Breathless
By Tyrael aka LiangFeng
With Kooritenshi
Chapter Six: I Feel So'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over…
-- "I Feel So", Boxcar Racer
"Amnesia." Dr. Kadowaki said shaking her head as she finished signing Quistis' release papers before handing them over to Squall. She pointed over to where Squall should sign his signature which he did so with a deft hand. Obviously from the immense practice he had from his office as Commander.
"NO SHIT!" Zell screamed in outrage.
"Super-Mega-BUMMER!" Selphie stomped her foot before crossing her arms across her chest.
Dr. Kadowaki raised an eyebrow at both of them, which silenced them effectively. "You both will do well to remind yourself that this is a hospital." Zell and Selphie were suddenly wary that they both felt like scolded 5-year-olds.
"Will she get her memory back?" Irvine asked carefully, so not to upset anyone.
"Of course she will!" Rinoa said loudly, surprising everyone. She hadn't spoke since she had come running to them during their lunch break to tell them that Quistis had woken up. "SHE HAS TO!" She said with desperation in her voice.
"There is a chance where she may…" The doctor started slowly, nodded her head gravely. "However there is a chance where she may not."
An aura of confusion, disappointment and anger fell over the group of friends. How could this happen? What did Quistis ever do wrong? Why the hell was this all happening to her? Why her?
"All of you will need to take a part in helping her remember the life she lived before." Dr. Kadowaki said wisely.
"You got it!" Zell said eagerly, enthusiastic that there was a chance that Quistis could still remember.
Then Rinoa asked that question that was on everyone's mind. "What if she remembers the thing that made her try to commit suicide in the first place?"
Silence fell over them. On one hand, they could help remember Quistis remember just the good things. But then again, they couldn't just brainwash Quistis! And there was also the fact that what made Quistis try to kill herself in the first place remained a mystery.
Dr. Kadowaki paused, freezing still for just a second…as if contemplating the question before blinking her eyes back into reality and shaking her head firmly to clear her thoughts. "You help her get through it." She said simply as she tapped the stack on papers on the tabletop, arranging them neatly before placing them in a manila folder and handing it to Squall. "I believe these will need to be filed in Quistis' records." She said as she handed Squall Quistis' approved medical release forms.
Squall nodded as he took the folder, aware of the tension that was growing behind where he was sitting, among the group of friends.
"Can we see her?" Zell asked impatiently.
"We can't crowd her all at once…" Squall said as he stared off at the door that led to Quistis' room. "We can't overwhelm her with all these…things she's lost."
"Lost?! We're still here!" Zell said slamming his palm on the table. "She just needs to remember!"
"Well then we come to the issue that Quistis has forgotten everything in her life." The infirmary doctor spoke up, placing her chin on her clasped hands. "She doesn't know who she is. She doesn't know where she is. She doesn't know who all you people are. Except Rinoa." She paused for the reality of it to sink upon the young SeeD's. "Now why is that?"
Everyone exchanged glances with each other. Rinoa, however, bowed her head in shame. She hadn't thought of this, she had just figured it was some coincidence, something that just managed to stay in her mind. Was it something she did? Was she the person who made Quistis slash her wrists?
Squall, seeing Rinoa's troubled expression, took her hand in his and gave it a comforting squeeze. Rinoa's head lifted up to see Squall smiling down at her, giving her his best comforting grin.
Rinoa in turn smiled back, glad that Squall would always be there for her, no matter what kinds of hell were being thrown at them. In the years before, Squall wouldn't really give a damn what happened to Rinoa. But now, she felt like she had pierced the thick armor Squall had encased himself in and reached the gentle soul within the shell Squall had created to protect himself.
It felt good, Squall had to admit. To love someone so freely and openly, and to be loved without having something holding him back. He knew that wall he had erected was a defense mechanism he had made over time but it was good to have it broken down.
"That's what you need to figure out." Dr. Kadowaki said, interrupting both Squall and Rinoa's thoughts.
"Or?" Zell persisted, not really getting the whole picture.
The doctor sighed, shaking her head mournfully before going on to explain.
"Quistis shouldn't have lost her memory. There was no head trauma, only a tremendous loss a blood but even with that, there was still no possibility her amnesia was caused physically."
There were more confused looks exchanged. It seemed the more that they learned, the more troubling the situation looked.
"So what are you telling us?" Squall asked, voicing everyone's question.
"It is my theory," She said slowly, careful to word her thoughts correctly. "That Quistis' amnesia was cause mentally."
"So her brain imploded?" Zell demanded, bluntly, frustrated that he could not understand the situation.
All glares went to Zell.
"Zell!" Selphie shouted at him before smacking him in the knee.
"OW!"
Dr. Kadowaki ignored their childish antics as she continued. "It seems that she's suppressing the memories. Her mind clearly could not take the pressure, so it just…snapped."
"QUISTIS HAS GONE INSANE?!" Zell roared as he shot up from his chair, not believing his ears.
"No!" Rinoa retorted, fed up with Zell's persistent jumping to conclusions, which was clearly disturbing and upsetting everyone. "No she hasn't, Zell, now sit down and shut up!" She screamed, her voice shrill with emotion. For the first time in a long time, she was able to get out all her anger and confusion. She knew it wasn't right to just dump it all on Zell, he was suffering too, but right now she really didn't care.
"YOU shut up!" Zell retaliated. "Am I the only person who cares?!"
The words were like barbs in her heart. How dare he…How DARE HE! Whatever Rinoa had been holding back for the sake of politeness went out the window. She lost it. Her face contorted into a wicked snarl as she started throwing words like knives. "Fuck you, Zell! Just because you haven't learned to keep your fucking emotions on a leash doesn't mean you get the right to say that we're heartless! We care about her just as much as you do!"
"The HELL you do! What do YOU know about Quistis?! We've known her all her life and you just come walking in acting like you're her best friend! Well guess what? You're not! The only reason she puts up with you is because you're the girlfriend of the guy she's loved all her life!"
Rinoa reeled back, feeling the blow of the terrible words. Was it true? Did Quistis really only put up with her because she was Squall's girlfriend? Did Quistis only do it to not hurt the man she loved?
Of course.
"ZELL!" Squall slammed his fist on the table as he too rose to meet Zell's furious gaze with one to match it. "That's enough!"
"What?" Zell gave a hollow laugh. "You've all been ignoring it. You all knew that what Quistis said of Squall being like a brother to her was a load of shit. And you all chose to ignore it. And look where that's landed her!"
As Rinoa, Zell and Squall did nothing but scream and insult each other back and forth. Irvine took this in. True, Quistis' past with Squall was indeed troubling. But something else didn't quite feel right. Plates with Rinoa's name written in food. Quistis' eyes that would glaze over whenever they found Rinoa's. The depression Quistis had dug herself into. They were all pieces of a puzzle that just wouldn't come together with the bigger picture. Maybe it was time to stop looking at the bigger picture and start looking at Quistis.
His eyes rose from where they had been staring at in his lap and found the image of Rinoa that stood in the arms of Squall, being comforted from Zell's slashing words as the two men still went at it.
Could it be?
Selphie, in the meanwhile was as the most confused person in the world. Her eyes darted between Zell and Rinoa, not knowing whom to believe. Zell was screaming things and Rinoa was so angry and sad and looked like she was going to cry…And all she really knew was that Quistis was hurt. And she didn't know why.
"SHUT UP!!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, the whole impact and tension finally hitting home. She found everyone's gaze nervous gaze upon her and as she looked back at them, she couldn't believe what they had fallen into.
"What's wrong with you people?!" She demanded, furious with every single one of them. "Quistis is in that room, hurting and in who knows what kind of depression and needing our support and here we are!" She said as she shrugged her shoulders as if it were hopeless. "We're at each other's throats and Quistis doesn't even know who she is or what she was! And we're allowing ourselves the luxury of fighting? You all say you care," As she said, her eyes went to Zell and Rinoa. "But instead of being in THAT ROOM," She pointed to the room Quistis resided in with a jabbing finger, ignoring the river of tears that made their way down her cheeks. "You're all out here. Screaming your lungs out at each other. How much more pain do you think we need?"
No one said a thing as Selphie finished her tirade. They all looked at each other with remorse and guilt. They all knew the brunette was right. How dare they allow themselves emotion when Quistis was feeling sorrow magnified by hundreds. How dare they argue about Quistis and her past when she didn't even remember, herself. How dare they accuse who was her friend and who was not when she had none.
"Hey…" Irvine started, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had befallen them. Everyone turned their heads to him, glad to have something to distract themselves from the dark mood that was hanging over them. "Where's Dr. Kadowaki?"
Indeed the doctor was gone. She had slipped away when the teenagers had lost themselves in their anger and sadness. And now they turned to the shut door of Quistis' room, each knowing exactly where the doctor had went.
Quistis' POV
The first thing I noticed when I woke up was how cold it was. You might think that after being asleep for God knows how long, I wouldn't want to sleep anymore. But being locked in a room where there was nothing more to do than count the tiles on the ceiling and stare into emptiness, sleep just comes naturally.
I buried myself under the sheets, trying my best to keep warm. After getting myself as comfortable as possible, I tried my best to be able to get back into the black numbness that was slumber. I tried not to think of things, I tried not to think of Rinoa, I tried not to try to remember. I tried not to remember that I was lost.
The blankets slipped off my shoulders as I rose to prop my back against the headboard. My hands rose in front of me, as I found myself staring into open palms. I realized that I didn't know a single inch of my backhand. I dropped them to stare into the mirror that hung on the door, and tried not to be startled when I saw the strange girl stare back.
She sat on the bed, her ice blue eyes clouded in confusion, her lips parted in a lost expression. Her blonde hair was unkept, falling across her shoulders in a stringy mess. This girl was me.
But…even I didn't know who I was. What was my name? Who am I? What am I? Where did I come from? Did I have a family? Do I have friends?
I was startled out of my thoughts when there came thunderous screaming and yelling in the next room, on the other side of the locked door. They were roaring, one voice –a man's- and another voice that was vaguely familiar…
It was a voice use to kindness and soft-spoken words instead of raging taunts. A voice that whispered reassurances rather than angry insults. A voice that had called to her to bring her out of the darkness she had lied in.
Rinoa?
I felt a strange aching in my heart. Like I was…tearing up inside. My hand darted to my chest, as if I was doing my best to keep myself from coming undone. What was this feeling? Why do I feel so heavy and empty inside?
I was overcome with a sudden burning desire to be with Rinoa. I wanted to hold her, I wanted to touch her, I wanted to kiss every inch of her body with my lips. I longed so much for the feel of her skin. How could anything so simple drive me to feel such want?
But I couldn't reach her. The door was locked tight, I had checked before. What were they trying to prove? That they held power over me? No…
Only Rinoa has that.
It was so strange that I could forget everything. That I have nothing. Not even memories to hold onto so that I might not go mad. I have nothing…yet, I have Rinoa…
Rinoa's favorite color is blue. Her dog's name is Angelo. She likes white roses, not red. Her favorite band is The Donnas.
I knew all these things…but I didn't know my own name.
It took me a while before I noticed that the door was opening. Light streamed into the dark room, flooding my vision with brilliant colors. Instinctively, I raised a hand to my face to keep the stinging rays from my eyes.
Then the door closed again.
"Quistis?"