Part IV- Water In The River
Hour follows hour like water in the river. And from one to the next we don't know what each hour will deliver. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"
As I stand next to Josh, still staring down the hallway, long after Doctor Bartlet has left us, we're both silent. Not a bad uncomfortable silence where everything feels awkward and forced... scary, if you will... but a good silence, a comfortable silence, where just one look can speak volumes, and it would, it I could just get Josh to look at me.
And as though wishing made it so, he turns to me and smiles and I practically melt right then and there. That smile is going to be the death of me.
I smile back. Not quite as confidently, shifting my weight from one foot to the other, suddenly nervous.
"Com'ere," he says nudging his head before he side steps into his office. I nod, even though he doesn't notice, and follow him quietly. We were... are... the only ones in the bullpen so the clicking of my heels against the linoleum really echoes and I cringe with each step. Its adding to the sudden awkwardness of the situation.
He's sitting in the visitor's chair again, furthest from the door, and he watches me as I enter the room, looking from me to the other chair, as if I didn't already know that I should sit there.
I smile and take a seat.
"Did you get a chance to look at the iteniary yet?" he asks sweetly.
I shake my head and bite my bottom lip. It's a nervous habit. I'm nervous. Why the hell am I nervous?
I think he's noticed because his smile is more reassuring than the one before.
"Donna," he begins softly and my heart skips a beat. This is unbelievable. Twenty minutes ago when I heard him tell CJ that he loved me and I didn't think that I'd ever be able to look at him again, I didn't actually believe my own thoughts. But right now, as I sit here, I am actually freaking out. Hopefully it doesn't show on my face. Oh my god what is wrong with me?
"Hey," he frowns when I don't respond and his hand is on my face in an instant, my cheek to be exact. I give it three seconds before his thumb begins to move. One, two... oh yeah. I close my eyes and revel in his touch. "You okay?" he asks when my eyes don't open back up immediately.
I blink repeatedly and then finally open my eyes and smile.
"Yeah," I sigh. "I'm..." I laugh a little. "I'm fine."
"You sure?" this is the most concerned I've seen him since a couple of summer's ago when every sound emitted from my body required an 'are you okay?' from Josh.
"Positive," I reply as I suddenly start to feel like myself again. That was weird.
"SO you haven't checked out the itinerary yet?" he asks again.
"No," I reply simply. "Haven't really had the chance."
"Oh..." he's questioning me.
"Besides," I smile as I lower my voice. My eyes drifting to the packing that, I might add, is definitely from Tiffany's. "I like surprises," I finish.
He gets up and closes the door. Not five minutes ago I would have been nervous. Now, suddenly, it's alright. In fact, suddenly, I'm excited.
"If you like surprises," Josh begins as he sits back down. "Then," he picks up the package. "You're going to love this," he hands the package to me and he's grinning like an idiot. This smile is second only to the one where his dimples leave actual marks on his face long after the smile as left him, as my favorite.
I take the box and stare at him for a moment, also grinning like a fool, before I pull on the soft white ribbon, never once breaking eye contact with Josh. It's like a scene from a movie and I suddenly feel like Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman' yanno, minus the whole hooker thing.
When the ribbon is removed I finally break my gaze from him and turn to the contents at hand. I open the box and inside find a delicate silver chain upon which sits a small silver lowercase letter D. It's a cursive letter, and its from the Elsa Peretti collection and I've wanted one of these for oh about eight years now.
My jaw drops. I'm astounded. Very early on in the first campaign we were in New York City for an afternoon of campaigning and Leo, noticing the utter burnout of his entire staff, sent us all on a break to clear our minds. Josh and I decided on a walk. His mother's birthday was coming up and he wanted a second opinion on her gift. I was more than happy to oblige as I was still pretty green and I'm willing to admit, crushing on Josh pretty hard.
He had almost decided on a ridiculously expensive silk scarf at Macy's when we walked by the jewelry counter and he stopped. Dropping the scarf, he grabbed my hand, pulled me out of the store and told me that we were getting a cab and going to Tiffany's.
Before leaving Madison to drive to New Hampshire I'd only ever been to two other states in my life. Orlando, Florida for spring break my freshman year of college with my friend Stephanie and Buffalo, New York, three years after, when Doctor Freeride needed to attend a conference and fancy dinner for which he needed a trophy date. Tall, blond, thin, and leggy, I guess I was perfect. Needless to say, neither of these places held a candle to the grandeur of the Big Apple. It was unreal.
When Josh had suggested going to Tiffany's I nearly died. Tiffany's was a fairy tale. A place I'd only thought I'd ever visit in my dreams. The cab dropped us off and I was in awe. The window displays, the gold lettering, the doorman, everywhere I looked required my jaw to drop a little further.
We entered and I was like a kid in a candy store. At first I was slightly embarrassed, but eventually the embarrassment subsided as Josh seemed to actually enjoy watching me gawk at jewelry I'd never in a million years be able to afford. That's when I spotted the necklace. The fragile silver D. It was just perfect and relatively cheap, for Tiffany's standards at least and I would have bought it if I weren't so completely dirt poor. I had just started on salary with the Bartlet For America staff and unfortunately had a boatload of unpaid bills. Without even thinking Josh offered to buy it for me but I quickly refused. Even then I knew all about the repercussions of a thing like that. Josh didn't seem to care but I dismissed the idea quickly.
In the end he settled on a stunning pair of diamond teardrop earrings that I thought would set him back at least a month's salary. I had no idea at the time that he was pretty much independently wealthy.
We left Tiffany's and I dreamed of one day owning a piece of jewelry from there.
A week later I forgot all about it. Which is why I am so amazed that Josh, of all people, has remembered.
"Josh..." I manage to squeak out as my hand glides across the cool silver. I look up at him and he's blurry. That's when I notice that there are tears in my eyes. "It's beautiful," I sniffle and smile. And then I close my eyes as more tears fall. When I open my eyes, he's smiling at me, with the dimples in full force. "I can't believe you remembered," I manage to choke out.
"Are you kidding me?" he asks and his voice is kinda high pitched and squeaky like it was when he was yelling in CJ's office. Its almost as though... no, there's no possible way that he could be choked up too. "How could I forget?" his voice has steadied. "The look in your eyes when we saw this..." he shook his head at the memory. "If it wasn't for the financial disclosure and yanno... other stuff..." he added gesturing to the room around him with his hands. Strong, beautiful, amazing hands. "I would have bought it for you that first Christmas. Yanno," he's smiling again. "The one after you came back to me," and wagging his eyebrows at me. "Instead of that stupid book."
"The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing?" I reply without any thought. "That stupid book?"
"You still remember the title?" he asks, narrowing his eyes at me.
"Still remember the title?" I ask eyes wide. Is he kidding? "Are you kidding?"
"Donna..."
"Still remember the title..." I may be ranting. "That stupid book..." yeah definitely ranting. "JOSH!" I throw the ribbon from the Tiffany's box at his head. It falls to his hands and he's laughing. "It was just about the sweetest thing anybody's ever given me!" I add ready to throw the box top at him also.
He throws his hands up, surrendering to defeat.
"You asked if ski's would have killed me!" he shouts and it's obvious he's joking. He's so damn cute.
"Misdirection JOSH!" I shout back, laughing along with him.
"Donna I..."
"Donnatella..." I start reciting the inscription. I've read it so many times that I can repeat it from memory without much thought. "I've never been good with words... that's Sam's job. And this seemed too personal to take to him... so here goes nothing. I just wanted to let you know... I do find you valuable and, although it'll probably be the last time I admit this to you, you were right. And so... I leave you with this gift and a quote that I think says it better than I ever could. Merry Christmas, Love Joshua..." I take a deep breath because there are tears in my eyes and Josh, as if on cue, finishes for me.
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give you value to survive," his voice is pretty steady as he speaks and quakes only slightly, ever so briefly at the end.
"CS Lewis," I add with a nod.
"CS Lewis," he repeats. "When I was in college I had a friend..." his smile is so genuine that I can't help but tease a little.
"Girlfriend?" I offer.
"Friend," he repeats. "She was an English major and she loved quotes," he laughs. "She was constantly walking about sputtering something profound that she'd just read. When we graduated, she wrote me this letter... it was a bunch of her favorite quotes with comments and memories and such attached to them. I still have the letter somewhere I'm sure," he adds with a distant look. "But after all these years, that one quote always stuck with me," he sighs. "Anyway, it just reminded me of you."
I smile. It's just about the sweetest thing he's ever said. I am seriously beginning to doubt that this is the real Josh Lyman.
"I read that inscription about fifty times that night," I reply sheepishly. "The book is on my nightstand next to my bed," I admit with no regret.
He nods, and it looks like he's about to say something but he doesn't. He just stares at me. After a moment it becomes unnerving.
And suddenly I'm nervous again. Too nervous to speak, so I just stare back at him. We, Josh and I, have probably never been this quiet in our lives.
"You want some help with that?" Josh breaks the silence, gesturing to the necklace.
"Oh," I say my hand, instinctively moving to my bare neck. "Yes please."
He stands and moves behind me. I look up at him, still smiling, and hand him the necklace. I'm wearing a light purple v-neck sweater that plunges kinda low but I figured on our last day, what the hell. My hair is down, as usual, and I actually shiver as Josh pulls it back and moves it to my shoulder.
I watch in awe as he brings the necklace out in front of me, and I smile as his hands, his fingertips really, lightly graze the back of my neck as he fastens the clasp. This is way more erotic for me than it should be, but I'm a woman in her prime who hasn't had sex in a long time and it feels so good to have Josh touch me, that I actually think I might have moaned softly as he brushes my hair back and moves to return to his seat in front of me.
Before he can do so, I grab his hand and he stops. I look up at him and his happiness mirrors mine. Before I even realize what I'm doing I pull him towards me, and into an impossibly deep kiss. We're in the most awkward position imaginable, but neither of us seems to care.
When the kiss breaks, I'm smiling like a fool and Josh is smirking like an idiot. I'd smack him just like CJ does if he wasn't so goddamned cute, and I wasn't so set on getting back to the kissing.
"What was that for?" he asks, staring down at me. I let out a noise, which could be a cry of frustration, that's if I was frustrated... well on a normal level... and pull him back towards me for another kiss that'll surely put him in his place.
This is not the first time that Josh and I have kissed. But it is the first time that Josh and I have kissed in the West Wing. New Years Eve 2005 would be the official home to out first kiss, followed by our first night together. But before you go thinking things that you shouldn't, let me explain.
It was a year after I'd moved out of Josh's condo and into my own place, a sublet just a couple of blocks away, (I had to give up my spot in my apartment with Laura, my roommate with the cats) and things between us had slowly been taking a turn for the better. I wasn't speaking to my sister, Victoria, at the time, and therefore, decided to spend Christmas, and its surrounding holidays, in Washington. By default I was then invited to Congresswomen Andrea Wyatt's annual New Years Eve bash.
The party was a black tie event where Maryland, and in turn Washington's finest wined and dined and spent their money to support inner city schools. Josh was an invited guest. I was his date.
As every year, the event was a smash, and for once instead of being one of many senior assistants, I actually felt like I belonged. Josh spent the entire evening at my side. He refused to talk politics with anyone who came calling with questions or comments and introduced me to people I didn't know as just Donna, not his assistant Donna, not Deputy Deputy Chief of Staff Donna, just Donna. It was nice. Really, really nice.
We even danced. And for some reason it was different from all the other times before. This time he seemed to hold on a little tighter, and he stared more, at me, instead of at the people around us. I felt like we were in our own little world.
When the clock struck twelve I received a tender kiss on the cheek and while I was disappointed, it didn't really bother me all that much because for some reason I knew that there was more to come.
By twelve fifteen I had received kisses from Toby, Leo, Matt Skinner, Chris Wick, Sam (who was in town visiting his "family" for the holiday), Lord John Maybury, Mike Casper, and even little ol' Ryan Pierce who was in attendance as the date of a Congresswoman very much older than he.
At exactly twelve seventeen (and believe me when I say EXACTLY twelve seventeen) I found myself alone with Josh, in the entrance way to the beautiful Mansion that held the gala event, watching him stare me up and down.
I have to admit that I was slight inebriated and Josh had had his daily allowance of two beers so we were both feeling pretty good. I smiled at him, as I often do and he just continued to stare, as though he was undressing me with his eyes. He'd later confess to doing just that. We couldn't have been more than five feet away from each other but the two steps it took him to get to me seem to take an eternity. For a moment we stood eye to eye, almost daring one another to make the first move. In the end, it was Josh who initiated what would be the first of many kisses that evening.
It felt good. Better than good, it felt great. Kissing Josh, touching Josh, being that close to Josh was like nothing I'd ever imagined. It's so clichéd to say this, but it was better. I assumed our first kiss would be mind blowing. An explosion of the sense – the end of life as we know it – if you must, years of pent up sexual tension transfusing between two people so eager to be a part of each other, that the actual experience of kissing would be lost in the feeling of finally being able to do what had been forbidden for so long.
It was nothing like that. Instead it was comfortable. Kissing Josh felt like something I'd done a million times before, only this time, I was actually doing it right. It was sweet, and soft, and feverish, and passionate all at the same time. Trying to explain... it's just impossible. It really was just better than anything I'd ever thought it could be, and let me tell you, that's saying a hell of a lot.
In the car, that's where Josh popped the question.
"Come home with me?" he asked when the kissing came to a lull. "Please..." he added with a dimpled grin as his hands continued their quest, beneath my coat, of exploring ever inch of my dress free back.
Someone could have offered me a million dollars right then and there and I STILL couldn't have said no.
I just nodded, staring into his deep brown eyes. Words really weren't enough to explain how much I wanted this. This time I was the one to initiate the kissing. I really liked the kissing.
An hour later we were in Josh's bed. My dress, red, sexy, and overpriced (but well worth it), long abandoned somewhere between the dining room and the bedroom, left me clad in a black lace bra and underwear set. On top of me was Josh, his hands roaming my body at a leisurely pace, the complete opposite of his tongue, which was very quickly exploring my mouth. I have to admit that I had fantasized of Josh like this, many, many times, but never in my life did I expect him to be so caring, so gentle, so attentive. I have never wanted a man more in my life. He was naked, except for a pair of silk boxers, black silk boxers, and I swear to you I moaned when the cool fabric brushed up against my hot skin. It was amazing. Perfect. He was perfect. Even if he said different. Even if he hesitated before taking his shirt off, afraid of me seeing his scar. I think thought, that I did a pretty good job of moving him past the hesitation as I kissed every square inch of sensitive pink skin. No matter what I said or did, I don't think that he realized that, regardless of his scar he was still Josh, my Josh, and that's all I wanted.
But somewhere in the back of my mind I knew we should stop. I wanted this, oh how I wanted this, I DREAMED of this... but it wasn't right. And it wasn't because I might have been drunk, or because I was scared, or because someone may have seen us leave the party together. It was because if we did this, if we crossed this line, if we let this thing happen between us, there'd be no turning back. With only two years left in office we could ruin everything we worked so hard at achieving. The political ramifications were deadly and we were already well on our way to experiencing that first hand. We were still living with the reverb from what happened after Gaza and the last thing either of us needed were more rumors.
Everyday I am more and more amazed by how in sync Josh and I are. As if he could read my mind, he stopped kissing me and when I opened my eyes, I knew exactly why.
"Donna..." he was breathless and with good reason. "We can't..." his eyes closed and when they opened up again he looked so sad. I understood that sadness.
"I know," I whispered. Reaching up, I lightly traced my index finger over his bottom lip. "I know," I repeated softly.
"I'm so sorry," he sighed, lying down beside me. I rolled over to face him.
"It's not your fault," I said grabbing one of his hands, dragging It away from his face where he was busy digging his knuckles into his eyes.
He let out a cry of frustration and then looked over at me and we both laughed.
"Donna I..." I knew what he was going to say but I didn't want to hear it. He would have confessed, I know it, and I wasn't ready for that.
"Shhh..." I breathed, covering his lips with my fingers. "Don't," I said shaking my head. With his free hand he took my hand and kissed my fingertips before nodding.
"Will you stay?" he asked turning to face me.
"Do you have something comfortable that I could borrow to sleep in?" I asked smiling sweetly.
"You mean do I have more clothes for you to steal from me and never return?" he asked with a smirk.
"That's a nasty accusation Joshua," I teased. I was amazed at how comfortable it was to banter with Josh in his bed, wearing close to nothing.
He laughed and kissed me one final time before getting off of the bed to find me some clothes.
And that was that.
The next morning we went out to breakfast, he took me home, and we never talked about it again.
Back to reality... we're still kissing. I swear to you, I could kiss Josh for the rest of my life. Screw eating and sleeping, and yanno doing other things that are worthwhile, let THIS be my job.
His hands are in my hair and nothing else seems to matter until suddenly I'm reminded of Harvard and the decision of my life. This SUCKS! Well not this. This, right now, the way Josh has managed to make this position less awkward and more comfortable by sitting on my lap, THIS, is actually nice. Life on the other hand... LIFE SUCKS!
The phone ringing in the distance reminds me of when you're dreaming and your phone rings and at first you think it's a part of the dream and then you wake up to realize it's actually your phone. At first neither of us hear the ringing, or rather, neither of us care, but finally, since this is the white house and we are semi important people, Josh gets up and moves behind the desk to answer.
"Josh Lyman," even his authority is sexy. "SAM!" we both smile as Josh sits. "How's it goin' man?"
I wink at Josh and then slink out of the room to let them speak as men do. With any luck Josh will transfer Sam to me when they're done. He better, I'll kill him if he doesn't. I miss Sam, the man who fired a member of his campaign staff for calling me dumb, my partner in crime with Karen Cahill... my confidant. He's gonna freak when I tell him the news.
Hour follows hour like water in the river. And from one to the next we don't know what each hour will deliver. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"
As I stand next to Josh, still staring down the hallway, long after Doctor Bartlet has left us, we're both silent. Not a bad uncomfortable silence where everything feels awkward and forced... scary, if you will... but a good silence, a comfortable silence, where just one look can speak volumes, and it would, it I could just get Josh to look at me.
And as though wishing made it so, he turns to me and smiles and I practically melt right then and there. That smile is going to be the death of me.
I smile back. Not quite as confidently, shifting my weight from one foot to the other, suddenly nervous.
"Com'ere," he says nudging his head before he side steps into his office. I nod, even though he doesn't notice, and follow him quietly. We were... are... the only ones in the bullpen so the clicking of my heels against the linoleum really echoes and I cringe with each step. Its adding to the sudden awkwardness of the situation.
He's sitting in the visitor's chair again, furthest from the door, and he watches me as I enter the room, looking from me to the other chair, as if I didn't already know that I should sit there.
I smile and take a seat.
"Did you get a chance to look at the iteniary yet?" he asks sweetly.
I shake my head and bite my bottom lip. It's a nervous habit. I'm nervous. Why the hell am I nervous?
I think he's noticed because his smile is more reassuring than the one before.
"Donna," he begins softly and my heart skips a beat. This is unbelievable. Twenty minutes ago when I heard him tell CJ that he loved me and I didn't think that I'd ever be able to look at him again, I didn't actually believe my own thoughts. But right now, as I sit here, I am actually freaking out. Hopefully it doesn't show on my face. Oh my god what is wrong with me?
"Hey," he frowns when I don't respond and his hand is on my face in an instant, my cheek to be exact. I give it three seconds before his thumb begins to move. One, two... oh yeah. I close my eyes and revel in his touch. "You okay?" he asks when my eyes don't open back up immediately.
I blink repeatedly and then finally open my eyes and smile.
"Yeah," I sigh. "I'm..." I laugh a little. "I'm fine."
"You sure?" this is the most concerned I've seen him since a couple of summer's ago when every sound emitted from my body required an 'are you okay?' from Josh.
"Positive," I reply as I suddenly start to feel like myself again. That was weird.
"SO you haven't checked out the itinerary yet?" he asks again.
"No," I reply simply. "Haven't really had the chance."
"Oh..." he's questioning me.
"Besides," I smile as I lower my voice. My eyes drifting to the packing that, I might add, is definitely from Tiffany's. "I like surprises," I finish.
He gets up and closes the door. Not five minutes ago I would have been nervous. Now, suddenly, it's alright. In fact, suddenly, I'm excited.
"If you like surprises," Josh begins as he sits back down. "Then," he picks up the package. "You're going to love this," he hands the package to me and he's grinning like an idiot. This smile is second only to the one where his dimples leave actual marks on his face long after the smile as left him, as my favorite.
I take the box and stare at him for a moment, also grinning like a fool, before I pull on the soft white ribbon, never once breaking eye contact with Josh. It's like a scene from a movie and I suddenly feel like Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman' yanno, minus the whole hooker thing.
When the ribbon is removed I finally break my gaze from him and turn to the contents at hand. I open the box and inside find a delicate silver chain upon which sits a small silver lowercase letter D. It's a cursive letter, and its from the Elsa Peretti collection and I've wanted one of these for oh about eight years now.
My jaw drops. I'm astounded. Very early on in the first campaign we were in New York City for an afternoon of campaigning and Leo, noticing the utter burnout of his entire staff, sent us all on a break to clear our minds. Josh and I decided on a walk. His mother's birthday was coming up and he wanted a second opinion on her gift. I was more than happy to oblige as I was still pretty green and I'm willing to admit, crushing on Josh pretty hard.
He had almost decided on a ridiculously expensive silk scarf at Macy's when we walked by the jewelry counter and he stopped. Dropping the scarf, he grabbed my hand, pulled me out of the store and told me that we were getting a cab and going to Tiffany's.
Before leaving Madison to drive to New Hampshire I'd only ever been to two other states in my life. Orlando, Florida for spring break my freshman year of college with my friend Stephanie and Buffalo, New York, three years after, when Doctor Freeride needed to attend a conference and fancy dinner for which he needed a trophy date. Tall, blond, thin, and leggy, I guess I was perfect. Needless to say, neither of these places held a candle to the grandeur of the Big Apple. It was unreal.
When Josh had suggested going to Tiffany's I nearly died. Tiffany's was a fairy tale. A place I'd only thought I'd ever visit in my dreams. The cab dropped us off and I was in awe. The window displays, the gold lettering, the doorman, everywhere I looked required my jaw to drop a little further.
We entered and I was like a kid in a candy store. At first I was slightly embarrassed, but eventually the embarrassment subsided as Josh seemed to actually enjoy watching me gawk at jewelry I'd never in a million years be able to afford. That's when I spotted the necklace. The fragile silver D. It was just perfect and relatively cheap, for Tiffany's standards at least and I would have bought it if I weren't so completely dirt poor. I had just started on salary with the Bartlet For America staff and unfortunately had a boatload of unpaid bills. Without even thinking Josh offered to buy it for me but I quickly refused. Even then I knew all about the repercussions of a thing like that. Josh didn't seem to care but I dismissed the idea quickly.
In the end he settled on a stunning pair of diamond teardrop earrings that I thought would set him back at least a month's salary. I had no idea at the time that he was pretty much independently wealthy.
We left Tiffany's and I dreamed of one day owning a piece of jewelry from there.
A week later I forgot all about it. Which is why I am so amazed that Josh, of all people, has remembered.
"Josh..." I manage to squeak out as my hand glides across the cool silver. I look up at him and he's blurry. That's when I notice that there are tears in my eyes. "It's beautiful," I sniffle and smile. And then I close my eyes as more tears fall. When I open my eyes, he's smiling at me, with the dimples in full force. "I can't believe you remembered," I manage to choke out.
"Are you kidding me?" he asks and his voice is kinda high pitched and squeaky like it was when he was yelling in CJ's office. Its almost as though... no, there's no possible way that he could be choked up too. "How could I forget?" his voice has steadied. "The look in your eyes when we saw this..." he shook his head at the memory. "If it wasn't for the financial disclosure and yanno... other stuff..." he added gesturing to the room around him with his hands. Strong, beautiful, amazing hands. "I would have bought it for you that first Christmas. Yanno," he's smiling again. "The one after you came back to me," and wagging his eyebrows at me. "Instead of that stupid book."
"The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing?" I reply without any thought. "That stupid book?"
"You still remember the title?" he asks, narrowing his eyes at me.
"Still remember the title?" I ask eyes wide. Is he kidding? "Are you kidding?"
"Donna..."
"Still remember the title..." I may be ranting. "That stupid book..." yeah definitely ranting. "JOSH!" I throw the ribbon from the Tiffany's box at his head. It falls to his hands and he's laughing. "It was just about the sweetest thing anybody's ever given me!" I add ready to throw the box top at him also.
He throws his hands up, surrendering to defeat.
"You asked if ski's would have killed me!" he shouts and it's obvious he's joking. He's so damn cute.
"Misdirection JOSH!" I shout back, laughing along with him.
"Donna I..."
"Donnatella..." I start reciting the inscription. I've read it so many times that I can repeat it from memory without much thought. "I've never been good with words... that's Sam's job. And this seemed too personal to take to him... so here goes nothing. I just wanted to let you know... I do find you valuable and, although it'll probably be the last time I admit this to you, you were right. And so... I leave you with this gift and a quote that I think says it better than I ever could. Merry Christmas, Love Joshua..." I take a deep breath because there are tears in my eyes and Josh, as if on cue, finishes for me.
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give you value to survive," his voice is pretty steady as he speaks and quakes only slightly, ever so briefly at the end.
"CS Lewis," I add with a nod.
"CS Lewis," he repeats. "When I was in college I had a friend..." his smile is so genuine that I can't help but tease a little.
"Girlfriend?" I offer.
"Friend," he repeats. "She was an English major and she loved quotes," he laughs. "She was constantly walking about sputtering something profound that she'd just read. When we graduated, she wrote me this letter... it was a bunch of her favorite quotes with comments and memories and such attached to them. I still have the letter somewhere I'm sure," he adds with a distant look. "But after all these years, that one quote always stuck with me," he sighs. "Anyway, it just reminded me of you."
I smile. It's just about the sweetest thing he's ever said. I am seriously beginning to doubt that this is the real Josh Lyman.
"I read that inscription about fifty times that night," I reply sheepishly. "The book is on my nightstand next to my bed," I admit with no regret.
He nods, and it looks like he's about to say something but he doesn't. He just stares at me. After a moment it becomes unnerving.
And suddenly I'm nervous again. Too nervous to speak, so I just stare back at him. We, Josh and I, have probably never been this quiet in our lives.
"You want some help with that?" Josh breaks the silence, gesturing to the necklace.
"Oh," I say my hand, instinctively moving to my bare neck. "Yes please."
He stands and moves behind me. I look up at him, still smiling, and hand him the necklace. I'm wearing a light purple v-neck sweater that plunges kinda low but I figured on our last day, what the hell. My hair is down, as usual, and I actually shiver as Josh pulls it back and moves it to my shoulder.
I watch in awe as he brings the necklace out in front of me, and I smile as his hands, his fingertips really, lightly graze the back of my neck as he fastens the clasp. This is way more erotic for me than it should be, but I'm a woman in her prime who hasn't had sex in a long time and it feels so good to have Josh touch me, that I actually think I might have moaned softly as he brushes my hair back and moves to return to his seat in front of me.
Before he can do so, I grab his hand and he stops. I look up at him and his happiness mirrors mine. Before I even realize what I'm doing I pull him towards me, and into an impossibly deep kiss. We're in the most awkward position imaginable, but neither of us seems to care.
When the kiss breaks, I'm smiling like a fool and Josh is smirking like an idiot. I'd smack him just like CJ does if he wasn't so goddamned cute, and I wasn't so set on getting back to the kissing.
"What was that for?" he asks, staring down at me. I let out a noise, which could be a cry of frustration, that's if I was frustrated... well on a normal level... and pull him back towards me for another kiss that'll surely put him in his place.
This is not the first time that Josh and I have kissed. But it is the first time that Josh and I have kissed in the West Wing. New Years Eve 2005 would be the official home to out first kiss, followed by our first night together. But before you go thinking things that you shouldn't, let me explain.
It was a year after I'd moved out of Josh's condo and into my own place, a sublet just a couple of blocks away, (I had to give up my spot in my apartment with Laura, my roommate with the cats) and things between us had slowly been taking a turn for the better. I wasn't speaking to my sister, Victoria, at the time, and therefore, decided to spend Christmas, and its surrounding holidays, in Washington. By default I was then invited to Congresswomen Andrea Wyatt's annual New Years Eve bash.
The party was a black tie event where Maryland, and in turn Washington's finest wined and dined and spent their money to support inner city schools. Josh was an invited guest. I was his date.
As every year, the event was a smash, and for once instead of being one of many senior assistants, I actually felt like I belonged. Josh spent the entire evening at my side. He refused to talk politics with anyone who came calling with questions or comments and introduced me to people I didn't know as just Donna, not his assistant Donna, not Deputy Deputy Chief of Staff Donna, just Donna. It was nice. Really, really nice.
We even danced. And for some reason it was different from all the other times before. This time he seemed to hold on a little tighter, and he stared more, at me, instead of at the people around us. I felt like we were in our own little world.
When the clock struck twelve I received a tender kiss on the cheek and while I was disappointed, it didn't really bother me all that much because for some reason I knew that there was more to come.
By twelve fifteen I had received kisses from Toby, Leo, Matt Skinner, Chris Wick, Sam (who was in town visiting his "family" for the holiday), Lord John Maybury, Mike Casper, and even little ol' Ryan Pierce who was in attendance as the date of a Congresswoman very much older than he.
At exactly twelve seventeen (and believe me when I say EXACTLY twelve seventeen) I found myself alone with Josh, in the entrance way to the beautiful Mansion that held the gala event, watching him stare me up and down.
I have to admit that I was slight inebriated and Josh had had his daily allowance of two beers so we were both feeling pretty good. I smiled at him, as I often do and he just continued to stare, as though he was undressing me with his eyes. He'd later confess to doing just that. We couldn't have been more than five feet away from each other but the two steps it took him to get to me seem to take an eternity. For a moment we stood eye to eye, almost daring one another to make the first move. In the end, it was Josh who initiated what would be the first of many kisses that evening.
It felt good. Better than good, it felt great. Kissing Josh, touching Josh, being that close to Josh was like nothing I'd ever imagined. It's so clichéd to say this, but it was better. I assumed our first kiss would be mind blowing. An explosion of the sense – the end of life as we know it – if you must, years of pent up sexual tension transfusing between two people so eager to be a part of each other, that the actual experience of kissing would be lost in the feeling of finally being able to do what had been forbidden for so long.
It was nothing like that. Instead it was comfortable. Kissing Josh felt like something I'd done a million times before, only this time, I was actually doing it right. It was sweet, and soft, and feverish, and passionate all at the same time. Trying to explain... it's just impossible. It really was just better than anything I'd ever thought it could be, and let me tell you, that's saying a hell of a lot.
In the car, that's where Josh popped the question.
"Come home with me?" he asked when the kissing came to a lull. "Please..." he added with a dimpled grin as his hands continued their quest, beneath my coat, of exploring ever inch of my dress free back.
Someone could have offered me a million dollars right then and there and I STILL couldn't have said no.
I just nodded, staring into his deep brown eyes. Words really weren't enough to explain how much I wanted this. This time I was the one to initiate the kissing. I really liked the kissing.
An hour later we were in Josh's bed. My dress, red, sexy, and overpriced (but well worth it), long abandoned somewhere between the dining room and the bedroom, left me clad in a black lace bra and underwear set. On top of me was Josh, his hands roaming my body at a leisurely pace, the complete opposite of his tongue, which was very quickly exploring my mouth. I have to admit that I had fantasized of Josh like this, many, many times, but never in my life did I expect him to be so caring, so gentle, so attentive. I have never wanted a man more in my life. He was naked, except for a pair of silk boxers, black silk boxers, and I swear to you I moaned when the cool fabric brushed up against my hot skin. It was amazing. Perfect. He was perfect. Even if he said different. Even if he hesitated before taking his shirt off, afraid of me seeing his scar. I think thought, that I did a pretty good job of moving him past the hesitation as I kissed every square inch of sensitive pink skin. No matter what I said or did, I don't think that he realized that, regardless of his scar he was still Josh, my Josh, and that's all I wanted.
But somewhere in the back of my mind I knew we should stop. I wanted this, oh how I wanted this, I DREAMED of this... but it wasn't right. And it wasn't because I might have been drunk, or because I was scared, or because someone may have seen us leave the party together. It was because if we did this, if we crossed this line, if we let this thing happen between us, there'd be no turning back. With only two years left in office we could ruin everything we worked so hard at achieving. The political ramifications were deadly and we were already well on our way to experiencing that first hand. We were still living with the reverb from what happened after Gaza and the last thing either of us needed were more rumors.
Everyday I am more and more amazed by how in sync Josh and I are. As if he could read my mind, he stopped kissing me and when I opened my eyes, I knew exactly why.
"Donna..." he was breathless and with good reason. "We can't..." his eyes closed and when they opened up again he looked so sad. I understood that sadness.
"I know," I whispered. Reaching up, I lightly traced my index finger over his bottom lip. "I know," I repeated softly.
"I'm so sorry," he sighed, lying down beside me. I rolled over to face him.
"It's not your fault," I said grabbing one of his hands, dragging It away from his face where he was busy digging his knuckles into his eyes.
He let out a cry of frustration and then looked over at me and we both laughed.
"Donna I..." I knew what he was going to say but I didn't want to hear it. He would have confessed, I know it, and I wasn't ready for that.
"Shhh..." I breathed, covering his lips with my fingers. "Don't," I said shaking my head. With his free hand he took my hand and kissed my fingertips before nodding.
"Will you stay?" he asked turning to face me.
"Do you have something comfortable that I could borrow to sleep in?" I asked smiling sweetly.
"You mean do I have more clothes for you to steal from me and never return?" he asked with a smirk.
"That's a nasty accusation Joshua," I teased. I was amazed at how comfortable it was to banter with Josh in his bed, wearing close to nothing.
He laughed and kissed me one final time before getting off of the bed to find me some clothes.
And that was that.
The next morning we went out to breakfast, he took me home, and we never talked about it again.
Back to reality... we're still kissing. I swear to you, I could kiss Josh for the rest of my life. Screw eating and sleeping, and yanno doing other things that are worthwhile, let THIS be my job.
His hands are in my hair and nothing else seems to matter until suddenly I'm reminded of Harvard and the decision of my life. This SUCKS! Well not this. This, right now, the way Josh has managed to make this position less awkward and more comfortable by sitting on my lap, THIS, is actually nice. Life on the other hand... LIFE SUCKS!
The phone ringing in the distance reminds me of when you're dreaming and your phone rings and at first you think it's a part of the dream and then you wake up to realize it's actually your phone. At first neither of us hear the ringing, or rather, neither of us care, but finally, since this is the white house and we are semi important people, Josh gets up and moves behind the desk to answer.
"Josh Lyman," even his authority is sexy. "SAM!" we both smile as Josh sits. "How's it goin' man?"
I wink at Josh and then slink out of the room to let them speak as men do. With any luck Josh will transfer Sam to me when they're done. He better, I'll kill him if he doesn't. I miss Sam, the man who fired a member of his campaign staff for calling me dumb, my partner in crime with Karen Cahill... my confidant. He's gonna freak when I tell him the news.