Breathless
By Tyrael aka LiangFeng
With Kooritenshi
Chapter Seven: Drive Away
I wish I could drive away to the sunset
Back to the first day that we first met
Only believe the things I wrote
I'll put into a note, yeah
Cross my t's and dot my i's
Better say hello, don't you dare say goodbye
I'll write sincerely yours and sign my name
P. S. I love you forever and today…
--"Drive Away", The All-American Rejects
"What am I?" Were the first words that came out of Quistis' mouth. Dr. Kadowaki could not say that she had not expected a question such as this, just maybe not so blunt. But when she took a close look at the broken girl who was once a strong woman…all she could see was a life totally obliterated by the mind's ability to survive by going to the extremes.
All she saw in the pools of ice blue were emptiness…a vast desolate desert in the human mind. It hurt her, to see the accomplished, dedicated woman she knew as Quistis Trepe gone. Replaced by a person so broken…she knew not what purpose she had in this world.
Or…was Quistis not gone at all? Rather had the shell, the mask Quistis had put on, fall away? And was this the true Quistis that had been inside?
But how could it be? It was so hard to take in.
She remembered the person she knew. The smiling girl who took the time to visit the doctor, let her share in one of those Triple Triad games she was so good at, the girl who laughed with her, the girl who had taken time off after her med classes to help clean up the infirmary. But as Dr. Kadowaki looked closer and closer into the situation…she realized the thing that she knew she should've realized all along. Quistis was lonely.
"You are like me." She heard herself saying. "Flesh and blood. Put in this world to suffer to who knows what end by who knows what. I think the question you're looking for is "WHO are you", is it not?"
The girl that was Quistis couldn't only stare back, as if not fully comprehending the question. But Dr. Kadowaki carried on, not acknowledging Quistis' quiet gaze, but was fully aware of the eyes that were rested on her.
"You're Quistis Trepe. You were born on October 4th. You're 20 years old, a resident senior SeeD, and instructor of Balamb Garden." She chose not to tell the blonde that she was a savior of the world, along with her friends, whom she also did not want to yet mention. It was better to take this one at a time. Too much information could confuse the girl.
Once again, there was silence. It seemed like Quistis was contemplating this, because there was a sudden cloudiness to her eyes. Then all of a sudden, the sharp focus came back, once more the clear emptiness stood out.
"Who was I?" The "was" stood out. As first, this puzzled the doctor. But it was even more frustrating when she slowly understood what she was being asked and then realized that she didn't have the answer.
Xu's POV
It was late evening when I got the message from Dr. Kadowaki. Or early morning. Your pick.
The phone call didn't really disturb me. It wasn't unusual for me to work the late night hours right until dawn. The upcoming SeeD exam was really killing us these few months and it just so happens that I was the only one who was willing to work an extra hour, just so our SeeD candidates could have an ounce better of a chance of staying alive. Bastards.
I sat there for a while, the phone still in my hand after I hung up on Kadowaki. So…our beloved Quistis Trepe was awake.
I slammed the phone back down into its cradle with unsurpassed anger. Don't get me wrong; Quistis is my best friend in the entire world. I was ecstatic that she was awake. But AMNESIA?
I could feel my fists clench. Life indeed was unfair…but why Quistis? Why her when she's been through so much? Why her when she's suffered more than any of us. I don't buy that crap that Squall had it worse than out of all of them. In the end, he has Rinoa. But for Quistis…she has herself.
I wonder what it's like. To walk through life knowing that you're only going to have yourself. That you're going to be by yourself. To know that you have no one.
My parents died when I was 5. And at seven, I went to a local orphanage with my sister, after being shuffled from one foster family to another. We learned to take care of ourselves. It was unbearable lonely without our parents, the emptiness we had in our hearts…having no one to look after us. We learned to look after each other and as we grew up, our bond as sisters grew stronger.
But we grew up. I went to the Garden, to make a purpose to my life. And my sister went to the temples of the Trabian Mountains to find the meaning of life. We parted ways, knowing that our destinies were different. But we would always be together, in our hearts.
But now it seems that I too, have lost something dear to me. My niece and nephew came to me just yesterday from Gau Shan Temple, to live a life of their own in Garden. So I am not completely alone now.
But Quistis? She didn't even have a family. Not even memories to hold onto.
"Auntie Xu? Why are you still up?"
I turned in my chair to see a small girl standing bleary-eyed, yawning with a wide open mouth, still in her silk pajamas, obviously still half-asleep.
"Xiao-Feng, you shouldn't be up." I said to my little niece. "You need to get back to sleep." I rose from my chair to meet her at the adjoining hallway. "You have class tomorrow."
"You too." She yawned again.
Well she's got you there, Xu!
I grinned. "Yeah well…I get sick days." I see a pout appear on her delicate face, which clashes with her still sleepy-eyes. I couldn't help but let out a chuckle, though careful not to wake the other occupant of my apartment.
"Is that any example you should be setting for me?"
"No, but I know you'll forgive me."
"So you think."
I stuck my tongue out at her, which was playfully returned.
"Back to bed, you silly girl."
"Okay, okay." She mumbled unhappily, before trudging off to her room. "Don't stay up too late, it's bad for you."
I rolled my eyes. Great, now I have a twelve-year-old badgering me like my mother. Not to say that I didn't find it amusing. It was almost relieving to see even the slightest hint of innocence in this world.
My face turned grim as I reminded myself of the task at hand. I blew a sigh from my lips, before running a hand through my hair, doing my best to make myself presentable. Looking into the mirror that was hung on the wall, beside the door, I fixed my collar, and brushed the minimal dust there was from myself. It was on old habit obtained from my years in training for SeeD, or rather one that Quistis rubbed off onto me back when we were roommates. I could remember her to be a serious neat freak. But she always meant well.
I supposed that's why I was so comfortable with Feng nagging me all the time. Because Quistis used to do the same thing before they graduated into SeeD's. Quistis was a good three years younger than me, but our friendship never seemed to notice the fact. We were equals, in every way.
Grabbing my keys that laid on the table, under the mirror, I paused to give myself one last look-over before opening the door, and disappearing into the dark halls.
Infirmary"You all might as well go home." Dr. Kadowaki said as she sat down in her desk, before flipping through some papers, penning some and stacking them in a neat pile. "It's getting late."
"No way." Selphie shook her head, replying, as she crossed her arms stubbornly. "I'm stickin'!"
A chorus of agreement went around the room, as the doctor just shook her head and sighed hopelessly.
"You guys want to fall asleep teaching your classes tomorrow, that's fine with me!" She said, throwing her arms up in exasperation.
Everyone exchanged glances, before falling back into their seats, ready to occupy themselves with anything that could take their minds off the current situation or ease the tension in the room.
Zell glanced over Irvine, who had his chair propped up against the wall, his hat brim resting over his shadowed eyes, giving the appearance of him dozing. Zell sighed, envious that Irvine could sleep so well without being disturbed. "At least one of us is resting." He grumbled while poking Irvine in the ribs.
But before he could jab the cowboy any further, a gloved hand shot out and snatched Zell's into a fierce grip, which rendered the boy's limb motionless.
The brim of Irvine hat lifted and Zell could see green eyes glitter from the shadows. "Don't touch me." Irvine muttered darkly before releasing the blonde boy.
"Ooow…" Zell winced, shaking the blood flow back into his fingers. "Geez, dude! Y' coulda said nicely or something!"
Selphie peered over. "'Better do as he says, hun. Irvy's grumpy without his naptime, doncha know?" She winked, as Zell gave a hearty laugh.
"When's Xu going to be here?" Irvine interrupted, looking up from his lap. Everyone else had been asking themselves the very same thing.
Rinoa sank down as far as she could go in her chair, willing herself to disappear. It wasn't that she didn't like Xu or anything… It was just… Why did they need Xu's help? Wasn't there something SHE could do? What was so special about Xu?
She couldn't help but feel a little bit jealous. Every since from the beginning…it was as if what Quistis and Xu had was…untouchable. They had this bond that no one else could understand. Xu had something with Quistis that Rinoa wanted so badly.
But with a heavy heart, Rinoa killed off that jealousy in an instant, berating herself incessantly. This wasn't the time to think over some trivial rivalry. This was about Quistis, and if Xu was the one who could help her get better, then so be it.
As if on cue, the automatic doors that connected the waiting room to the outside hallways slid open with a hiss and a tall young black-haired woman stepped in.
Xu's dark brown eyes flickered over the SeeDs before coming to the doctor's. "Where is she?" She demanded. No greeting, no hello, just urgency to see her beloved Quistis. It bordered on the edge of being rude, had the situation not been in so much need of attendance.
"This way." Dr. Kadowaki stood up from her table, beckoning the woman to follow. Xu nodded, before complying. She walked past the group of friends, never giving any of them a single glance. But Irvine, Zell, Selphie, Rinoa, and Squall all kept their eyes on Xu, as she and Dr. Kadowaki disappeared into Quistis' room.
They all sat, each staring at the door, wondering what was going on behind it. Before each of them slowly one by one, got up and walked out of the infirmary. All except Rinoa.
"Rinoa?" Squall asked softly, putting a hand on Rinoa's shoulder. "Are you okay, baby?" His eyes showed only concern for his girlfriend.
Rinoa's eyes were glazed over, her look distant as if she was long gone. But then a tear fell from her eye, making its way down her cheek to drip onto the floor in small spots of splattered water.
"Rinoa?" Squall asked more insistently, his voice full of worry. "You won't be abandoning her. Xu's got it from here." He said, forging his words carefully.
Rinoa couldn't feel Squall's hand squeezing her shoulder comfortingly. She couldn't hear the voice that called to her from the world she had shut herself away from.
Her eyes only saw the face of a sad broken blonde woman with blue eyes that pierced into her mind. A face that haunted her as much as hers haunted the blonde woman.
And for a small instant, Rinoa understood. To be surrounded by your friends and still be completely alone, to be screaming your lungs out and have no one notice you. To be Quistis Trepe.