictures of the blonde instructor. She couldn't shake from her mind the remembrance of how deep Quistis had sunk into depression from the day before. She feared the worst for Quistis, feared what she could have done to herself.

What if she…no. No, she couldn't have….NO!

Rinoa shut out the voice repeating in her mind, almost monotonously, putting it out with a wall of silence so that it might never echo the terrible thoughts again. But…there was always a hanging shadow of doubt.

Driven by terror, Rinoa rose to her feet and placed her ear against the door of Quistis' dorm. She knew very well that the walls of these buildings were paper-thin and was hoping for any sign of Quistis.

Silence.

It was just silence that came from the room and from the halls. Rinoa pulled back, knowing fully well that she was alone in the dorm wing. She moved back, about to go catch up with Selphie before the brunette returned. But wait.

Something made her stop. Something held her back. She did not know what it was. And she did not care what it was.

It was that something that made Rinoa turn her head back to the door with fearful eyes. It was that something that drove the pictures of an unconscious blood-soaked Quistis into her mind.

Pictures of blood dripping to the floor, splattered all across the room, soiling the once white carpet and staining the furniture around her. Images of Quistis' eyes wide open, seeing nothing but the oblivion she was locked in. A mouth open in a scream frozen in agony that long became numb to the body.

It was what drove Rinoa to throw herself against the door, slamming her fists against the barrier with all her might, tears streaming down a contorted face, a mouth screaming a name hollow to the owner's ears.

And inside Quistis lay, her lifeless eyes staring up at the ceiling, in a stare locked forever in eternity. And all the while the blood kept dripping.